#yvngiis system

[yvngii]

Okay yeah just completely disregard my entire lesson on correct care for betta fish w “also this is like my fifth betta” OUUUUU DONT FUCKIKG PLAY W ME AND FISH BRO. DONT FUCKING PISS ME OFF.

[yvngii]

So sleep deprived I’m feeling my feelings way more than I should be. Why am I on the verge of tears while watching kpop men be physically affectionate towards eachother. Why am I genuinely getting upset that that can’t be me w someone else… LOLOLLL

[yvngii]

I responded to an ex(?)(also not r or e) and things are chill. He didn’t really do anything to me where I’d hate him and I knew he was going through it at the time. If it did seem like he hurt me, he didn’t. I was fr batteling internal feelings and emotions. It wasn’t him at all. He shared that he’s livin it up and doing so good, super happy for him actually!!

I’m also the kind of person to forgive and forget(REALLY DEPENDS ON WHAT HAPPENED. I WILL NEVER FW YOU AGAIN IF YOU PULLED SOME KINDA BULLSHIT) so I’m glad we’re on good terms n stuff. OH I DID MAKE SURE TO TELL HIM I DONT WANT TO REKINDLE ANYTHING W HIM. For my peace of mind. I don’t want anything that we had EVER and I had to make it known🙏 proud of myself bc pastpast me wouldn’t have done that and it would’ve just stayed uncomfortable the whole time

[yvngiis-system]

EVERYBODY in the scene community is getting blocked for my peace of mind…

Dude something is actually wrong w me. Why am I still getting upset. GODDDD IM SO PATHETIC FOR NOT WANTING THEM TO BE HAPPY BC WE ARENT FRIENDS ANYMORE. I just don’t want to see them. Also her recent post caption basically says the EXACT same shit we were telling her b4 she stopped talking to us. Also I didn’t even look for that post, Instagram just recommends me everything ever that I don’t want to see. That actually did make me upset though. Bc we told her sososo many times and now all of a sudden she wants to act like she’s known it all along????? Girl bffr. God I’m actually upset about this. I’m about to fly to Arizona tn so maybe they have a scene up there that I can scope out for future reference…

Idk why I can’t get over it actually. What is it that really is bothering me that I can’t get over. I want to say it’s bc I want to go back to going to shows and events but I’ll feel like an imposter bc they never stopped going whereas I haven’t been in foreverrrr… but idk…

Thinking about it now… I can just swap my mindset and go. Probs some kinda mindset where I pu, hang around in the back and enjoy myself and be nonchalant yk? Ig id wait for people to approach me. THATS WEIRD THOUGH BE WVERY TIME IVE EVER BEEN TO A SHOW ITS ALWAYS ME APPROACHING SOMEONE OR STARTING SMT FIRST… oh god im actually upset… I’m not even about that social life either. Seeing how everyone kinda knows eachother and is friends w eachother, there’s gotta be at LEAST a few people that reach out first…

Gotta find the how to look nonchalant and approachable wikihow…

[yvngii]

My current interest is trying different kinds of dark chocolate. So far the bettergoods 85% dc, tony’s 70% dc, and the lindt crispy wafer dc(only tried this bc it’s 50% off, would’ve NEVER bought that at full price($5.89)) are my favs.

Tony’s is top of the list bc it’s a huge brick of dc for 5.19. Other brands that have 70% dc for 5, almost 6 dollars for a thin slab are NOT worth it… maybe the quality is better, but I can’t tell that difference and I don’t really care that much.

Also tried the bubs sour diamond strawberry vanilla and sweet ovals banana toffee. They’re both really good. I thought it’d be harder to chew but they’re pretty soft. I like the banana one better bc I’m not the biggest on sour things.

Also eating a Fuji apple and it kinda just tastes plain/bland/watered down?

[yvngiis-system]

Kinda feeling homesick for a place that I don’t belong in anymore

I want to go back to shows. I want to meet people and talk to everyone. I want to feel a sense of idk, comfort when I go out to these places I used to go to.

I feel like I’ll be looked badly at when I do come back. Problem is, I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just scored that he’s manipulated everyone into making him out to be the good guy in the situation and that I’ve overreacted.

