Nerd Becomes Boss, Jocks and Frat Bros Cower In Fear
Pandemonium struck Goldvine, Inc. Sunday morning when Yale alumnus Daniel Goldberg ’05 was officially promoted to CEO, sending many employees into a state of panic.
Goldberg, whose Facebook page lists his interests as “robotics,” “Magic: The Gathering,” and “pimples,” was ecstatic to be promoted, claiming that his years of nerdiness and geekhood had finally paid off.
“Yale was a rough four years for me,” he said, adjusting his pants to soothe the chronic groin pain he experiences as the result of an especially vicious wedgie from his freshman September. “I wasn’t necessarily the most popular guy. In fact, I may have been the least popular. It was worse than high school. In high school, I was just stuffed into lockers. At Yale, my friends would tie me to the top of Harkness before they started ringing the bells. I could never get into parties. Oh, and Toad’s paid me not to show up on Wednesdays. Is that how it usually works?”
Many employees—especially Goldberg’s former Yale classmates—reacted in fear to the news of Goldberg’s assumption of absolute power within the company.
“I’m fucking terrified,” said Luke Thomas ’05, former Yale starting point guard and Sigma Chi brother, from the fetal position he had assumed under his desk. “Not that Moldberg...I mean Goldberg...won’t do a great job. It’s just...err...uhh...he’ll do great. I mean he’s a great guy. I’m sorry for everything! I mean, not that I did anything… shit, let him know he’s welcome at the frat now if he wants. Not that he wasn’t before—it’s just—FUCK.”
Other employees shared similar sentiments.
“Look, honestly, it was never my idea to bully the poor twerp—I mean, CEO,” said Ryan Slepko ’04, former Yale starting quarterback and treasurer of Delta Kappa Epsilon. I mean maybe the swirlies were my idea, but those were all in good fun, right? No hard feelings?”
Goldberg, however, claimed that his college years are behind him, and that he will hold no grudges in his new position. Still, his implementation of a “Wet Willy of the Month” program drew criticism from Goldvine’s puzzled Board of Directors.
But while the company’s beta males are taking cold showers to prepare for the painful payback they anticipate, other employees have responded quite differently. Receptionist Kelly Watson ’04 explained that now that Goldberg is the highest-paid man in the company, she hoped to “get on him” and “tap that.”
“Look, I think everyone is just really overreacting. I’m just glad to be promoted, and that has nothing to do with my former college peers who work here,” explained Goldberg, collecting a fresh batch of “Kick Me” signs from his personal printer. “Do I still resent them? No, of course not. That would be juvenile. Now please excuse me. I have some firings and titty twisters to attend to."
–Z. Schloss