the dome @yvngiis-system - Tumblr Blog

I love my best friend and I wish I could tell her in person how much I love her and how grateful I am to have met her.

I know she doesn't use tumblr anymore and doesn't really check up on here but I wanna rant a little bit with maybe a slight hope that she'll see it.

I really don't know what I'd do without her. I've never been this close with anybody in my entire life so far.

When I first met you, I had no expectations. I genuinely thought that it was going to be like any other friendship l've ever had. Become friends and stay more like mutuals that interact here and there.

I was so wrong. Up until the day I met you, l've never been so close to someone like this. I can genuinely see us still together in the future.

When I was making friends during my elementary and middle school years, I longed for a friendship that would last years and years. Someone who I could talk to about anything. Someone that can support me. Someone who would understand me. Someone who wouldn't look at me weird if I tried to talk to them. I was a weird kid when I was growing up, still am, but l've found my people and community now.

With every friendship I made, I tried so hard to hold on to them, hoping they would last. Eventually I just give up. I thought that I really wouldn’t ever have a lasting friendship. I got so used to only having short term, surface level friends, I just kinda started to expect that out of everyone I met. So when you messaged me on Instagram after I accidentally tapped on your story, that’s exactly what I thought. Another mutual acquaintance that probably won’t even know my favorite color.

Even when we met up for the first time I genuinely thought that it wouldn’t last because it would just follow the same pattern. I meet someone, I try to be myself, they don’t like it, they distance themselves from being anything more than a plain friend or acquaintance.

You didn’t though. You stuck around. You have seen everything and I can truly be myself around you. I really wish I could be more affectionate with my words in person. I want to say all these things to you. I hate that it’s hard for me to form words in the moment. I hope you don’t hate me for saying all this in a text.

I had so many doubts. Nothing will ever be able to explain how grateful I am for you to be in my life. You’ve shown me so many things in life. If we never met, I don’t know what I would’ve been doing in my life.

I love you so much and I care so much for you. I want to see you succeed in life and I will forever be cheering for you and supporting you in any ways that I can. You worry me a lot, but I still love you just as much. I love you while you’re on meds, off meds, manic, not manic, every single version of you, I will love. I don’t want you to ever think that I won’t love you because you don’t feel like the real you. You’re always the real you to me, no matter what meds you take, no matter what clothes you wear, no matter how you act. You’re still the Kiara I’ve grown up with and grown to love. All I see is how much you’ve grown over the years.

I’m beyond proud of you for how far you’ve come. You and I both have been through so much these past years. Even getting to know more about the you before I met you, I am so proud of where we both stand today. Every achievement we have made, big or small, I keep in my heart.

I love you so much, thank you for everything.

Since you’re not on tumblr, I’m going to give you this as a letter for our 4 year anniversary. I hope that’s not too weird.. def gonna tweak and maybe add more stuff. But yk :3

#yvngiis system #I love you

the last two sections are basically mixed together

Pt 3 done phew last part AND its only 4 pages

My stomach hurts so bad too

WHY IS THE THIRD PART OF THE PRACTICE EXAM NOTHING LIKE THE BOOK??? THE FIRST TWO PARTS WERE NOT LIKE THIS??? THESE QUESTIONS DONT MAKE SENSE WHAT THE HELL

Why do these things bother me so much

GET OUT OF MY HEADDD NOTHING IS MAKING ME HAPPY AGAIN ARE YOU SRS ohhh god here he goes again im gonna die if I dont study for my epa

I really hope I can talk and that this new med combo does something for me

What the fuck is happening to me. Why has my self worth gone down so much. Its never been this bad

I HATEEEEE these meds im on rn… 3 more days..

Heavy sh warning in this

My general mood is okay, but once I start feeling down I REALLY feel down. Also the meds aren’t doing anything for my anxiety. I might go back and try sertraline again but not the last dose I was on. I can feel my in general mood declining too. Relapsing has never sounded better. Everything I need is accessible too. I can’t go back to that. I’m really proud of how well I’ve been holding back from it. I hate that it feels like some kinda treat or reward for me. Im really lying when I say I don’t like doing it, or haven’t thought about doing it. The last time I had a good cry was monthsss ago. I kinda just can’t cry anymore either, thinking it’s probably the t. Anyways, a couple weeks ago was my 1 year clean mark. A few of them STILL haven’t turned white yet. I wish I could erase them and start them over with a fresh blank canvas. I don’t want to move from that spot. Ugh I hate this I hate how I’m feeling I’m really not enjoying anything again. I have NO free time and if I do, somehow it gets hijacked. I’m gonna go home and go straight to bed.

