Taiblog

It's the Taiblog! Xanga did a dumb thing, so the reviews are here now. Good comics, bad comics, crappy children's horror novels, and Mountain Dew: I'll review them all here~

[taiblogcomics]

Going Ghost!

Hey there, honour system glizzy distribution. It's my birthday! In fact, it's my 40th! The big four-oh. I think that entitles me to do whatever I want, yeah? Also, it's my blog, I was gonna do whatever I want anyway. But regardless, I've learned some stuff in all my years. Honestly, I really like doing the long reviews. Like, take Countdown. Other than the story, the writing, the dialogue, the plot, and everything about it, I kind of enjoyed reviewing it, just for all the interconnected story and continuity. Like when we used to do Suicide Squad and Red Hood and stuff. I enjoyed watching the continuity pile up and each story build on the last. It's what I like about comics in general! Now, I'm not the arbiter of comic enjoyment or anything. I'm not saying that the world of comic books is my divine province.

But I think what I am saying is that sometimes, shit happens, somebody's got to review it, and who ya gonna call~?

Well, first of all, if you're not familiar with Ghostbusters, what the hell are you still reading this blog for? Go watch Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II, two of the finest films ever crafted. But in the event you don't have time for that, I'll give you a little recap. After all, this cover is fantastic! Really eyecatching, kind of perfect to get the attention of any fans who happened to be browsing the comic shops way back in 2011. It's got action, it's got atmosphere, it's got beams of pure proton energy lancing towards the viewer… It's got it all!

So, back in the '80s, three scientists (Drs. Ray Stantz, Peter Venkman, and Egon Spengler) conclusively prove the existence of ghosts. As any good New Yorker would do, they set up an elimination and storage service, recruiting a fourth member (Winston Zeddemore) to help with the workload. In the middle of their success, they get embroiled in a plot by a Sumerian god of destruction, Gozer, to resurrect itself and manifest in modern times. They accidentally summon a hundred-foot-tall marshmallow man in the process, before defeating it and winning the day.

In the sequel, set five years later both in-universe and real life, the Ghostbusters are a little washed up. The ghostly activity died down after the Gozer incident, and a public lawsuit destroyed their credibility. Unfortunately, the manifestation of mood-altering slime and the creepy painting of a 16th-century tyrant, Vigo the Carpathian, drag them out of semi-retirement and back into the spotlight. This once again culminates in saving the world with a giant towering setpiece, in this case breaking into the art museum with a supernaturally-animated Statue of Liberty.

But we're not quite done! The comics canon also includes the 2009 video game. Set somewhere around 1992, the Ghostbusters continue their work, hiring an intern to test their unstable experimental equipment on (naming them "the Rookie" so they don't get too attached and also so they can immerse the player character). This time the plot once more revolves around the Gozerian cult, with demented magician and architect Ivo Shandor being the one on the resurrection block this time. And once again, the day is saved, thanks to unlicensed nuclear accellerators. The comics we're about to review pick up shortly after this!

We open this comic with an introduction to each of our four protagonists, in case you somehow wandered into this franchise without all those things I just summarised above. It's also another opportunity to dunk on Winston a bit, as the franchise loves to do for some baffling reason. Personally, in this house, on this blog, we love and support Winston. Anyway, the guys are all being introduced as part of a talk show, inexplicably hosted by Janine Melnitz, their secretary. In addition to some cameos from The Real Ghostbusters cartoon in the audience, Gozer is also in attendance, and they ask the pivotal question once again: Dr. Raymond Stantz, are you a god?

Showing he at least respects Winston's advice, Ray answers that yes, yes he is. However, there is no right answer to that question, and Gozer blasts him with electricity for being a liar. Recovering, Ray discovers he's on the roof of 55 Central Park West, where the temple to Gozer had been built. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is lumbering down the street, and this time it has Ray's face. Ray comments that this isn't how things went down, and a voice to his side replies that it's close enough, right? Yeah, in case it's not clear yet, this has all been a dream!

The voice to his side is the spitting image of John Belushi as Jake Blues (as a nod to Ray being portrayed in the films by Dan Aykroyd). He's basically Ray's spirit guide, and he tells Ray that, for all the blunder it was to turn Gozer's Destructor form into the Marshmallow Man, all it really has in way of advantage is size. He's soft, he's friendly-looking, he's made of sugar and gelatin. Ultimately, it was a good thing. But doing good tends to make you a target, and Jake here has a warning for Ray: The Third is coming. And before Ray can ask what that means, he wakes up.

Naturally, in their line of work, Ray knows better to chalk this up to just a nightmare and tells his colleagues about it next morning. Peter's ever the skeptic, but Egon's intrigued by the alpha waves coming off Ray's brain-scans. It could have been some form of precognition. Also going on that morning, a PR executive is on the phone while shaving. He must work for the Stay Puft company, because he's arguing about the Marshmallow Man's manifestations (it appeared again in the video game). You know what's worse for the company than bad PR, though? When a skull-faced blue ghost comes out of your mirror and drags you through it.

While the other GBs are dealing with Ray's brain, Winston's in the front office with Janine when a youthful child comes in. He's got a box of his mom's baklava and the weariness that his uncle Janosz was partially responsible for the events of Ghostbusters II (Janosz was Vigo's human lackey while the big guy was still trapped in his painting). He's also seen another ghost, and Winston assures him that both it's not his fault when weird stuff happens in New York, and that they'll go check out his apartment for this new ghost, accepting the baklava as payment instead of their usual fee. And that's why we like Winston~

Yeah, apparently Janosz also caught the blame for that whole Vigo biz in the aftermath, coz it's just like the local government to scapegoat a guy. So the Ghostbusters, having been scapegoated themselves a few times, try to do right by the various family members of the folks they've helped. Winston pulls Peter away from the brain-scan stuff and takes him along to investigate young Alan's apartment. Peter, of course, is a little grouchy Winston's taken another pro bono case, but quickly drops the snarky comments when they reach the building and find it's absolutely dripping with a glowing blue slime.

After a little more griping, Peter and Winston reach the fourth floor apartment Alan's family lives in. These comics love doing little cameos, and I love catching them, like here where the readout on Winston's PKE meter matches the graphic the Kenner roleplay toy's had. Whatever's haunting the place, it ducked next door, so Peter heads to the next apartment over to try and flush it Winston's way. Unfortunately, when Peter encounters the spook, it recognises him and blasts him through the wall. Ooh, I hope that won't come out of Alan's family's deposit. And our first issue ends with a good look at what's haunting the place: it's the ugly spud himself, Slimer, only way more juiced-up and aggressive-looking than ever before…

Welp, settle in! I really love this series, I really love this franchise, and I'm gonna enjoy the next year or so re-reading all these and recapping them for you! And yeah, it's gonna last even longer than Countdown did! It's a gift to me! I wanna get the most out of it~

As for this issue, I think it's a pretty solid hook to start a new chapter of the franchise with. You got your familiar continuity callbacks to delight the longtime fans (particularly love that the first thing they do is answer the question of what if Ray had answered the other way when Gozer asked if he was a god), and the new plot hook of this Man From the Mirror. I also like that Winston gets a lot of screentime right away, since as I mentioned earlier, the franchise hasn't always been so good at giving him focus. Don't worry about that, though! This series will give all the Ghostbusters their time in the sun as we go on~

[taiblogcomics]

My Hairiest Lame-venture

Hey there, giggle-powered buttercats. We're at the end of my stack! It's the very last of my MLP comics. Dunno if that's something to celebrate, but at least it's a way to spend a July afternoon. And isn't that all we really want~?

Boy, am I glad this isn't labelled as one of the "Classics Reimagined" series. Is "Hair" a classic? I dunno a lot about hippie musicals. If you thought I didn't know much about "Little Women", you'd be surprised how even littler I'd know here! Anyways, I really hope this cover pulled folks in. Like, I'm already offended by the idea of dragons with hair, and I'm even more offended by the idea that Sparky is going to be our focus character. Sparky is literally "We have Spike at home", and I don't think that's even a controversial statement.

Also, just coz I need to use this GIF somewhere in this review:

Anyways, we open our comic with Pipp Petals getting a delivery at Mane Melody, which is apparently some variety of fusion hair salon/musical stage she runs or owns or something. I genuinely don't recall this ever being a thing. Like, just for starters, why would she open a business in Maretime Bay when she lives in Zephyr Heights? Even if you can fly, that's a heck of a commute. Oh wait, I know why, it's so Sparky can be embroiled in the plot. And indeed, Hitch comes by to drop Sparky off so Pipp can babysit the little dragon.

In the shipment, Pipp's received a bunch of new beauty products for testing. Unfortunately, these products are not labelled, so she's just gonna have to test them all to find out what they are. Wow, I found something worse than Sparky being the focus character. She does have a product list, so these aren't necessarily arbitrary guesses, but I think the fact that we're literally testing unknown chemicals on a child is not a great look. Either way, though, she decides this one jar looks like mane moisturiser and rubs it on Sparky's scalp.

Hey, guess what, it was the fast-acting hair growth serum instead. Sparky's now sitting there with a massive red mane several times longer than himself. Apparently this is crisis mode, because Pipp immediately panics and begins trying all the other product she can. Don't, like, try cutting the hair, just rub more product in. Nothing works, but eventually it's revealed Sparky has been holding the instructions the whole time. Basically, the hair growth will just wash out with water if rinsed in fewer than 24 hours. The crisis that was never really a crisis is averted! Even if Sparky is seen with a handful of the cream when he walks out with Hitch.

So this issue is actually an anthology, as you might expect. I don't think Sparky's even in the rest of it. Anyway, Zipp is stopping by Hitch's for a meetup. Apparently Hitch takes a long amount of time to style and set his mane, while Zipp does not. The next few pages are each about their respective morning hair-care routines, and it's just as exciting as the single sentence I've taken to tell you about it makes it seem. Thankfully, this thrill-a-minute comic book plot is interrupted when Misty comes bouncing down the street trapped in a giant bubble. The big final joke is that their efforts to stop the bubble and rescue Misty alters their manestyles to the opposite of what they normally are like.

