#zaunitanil

[zaunitanil]

december 14, 2024 everything in me burns and burns and burns

please do not come back here once your soul begins to ache please do not reach for me when the coldness of choice surrounds you

that life you chose, let it keep you let you find warmth in its grip let us leave each other be

for there is no room for your hell in the expanse of my heaven

let old dogs rest

Zauni Tanil from december diaries

[zaunitanil]

september seventh you return to the thing that once fed you only to find it empty

for love comes with the highest request who am I to you but all mirrored of what you will never be who am I but a haunting reminder of all that you may lose? and what am I but the undoing which cannot be returned love measures no waves but stays the course of its inception

so though it may be years removed I still meant it when I said I got you.

zauni tanil from september diaries 

[zaunitanil]

september thirtieth I swallow breaths whole at the thought of moving forward without you

and as september rests I give arms to the autumns  of october; may they raise the strengths formerly buried may I grow in ways unknown may I rest the breath which baits  may we all, at last, exhale. thank you.

Zauni Tanil from September Diaries 

[zaunitanil]

september eighteenth they say go silently go deeply go without go with heart go boldly go humbly go wholly play your part

but which part am I playing? on which path am I staying? Father, can you hear me praying — how do I go the distance?

zauni tanil, from september diaries

[zaunitanil]

september twentieth we weep silently for the expansion of time between who we were and what we lost

Zauni Tanil from September Diaries

[zaunitanil]

september sixteenth I miss those days I was a not-so-humble poet, she says the days when I drank gin in excess and black russians in pretension and swayed around lazily all day in tattered and torn delicate french lingerie those days I wrote lovedrunk lines of vicious men who really weren’t so vicious, I just loved writing them into monsters because it made me more delicate back when my home was a den of seduction and a cesspool of deceit and the only real things that made me real happy were self-inflicted scars to write home about I’d lay on my couch swirling glasses of wine, crying out to the world, why me?!

zauni tanil, from september diaries

[zaunitanil]

september twenty fifth everyone was rooting for the version of me I didn’t want to exist they were praying for the girl I found far too plain praising the woman who I felt far too dull I hated being small because maybe that’s all I ever was to them

Zauni Tanil from September Diaries 

[zaunitanil]

september third I woke up stressed so I need you to understand everything I say today means nothing everything I hope for today means nothing everything I long for today means nothing I need you to know if I call you today it means nothing If I hug you today it means nothing If I kiss you today I feel nothing If I place my hand over your heart, squeeze it a little yank it out of your chest to lay it still in my hand I need you to know it only means nothing

because I woke up today feeling nothing which means I woke up today feeling something and in order to see in this darkness in order to bring light to this loneliness I must set flame to everything in the wake of this path I only burn things to bring me back to life

zauni tanil from september diaries