Times like this make me really want to cut everyone off and delete all social media. Itd be easier to avoid things that can make me upset. I wouldn’t be affected by things like idk? Missing out on things? Bc I wouldn’t be able to know in the first place. I gotta get gas for my truck.

EVERYBODY in the scene community is getting blocked for my peace of mind…

Dude something is actually wrong w me. Why am I still getting upset. GODDDD IM SO PATHETIC FOR NOT WANTING THEM TO BE HAPPY BC WE ARENT FRIENDS ANYMORE. I just don’t want to see them. Also her recent post caption basically says the EXACT same shit we were telling her b4 she stopped talking to us. Also I didn’t even look for that post, Instagram just recommends me everything ever that I don’t want to see. That actually did make me upset though. Bc we told her sososo many times and now all of a sudden she wants to act like she’s known it all along????? Girl bffr. God I’m actually upset about this. I’m about to fly to Arizona tn so maybe they have a scene up there that I can scope out for future reference…

Idk why I can’t get over it actually. What is it that really is bothering me that I can’t get over. I want to say it’s bc I want to go back to going to shows and events but I’ll feel like an imposter bc they never stopped going whereas I haven’t been in foreverrrr… but idk…

Thinking about it now… I can just swap my mindset and go. Probs some kinda mindset where I pu, hang around in the back and enjoy myself and be nonchalant yk? Ig id wait for people to approach me. THATS WEIRD THOUGH BE WVERY TIME IVE EVER BEEN TO A SHOW ITS ALWAYS ME APPROACHING SOMEONE OR STARTING SMT FIRST… oh god im actually upset… I’m not even about that social life either. Seeing how everyone kinda knows eachother and is friends w eachother, there’s gotta be at LEAST a few people that reach out first…

Gotta find the how to look nonchalant and approachable wikihow…

#yvngiis system

I want to move

I can’t stand being here I want to move away I can’t be here anymore I hate seeing them and I try so hard to not see them because out of sight out of mind type shit but god it’s so hard to avoid them. My ig mutuals are friends w them and they repost their posts or make posts with them in it I can’t escape any of it. I could just unfollow those mutuals but at the same time I still want to be apart of the community I want to go out I want to go to shows I hate how upset this is making me feel I hate that I can’t stop thinking about it. Not a day goes by since we “broke up” that I haven’t thought something about them. I’m so grateful for what I have now and I’m really content with everything. I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to hear about them. I don’t know how I could escape that other than moving away and starting somewhere new. I really wanted to go back and feel at home in that community, but now all I want to do is forget everything about it. Like I was never there.

I know I’m always talking about this. That relationship was everything to me. So trying not to talk about it is really hard. During the day, when I’m out n about or anytime when I’m with friends, this doesnt affect me. The second I’m alone, it plagues me. I don’t know what to do. Multiple times I’ve thought about relapsing. I haven’t done it. I haven’t because I know that when the sun is out or I’m with the people I love and care for I’d just regret it. It’s really hard. I hate that I have that itch. I hate that it’s so addictive. There’s no alternatives to it. I don’t want to think about it anymore. I don’t want to think about them. I know I’ll never go back. I know nothing is going to happen between us ever again. Ive accepted that, but for some reason I can’t get it off my mind. What part haven’t I accepted. What am I not okay with. So many times I’ve wished I just stayed distant with him. None of this would’ve happened. But I’m also grateful that I didn’t stay distant. There are so many parts of that relationship that I still cherish and so many things I’ve learned. There was a lot of good things in that relationship. I hate that it turned out this way.

Kinda feeling homesick for a place that I don’t belong in anymore

I want to go back to shows. I want to meet people and talk to everyone. I want to feel a sense of idk, comfort when I go out to these places I used to go to.