So, what's Izzy up to? Going a little insane, I guess, since she's carting around a full-size model pony named Señor Butterscotch and speaking for him. I didn't finish Make Your Mark (or watch Tell Your Tale in the slightest), but I don't remember this ever being a thing before. Regardless, she's finished a day of crafting, and has decided that she probably needs a shower and mane-wash after all that. She figures Pipp's thing-I-also-don't-remember-being-a-thing is probably busy today, so it's a home care session. And then, once again, the next few pages are just Izzy's hair-care routine, and it's as thrilling as it was the first time. The comic then ends when an exhausted Pipp comes visiting to make use of that snack tray Izzy had been crafting.

Wow. Do you know what would have been more interesting than an entire issue about hair? Anything! Like, sheesh. At least the first story let me snark a bit about what an awful babysitter Pipp is, because the other two had nothin' going on. The one good thing in any of it was a bit during Izzy's story where she points out that everybody has different hair textures and requires different care suited to them, which is a good lesson for little girls. Plus it also shows that one mottle-coated OC again, who is a little bit black-coded, and it's nice getting some representation for that in MLP outside of the zebras. But keep in mind, that's the best part. If you like hearing about somebody going to the barber and there's no attached funny event to that, just a detailed recounting of mundane events, maybe this is up your alley. As it is, maybe this is for the best it's our last MLP comic ever~

Next week, it's my birthday! My 40th birthday! So I'm gonna do something I really enjoy, because I deserve it. Especially after this issue, jeepers cripes.

[taiblogcomics]

Sinking to Certain Depths

Hey there, godless Godzilla communists. Wanna take a little dip into this issue of Set Your Sail~?

Here's the cover:

Ah, we're back to the beauties of the ocean! Look at that big streak of colours! I guess Zipp's getting a good tour. Also, those are some fish-ass fish, if you get what i mean. Like, they're still very colourful, but you can say the same about real-life tropical fish. There's just something slightly uncanny and realistic about them, in a world where we also had pega-snails sapient enough to participate on a roller derby team. All I'm saying is, no wonder Fluttershy uses fish to feed her carnivore charges, you get me?

All right, so, the seaponies have called up our heroes for diplomatic reasons. Izzy and Pipp get kidnapped on the way there, and rescued by a group of trenchpony pirates. Meanwhile, Zipp is meeting with the reigning princesses in her sister's stead, to unite the land and sea kingdoms against the trenchponies. Both sides seem to think the other is on the verge of wiping them out once and for all, given how all the other sea kingdoms have already fallen. Who's right? Who's wrong? Who's ready to read on and find out~?

So, how is Maris one of Pipp's fans all the way at the bottom of the ocean? They have these electric jellyfish called antentacles, which can pick up and transmit radio signals, even underwater. Sure, why not! It'll help, coz the Trenchponies need Pipp to act as sort of a popstar spokespony. Get the message out, y'know? Kind of a Live-Aid thing, except the folks involved are actively being hunted by a rival political power! It's gotta help, since the Galloping Ghost books have recently been "corrupted" to their message.

So, the big issue here is the Anchors that Calla Lily told Zipp about last issue. She thinks the Trenchponies have the final one, the Shadow Pearl from the Shadow Sea. But if they had a magic artifact, they'd probably be using its magic to rebuild their kingdom. Or at least their ramshackle pirate ship. Plus, they're too young to actually be behind the darkness swallowing up the other kingdoms. They lost their parents in the fall of their kingdom, you know. Maris doesn't even remember what they looked like. Is that enough sympathy points yet?

Anyways, the Anchors are more serious than that. They've got an old captain's logbook detailing the Anchors. If all seven are united, it could very well spell disaster, causing the sea itself to rage against the land and swallow all in its wake. That's some apocalypse-level Kyogre stuff. It's basically the antithesis of the ponies' own Unity Crystals. Since Calla Lily already has six of the Anchors, it's very important she never get the seventh--wherever it is. Finding that out before the other side does is now priority number one.

Which, speaking of the other side, Zipp's still incredibly suspicious. She's been taking pictures with her smartphone, and I'm impressed with Equestria's waterproof technology. Anyways, she and Anemone go get coffee, and did you expect a commentary on AI art in this underwater pony story? Zipp shows her the pictures on her phone, and points out things like the brushstrokes on the castle paintings being wrong, and even the photos of Pipp and Izzy posted to their social media have the wrong hair and extra hooves. Even the flower Anemone's been wearing after her sister tucked it behind her ear turns out to be fake.

Say, speaking of weird propaganda, Izzy gets to wondering why the books changed. And she's quickly met with by a squid. This is Creeping Jenny, the author of the Galloping Ghost books. She speaks in a singsong, meandering way. It's not quite rhyme, but it's very dramatic. The gist of it is, she didn't write volume four. Or rather, it's not the volume four she wrote. Some power changed it after the fact. Not through ink and pen, but some other force. Hmm, that sounds like a familiar circumstance, doesn't it…?

As if to cement the idea, they immediately show on the very next page that Calla Lily is behind these illusions, using the Ersatz Enchantment to fix up the appearance of their family tree. Not to actually cover anything up, just make it more presentable. Zipp barges in and immediately gets to the accusations of how nothing adds up. Indeed, if you compare the panels, when Calla Lily was alone, the throne room was dingy and gray. When Zipp comes in, everything brightens and stops being run-down. So much for that mystery~

When Zipp keeps pressing the points, Calla Lily has the guards confine Zipp to her room. Because nothing says "I'm not being suspicious" like putting a guest in house arrest for looking too closely at your bookshelf. Anemone also notes the difference in the family tree (their signatures were placed when they were kids, but Calla Lily has made them more presentable), declaring that her sister had said the enchantment was only for emergencies, but now she's just covering up anything she doesn't want to fix properly. And now she's covered up her own sister.

So Anemone switches sides. She heads to Zipp's room and is able to just go in past the guards. Princess privileges! Zipp is about to break the window with a chair, and I'm wondering if there aren't easier methods to get through a window before that. Anyways, Anemone tells Zipp the truth about how Pipp (and Izzy) was kidnapped before she got there. Her sister is doing some questionable shit and lying all the time. Maybe Anemone doesn't know what being queen is like. But she does know what being sisters is supposed to be like. She sides with Zipp, and breaks the window herself. Okay, maybe there just isn't a latch or anything.

Anemone continues to apologise for her inaction as they swim along, as well as for her sister. Calla Lily isn't evil, she's just under a lot of pressure. She's using the Ersatz Enchantment to preserve what they have left, but since it's being over-used, the things she's making are starting to go wrong. She has to protect them from the trenchponies. Zipp retorts how she's even sure the trenchponies even tried to steal the Anchors to begin with, and Anemone replies that Calla Lily's only doing what her mom told her. And what her mom told her. And what her mom told her…

Just as Anemone is about to have a breakdown realising her family has been the cause of all the encroaching darkness all along, the two of them suddenly hear Pipp's voice over the radio. She makes essentially the same point Anemone has just come to: Calla Lily is trying to collect all the Anchors for herself, and has painted the trenchponies as the villains here. The pressure of being a ruler is greater than the pressure of the ocean itself, and she's looking for an easy answer. Pipp promises to be the one doing right, if anypony wants to reach a fin out to her.

And oh, Princess Calla Lily. Her sister's not the only one having a breakdown! She at first tries a new excuse for why she was using the Enchantment, but finds Anemone isn't in her room--nor is Zipp in hers. She's flabbergasted her sister would just leave, and is struggling to find a way to respond. The trenchponies truly have no idea where their Anchor is, and she's tired of trying to find it. She really thought the rumours of the land ponies' Unity Crystal was the way to go. So she uses the Enchantment to conjure her own Shadow Pearl out of thin air and add it to the other six.

Almost immediately, there's a huge shockwave. The comic illustrates how much this is a Bad Thing™ by having the gutters of the page be coloured black. The tremors hit hard enough for all the folks back in Zephyr Heights to get knocked over, and it even can be felt all the way in Briarwood (through use of a social media post of a chair being knocked over). Sunny, Hitch, and Misty basically decide that they can't afford to be side characters in this story anymore, and they seapony up and head down into the depths to see what's going on…

Woo! Things are starting to pile up here, huh? Even at this point, it's hard to quite say who's in the wrong. Like, even if Calla Lily's setting herself up as the antagonist here, you can't really call her the villain, yeah? Which makes a pretty compelling story, I gotta tell you! Comparing the Anchors to their Unity Crystal but in a bad way is kind of an ingenious storyline bit, definitely kind of something new. I do wonder if it's rushing to a climax a little fast, though, considering there's two issues left, and we're already causing an apocalypse.

Speaking of what's left, this is where I inform you that unfortunately, this is all I got! I don't have the final two issues for this miniseries. I'll make you a deal, though. Since I'm already pretty intrigued, if I ever get my hands on the trade for this story, we'll come back to this and cover those last two issues. Sounds fair and fun, yeah~?

What I do have left, however, is one more one shot that we'll cover next week~

[taiblogcomics]

Grim Tidings

Hey there, my jarona. July is upon us! So is a good deal of heat! Let's take a dip into this next issue of Set Your Sail to try and beat that heat!