I feel like I reacted appropriately. I really shouldn’t have told someone to make a “beware” post. It was more so just them reposting smt and saying yeah I don’t fw things like this and don’t pu if you’re like that, all while keeping it anonymous.

I always think about second chances. What are the rules for that. Would that relationship ever be able to get revived? I’ve already decided I’m not going to let that happen. It’s over, I’m just really struggling to get over certain things. Everything I do and everything I see always leads back to you. I’m real tired of it.

I’m trying to find myself again. What do I enjoy? What hobbies do I have? How do I act as a person? It’s real hard. I think of everything I’ve ever done in my whole life and try to answer these questions. Starting from when I was young, to my early teen years, and finally this kind of era.

I’ve got a good list of it all, but a huge part of things that I enjoy or things that I do, always return back to someone I’ve known. I feel like I don’t really have anything original. I’m going to start being original. Not “stealing” things from others just to fit in.

Ugh fitting in is such a long topic I could talk about. I don’t want to get into that right now though.

I think it’s crazy to me that I pride myself on being so independent, yet I’ve only ever taken parts of other people.

Anyways idrc, I’m gonna be productive tonight.

[yvngiis-system]

Okay the trip isn’t that bad…

He’s really picky… really paranoid… and I mean REALLY paranoid. Sighh I can’t really say anything on that. I know he just wants to be safe and I get that, but it’s to a point where some of the things he freaks out over are things that nobody else but him worries about… Mann if I go into more detail I’ll just be mean, and I do NOT want it to seem that way bc I’m really glad I have a friend who would be willing to go on this trip w me.

I’m just drained and peeved by it. It’s just one more thing I have to worry about on top of what I was freaking out over yesterday. Which all of that was just overthinking, I’m actually chill rn. Either cause I’m off the strattera or bc the trip is going well so far.

[yvngiis-system]

I feel like I’m being watched…

I feel so paranoid like someone or something is right behind my shoulder. My resting heart rate was 113 yesterday… I finally figured out why I was feeling odd these past idk maybe days? A week?

Anyway, had my psych appt just now. She wants me to get off of one of my meds to see if that’s why my heart rate is high.

I also just feel so tensed up anytime I’m doing something. It’s the kinda tense where you’re idk bracing yourself?? preparing for impact? Idk… I’m also feeling like something bad is gonna happen or I forgot something.

I feel like I’m also just freaking out about my roadtrip. The most I’ve driven by myself is 4 hours. I’ve never gone as far as what I’m driving tomorrow. I say by myself but I’m going with a friend. Except that friend freaks out more than me. Especially when it’s minor problems.

So I can’t rely on them for any help with this. It’s all planned by me and I’m also the one who’s driving. There’s a lot of responsibility and trust put on me. Which is fine bc I’m responsible and trustworthy for things like this(spending money on kpop needs to be worked on…). It’s just thinking about how much I’m relied on that feels really heavy and nerve wracking. I don’t really like relying on people anyways, and having people rely on me is okay as long as it’s not an excessive amount to where it becomes really dependent…

I need to get some sunlight, I feel so gloomy bc I’ve been inside everyday.

Anyway, I’m also feeling a tad shaky, weak if you may… I know why and I kinda really hate talking about it cause it’s kinda just awkward?? I feel like if I talk about it then people would want to offer help, but that’s not what I need. PROMISE. I’ve been fr monitoring my eating habits and eating things in moderation, but it’s gotten to a point where it looks like starvation… WHICH IS AWFUL?? So now I gotta start eating more, but that risks me going back to my irregular eating habits and binging.

I hate that what I’m doing right now is giving the result I want, but it’s not in a healthy way. I’m also starting to associate feeling almost full as a negative thing which I need to fix aswell. Years ago, I would already throw up if I went WAY over full. Over full to the point where my stomach would hurt for hours. Purging did help, but also when I found out how bad doing that was, I had to stop. So I stopped overeating to that point, but regularly I would still almost reach that threshold.

Man I’m glad I’ve realized this. One of my goals while on this trip is to start back up eating in a healthier way. So I’ll update that when I get back if I remember. I guarantee you SOMETHING on that trip is gonna happen and I’m gonna be back here anyways… wow