I think one of the most difficult nights of my life was when one of my good friends showed up at my door when I was in the middle of a paper, right after dark, crying her eyes out because she just found out her best friend from home died.
I felt the entire weight of that immediately - and wanted nothing more than to take it off her shoulders and carry it for her.
I had no idea what to do. I was faced with being the person someone went to in a legitimate crisis and I dropped every aspect of my life to be there for her.
We ordered pizza. I tried to make her laugh. We watched movies on netflix. I sat next to her and held her as she cried and asked the universe why this had to happen... All the while having absolutely no answers for her.
This wasn't a tragedy that was happening directly to me. When that happens you feel kind of like a fish out of water. Even if you've been there before and know exactly what she's feeling, you can't feel the depth of pain in that moment with her because it's not your tragedy. That's one of the most difficult things to experience.
You have to be strong when someone else's world has fallen apart. They don't teach you how to do that in life, and they should. They don't teach you much of anything...
I think about that night sometimes. About how it was nice to be needed in the worst possible way. Nice to be able to make her smile or laugh through a devastating moment.
I wish she hadn't had to go back to an empty dorm room. And the subsequent weeks of loneliness she must've felt being by herself kind of tore at me. I didn't want her to be alone, but I couldn't be there for her at that time as much as I wish I could've and I feel sorry about that.
See, she has tumblr. We follow each other. She and I are the kind of friends who don't talk frequently, but when we do it's for marathons of 6-12 hours every time.
We have similar opinions on things, we have the same feelings about this period in our lives where things are strange and different and we aren't sure where to go.
She is honestly one of my soul's mates and I love her very dearly.
I'm not 100% sure why I felt like I had to write this. But I felt like I did. I don't think it's for me, I think it's for her.
I need her to know how I still think about that night all the time and how it somehow changed the dynamic of our friendship in ways we can't even comprehend.
But the honesty and vulnerability - not the tragedy - of that night is something I think every friendship should have to endure.... if it doesn't, that's not a problem and it doesn't make any friendship less real, but it's kind of a shame.
We all need to feel connected to others and in being vulnerable and breaking down in front of your friend and revealing yourself to them in that way, and then having them accept you 100% is one of the truest connections we can share.
That's something we all need more of.