Here's the cover:

Ah, here's the other side of the ocean: the spooky stuff! The deeper you go, the weirder it gets! Personally, I'm super into the weird, spooky shit in the ocean just as much as the cool and beautiful parts, but I realise not everyone is. Those obvious abyssal seaponies aside, pretty sure those things surrounding Izzy and Pipp are just moon jellies, which are, like, one of the most harmless species of jellyfish. All in all, I think this cover's pretty great! I can feel myself sinking into the dark waters and cooling off just looking at it…

So, last time, our heroes Pipp and Izzy volunteered to be delegates to the seapony kingdom. Unfortunately, they got ambushed by an implied group of pirates, and thrown off the sea train in burlap sacks. If they weren't currently under a spell turning them into seaponies, that'd be pretty bad for them! The knots are too strong for Izzy's magic to undo, but fortunately somepony else frees them. We don't get to see who this is, but our delegates are pretty surprised by what they see. Or at what they… sea? No~?

Back home in Zephyr Heights, Zipp is trying to piece together the mystery of the Galloping Ghost's author. Her mom the queen (I've forgotten her name) has gotten the texts from Pipp that they're okay. Zipp points out that it's from an unknown number, but Queen Mom just attributes it to bad signals and her phone getting wet. So everything's fine! Still, she wants Zipp to hack into her sister's socials and make posts to reassure her fans while she's away. Zipp's only objection is that she's not the influencer type. I dunno, this seems like standard influencer behaviour to me.

So, remember that one piece of evidence Hitch found, the book cover with "LIAR" written on it? We now cut over to the Sparkling Sea kingdom, where a yellow seapony with a large collar is talking to her pink sister with seaweed hair. They're also discussing the same book, with the same message scrawled on it. The pink sister, Anemone, found a box of them out by the riptide, and figures some might even have been caught in the currents to the shore. Her sister chides her for hanging out and looking for other cultures' artifacts, and I see we're in a The Little Mermaid situation here~

Anemone's sister, Princess Calla Lily, notes that the riptides also wash up stuff from the ruins of the other kingdoms, which were all destroyed by the trenchponies. Aw yeah, the deep-sea weird stuff I'm into. The proof's all there in volume 4. Anemone points out it's a little weird that they can't find copies of the first three volumes anymore, but Calla Lily brushes it off, thinking it's a little weird Anemone cares that much. Besides, the new volume is like the stories their mom used to tell them. I'm smelling some sort of propaganda machine at work here…

Anyways, full-page splash (appropriate!) while Calla Lily tells her people's tale. Long ago, there were seven kingdoms under the seas. Each kingdom had a magical object known as an Anchor that was the source of their magic. But the trenchponies who dwelled in the darkest depths got jealous, what with their terrible living situation and all. So they began attacking the other kingdoms and stealing their Anchors. However, they couldn't defeat the Sparkling Sea kingdom, who took possession of the other Anchors. Now they're looking for the Last Anchor, the one belonging to the Trenchpony kingdom itself.

Anemone asks if she practices that whole thing in front of the mirror. Okay, really starting to like this character. She wants to find the Last Anchor herself and reunite the seas, maybe make a sea train that goes more than a couple miles. Calla Lily points out that at present, the train is a crime scene. She's sent Officers Sand and Shore to look at it, and they heard about the ponynapping of Pipp and Izzy. You know, royalty from another kingdom. As they say, kind of a bad look. Somepony must've intercepted their original invitation.

The invitation they recovered from the crime scene matches the hoofwriting of the "LIAR" on the book cover, which is impressive to match four letters. Calla Lily's been using a magic item known as the Ersatz Enchantment (which sounds like something straight out of a Lemony Snicket book) to cover up the potential incident. Anemone says that's only supposed to be for emergencies, but how else would you qualify a visiting royal delegate being kidnapped from your kingdom? And you think it's an emergency now, a message comes over the currents that another princess is checking in.

Yep, Zipp has, well, zipped down to try and find what happened to her sister. Anemone dashes over using the currents, and helps perpetuate the cover-up. Eh, I still like her. Zipp's a little reassured but not dissuaded, at least wanting a tour of the kingdom before she leaves. No reason her sister should have all the fun, right? And she did get all magicked up (see the cover of the previous issue). I hope it's not too ironic to say for a bunch of seaponies, but I hope these guys aren't in over their head over all this. Hope they're not in too deep! Not under a lot of pressure or anything!

Speaking of sinking situations, turns out Pipp and Izzy's rescuers are a group of trenchponies. The only real important one is Captain Starboard, a cute greenish seapony with a black-and-white mane like a skunk. They're aboard their ship, and while Izzy is going a little fangirl nuts over the Trenchponies from her books, Pipp is more interested in the little matter of being ponynapped. Starboard admits it's because they need their help, and it's not for any of the silly reasons Izzy rattles off. No, what the trenchponies be lookin' for is revenge.

Anemone takes Zipp to a garden that Calla Lily's been tending to since they were little, Pearlscape Park, the crown jewel of Sparkling Sea. Calla Lily herself turns up to greet Zipp, but that only makes her more suspicious of why she's not with her sister right now. And despite the pressure of the ocean around her, the pressure of Zipp's suspicion is stronger. She tells Zipp that this was more than a mere diplomatic meeting: she wants to forge an alliance with a land kingdom to shore up their own defenses. After all, if the sea kingdoms all fall, it wouldn't be hard for that kind of destruction to affect the land as well.

Notice how she hasn't confessed to Pipp's kidnapping yet… Which, speaking of, she and Izzy are getting the opposite spiel over with Starboard's crew. In particular, Maris the Crow, the ship's DJ (a legitimate seafaring position, I assure you), wants to see Pipp in particular. In their viewpoint, Sparkling Sea has it in for them, and they're the ones who wil be wiped out if the Sparkling Sea keeps up their business. Maris is a pirate--which is to say, she runs a pirate radio station. And the word of a princess and popstar would really draw the attention to their cause. That's her offer!

All righty, this one's actually getting pretty intriguing. Situation's not so cut-and-dry, is it? Not when dealing with underwater scenarios. These things go a little deeper. It ought to be noted that none of Starboard's crew match those who ponynapped Izzy and Pipp in the first place. This one's actually shaping up lie a real mystery, and I'm also really digging the various seapony designs. Let's see where the current takes us with this one~

[taiblogcomics]

Time to Sink or Swim!

Hey there, chromatic arrangements. Summer is definitely upon us now, here in the last week of June. Well, if you're feeling the heat, maybe we can get out of the kitchen and cool off with a swim~

Here's the cover:

All right. We all need to get it out of our system first of all, right? Everypony with me now: Shoo-be-doo~ Okay? We good? Expected reference made? Let's move on! Anyways, this cover has all that soothing colouration and stuff that really makes me enjoy the ocean and its biomes. Like, ye, thalassophobia, I get it. Being on the ocean is terrifying. Being in the ocean is relaxing and beautiful. It's not where we're meant to be. But I never tire of looking at it. Also, there's not much you can do to improve a pony's cuteness, but making them a seapony is one way. You blow them bubbels, Izzy!

The intro to this one is structured in an actually kind of narratively interesting way. It's voiceover dialogue from Sunny Starscout and Izzy Moonglow on an unrelated topic, but the conversation matches what's going on onscreen, in a way. Izzy's talking about how nothing's what it seems and it's easy to be shocked, like when she made some caramel apples and caramelised a few onions while she was at it. But the visuals show a huge, dark-looking pirate ship showing up, shocking a fish from its anemone home as it plows through the sea.

Both of these events are leading up to Izzy talking about the same thing, as we join our heroes on the beach. She's regaling stories of The Galloping Ghost, a seapony pirate ship. She actually gained this book from the collection they uncovered back in the 40th Anniversary Special, in a nice bit of continuity. Sunny points out that they still don't know if any of those books are true, but Izzy dares to dream "what if?". She's even been having Sunny and Misty research underwater-breathing spells, just in case.

Adding to the mystery, Izzy found another book washed up on shore when she was out this morning. It's actually volume 4 of the series, while the ones Sunny's dad had were only 1 through 3. She and Izzy come to different conclusions. Sunny thinks it must be a seapony writing these, since the never-before-seen book washed up on shore. Izzy, however, points out that the writing style is completely different to the first three volumes. It also swaps the Galloping Ghost from being a helpful vessel to a nefarious scourge. A fake author, she concludes.

Izzy and Pipp Petals hit the boardwalk, mostly so Pipp can get away from seaweed and seagull. (Tip: the boardwalk will probably have more gulls.) She's not into all Izzy's book learnin', she's got popstar princess things to take care of. Her current livestream initiative is "Set Your Sail", and there's definitely no room for conspiracy theories on seaponies there. Hitch Trailblazer, meanwhile, wakes up after being buried in the sand to find a bunch of flotsam and jetsam has washed up on him. Zipp Storm notices something about it, and they give it a stronger look.

So the debris Hitch found is a kelp copy of the Volume 4 cover with "LIAR" written in red right over it. It's concerning where one would get waterproof red ink at the bottom of the ocean. And at the same time, Pipp gets a text from her mom, the queen, revealing a driftwood letter she's received. Turns out, there's a royal kingdom out in the Sparkling Sea, and they'd like a diplomatic party be sent over to bridge the gap between land and sea. They request Pipp in particular, since they like her music. So, what was that about seapony conspiracies~?

Naturally, Izzy wants to come along on Pipp's diplomatic mission, and they go to their last friend, Misty Brightdawn, to check in on that spell thing. I guess Misty isn't a beach person. Misty hasn't quite found a water-breathing spell, but she has discovered a potential transformation spell instead. All they have to do is get wet. Hmm, do the spell components come from the Jusenkyo springs, perhaps? With no time to waste, the pair of them head out to a roller coaster on the boardwalk to give this spell thing a try.

