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Things Harder To Escape From Than Alcatraz

Spiderwebs

Skinny jeans

Froyo addiction

Heroin addiction

Binge-watching Orange is the new black on Netflix

Dinner with your significant other

Dinner with your significant other’s parents

Dinner with your parents

Alcatraz 2.0: Inescapable Alcatraz

Azkaban

North Korea

The womb

– C. Shin

#legal issue #list #C Shin

Honest Breakup Lines

“I never want to see you again, although I will stalk you obsessively on Facebook and compare your life to mine.”

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lazy and less hot. We’re over.”

“I’m black and you’re in the KKK, so…”

“I think we should start seeing other people. I’ve already gotten a head start!”

“I’m just not ready for the commitment… with you that is.”

“It’s not you; it’s my husband.”

“It’s not you, it’s U2. I’ve been out working pro bono if you know what I mean.”

“Momma always said, ‘listen to your heart,’ and with you my heart is saying luh-dub, luh-dub, luh-dub… I don’t know what that means, but it sounds kind of boring. Like you in bed.”

“Tú no hablas español”

“Every day you look more and more like Precious played by Gabourey Sidibe in the 2009 Oscar nominated film Precious Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire, directed by Lee Daniels.”

“I really didn’t even know you thought we were dating. Yeah... sorry.”

– D. Hoogstraten

#list #D Hoogstraten

Self Esteem? Shmelf Shesteem!

“Healthy children have high self esteem.” Now, doesn’t that sound nice? I mean, it’s “healthy.” Yeah, I don’t buy that any more that the fancy olive-scented cheese they sell at Walmart. I mean it sounds like fluffy clouds and pretty rainbows and all of that goddamn unicorn talk, but I’m gonna call bullshit on this one.

Well, let’s take a classic example of an opportunity you might take to boost your kid’s self-esteem: the artistic performance. Let’s say your kid wants to play piano. You say “sure,” get him lessons, watch him grow, swallow your vomit, tell him how great he sounds, and so on. And why? Yeah, yeah, you don’t need to tell me, you care about him and love him and all of that sappy shit….But just between you and me, you know, not everyone deserves a trophy. It’s not a great thing that he sucks, but the truth is always is gonna be out there. How many children with only seven and a half fingers can really play in the first place? And, what with his stage 3 leukemia, how long does he really have, anyway? I mean, he’s just weak, and he’s either going to hear it from you or from some critic at Carnegie Hall or whatever.

I know you might be saying, “Well, what about sporting events.” Let’s say your daughter wants to play baseball, and you say “OK,” sign her up for little league, go to the games, and so on, playing the good, supportive parent, cheering yourself hoarse whenever the team avoids the mercy rule...Cut the crap, because you and me both know that the only thing heating up is that little piece of bench under her ass. She isn’t gonna grow a new leg, and her asthma isn’t just gonna go away on its own. (Who wants to pay for a doctor’s visit, anyway? That inhaler is just another expensive toy she doesn’t need.) So it’s just the smart decision to let her know how inferior she is and let her move on with a low but accurate appraisal of her own self-worth. I know, I know, even blind children like her should be able to play. But come on. She’s just going to go through life feeling good about herself when we both know she really shouldn’t, because she’s sub-par anyway.

Look, I know “self-esteem” feels like it’s a good thing, but then again, so does buying magic pills from Jafar down on the corner. I mean, kids don’t really need self-esteem any more than I need the pills—any more. Just the good, old-fashioned truth, with a healthy dose of an inferiority complex, a few years of daily psychiatric consultation, trouble forming lasting relationships, and maybe even an inability to maintain an erection. Now that’s the kid I want to raise!

– M. Goldberg

#short #M Goldberg

Ad-Venture

Tad-venture: just a little bit of an adventure

Had-venture: an adventure I had this one time

Chad-venture: adventures in the African country of Chad

Add-venture: equals you plus hijinks

Salad-venture: An adventure that's good for you

Rad-venture: the gnarliest adventure ever

Doo-dad-venture: an adventure with trivial knick-knacks

Nomad-venture: an adventure that kind of goes somewhere, but not really

Scantily-clad-venture: an erotic adventure

Dyad-venture: an adventure that’s sort of like a vector but more so

Vlad-venture: adventures with my friend Vlad, PC ’16

Triad-venture: it’s actually three adventures!

