Jily prompt 12, angst with happy/hopeful ending?
Thank you for the prompt!! Send me more prompts here :)
This turned into part 2 of my other prompt, Complicated.
Lily huffed and threw down her quill. That was the third time in five minutes that she’d incorrectly labeled her Astronomy chart. At this rate it would take half the night to finish her assignments. She sat back, cursing her clumsy fingers, and reached for her wand to siphon off the spilled ink. The short break in her homework allowed her mind to wander back to James.
He and his friends had returned from Hogsmeade that afternoon. James, a little cross-eyed and unsteady on his feet, determinedly didn’t glance at her as he made his way to the boy’s dormitory. Lily suspected that the bottles of dusty firewhiskey on display at The Hog’s Head were to blame for James’ demeanor. She didn’t like to think of him drinking out of sadness, especially sadness that she had caused.
Lily leaned back in her spot on the maroon couch and closed her eyes. Honestly, she thought, massaging her temples in frustration, why does he always insist on making things more difficult? There was no reason James couldn’t flirt with other girls in their year. There were plenty of pureblood and halfblood girls who would have killed for him to wink at them, to ruffle his stupid hair and flash his crooked smile in their direction. Why did he always have to flirt with her instead, even when he knew the liability she would be to him?
Lily opened her eyes. An upside down Remus grinned at her from above. Lily sat up again in her chair and stretched, then patted the seat next to her. “Come, join the misery.”
“You make it sound so appealing,” Remus laughed, taking the seat beside her. He pulled out several large textbooks and a roll of parchment. “I’m so behind in Herbology. Sprout’s better than the others, but she’s still making me do the essay I missed last full moon.”
Lily grimaced. She knew that Remus often had trouble with professors who did not accept his Lycanthropy as an excuse for missing homework assignments. The teachers might have to accept Remus’ condition on Dumbledore’s orders, but they weren’t obligated to cut him any slack. Lily tried to help Remus as much as she could, but he always felt behind his classmates in their assignments.
“Here,” she smiled, pushing her own finished essay towards him, “take mine. I got it back today in class.”
“Bless you,” Remus said, scanning her neat writing, “this is going to help loads.”
“No problem,” mumbled Lily, who had gone back to work on her Astronomy chart.
“Funny,” said Lupin easily as he retrieved his quill and ink from his bag, “that you’re so nice to me and so stubborn with James.”
Her eyes snapped to Remus’. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing!” He looked anxious for a moment, like he hadn’t expected her quick-tempered reaction, “just that he told us you had a row. Something about you not wanting to be seen with him. He was pretty cut up, if you must know.”
Lily groaned and dropped her head into her hands. Blimey, he had been drinking on her account.
“It wasn’t like that,” Lily said into her hands, “he wanted to walk down to the village together, and I told him it wasn’t a good idea. He never let me explain that I didn’t want trouble from the Slytherin lot when they saw us together.”
Remus frowned. “Why would walking with James make you worry about trouble from the Slyterhins? They always try to mess with you, why would he make any difference?”
Lily did not speak for a moment. How much did she really want to divulge to Remus? She didn’t want to sound dramatic or self-centered. Like her little life could have such a profound impact on James’ that she couldn’t be seen with him.
“It’s...complicated?” she offered weakly.
Remus laughed. “Yeah, he said you’d say that.”
“He doesn’t get it,” Lily spoke suddenly, feeling the words pour from her like a fawcett, “he doesn’t understand the shit I’m in these days. The shit we’re all in, muggleborns,” Lily looked pleadingly at Remus now, “It’s so dangerous out there. They’ve already threatened my dad once. We’re barely safe in Hogwarts where we have to deal with shit from the Slytherins and, frankly, the other houses too, and all the while we’re worried about our families and the war and everything else!”
Lily noticed her shoulders shaking and tried to steady her nerves. Remus regarded her gently, as if he was waiting for her to finish before he spoke, so she plowed on.
“And then Potter, pureblood, practically part of the Sacred 28, starts trying to chat me up in public. And he’s not exactly subtle, is he? He’s always making a spectacle, making everyone look at him, perceive him, and he loves it! He doesn’t understand that knowing me, being close to me, is more dangerous for him than it is for other people. If he gets close to me they’ll consider it the highest betrayal. They’ll target him. I won’t let that happen.”
When Lily finished she found she needed a moment to catch her breath. She’d said all that very quickly, as if she’d been keeping it in for a long time, and had not paused to censor her words. She felt her chest lighten a bit. It felt good to tell Remus her fears.
Remus put his hand over hers. “Lily,” he whispered, stroking his thumb along her wrist, “like it or not, we’re all going to still want to know you no matter how bad this war gets. So you better get used to it.”
She let out a watery laugh, trying to wipe away the tears that formed behind her eyes without him noticing. “Thanks, Remus. But you get it, don’t you? I mean -” she said quickly, not wanting to offend him, “I’m not saying it’s the same, being muggleborn and a...you know,” she whispered, glancing around at the common room for anyone listening to their conversation. “But you understand what it’s like to be afraid to be close to someone.”
“Yes,” he whispered, gripping her hand tighter, “I do. And that’s why I’m telling you that you have to fight that fear. Pushing people away keeps you isolated, and being isolated makes you vulnerable. For your sake, as well as everyone else’s, you have to try and let people get close to you.”
She smirked at him. “People like your good pal James?”
“Well, if not him, then someone else,” Remus laughed, “I’m just saying, James knows what he’s doing. He’s not thick, most of the time. He knows that you’ve got it worse than him and he’s not afraid to stand up and be there for you. He knows what he could lose in this war, the same as the rest of us. And people like that don’t come around every day.” Remus patted her hand once then turned back to his homework. “Just make sure you’re pushing him away because he’s an obnoxious, arrogant git, and not because you’re afraid of hurting him.”
Lily laughed. “You know me so well.”
“I know you both well,” Remus chuckled, “believe me, your instincts aren’t entirely wrong. Oh, look, speak of the devil.”
Lily whipped around in her seat.
James stood awkwardly in the doorway to the boy’s dormitory, bookbag slung across his shoulder. He looked at her wearily.
“Glad to see you’re good as new again,” Remus beamed at him. Lily avoided James’ gaze.
“Yeah, you know me. I can always rally. I was just on my way to the library…”
“No,” Lily interjected, surprising both boys and herself, “join us.” She pointed at the empty armchair next to her seat.
James stared at her. “Are you sure? If you’re busy -”
“I insist,” she said, still pointing at the chair.
James looked unsure, but he took the empty chair. Lily was annoyed to notice that Remus was unable to hide his wide, knowing smile as James sat down.
“So,” James said, pulling out his Astronomy chart, “have you been able to crack this yet?”
“Nope,” Lily was grateful for the easy homework conversation, “I was just telling Remus I’ll be here half the night finishing.”
“Well...Good. I’ll be here too, with you.”
She smiled. “Thanks, James.”