It's one of those water roller coasters with a splashdown finish, and when the two are fully submerged, they transform into seaponies. There was no other way to test this spell! Fortunately, they also happen to be right where the underwater train to Sparkling Sea promised to pick them up. That's certainly a sentence I just wrote. The ponies manning this submersible subway are a little odd, with the gelatinous one twigging something in Izzy's memory in particular. Nopony else seems to be riding the rails today, which also strikes them as odd. If this isn't enough for you yet, Pipp's getting no cellphone reception. Frankly, she should be glad it survived the sudden submersion at all~

In addition to the large gelatinous one with the beard made of bubbles (Foamy Joe), the other inhabitants of this creepy train ride include the extremely paranoid Two-Eyed Gilbert, a craggy-looking crab (literally) who claims to know the author of Izzy's books, and a pointy purple seapony with an eyepatch, who goes unnamed here. While Izzy's in a tizzy about the events of Volume 4, our purple friend keeps setting Pipp on distractions to keep her from updating her socials. And just as Izzy's realising Foamy Joe looks like a character in one of her books, the train goes through a tunnel, and the sinister seaponies stuff our heroes into a sack and jettison them into the open ocean, ending the issue.

All right, I admit I was a little skeptical about this one going in. Didn't know what to expect. But now I'm hooked. This one's interesting right out of the gate, with its cool mystery angle and the surprising callback to previous canon. Plus, as you might surmise from the gushing I did at the beginning, I always liked the concept of seaponies. And honestly, one of my few criticisms I might make of Friendship is Magic, I didn't like the way they combined them with the hippogriffs. They shoulda been their own thing. Now we can correct that, hopefully! I guess we'll have to... sea~

[taiblogcomics]

Game Set and Match

Hey there, vinegar and baking soda. Let's wrap up our roller derby adventure today, shall we?

Here's the cover:

The… fated confrontation? I mean, it would be, except I dunno who this is. Like, this isn't one of the Elitists or other enemy characters. And it's not like they don't know the OCs that are being used, Tracy and the Pegasnails have all appeared on previous covers in this very miniseries! It's a little odd. Who is this nopony to rate cover status. Speaking of odd things, Sunny is unnecessarily spiky today. Like, her equipment's not that intimidating in the story. Spikes are antagonist gear, Sunny! Is this the beginning of your villain arc??

Well, the time of the Kenbucky Derby is upon us! Tracy Tailspin hasn't been to one since she skate with the Dynamites, and it's turned into a much bigger affair than she remembers it. Like, there's booths and stuff selling souvenirs and equipment lining the halls of the stadium. One such booth ends up being manned (mared?) by Whinny Streak, of all ponies, former member of Tracy's old team. Turns out they've taken a similar life path, as she's here also coaching a new team of rookies, the Baltimare Bolts. Baltimare's still around in the ambiguous-number-of-years future?

While initially nervous because the Bolts have a way better league record, team captain Kirby Klash gets Sunny to relax. After all, she's nervous too. Tracy is one of her idols. So the two teams start a practice together. However, the Elitist team drops in, and they don't like the idea that their apparent sworn rivals are practicing with the best in the league. They got a sneaky plan, though. While Hitch is up in the bleachers, Tina Two-Bits pours some Pegasnail slime on his skates. Once he goes to take the field, the stickiness trips him, spraining a hoof.

So Hitch is now out of play, and they're out of players. If they can't replace him, they may have to forfeit. Fortunately, who should turn up but Misty? Yeah, remember how she was on the Elitists' team and that was being set up as potential conflict? Never mind that, she dropped out when she heard Tina and Flank the Tank gloating about their sabotage just now. Well, she'll let them have her if they want her, and they gladly accept their friend onto the team. They also text Kirby about it, who sends a confusing series of emojis in reply.

All right, we move on to the actual Derby. It's a bracket tournament, and they're doing both quarterfinals and semifinals today. I hope roller derby goes fast, because that's like six matches you're expected to watch. Also, despite being, like, a big sporting event enough to have sponsors and vendors out in the venue halls, there's literally only 72 ponies sitting watching it (I counted), and several of those are the other competing teams and Sunny's friends. I've attended high school assemblies with a bigger turnout.

But of course, the quarterfinals don't actually matter, they're fillers so the teams we care about can meet in the semis. First up: the Maretime Bay Brawlers (Sunny's team) vs. the Sandy Shore Slammers (AKA the Elitists). Also, at least Tina and Flank got suspended, so the team's not entirely scum. But the captain warns that Sunny tries any revenge stuff, they can always pull them from the bench.

Anyways, it's a long sports match. Much like fight scenes, there isn't really an interesting way to summarise these. Especially when they also got sports commentators, which is basically doing my job in long-form real-time. As an aside, there's also a funny (if confusing) gag where one of the commentator's moustache gets longer every time it cuts back to him. Just thought I'd mention that~

So, long story short, Sunny's team beats the Elitists by using actual teamwork and also the Pegasnails' slime move. I'm even less sure this should be legal now, but here we are. Kirby's team, the Baltimate Bolts, also wins their match offscreen, which implies that there's a second arena and these matches are playing simultaneously?? I think that might be an even worse setup than the "watch six matches in a row" format, because what if you wanted to watch two different teams, but they were both playing at the same time? That doesn't seem very fan friendly.

Regardless, we move on to day 2 for the finals. What, you thought the finals would be against the enemy team we've set up the entire previous storyline and not the last minute newbies we introduced only this issue? Don't be silly! The match gets underway, and it's just as hard to describe. They also cut back to the commentators way less, so no further moustache gags. But in the end… the Bolts win! Sunny's team did their best, and second place is nothing to be ashamed of! She just wanted to prove that they belong here. And they'll be back to prove it again next year!

...Huh. For all the build-up, this one feels a little... unsatisfying? Like, don't get me wrong, the final match is drawn pretty good and is enjoyable to read, as little of it as I summarised. And it's not that our team lost, that's not the point. But, like I said, why isn't it against the Elitists, the antagonist team we've been building up this whole time as the ones to beat? And sure, we did beat them in the semifinals. But, you know, Tina and Flank, the two biggest assholes, were benched. So they don't even get the satisfaction of putting them in their place in the actual competition. Plus, like, maybe with Tina and Flank benched and Misty having defected, maybe they'd bring in Sniffles and Oopsie Daisy, bring that narrative back around? Not even a mention or background cameo.

Maybe this miniseries was meant to have more issues, or they planned it out poorly. Coz remember how the last one was basically filler? If they skipped that issue, and expanded the story in this one to fill out two issues, that might've been a bit more satisfying. My best guess is either the number of issues got cut, or they realised that having the newbies win their first-ever tournament was unrealistic, so they brought in this Bolts team to be even better, but still let our heroes fight their rivals (sort of). I enjoyed this, but I don't think the ending is as good as it could have been. Needed at least one more issue and maybe some rewrites. Oh well!

Next time, we'll sea if we can keep up the summery activities~

[taiblogcomics]

Fundraiser: Judgement

Hey there, bodega cats. How's June been treating you? Maybe good? Hope it's good. Let's get into today's comic and see how it treats those small horses~

Here's the cover:

Look how cute Sunny looks in her skates! If nothing else about G5, they did give us some cute character designs. Sunny in particular is one of my favourites, which also goes great with her being the protagonist and all. The franchise can work in CG. Anyways, also here are the Pegasnails! And they're stackable! Stackable teammates seems like it would be very exploitable in sports. What I'm saying is that Sunny's team may be the Harlem Globetrotters of roller derby. What an insane idea I've spoken into the universe. Please make of it as you will.

Just to prove my point, the comic opens with Izzy showing a new play she's come up with: the Pegasnails stack up, then produce enough slime that it trips up the competitors. See, I don't think that would be legal for other characters to leave their bodily fluids on the track. Things seem to be going all right! Tracy Tailwind stops in to remind Sunny that the entry fee for the derby is due in a week. Hey, no problem! That's plenty of time to-- Wait, how much? Pipp, the livestreamer popstar, compares it to her follower count in terms of digits. Yikes.

Welp, I guess it's fundraising time! Pipp briefly offers to pay for it out of the royal vaults, but Sunny doesn't want a government bailout. She'd rather earn it herself. Or themselves, as a team. They brainstorm some ideas: a bake sale, an art competition, a public performance, skating lessons, a joust. Sunny decides to put all the ideas into one event, creating the Disco Derby. Of course, the Elitists find a flyer for the event, intending to take the trophy home for their own. Also, they imply matches have been taking place in between issues, with their stats for the season (3-1-1) being similar to Sunny's team.

Next day, Izzy's doing some prep for her tabletop RPG, so you know it's going to be foreshadowing. She takes that DM energy to the skate session that day, setting up an obstacle course of cups of their pony-brand Gatorade. This lets them fill up three pages. I mean, trains them in dexterity. Which, given they're quadrupedal creatures on wheels, the more confident they can be just moving, the better! Meanwhile, the Elitists eavesdrop on their practice, evaluating their performance, and planning to show up at their next bout to …boo them on? How do you phrase the opposite of cheering~?

To the Elitists' surprise, though, not only do the Brawlers (Sunny's team) win, they do so pretty handily, with great teamwork and also that questionably-legal slime move. Threat level rising! So what can they possibly do? Well, they need to actually afford the derby to enter the derby, right? To that end, they actually try a fairly clever act of sabotage: they steal all the decorations and refreshments. Like, they even steal the stage Pipp was to perform on. I think they even managed to steal the bleachers. Damn, I'd be mad if I wasn't so impressed.

Although initially she wants to scream upon their return, Sunny puts her mind to the problem. She calls on Izzy to use her DM skills to spin a yarn for the arriving guests, inviting them on a mystery party to actually sleuth out their missing fundraiser. While a number of their guests eagerly join in, the Elitists show up and start loudly announcing complaints. Sunny points out that some folks are still having fun even with nothing, and that their team seems to only have fun when they're being mean. Flank the Tank replies that they had fun stealing the supplies, then quickly has to backpedal. Regardless, even in spite of the disaster, Sunny's team earned the money they needed. So this rivalry will be taken care of at the Kenbucky Roller Derby next issue…

Well, I'd say of all the issues in the Roller Derby arc, this one feels the most like filler. Like, don't get me wrong, it's still a fun issue. And it really highlights what Izzy brings to the team in particular as their... consultant? Playmaker? She does the ideas. But really, if you skipped this one, I'm not sure you'd actually lose anything termed vital to the storyline. That's a minor complaint at worst, though! Good issue overall~

[taiblogcomics]

Deconstruction Derby

Hey there, flesh-eating screwworms. It's June now! It's gonna be a pony summer again! At least half of it, anyway. Sounds good to me, though. Should take the edge off, if not the heat.

