#youranonymouschick

[yours-anonymously]

You push people away because someone you wanted to stay for didn't keep you.

#TruthSpeaks

[yours-anonymously]

Sometimes I Get So Scared

At first, sometimes I got so scared when you didn’t talk to me, didn’t reply to my messages, didn’t see them either. It felt like you don’t remember me. You don’t miss me. You don’t need me as much as I need you. Then I wanted to smack myself in the face for being so goddamn needy. “Why can’t I just be on my own for a second!” I would think to myself & cringe. You see, I like to think of myself as certain things. Not only because they sound cool but because things are supposedly going to go down easy for you this way.

Aloof. Cold. Confident. Deep.

Attention hungry definitely doesn’t qualify that list. Then why?

And then when he’d finally leave a text, even though I had been contemplating whether I should ask about this entire zoning-me-out thingy before, I’d appear indifferent because I wouldn’t want him to think I’m this uncool.

And you get used to it. I realize that he maybe passing his time out having fun with his numerous other friends & he isn’t liable to follow you around all the fucking time because you are lousy at making friends & staying friends. He shouldn’t have to carry your ass around. You start using that time. Nourish some new hobbies, catch up on school work. And soon enough you don’t even miss him anymore all the time. Sometimes you do, but not all the time. You don’t feel like you need to tell him that you stubbed your toe, or you accidentally pricked your finger on a safety pin.

Doesn’t mean you don’t like him anymore. It’s just you are learning to cope. And then he starts talking. Five minutes. Ten. Twenty. Thirty.

But you can hardly concentrate. Because times like this, you get scared of how empty will he leave you when he stops responding again. Can you cope again?

Yours Anonymously.

[yours-anonymously]

I lost a friend today. Again. Ever since the start of this year, I’ve been losing people. For honesty.

I lost this one because I chose to be honest with her. She battles depression. Her mother cheated on her father & left them for her lover, although their passion never materialized into a marriage. She shut herself out & I met her, a quiet, little thing in mid 2016. We clicked almost instantly. I thought I was helping her & started to believe that she was getting better. Until last night. Until she sent me a screenshot of an antidepressant, asking me to order them online for her. One thing led to another & tired of her blindness, I shouted on her. I called her unwilling to try, rejecting, self centered. I told her we are all trying to help her but she’s rejecting it because she likes being miserable, because she’s sadistic.

And she finally said I can’t be friends with her anymore. She thinks it must be easy for me to deal with all her shortcomings. When you see someone as broken as you are, you don't just feel that person, you come to love that person. I hoped she would see that her hurting is me hurting too. But I don't think that I turned out that way. And there is a very fine line between depression & sadism. And that line is actually ASKING FOR HELP. Needing it, wanting it. Unfortunately, I'm no mind reader.

I let honesty kill a friendship again.

Truth be told, it isn’t crushing me. Like it crushed me when my other friends left me, probably because I’ve gotten used to venturing close to the flame & getting singed by it again & again.

But if she ever reads this, yeah. Good luck, girl. Sorry if I was too hard on you. But I don’t want you back. I am sorry.

Yours Anonymously.

[yours-anonymously]

Every time I choose to add a little color to my life, my palette shows me my place.

Shower Thoughts

[yours-anonymously]

Life is a series of choices. The trick is to make the right ones.

Kickass Quote from my previous post

[yours-anonymously]

They had it right when they said love hurts. It’s like the whole universe is hellbent on sending your mind spiralling back to that one person who is not there, no matter how much you are trying to sublime & have fun."

Late night realizations.

[yours-anonymously]

Things I’ll Never Say

I woke up today, only to be screamed at till I was crying as I was dressing up for school and later on when mom kicked the door, threatening me to open up,in the bathroom. I always leave my tap open when I’m crying inside the shower to drown out the sniffs.

Mom has been giving me a lot of shit lately. That I don’t wanna feel like a part of the family (not sure if we are a family), that I roam bout more with my friends who wouldn’t blink an eye if they saw me in trouble (even though some have seen me through bullying about which mom knew and did nothing, some have seen me through substance abuse and self harm, latter mom knew about and again did nothing. So I am not entirely sure how worse things can get and the handful of friends I have left will leave me for it). Today in the morning I was given the news that the project work had been extended to making data sheets about growth of the Indian Automotive Industry and to top that off, you had to learn the values up. So I was working as fast as I could and she barges in, going off and on about how much a failure I am and will always remain. Same old. Three days of the same guilt trip can do things to you. Like cause you to get irritated. And I interrupted. And she considered that my audacity.

Here are a couple questions I have always wanted to ask her but couldn’t and will never cause it won’t be smart asking her stuff she, A. Doesn’t have the answer to and has no justification and B. When she is wrong.

1. Why are you so bipolar? 2. What do you want me to be? A good daughter, a good human being, a good android, what? 3. What am I doing wrong? Please, tell me. My grades aren’t bad, I’m catching up on the pending work, I am trying not to get in between your work then what- the- fuck- am I still doing wrong? 4. Are we really a family? The kind that needs to stay together all the time and yet you cannot accept the fact that sometimes, just sometimes I may be having a rough day too? The kind that needs to be under your fingertips and cannot be better than you at some things?

Tell me. Tell me cause all I want to do right now is punch a hole into the laptop screen and put my fist through the wall. I swear to God I am trying. I’m applying for different scholarships program so you won’t have to pay for college cause that is the only thing you ever seem to be worrying about, putting that above bonds and relationships. All my life you tell me I’m poor and then you take me to a shopping mall and call me a miser and then I accidentally spend select a costly stuff, you call me a spendthrift. You call me prodigal. You call me a gold-digger. You tell me that you had guys friends too and then judge me by saying now I’m more interested in guy friends. Listen to yourself when you are talking. You tell me it is okay to be conversing in English if I feel more comfortable in that and then call me a show off when I stand up to you. No one, I repeat, no one has made me cry as much as you have.

Why? Tell me, why?