I feel like I’ll be looked badly at when I do come back. Problem is, I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just scored that he’s manipulated everyone into making him out to be the good guy in the situation and that I’ve overreacted.

I feel like I reacted appropriately. I really shouldn’t have told someone to make a “beware” post. It was more so just them reposting smt and saying yeah I don’t fw things like this and don’t pu if you’re like that, all while keeping it anonymous.

I always think about second chances. What are the rules for that. Would that relationship ever be able to get revived? I’ve already decided I’m not going to let that happen. It’s over, I’m just really struggling to get over certain things. Everything I do and everything I see always leads back to you. I’m real tired of it.

I’m trying to find myself again. What do I enjoy? What hobbies do I have? How do I act as a person? It’s real hard. I think of everything I’ve ever done in my whole life and try to answer these questions. Starting from when I was young, to my early teen years, and finally this kind of era.

I’ve got a good list of it all, but a huge part of things that I enjoy or things that I do, always return back to someone I’ve known. I feel like I don’t really have anything original. I’m going to start being original. Not “stealing” things from others just to fit in.

Ugh fitting in is such a long topic I could talk about. I don’t want to get into that right now though.

I think it’s crazy to me that I pride myself on being so independent, yet I’ve only ever taken parts of other people.

Anyways idrc, I’m gonna be productive tonight.

#yvngiis system

Okay the trip isn’t that bad…

He’s really picky… really paranoid… and I mean REALLY paranoid. Sighh I can’t really say anything on that. I know he just wants to be safe and I get that, but it’s to a point where some of the things he freaks out over are things that nobody else but him worries about… Mann if I go into more detail I’ll just be mean, and I do NOT want it to seem that way bc I’m really glad I have a friend who would be willing to go on this trip w me.

I’m just drained and peeved by it. It’s just one more thing I have to worry about on top of what I was freaking out over yesterday. Which all of that was just overthinking, I’m actually chill rn. Either cause I’m off the strattera or bc the trip is going well so far.

#yvngiis system

I feel like I’m being watched…

I feel so paranoid like someone or something is right behind my shoulder. My resting heart rate was 113 yesterday… I finally figured out why I was feeling odd these past idk maybe days? A week?

Anyway, had my psych appt just now. She wants me to get off of one of my meds to see if that’s why my heart rate is high.

I also just feel so tensed up anytime I’m doing something. It’s the kinda tense where you’re idk bracing yourself?? preparing for impact? Idk… I’m also feeling like something bad is gonna happen or I forgot something.

I feel like I’m also just freaking out about my roadtrip. The most I’ve driven by myself is 4 hours. I’ve never gone as far as what I’m driving tomorrow. I say by myself but I’m going with a friend. Except that friend freaks out more than me. Especially when it’s minor problems.

So I can’t rely on them for any help with this. It’s all planned by me and I’m also the one who’s driving. There’s a lot of responsibility and trust put on me. Which is fine bc I’m responsible and trustworthy for things like this(spending money on kpop needs to be worked on…). It’s just thinking about how much I’m relied on that feels really heavy and nerve wracking. I don’t really like relying on people anyways, and having people rely on me is okay as long as it’s not an excessive amount to where it becomes really dependent…

I need to get some sunlight, I feel so gloomy bc I’ve been inside everyday.

Anyway, I’m also feeling a tad shaky, weak if you may… I know why and I kinda really hate talking about it cause it’s kinda just awkward?? I feel like if I talk about it then people would want to offer help, but that’s not what I need. PROMISE. I’ve been fr monitoring my eating habits and eating things in moderation, but it’s gotten to a point where it looks like starvation… WHICH IS AWFUL?? So now I gotta start eating more, but that risks me going back to my irregular eating habits and binging.

I hate that what I’m doing right now is giving the result I want, but it’s not in a healthy way. I’m also starting to associate feeling almost full as a negative thing which I need to fix aswell. Years ago, I would already throw up if I went WAY over full. Over full to the point where my stomach would hurt for hours. Purging did help, but also when I found out how bad doing that was, I had to stop. So I stopped overeating to that point, but regularly I would still almost reach that threshold.