Here's the cover:

Little montage cover! Just throw everybody's face up there! I bet they all appeared sequentially with a sound effect, like anime used to do. You get all our main characters, including both our main OC for this comic, Tracy Tailspin, and Misty, who's not even working with our other characters this story! Even the Pegasnails get their own panel! Now you can see how they skate! Anyways, a pretty cool cover with vibrant colours that really showcases everypony's personalities pretty good. Although Hitch has, like, way too much chin. It's the only way to make horses masculine, I guess!

All right, so our team has just finished a practice. Tracy tells them to towel off, but Zipp and Pipp are still raring to go. However, Tracy points out that over-practicing is a thing and you can't get better without given recovery time. And as long as she has the whistle, she has final say. They also notice a little firecracker charm she has on her whistle, and she tells them how it's a reminder of her old team. You know, she keeps it around to remember how she fucked everything up and ruined their lives and hers. She literally calls it an albatross around her neck. Oh, that's healthy.

Naturally, now we get a flashback to said old team, the Dazzlebrook Dynamites, and they have some delightfully colourful '80s-style manes. They also have some ridiculous names even for ponies, so I'm assuming these are stage names. Not even in Equestria are you naming your kid "Foal Throttle" or "Sugar³". Anyways, following their ninth consecutive Kenbucky Derby victory, the present team captain (Whinny Streak) takes the opportunity to retire, naming Tracy as her successor. Ah, yes, excellent time to do this. Don't want the yoke of that tenth victory hanging around your neck.

Well, either way, now Tracy sure has a lot to live up to. You'd think dropping from player to coach would give her good insight, but as the montage of eight months of practice progresses, it's made evident Tracy is making some shaky calls. She's "letting her whistle do the talking", as she puts it. Sorry, ma'am, that kind of metaphor's going over my non-sports-playing head. Anyways, despite the shaky coaching and the snazzy arcade-carpet panel borders, the day of the Derby arrives. But Tracy has somehow misplaced the lucky dynamite charm!

After a really dumb joke where Pipp questions the phone cord in the flashback, Tracy gives Whinny a call. Basically, Whinny comes to the conclusion that Tracy's been so wrapped up in her role as coach she hasn't been practicing her own teamwork. Might be a bit late to start… She does apologise to the team, though, and attempts to make it up to them: by running the Derby herself. Naturally, playing as a team of one, she gets knocked out in round one. It does kind of impress the team, though. I guess it worked out!

And the missing charm? It was in her bag, under the skates. Guess she should have taken them out more often! She tries to resign from the team, but they merely talk her down to resigning from leadership, which didn't seem to fit her. She likes teaching, but not leading. They also admit their own fault in the pressure to win a tenth time. Anyways, they're still on good terms, and Tracy herself is still regarded as a skillful legend in the sport. So all in all, Sunny and friends probably couldn't have asked for a better coach.

All right, I get that this is the part of the sports movie where you get the background of your previous fallen athlete, who's either a coach or some other trainer now, who failed to make the big catch or whatever that brought shame to their previous team. And by passing on their knowledge of a particular pass or manouevre, they'll be able to live vicariously through the victory of this underdog rookie team. But, like... doesn't this feel really toned down for that? Tracy's flashback, nobody got hurt, she apologised already in the backstory and was forgiven, no hurt feelings or resentments... Just kind of "Guess you didn't quite fit this role, but we're still your team and we love and forgive you". It just feels inconsistant with the way Tracy portrayed her failures even early in the issue, let alone the previous ones. Like, Tracy doesn't come across as some embittered failure who's trying to recapture glory, she just really does seem like somepony who enjoys teaching without necessarily being in a leadership role. As someone who grew up in the golden age of these kinds of movies, it just strikes me as very odd~

[taiblogcomics]

Dewing Us Dirty

Hey there, ever-changing zeitgeists. Remember our last non-comic review where I mentioned a couple Mountain Dews had blown by us before I even got to find one? Hey, well, guess what I found? One o' thems what I thought I missed! Got nothin' else going on for a Saturday, so why not let's close out the month with a new Dew review~

Dirty Mountain Dew Cream Soda

Okay, so I guess the first question to ask is, why "Dirty"? Like, that's a negative connotation in any other context, right? So it must be a term of some kind, probably a cocktail term? Is this gonna be like when I don't know what makes a beer or cola "draft"? Like, it doesn't look dirty, is what I'm saying. It looks mostly like any basic bottle of Mountain Dew, if slightly more opaque. I guess the label's a bit brown. I dunno if that's enough to count, but I will tell you if I bought a soda and it had bits of grit and debris floating in it, I probably would not drink that soda~

All right, I did a little searchin', and I can tell you two things! First, "dirty" in relation to cocktails (e.g. a martini) involves adding olive juice to it. And I hope to Beelzebub that this isn't the case here! But also, tangentally, "dirty soda" is an existing soda mixed with, like, creamer and flavoured syrups. Sounds like one of those old-fashioned egg creams that was all the rage before even my mom was alive. You know, the Precambrian era. Anyways, from what I can tell, no actual dirt is involved. I guess that's slightly more appetising, all things considered.

All right, I'm probably out of stupid stuff to ramble about, so let's give this one the ol' smell test.

…Okay, well, it definitely has that big hit of the cream soda smell. Personally, I've only ever had orange cream soda, but it smells pretty much like that. (Which makes sense, coz if you don't already know, Mountain Dew is a citrus soda at the end of the day. Just not a very specific one, like orange or lemon would be.) Never had a straight cream soda, but I'm familiar enough with its orange offshoot that I can make some educated guesses about its parents. Side note: do not apply this technique to people. Assuming you know how someone's parents smell can only get you into trouble.

…Yeah, all right. I guess this is drinkable. Definitely not one of the worst sodas we've sampled here (that Flamin' Hot Dew was definitely a dirtier soda, in that it tasted kind of gritty). It does not really taste like an orange cream soda, but it has an adjacent flavour. If I knew what basic cream sodas without additions tasted like, it'd probably be something like this, I expect! But with a vaguely Mountain Dew-y suggestion to it. Probably wouldn't get another one, but I can certainly finish this. Definitely a "try it for the novelty" kind of drink~

(Alternate title for this entry I considered: "Dirty Dews Done Dirt Cheap". But I liked the shorty, punchier one, and it probably wasn't all that cheap. Just wanted you to know what was on the table!)

[taiblogcomics]

Keep It Rollin'

Hey there, Blue Petrichor Demon. You know how it goes. We're finally done a really terrible series, and we need a break. Something easy to read and lighthearted. And I've had some pony comics set aside for this, because once in a while I am capable of planning ahead. In fact, these are going to be the very last pony comics reviewed on this blog! My supplier dried up, and also I think the brand has officially ended, so there probably weren't too many more after this anyway. Let's get into our last visit to Equestria, shall we~?

Here's the cover:

Dang, this is one orange cover, huh? Like, given that Sunny Starscout is on it, that kind of tracks, but this is still very orange. Is it an orange rainboom? Do rainbooms appear in other colours if somepony other than Rainbow Dash performs them? I feel like more science needs to be explored here.Otherwise, very action-cool cover. I also like when they put the side-characters on the cover, so you readers can get a look at them. All the orange lighting is definitely altering the perception of Tracy Tailspin here, though. And those lightning bolts are painted on! My status as "owner of pony OC with facial stripes" remains secure~

All righty, since it's been, like, ten months since we did issue 1, I guess you deserve a recap. Know what Sunny Starscout's always been about? Roller derby. Yeah, no, turns out she used to love skating with her dad. She attempts to sign up for a local team (which her friend Misty is already a part of), but she gets denied. So she and Pipp dig up a retired roller derby coach to help her (the aforementioned Tracy Tailspin), and they put together their own team of ragtag misfits. If you've seen any kids' sports movie from the '90s, you know what this'll be like!

So we open this issue with Sunny assessing her new recruits. There's the chronically allergic Sniffles, whose sneezes keep propelling her in different directions. There's Oopsie Daisy, whose clumsiness borders on natural disaster status. And there's the pegasnails, who are winged snails. I'm not sure they're even sentient. But they're at least relatively fast and low to the groung, which can be a good avantage. There's also, like, four or five of them, so they can fill out most of the team. You can tell we're leaning on the '90s sports movie rules. Ain't no rule says a pegasnail can't play roller derby!

They then spend a two-page splash actually explaining the rules of how roller derby works, which I appreciate. Like, I get a lot of the time, you're probably not going to watch a 26-episode tennis anime or a 90-minute basketball movie unless you already have a vague understanding in the sport. But, like… I learned most of what I know about baseball from reading Peanuts comics. And roller derby's not exactly ubiquitous in culture! Heck, I've been an American all my life, and I still don't have a lick of understanding on how our football works. So I appreciate the gesture of explanation.

Anyways, the rules aren't important, because Sunny's not gonna run an actual game today. It's just some light drills to get them used to the field. Sunny has them pass a ball back and forth while skating. Sniffles does okay, but when she passes to Oopsie Daisy, the clumsy filly somehow ends up on top of the ball and goes smashing through Zipp and the panel borders. Fourth wall damage, dang. While they dust themselves off, Pipp gives Sunny a pep talk. This team might be a bit rough, but they're trying. Just gonna take a bit more work than she expected.