—Staff

#adventure issue #list #Staff

Neil Armstrong's Early Drafts

One small step for man, one awkward space jump for astronaut-kind.

Ha ha, first one down! Suck it, Buzz!

Hey, Houston? I, uh, REALLY need to pee…

One small step for man, one giant leap f—Wait, what is that? Oh no. The legends were true! Moon men! MOOOOON MEEEEEEN!!!! Close the doors! Don’t wait for me, they’re moving t— *static*

Christ, this suit chafes like a bitch…

One small step f—dammit! Why is this ladder uneven?

Houston, do I look cool right now? I look cool, right? You are documenting this, right? Man, this is gonna be a sick cover photo.

Man, that sure was a long flight. You know what I could really go for right now? A nice, long, drag on a Camel cigarette. Camel! The favorite cigarette of astronauts everywhere! *wink*

Sorry, which camera do I look at again?

—E. Campbell-Taylor

#adventure issue #list #E Campbell-Taylor

Indiana Joneses. Why did it have to be Indiana Joneses?

–S. Gertler

#adventure issue #art #cartoon #S Gertler

Flimsy Excuses To Go on a Quest

You look good in chain mail

You live in TD

Your tiger mom forced you to

An old guy of questionable mental stability told you that you were special

You skimmed Eat, Pray, Love

You need to lose ten pounds

You wanted to win the heart of the fairest (only) maiden in the entryway

You were disappointed with political gridlock in the Imperial Empire

You were sick of people asking, “What can you do with a medieval studies degree?”

You’re eleventy-one and having a hobbit mid-life crisis

Your game of Truth or Dare went horribly awry

You missed your stop on Metro-North

The “Quest Resolution” passed congress by 1 vote

You wanted to avenge the natural death of your parents

If you find him, the dragon will give you his Netflix password

#Quest was trending on twitter

Peer pressure

—Staff

#adventure issue #list #Staff

Handsome Dan goes to Lilliput.

–S. Gelb

#adventure issue #art #cartoon #S Gelb

Other Things Columbus Discovered

What happens when you mix Diet Coke and Mentos

How to save 15% or more on boat insurance

Florida’s distinct wang shape

That Spanish and Italian are the same language

The capital of Ohio

A successful but commercially inviable smallpox vaccine

A variety of silly hats

Carmen Sandiego

The g-spot

Genocide

—J. Newsham

#adventure issue #list #J Newsham

Here in the world was Carmen Sandiego.

–S. Shea

#adventure issue #art #cartoon #S Shea

Indiana Jones and Printing At Bass

Yale’s newest Anthropology professor typed his NetID with a winning smile. Uniprint PS1? He’d heard the legends, but didn’t buy them for a second. He’d outrun boulders. Survived a nuclear explosion. Shot a man dead to avoid fighting an honorable duel. Henry Walton “Indiana” Jones was more than a match for any printing system.

Boots on, hat cocked, he sashayed up to the library gate. One flick of his ID card—he was in.

“Professor Jones!”

He whipped around. Behind the checkout counter stood the third-most-attractive female student in his lecture course. Karen something. He tipped his hat.

“Nice to see you, Karen,” he said. “You’ve made a lovely evening lovelier still.” And, with a wink: “You can call me Henry.”

Karen looked confused, but replied with a nod. Replacing his hat, Indiana strode to the nearest printer. Behind him, Karen began to compose an email. “To the University Committee on Sexual Misconduct…”

Indiana slid his ID through the scanner. No reaction. His eyes narrowed.

“So that’s how you’re going to play this,” he said, well above library volume. “All right, then! Let’s do it again! Reverse! Upside-down! Upside-down reverse!” He struck the printer with practiced force. Students glared, but Indiana cared little for public opinion. You know who cared for public opinion? The Nazis.