Man I’m glad I’ve realized this. One of my goals while on this trip is to start back up eating in a healthier way. So I’ll update that when I get back if I remember. I guarantee you SOMETHING on that trip is gonna happen and I’m gonna be back here anyways… wow

#yvngiis system

I want to get back in the scene/community here, but he’s there and everyone loves him.

I feel like I’m missing out on so much. All the local shows and all the small events. Getting to connect with so many people and have fun. I can’t go back out and do that anymore.

I had cut him off for legitimate reasons, he wasn’t that good of a guy when you really think about the way he thought and did things with other people. Not getting into detail cause to that’s not the main point.

He’s still active in the scene, despite posting something extremely idk offensive? Problematic? Anyway… I didn’t make a callout/beware post bc I’m not about that life. It’s just adding extra drama to things.

This guy is a master of manipulation. He’s really good at making you agree with him or getting you to understand where he’s coming from when he did something not right. It could be something really controversial and not right and he’d somehow find a way to sway you to let it slide.

If I were to get back into the scene, I think I’d be too scared to make friends or talk to anyone because he probably already has connections with everyone there.

So it could get to a point where I try to befriend someone. Then they eventually find out from him that I cut him off. Then he’d go and flip the situation so I look dramatic and crazy, something like “ohh yeahh I did this and it wasn’t right and it was kind of a dramatic situation that they just kept escalating. Blah blah” and the way he talks… he knows how to make the other person on his side. So then that person would get on his side and distance from me.

Obviously this is all made up, but knowing him, this is a VERY likely situation.

I bring all of this up bc I saw a mutual make a post. This guy and his gf(also cut her off bc she chose problematic bf over 2 of her close bffs… she also lied a LOT. Big and small lies) were in the post. It looked so fun and something I would definitely be apart of, but I won’t be apart of anything like that because everyone here is way too connected and I don’t want any connection to him. I feel like I just need to move away and get into a scene/community without him being there.

It’s been a little over half a year since I’ve fr been in the scene. I miss it so much, but I’m just too scared to go back.

Tldr; I want to get into the scene again but manipulative and problematic guy I cut off is connected to everyone. I don’t want any connection to him.

#yvngiis system

Damn I thought today was gonna be a good day… I woke up feeling like a million bucks, had Waffle House w friends, got a good chunk of my room clean, AND I wasn’t late for work today. It was going so well…

Now it's one thing after another... I have a lot I'm thinking about rn and work is crushing me today. I'd say I’m mainly thinking about how people perceive me. If I had to say how they’d describe me it'd probably be a baby. UGHHH I HATE THIS I HATE THIS. I don't want to be seen that way. I hate being babied. I don't see myself that way. I see myself as independent and idk chill?? I don't like that I'm an overly cautious worrier.

I care so much about people and things. I def feel like I can be overbearing with that aswell and come off as paranoid. Sometimes it really feels like trying to be rational or cautious isn’t a good thing.

I really do worry about how things will affect me in the long run. I don't want to fuck up future me's plans and stuff. l've already did that before. Lots of small things and a couple huge ones that really set me back. I still think about them a lot. I'd say I'm over them but yk how regretting stuff works. I just think of them like damn okay, it’s wtv tho.

And l'd say I'm doing well in life so far. I have a plan in my head of what I want to do and somewhat of a timeframe those things will happen.

But back to how others perceive me. Especially in social settings. Having a friend talk about me to a new person and really seeing how I’m perceived is so… painful???? Awful?? Idk but it’s eye opening.

Ugh I’ve been trying so hard to look for the positives of today and think of the positives that ik can happen later on… EVERYTHING IS AGAINST ME TODAY WHAT THE HELLL… right after my last break I went back out on the salesfloor… another fucking spill. ARE WE SO DEADASS RN??? I called twice on the walkie but nobody answered, so I had a diff coworker call on the walkie for me… WHY IS MINE BROKEN????? OHHH GODDD

anyways I really really am trying to see the good side of things, it’s just hard to shake this overwhelmingly glum feeling😓😓 I’m so emotionally burnt out idk how I’m running rn…

I don’t want to work, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I just want to go home and lay in bed. I know that if I do that I’ll slip into a deeper isolation. I’m trying to avoid that. I don’t want to lose anything I have right now. This is just a thought that kinda made me feel bad. I’ll probably get over it by looking for solutions.

#yvngiis system

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