Maybe a lot of work, coz when Sunny and Pipp look up, Sniffles and Oopsie have been lured away by the Elitists. We finally get names for the other two: the smirky blue one is Tina Two-Bits, while the ash-covered Lightning Dust fan-kid is Kiki Kaboom. These sure are some character names. Like, one sounds like a small-time member of the Girl Mafia, while the other is just one of the less-beloved segments on Animaniacs. Anyways, just because they've come up and seduced them away to join their team doesn't mean they're not gonna be benchwarmers until the Kenbucky Derby.

Why, what's the Kenbucky Derby, you ask? Besides the entire pun justifying this miniseries, it's the biggest roller derby event in Equestria. Tina is surprisingly enthusiastic about relaying this backstory. The actual backstory isn't important, and Sunny arrives to point out all its narrative plot holes. Sunny, no, that's my job! What is important is that Sunny and Tina challenge each other to a confrontation at the Kenbucky Derby. Because it's not a sports flick without a rival team that needs putting in their place!

Of course, Sunny no longer even has a team. Like, Sniffles and Oopsie Daisy weren't much, but they were something. While the rest of her friends are shocked at worst, Zipp actually goes off on Sunny over this. Without a team, they can't compete, and who have they even got to be a team? Them?? Her friends?? Her dearest companions?? Why, they'd get absolutely killed out there! And the more Zipp tirades about this, it's pretty clear that she doth be protesting too much, if you get my drift. Even the pegasnails say so (via signboards). I may have underestimated their sentience.

Anyway, yeah. With the snails and Sunny's friends, they have enough to make a team. Now they just need to work their flanks off to get ready. In fact, Pipp has an idea. Most teams do their thing to music, yeah? And who do they happen to have on their team but a popular online musician? Plus, the music will help drown out how bossy Sunny has been today, if not mellow her out. And at least the musical montage only last one page, which is good, coz they never work in comic form. Which is a shame, coz music was such a big part of MLP! Then again, I didn't like any of the songs in G5, so here we are~

The music reinvigorates Sunny, so perhaps it did work as intended. But uh oh, just as she's thinking now they have a chance at the Kenbucky Derby, ol' Tracy (who has been pretty absent from the story 'til now) overhears and goes into a conniption. There's no chance in Equestria of a first-time team being able to even compete, let alone win, and they're probably going to get hurt trying. Tracy storms out, but Sunny gives a determined speech. Like, she's not even aiming to win, she just wants everypony to give it their best go. And of course, all her pals all fall in to agree with her and pledge their very lives.

Next day, Sunny returns to the gym, finding herself locked out. She frets, but who should have the key to let her in but Tracy? Yeah, she's already come back to apologise, even lampshading the whole "look who came crawling back" trope. She blew her stack yesterday because she was worried about how seriously the team was taking it. After all, the Kenbucky Derby is the event that ended her own career. But if these ponies are daring to dream a little, least she can do is help keep them from getting hurt. And she lets them into the gym, which she has completely refurbished into a proper training facility over night~

All righty, now we're really getting into that sports movie cheese. The familiar tropes are all being established. Remember that first issue where I suggested it was odd Sunny was just going with newbies for this team instead of all her established friends? Well, this issue sure corrected that notion! Seems a little odd to give them such setup, though, only to shuffle them off to the enemy a few pages later. I hope their exposure to the Elitists or whatever their team is actually called in the comic doesn't corrupt them! I guess we'll have to see~

[taiblogcomics]

Ethics in Journalism

Hey there, five-ounce falcon. We're here at last! Like, it hasn't been the longest, most agonising series we ever did. But it still sucked, and we'll be glad to see it done! Which will be today! Let's get it done!

Here's the cover:

Like last time, this is a half-decent cover. (Because the other half is all grey title, you see?) So at least we're going out on something decent to look at, if not read. Sally Floyd and Ben Urich yelling at each other, while Iron Man slumps in the middle. Seriously, all of his body language says "I'm so tired…" to me. Oh, Tony, buddy, you are in for it. You will not be free from being tired for years, my dude! It's gonna take amnesia and a full personality reset, and even then, some folks won't forgive ya! What a great series of events, huh? Wanna do it all again in ten years~?

All right, so we're at the end of both this series and the Civil War event as a whole, and all hell's broken loose at this point. Hero pitted against hero. Babies fighting babies. Literal riots in the streets. "Brother My Brother" from Pokémon: The First Movie playing in the background. You get the idea. But anyways, by the time Ben and Sally haul themselves out of the subway, the main event's over and Captain America's surrendered. Oh, it's all over! Can we go home, then? Please?

After a lengthy monologue about the circumstances, including the incredibly stupid comment "If heroes had worked this hard to repair things to begin with, the world would already be a better place" (because I guess superheroes have never stopped to do rescue work or put out fires before now??), Sally and Ben get together to interview someone. Sally's also left the Alternative, same as Ben left the Bugle, since she didn't like being confronted with the reality she's as determined to stick to her viewpoints as J. Jonah Jameson is. So, like, who are they reporting this interview to, then?

So anyway, they're here to interview Captain America. He ain't being held in some shithole like the Negative Zone (further showing how stupid it was to introduce in the first place), he's got a cushy cell at The Raft on Ryker's Island. Sally comments that it's nicer than her apartment. The authorities have given permission to have Cap explain his side, and they're essentially doing a comparison article. They're planning to interview Tony Stark afterwards. Cap asks if they can tell Tony "sorry" from him. Might be too little, too late for that one.

So Cap explains his whole view of the Registration Act. It's basically what you think: He saw the SHRA as an affront to the freedoms of the country and stood against it. His fellow superheroes (Tony Stark, Hank Pym, etc) drew a line in the sand about it, and he had to cross it. He realises now that he could just as easily come to the table as any of his peers, and he's sorry for that. Ben asks if he could maybe have reached that realisation earlier and saved millions in property damage, and Cap yells that he did what he thought was right for America. And the expression on Sally's face… Oh boy, here we go.

So Speedball's transformation into Penance is probably the most infamous dumb thing this comic is known for. But there's a second, equally dumb moment, and we've just reached it. Sally asks Cap if he's ever used MySpace. He doesn't understand the relevance, but she continues. When did he last watch The Simpsons or NASCAR? Does he know who won the last World Series or American Idol? Has he ever watched a stupid video on Youtube? When he's speechless, she concludes "That's right, never." And therefore, he doesn't know what America is anymore.

Okay, like, even putting aside half of these things aren't even things anymore (though inexplicably, The Simpsons still is)… This is just dumb. Like, I'm no rah-rah patriot myself, but I've scarcely done any of those things myself. I dunno if participation in popular culture is proof of citizenship any more than strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is a basis for a system of government. Needless to say, while I think it's largely been forgotten over time compared to the rest of the travesties in this event, this moment was muchly mocked when it came out~

Indeed, Cap accuses her of being simplistic, and she says that she doesn't have the luxury to be complicated when she has to duck into a subway. In fact, she resents having to hide in a subway station in the first place. Oh, the indignity. Would you rather be dead, perhaps? And in case you think my Monty Python and the Holy Grail quote a couple lines up was irrelevant, Sally then literally says "You people set yourself up as some kind of army, but I didn't vote for you!" Do you normally vote for armies, Sally? Or police, or firefighters, or EMTs?

Like, I get that she's saying she wants accountability, but hey, guess what. Superheroes already are held accountable if they step out of line. That's why Captain America got arrested! Anyway, she concludes her dumbass thought by saying "America is no longer about mom and apple pie, but high cholesterol and Paris Hilton. The America I love treats celebrities like royalty and teachers like dirt, but at least I know what it is. What are you gonna do to fix it?" Honestly, I don't know why these have to by opposing viewpoints. Can't you like apple pie and high cholesterol~?

They leave, and Ben comments how that was an interesting strategy, yelling at Cap instead of interviewing him. She replies that now it's an opinion piece. He basically asks that he get to do the talking when they interview Tony Stark in ten days time. And thus, we get a narrated montage of passing those ten days. Sally continues to date Danny the Cop. She and Ben take out a small business loan and start up "frontlines.com" (which I'm not going to bother to see if it ever existed) to house their new independent reporting. I guess it's a subscription service? I don't know how this is profitable otherwise.

Eventually, the time to interview Tony arrives. His office is even nicer than Cap's cell! Ben takes the lead in the interview, as promised. Tony says he has nothing to hide. And then, six pages before the end of this 11-issue storyline, Sally gives a recap of events. Boy, I sure hope nobody except Tony needed this. It's all pretty bad, but the icing on the cake is that Tony has a traitor in his organisation. And, brandishing the paper about the nanites in Green Goblin's system. The Goblin was never out of his control. The traitor is Tony himself.

They lay it all out: genius futurist Tony Stark essentially predicted every turn of the Civil War, and used those predictions to profit off it via the stock market. He leveraged the threat of war with Atlantis against the Registration Act, and correctly guessed that most people would rather side with the pro-regs in that scenario. Support for the act has jumped 30%, in fact! It's a lot more detailed, but you can read it yourself if you want to unpack the whole thing.

Tony won't cop to it and tells them to get out. Ben leaves his card behind in case Tony ever changes his mind and wants to come clean. Until then, they won't print the story. And the last few pages are silent, showing Tony frustratedly throw his Iron Man helmet across his office, then break down in tears while the camera zooms out.

Well, what can I say, really? A stupid-ass tie-in to a crappy event (one that was a whole four issues longer than the actual event miniseries itself, no less) that fucked around for most of its runtime, then dumped all its worst things in the last two isssues. Also a load of continued self-importance! Honestly, I think the worst of it--you know, other than Speedball's character assassination, Sally's dumb comments, and Iron Man's war profiteering--was its combining these into one miniseries. Like, none of these two-and-a-half storylines would have improved at all if they were printed as separate series. But I think combining them, dividing the time between them in a single book made them even more of a chore to read.

Anyway, it's over! I need a breather, and I'm sure you all do too. And you know what that means around here, don't you~?