Suddenly, the confirmation screen appeared. The professor stepped in for the kill, then stopped dead in his tracks.

“No documents in queue?” Indiana bellowed. “Excellent gambit, my friend! But it won’t be enough.” With a few keystrokes, he redoubled his assault, then refreshed the printer. There it was—the paper that would make his name and finally secure his tenure. “A Technical Examination of the ARC OF THE FUCKING COVENANT,” he’d called it.

The touchscreen yielded to his blows as easily as the flesh of Marion Ravenwood. More easily, in fact; years of hard labor in the Egyptian sun had left Marion’s flesh tanned and leathery. Karen, by contrast, was soft and rosy, and her bosom…

Smoke was leaking from the printer. It hissed like a cavern of serpents. Indiana gave a start, then drew his whip. His first strike rang true. Plastic shattered. The smoke became fire. Students screamed and ran for the exits. Terrified, Karen spun around. “Get back!” Indiana shouted. “This whole place is gonna blow!” Grabbing her pert body in one arm, he turned to the exit.

Behind him, the floor caught fire, and alarms began to sound. From the mouth of Sterling Tunnel, Indiana heard the faint whirr of approaching Segways. He hurtled to the front of the room, losing Karen in his haste. Pity. A library guard sat unblinking, unmoved by the flames.

“Got any books in that—“

Indiana darted through the gate. A nearby overhead projector spun to face him and burned a clean, inch-wide hole in his head with a weapons-grade laser. His hat flew off as his body hit the floor.

The guard sighed. “That’s why we ask, you know,” he said, to nobody.

—A. Gertler

#adventure issue #short #A Gertler

The Smith family brought a whole new meaning to 'the Wild West'.

–V. Kim

#adventure issue #art #cartoon #V Kim

A Guide to Appraising Ancient Relics

If you’re reading this guide, congratulations! You’ve either discovered something you believe to be an ancient relic or your friends struggle with gift-giving. Either way, we’d get along very well!

Now I know from experience that you’re quite excited about your discovery, but I urge you to calm down a bit. Before you do anything else, it’s very important that you confirm what you have is indeed an ancient relic. If you’re unsure, think about where you found it. Booby-trapped temple? Sunken ship? Probably an ancient relic. Dollar General? Dumpster behind an Arby’s? Doubtful.

Once you’ve sorted out the good stuff, the first thing to look at is the material to get a relative sense of the value. A basic guideline for this, from least to most expensive, is as follows: wood, stone, silver, gold, petrified gold, weapons-grade uranium, and crystallized baby tears. You probably won’t find much of that last one, but if you do, go ahead and send in your two weeks’ notice, because you are set for life. If you find something made of any other material, it’s probably worthless; all substances besides those were created after the 14th century.

Of course, older objects are much more valuable, so determining the relic’s age should be your next step. Many people are tempted to carbon date their find, but you’re a treasure hunter! What do you need science for? There are a few much simpler, science-free tests you can perform to determine something’s age. My favorite is to cut the object in half and check the number of rings. If you see none, then the object is most likely not a tree, and may or may not be more than 400 million years old. If you do see rings, then it’s probably a tree, and thus not an ancient relic.

Having taken these considerations, you are ready to start selling! Here are some helpful tips to get the best price for your relic. Most people willing to buy such treasures are very lonely, so be sure to flirt a lot and make empty promises about meeting up. It’s also important to act like you’re an experienced seller. Some helpful phrases to drop include “I sure did sell a lot of ancient relics today!,” “That vase you’re holding is made almost entirely of uranium,” and “How does some sexy time with yours truly sound? Not right now though.” If you do all this, you are well on your way to successfully selling an ancient relic.

Happy appraisal!

—E. Campbell-Taylor

#adventure issue #short #E Campbell-Taylor

Other Things the DeLorean Could Have Used For Fuel

Christmas cheer

Baby tears

Canned tuna oil

The blinding orange of Marty McFly’s vest

Biff Tannen’s hair gel

Gravitational force from the all-consuming black hole that would unravel the very fabric of the universe were such time-travel to actually occur

Premium unleaded gasoline

—A. Beizer