Creative Drought
My goal with my fics is to restate why my favorite character is my favorite character. I don't see that goal in the fics I read. Anymore.
I hate my Kyo fic the most. The scenario is shallow and only made room for one aspect of his character. I hinted at how I interpret his hidden depths and his inability to be vulnerable, but it can be easily disregarded as bookends (which is true). Outside of that, the dynamic I chose for him to have with the Reader is not a dynamic that's typically depicted in Kyo fics. It's my only fic where I legitimately fear that I've misinterpreted the character.
It's my only fic where I know that I've failed to attain my goal.
In my defense, starting that fic was an uphill battle. It was a straightforward idea that focused on an even more straightforward character, yet I feared that I wouldn't have been able to finish what I wanted to start badly. With fifteen mainline games, TWO otome games, and a fully voiced visual novel, I was confident in my understanding of Kyo's character: unserious. He's mean, of course, but it's usually provoked. When he provokes others, mainly Iori, he's silly. His tone of being cocksure and confident always carries, even when he's struggling to be open, even when he hasn't been the protagonist since '98, yet he has been filling in the shoes of saving the world since '94. KOF 13 dialogue alone indicates all three of these aspects to Kyo's character. Again, very straightforward, but I wanted to be sure, validated, and to expand my mind on my perspective; I wanted insights from discussions. Discussion that... generally aren't had with Kyo because most of his open fans enjoy him for his kit and aesthetic. So I had to go to fanfiction.
From the batch I read, needless to say... I didn't have a fun time.
I read four types of fics: a general one, Kyo/Shingo, Kyo/Iori, and ... Kyo/Mai? The Kyo/Shingo one was the most interesting, as it took upon an interpretation of Shingo being his morality chain after the events of NESTS Saga. Unfortunately, I didn't agree with the way his vulnerability was expressed, as it was raw, explicit, direct and digestible. It didn't carry Kyo's voice. I backed out of the fic. The Kyo/Iori one was the most disappointing, as Iori is one of the few characters that can provoke all shades of Kyo at once, yet none were present in the fic. One again, I backed out. It was the same with the general fic I read too, as the only thing I noticed was his silliness, but that's all he was. Silly. And to no one's surprise, the Kyo/Mai fic was simply not targeted to me, to say the least. Kyo was essentially a self-insert for the author.
There was nothing I came across that reassured me of my interpretation of Kyo, and it made me question if I was creating aspects of his character that simply didn't exist. I was stuck in this limbo until I told myself: "Fuck it we ball."
That tone carried throughout all 2,675 words, and I hate it. It was the only fic where I gave up from the start, and it showed.
This was my creative drought.
Dissonance from Creative and Critical Thinking
Gone are the days of people uploading fics at funerals, in the hospital bed, fresh out of a breakup. The world is so shitty that satisfaction from completing creative projects doesn't exist anymore. Depression is intense and runs laps around our creative minds; it is fogged. We don't have the time or energy or want or desire to have drafts, to proofread, to write with intent and have goals with our works. Rgrks, "No Beta" uploads, c.ai and chatbot fics flood the feed, yet amateur authors still seek validation for their attempt at creativity.
Yet the tone will show all. I cannot enjoy your work more than you do.
Unless recommended to me, I don't read fanfiction anymore. With my fixation drifting away from anime and towards fighting games, I'm already at a grave disadvantage. As in, I can look for SNK x Reader right now, and I'll see my fic in the first five results kind of disadvantage. And I've learned my lesson from looking for JJK fics.
"Everyone calls it peak because they read fanfiction kaisen" was a statement I wish I didn't agree with because it came from an anti-yaoi account, but they're right. Not in the context of denying Gojo/Geto, but they're right. Gojo is the most detailed character in the series, so much so that I have an easier time talking about his personality than the damn protagonist, but his fics don't reflect Gege Akutami's intent with his character. Nanami, Toji: two of the few fully completed characters within the series, yet everyone writes them the same.
Let's take this scene from a fic as evidence.
This isn't the same character. Gojo, Nanami and Toji are all present in the scene. Are you able to tell who is who? Envision them saying the line? Attribute it to their character? When do they ever curse? Be so familiar with vulgarity? Why is it assumed that they would immediately act like this, instead of it being shown to us that sex with their partner would make them become this?
What happened to creative and critical thinking?
With the desperate search for immediate gratification and validation, conservatism has risen at an alarming rate within millennials and gen z. The world has gone to shit, so it validates one's need to splurge $500 on SHEIN, to promote a 20 step skincare routine that would damage their skin if they actually did it everyday, to overshare their depression, to judge and criticize someone for being able to do what they imagined themselves doing ten years ago. People have given up on wanting more for themselves.
My Connection with Writing
Winter 2021. All of my friends have graduated, and the one that didn't had to go back home to get proper treatment after getting stabbed. My ex of two years was still gaslighting me into believing that he - the person who has done me the dirtiest - still had my best interests, my parents are eight hours away, and I didn't know what to do.
So I wrote for myself, for the very first time since high school.
It's also my very first AO3 post.
I actually finished drafting the second chapter during the summer months, but I abandoned it in editing limbo. It bothered me for years, as I wanted nothing more than to follow through on the very thing that got me back into writing.
Until I read it a month ago.
It was bad. The dialogue was uninteresting, it broke the biggest rule in writing, I didn't give myself the room to show everything I wanted to show - it sucked. But it was clear that it was a fic from someone that was just happy to be writing again. I finally laid that fic to rest.
It's still accessible, if you want to read it. Same with the Kyo fic that I hate. Same with the Terry fic that I adore because I wrote it right after I finished reading Sula (insane followup, I know). Same with the Haruaki fic that took me a month to write. Same with the Yoshitora fic that nearly took a year for me to write. It's in the site name; my AO3 account is my archive, my journey in attaining my goals in writing. You are simply there as evidence that I achieved my goal.
The world is sadder than ever, but it is more important than ever to have something for yourself. Even if it takes an entire lifetime to write 500 words, it is still your work. I pray you find the value of your creative mind.