[taiblogcomics]

Sick Penance, None The Richer

Hey there, fossil records. Well, we're finally here. Oh, not the end of Front Line! There's another issue after this. But we're finally to the part I've been wanting to rant about, the big build-up I've been doing for the whole series. I hope you guys are ready, coz in my opinion, this is one of the big ones. Character assassination and poor writing up there with Spider-Man: One More Day, Heroes in Crisis, Countdown, and the New 52. I really hate how and where this ended up, and we're going to get into it immediately!

Here's the cover:

All right. I will start by doing my absolute damnedest to be fair here. Leaving behind my biases against the story direction and character concept, on a purely artistic level, this is not a bad cover. Showing both past and present versions of Speedball (in both his heroic identity and his present prison-based one) in the background is a cool, thematic way to lead into the new character. And even the gray background compliments the bottom half of the cover. The posing and energy effects look cool! It's not a bad-looking cover!

That. Being. Said.

Like, first of all, way to spoil the reveal of Speedball's new design on the cover. Not even in a fun way! Like, I wouldn't mind it so much if it was an older, fun cover that put splash text on it. Your "The sensational character find of 1940!" or even a "Enter… [character name]!" type. But nah, we gotta stick to our stupid-ass decision to only use half the cover, and our super-serious realistic painted style doesn't allow for text-based whimsy. And of course, I have many more complaints about the character design and concept, but I'll save those for the story proper (or afterward).

Before we even get there, we gotta do Ben and Sally's storyline first. Sally Floyd's meeting with an informant, who turns out to be Carol Danvers. She's still on the pro-reg side, but apparently owed Sally a favour. Carol hands her a printout analysis of Norman Osborn's nanites, when they were activated and by who. Sally is already impressed with this, but Carol goes into a flashback to reveal it's even more serious: it proves there's a traitor in their ranks. When asked who, Carol then admit that Iron Man wouldn't tell them.

Carol flies off, and Sally muses over the information. She comes to a realisation and phones up Ben Urich about it. He's glad to meet with her over it, but says the info he's uncovered about Tony Stark will blow hers out of the water. He's got something to do at the Bugle first, though. He storms into a board meeting, telling J. Jonah Jameson he's got the most insane story ever. But since it's something the Bugle would never publish, he has to resign. Jonah orders everyone except Ben out, then… extends a handshake and wishes Ben luck, if he's that sure of his convictions. They part on good terms.

We get a brief scene of Tony Stark moodily watching the news, which is reporting on what seems to be a potential war with Atlantis brewing, as well as commenting that the Registration Act continues to be controversial, and the Senate criticising Tony Stark's involvement. Tony says nothing, but Reed Richards comes by, not to comfort him, but to "stay the course". Yep, Reed continues to be an inhuman weirdo. (And I don't mean the live-on-the-moon kind of Inhuman either, I might have to specify that in a Marvel review.)

Ben and Sally meet up on a crowded street, but while they try to reveal their respective info to each other, suddenly a fight breaks out. So, in case I haven't mentioned it before, Civil War debuted a new incarnation of the Thunderbolts to hunt down anti-registration offenders. The team consists of criminals like Venom (seen here) held in check with nanites in their blood. It's very much a ripoff of the Suicide Squad concept over at DC, though I don't have a complaint about that specifically. Like, go ahead and rip them off! It's a neat concept, and I think I read and enjoyed some of the Thunderbolts books that came out around this time. Better than some of the Suicide Squad stuff I've reviewed on here, at least~

Anyways, in the ensuing fight, Typeface gets killed. Remember him? I don't know why or how he's here, since last I remember, he was in the Negative Zone prison, but RIP Typeface, I guess. To avoid getting killed themselves, Ben and Sally duck into the subway system. They laugh with relief at how terrified they were, then share their info. Sally hands Ben her info (which has changed from a printout to a newspaper; good job, editors), and he says this basically proves what he was going to tell her anyway. They've come to the same conclusion, and Ben muses he thinks he knows the real reason behind the Civil War.

All right, time for the main event. We open in a Maryland prison, where a "Mr. Stricker" is led to an interrogation room. This is the guy that shot Speedball a few issues ago. He's not being led quietly either, protesting the whole time that Speedball deserved it because his daughter died, that the entire country agrees with him, and he'd go to the gas chamber before recanting. But instead of the gas chamber, instead what's waiting in that room is… Speedball himself, in casual civilian clothes. This might be worse for him.

Stricker is baffled that Speedball can even be here, and Speedball replies that he worked out a deal. He registered, because they want him to be a symbol to convince other unregistered heroes to do the same. He agrees, because he doesn't care one way or the other. His only stipulation for agreeing is that he wanted to look Stricker in the eyes himself and present his terms: Stricker gets to go free. Stricker has a breakdown about this. How are they let the man who murdered his daughter go free? Pretty sure that was Nitro, dude! He pounds on Speedball's chest, causing his blue energy powers to flare up, until he eventually collapses in the fetal position, begging "All I have left is my hate, don't take that from me too."

Speedball is unsympathetic. See, Stricker's bullet left shrapnel that's pressing against his spine, remember? Time will eventually heal Stricker's wounds, but it'll only make Speedball's worse. Usually it's the opposite for emotional vs physical wounds! He walks out on Stricker, declaring that "before long, pain is going to drive everything I do from now on. And because of what happened to those 612 people, it will never be enough." Oh boy, here we go. You can practically hear the Linkin Park soundtrack blaring behind him.

Reed Richards tries to stop him, saying he doesn't want it to go this way. Speedball puts the blame on him too, saying that they should have tried harder to keep his name out of the news. Now everybody blames him ''and'' they might target his family over this. Hmm… Public registration and identity leading to targeting their family, a bullet wound that can't be healed by super-science or magic… This is all sounding pretty familiar! Speedball should be lucky he wasn't married, or he might've gotten Mephisto's attention too~

He shoots more angry, "I'm driven by pain" rants at Reed, then walks off again. He goes to a warehouse, sets up a pile of debris, and burns his old Speedball costume. A portly man in a suit and fedora walks up. Seems he has something for our Mr. Baldwin. He accepts his payment, then opens his suitcase to show Speedball what he's brought: A new super suit. He's made suits for many heroes and villains over the years, and he's always been discreet. And while he finds this one disturbing, he built it to Speedball's specifications. Let's walk through it.

It's made of a bodysuit with some armoured plating. The inside of the suit is lined with spikes. The smaller ones are about a half-inch, while the larger ones act as energy conduits, to channel kinetic energy through the suit. With the number of spikes and their specific positioning, he reasons the suit can only be designed for torture. And whoever it is made for, Speedball must hate them very much. He replies that yes, he does. Because it was made for himself. And he forces the guy to help him dress in his spiky self-torture suit.

If you don't already get it, there are 612 spikes in the suit: one for every person who died in the Stamford disaster. 60 of them are bigger, to represent the children who died. His kinetic powers have changed, giving that fiery blue discharge whenever he feels pain. So he's put himself in a little self-harm torture suit to ensure he always feels pain. The one right next to his heart, he names after Stricker's daughter. As he puts on the helmet, the guy who is really regretting making this suit now finally recognises him. He made one of his Speedball costumes. And the comic ends with our protagonist declaring that Speedball is dead. Robbie Baldwin is dead. Now it's time for Penance.

Sigh.

Yeah. I hate this. This might be some of the worst character assassination I've read. It's bleak and joyless and just so... pointlessly edgy. (Despite quite a lot of points being used in his suit's creation.) Like, this might be the worst to ever do it. Worse than anything the New 52 and the Dark Age of Comics ever came up with. Like, scroll back up to the cover and look at that stupid, spiky red-and-gray costume, think about his "makes energy bursts when he self-harms" power concept, and tell me it's not the most uncomfortable, emo, sick, "I'm 12 and this is deep" idea you've ever heard. It sucks. And to top it all off, there was already a character in the Generation X comic named Penance, and when she reappeared, they had to rename her "Hollow".

Like, honestly, other than the whole scapegoating thing, Speedball was doing fine. Frankly, he was right that the explosion and those people's deaths weren't his fault. Did everyone somehow forget that Nitro existed?? Like, I've read the previous issues! I've shared them with you! I genuinely don't know what flips his switch to go into "Oh, I'm the scum of the earth" mode. It's so stupid. They just wanted this idea so they could put him on their new Thunderbolts team, and they were going to do this to him, no matter how little sense it made.

But there is good news! This did not stick forever. It was around for a bit, yeah, and it sucked. But fans hated it, and even Squirrel Girl made fun of it in a later Deadpool/Great Lakes Avengers story, calling him out on his faux-deepness and angsty persona.

Robbie eventually got therapy during his run with the Thunderbolts and started to forgive himself. His original powers started coming back, and he eventually tracked down Nitro and forced him into the torture costume instead, claiming this was his plan all along. His sense of humour came back, and he took up the name and costume of Speedball again. He even went on to be a teacher in Avengers Academy (you know, the one that then spun off into Avengers Arena and Underground, two more all-time awful comics) to help other troubled teen supers and confront his own self-harm problems.

And that's the big lesson. These stupid decisions, oftentimes they're only temporary. If you can ride it out, maybe something good will come of it in the end. Someday, you'll see the end of it. You just gotta make sure you'll be there for it. Speedball got the help he needed. Almost everything the New 52 tried has been abandoned. Countdown is barely a footnote. Everything that resulted from Heroes in Crisis have been undone. And... maybe someday Spider-Man will get his marriage back. I live in hope! You have to, too~

Anyways, despite this, there's still a single issue of this stupid series left! And can you believe there's another extremely stupid and much-mocked moment we still have yet to cover for next time~?

[taiblogcomics]

It's All Politics

Hey there, passive damage auras. It's May now! Just like I promised. And we're getting near the end of this series! That's pretty excellent. I'm ready for this to be over.

