Hey, your blog is really helpful, but I think I need some advice. I'm pretty sure I am an INTJ. I have taken multiple tests and also gotten into the functions, although I don't really like this 'unemotional-robot'-shit. It just depends on how far an INTJ has come development wise. But: my 'obsession' with self-optimization is toxic. Paired with Ni my head becomes a mess everytime I talk to someone I can't be completely myself with. (1/3) (sorry i messaged this first by accident)
I’m always trying not to repeat bad situations and to better myself. I have so many bad experiences where either someone told me that I’m weird or something or I just really regret saying or showing something of myself that people might not have liked. I over-analyze everything the other person says. In my childhood I was kinda mean and insensitive and I’m afraid of making these mistakes again. (2/3)
But these insecurities only apply to my looks (eating disorders etc) and to my social life. Meanwhile I’m very, very confident (sometimes arrogant, but I think most INTJs have a bit of a superiority complex) about my intelligence and abilities. I know I can do almost anything, but my other insecurities just weigh me down so much. Any advice? (3/3)
Self-improvement, Morals, and Insecurities
Hey there! I think your self-description mentions many things that INTJs would feel relatable - and nobody like the robot stuff. Hm not true, maybe some do. But it comes more from the “catchy” side of MBTI than the “actually useful for self-growth” side.
I’m thinking of what kind of advise I could give you. I think self-optimization by itself is not a bad thing, and it’s a really common trait in INTJs, so you’re not alone. The thing is, it’s also important to learn when to stop. And you heard right, that also is something that you learn with time, by attuning yourself to how you feel. I can make up a dumb example for this, let’s say you were reading about how to paint succulents, when you start feeling thirsty. And since you were focused on reading, you probably feel thirsty when you’re really thirsty. But the water is far, and you’re in focus mode, so you don’t get up and keep working. Minutes pass and you start feeling an headache. “Why is that”, you think, not really understanding. You stop working because you don’t feel so good. And then you remember the last time you had water was something like 10 hours before.
This is an example of why sometimes doing something that might seem not productive or out of the plan is actually better in the long run. And I wish the water example wasn’t real-life based but it is. I guess the bottom line would be, in the process of you becoming the better version of yourself, don’t forget to take care of your needs. They can be physical, emotional, or even just “taking a break from your own mind” needs. And they matter.
When you say you don’t want to repeat your mistakes by being mean to other people again, I think you’re making an important point that often gets ignored when talking about INTJs: the effort that some INTJs make to be good people. Not all INTJs feel like this (or pretend not to feel like this), but I’m glad that we’re on the same side on this.
In general, I have found that insecurities can be tackled two ways. Let’s say that insecurities are things that you wish to change about yourself. There would be things you can change, and things that are out of your power. For the things you can change, I think it’s good to take baby steps to become every day a little less insecure and fostering change. Nothing dramatic, just a little bit at a time - INTJs are the best in the long game anyway. One of my life mottos is “you must do the things you think you cannot do”, meaning that you should always strive to challenge yourself with the things that seem a little out of your reach but that you really wish to do. You’d be surprised by the things you can manage to achieve. For the things you can’t change because they depend on what other people do or think about you, or on things that just happen and are out of your control, acknowledging and letting go is crucial. Don’t ever let things you can’t act on weight you down. They can make you suffer, but that’s about as far as their powers should go. The emotions you feel are precious and should be listened to and felt, but after that it’s time to let them go.
I hope this helps. All the best, xx
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