Here's the cover:

Sally Floyd is astonished and surprised by Captain America's manly physique! Maybe she's remembering that one Rob Liefeld image. Maybe she's just intimidated because, given their relative heights here, he must be at least seven or eight feet tall. Anyway, this cover sucks. Like, even among the generally terrible covers (or half-covers, let's be honest) of the entire Civil War event, this cover really stands out to me as so little to talk about. Do the kids still say "nothingburger"? Coz that's what this one is~

So if you remember last time, Sally Floyd got her legendary interview chance with Captain America himself, in a dirty old hobo shack. We open on him not taking chances, as he smartly has Luke Cage and Falcon up on a nearby rooftop, keeping watch on the shack. Sally asks what exactly he wants to convey with his message.Why did he turn on his long-standing allies? Cap replies that it's simple: he basically doesn't see this as the same country that he vowed to protect anymore. It's all just divided into red vs. blue now. In case you somehow forgot this was a political comic~

As you might expect from a guy whose whole backstory is tied up in one, Cap really dislikes the idea of war. He calls it the last resort of the desperate. He's worried the same things he saw lead to World War II are gonna start happening here, an insane idea getting out of hand. Sally remains skeptical. After all, the German forces were just patriots fighting for their side too, right? War isn't about who's right, but who's left, she says. History's written by the winners, and Cap's just trying to tell her he's the better patriot. She walks out on him. Erm, sorry, Sally, but no. I think if one side is avocating for the genocide of another, they're in the wrong regardless, and I don't think that's a controversial stance~

Meanwhile, what's Ben Urich up to? Well, he and Peter Parker are up late into the night trying to hack into Tony Stark's accounting records, in order to prove the claims that Iron Man's motivated by the money. Peter points out that what they're trying is illegal, and Ben replies that when has that ever stopped him? Which, like, this is after Pete has switched sides and gone fugitive from the Registration Act. So he's not wrong. But yeah, long hacking session short, they find proof Tony made a big stock move two days befor the Registration Act was announced. That's insider trading. Damn, Tony, they just busted Martha Stewart for this, like, a year ago.

After her unsatisfying interview, Sally at least fulfills her end of the bargain by going on that date with that cop guy, Danny. Ben's friend, you remember. Fortunately, we don't sit through their whole date, just catching up with them as it ends and they start small talk. The only real info he lets slip is that, after his arrest at the Atlantean delegation last issue, Norman Osborn has been checked for rabies. He does keep foaming at the mouth. Anyway, they part on good terms, except that they don't part at all, as Sally moves in and starts kissing him. Good date, I guess!

Meanwhile, at Avengers Tower, Reed Richards is going over the data, convinced that someone's reprogrammed Osborn's nanites. With rabies, no doubt. He's accompanied by Chen Lu, the Radioactive Man, definitely a guy who doesn't get a lot of mention in pop culture. Carol Danvers, who does get a lot of play in pop culture, drops by to say that the official statement from the Atlantean delegation boils down to "Go away!" Looks like their silly Civil War is about to become a full-blown international incident! Gee, what was Cap just talking about a few pages back~?

Reed has Chen check over the nanite registry in the last month or so, then gets pulled aside by Tony Stark to talk about the traitor. Because it's obvious there's a traitor, right? He starts on a ramble about hoping to smooth things over with Namor if he talks to him directly, and I say good luck. Namor the Submariner is definitely a reasonable guy who's well-known for being easy to talk to and who listens to rational opinions. Anyway, Tony interrupts Reed's ramble to reveal that he already knows who the traitor is. In fact, he's known all along.

Well, that's a cliffhanger for you! Now we move on to Speedball's storyline. My favourite. So right away, we start with a big thing about the Civil War event overall. You remember Prison 42, the one in the Negative Zone? Remember them making a big deal about how necessary it was? (Hint: It was "necessary" because they wanted to make real-world politics comparisons to Guantanamo Bay.) Anyways, we open this comic in the Raft, an already established supervillain prison in the Marvel Universe, just to undermine how necessary it was to build their huge human-rights-violating prison in the insanity dimension.

So to start with, we open on a prisoner transfer at the Raft, where some of the other prisoners note that "their guy" should be coming in, and how one of them's been holding onto something for just such an occasion. As they lead Speedball past, the prisoners start the usual "Baby Killer" routine, one of them spitting on Speedball to get him close enough for the guy in the next cell (all-time D-lister Razor Fist) to grab him and tell the guards to back up. They do, right into the hands of Diamondhead in the opposite cell, who promptly crushes both their heads.

Meanwhile, Justine Hammer uses her smuggled goods to teleport into the guards' control room, kicking the guys manning the console, then releasing the doors. Razor Fist pulls Speedball along to use as a human shield, and Speedball complains that he's hurting him. Razor Fist doesn't care, but he's about to. Suddenly the whole prison lights up. When the guards recover and come in, they find all the prisoners in this wing fried, except for Speedball. He's sitting calmly in his cell, crackling with blue energy, and he announces he's changed his mind. Maybe he'd like to sign up for the Registration Act after all.

All right, over in our Sleeper Cell story, remember those two detectives? They're alone with Osborn, who's absolutely trussed up Hannibal Lecter style, mask and all. Every major organisation is fighting for the custody of Osborn right now, so the way the detectives figure it, they got him all to themselves for a bit while they figure out who gets him. They remove his mask, and Osborn brings up his same defense he's been saying the whole time: "It wasn't me." You might have to elaborate a bit more, Norman, I don't think that'll hold up in court.

So, regardless of that, the detectives have a great point: Atlanteans are pretty resilient. The completely average handgun Osborn used wouldn't have made more than a dent. Unless it was his intent to only make a dent. They continue to needle Osborn, who continues to reply with "I can't say." And perhaps he's right. He literally can't say. Before it can go any further, a silhouetted figure enters the room. Despite their jurisdiction precedent, he brandishes a signed document from the President of the USA himself, and has Osborn escorted away. Osborn recognises who it is and begs the detectives not to let them take him, but it's already too late.

All right, I was correct that last time was our last true "super serious real world parallel" story. Instead, this one takes place in "The Future", where an eldery Nick Fury narrates about his great-grandfather's involvement in World War I, and also his grandpa's in World War II. The long and short of it is, he has their service medals framed outside his infant son's bedroom. He really hopes his son grows up and asks him about them some day, so he can tell him all about their heroism. You can probably do that even if he doesn't ask, my dude!

Yep, you can tell this one's really slouching towards its unpleasant conclusions. The reprieve of slightly almost enjoying last issue is over, everything's headed to terribleness now. Gotta say, though, re-reading this whole series, I'm surprised how much it ended up with all the storylines intertwining. Like, I don't enjoy what was written, but the way it was written is pretty good. The plotting is not terrible, but the plot itself is. Does that make sense? If not, I blame being nine issues deep into a Civil War tie-in~

[taiblogcomics]

Less Hellish Than You'd Expect

Hey there, executable files. 'S been a while since we did one of these, huh? Just haven't seen anything new! Like, I got shown two separate Mountain Dew flavours by two separate friends I definitely would've tried for this, except I couldn't find them out in my neck of the woods. However, the Soda Genies eventually took pity on me and dropped this into my lap this week.

Fanta Crimson Sour Cherry

Well, I can tell you from the start that this image does not match the reality of the soda. The real one is not this lurid, inviting magenta, but actually so dark as to be indistinguishable from the colas. You can see it's a very dark red if you hold it up to a very bright light, but otherwise it looks black. That's kind of unfortunate! I dunno if that counts as false advertising, but it might at least make it harder to spot in stores if you looked it up online first and were trying to match it to its promo pictures. Bit of a soda blind date, I guess!

Anyways, this is some sort of Diablo IV tie-in. From what I understand, they just got a new expansion, which is probably the reason this exists at this particular temporal juncture. I don't know much about the Diablo series, but I understand it takes place in Hell or somesuch. I also don't know who this knight dude on the front is, but I assume the soda is meant to taste like them. Perhaps they're named Crimson. Perhaps the Crimson is just the rust of their armour. I dunno. Is knight a better flavour than motorcycle? I don't know that either.

All right, I might not understand the significance of crimson to the Diablo world, but I do understand sour cherry, so perhaps let's just get into this one~

Yep! It definitely has a dark cherry scent. If you've ever had a cherry soda (and I mean an exclusively cherry soda, not like Cherry Pepsi), it smells like that. Excellent! I'm glad the thing that it advertises itself as being also smells like the thing it's supposed to be. No sour scent, so let's just see if that comes up in the flavour profile…

Well, it is a little sour. A bit more bitter than the usual cherry soda. So if you've had a cherry soda before but didn't like how sweet it was, maybe this one's more your speed! Otherwise, I don't think it's particularly sour. It definitely doesn't have the same bite to it that the Trolli Brite Crawlers one I reviewed a bit ago did. Honestly, I think I've had better cherry sodas. Heck, I've had better Cherry Fanta! I guess the selling point is if you're into Diablo IV. Otherwise, I dunno if I recommend this one. But I don't hate it either, it's just kind of middling. Not worth trying for the novelty, but nothing I'd pour down the sink either~

[taiblogcomics]

A Fish Out of Water Story

Hey there, Crunchwrap Supremes. We're not quite in time to skip to a new month. Maybe come back in a couple days! I guess we'll have to close out April with this instead.

Here's the cover:

Hey, hey, who let these Atlantean assholes be on the cover? Sorry, but the "Sleeper Agent" storyline is our C-plot backup story, and does not deserve cover status. I don't care if they're trying to tie them all together with the connecting tissue of Norman Osborn, it's still a meaningless sub-story in an already bloated two-storylines book. You can't make me care, comic! I just want to complain about the rapid descent and character assassination of Speedball and the stupid things they're going to have Sally Floyd say. This Atlantean bullshit is nothin'!

Hey, speaking of tying it into the storyline, we open with Ben Urich and a policeman friend getting a look at the blown-up warehouse of Atlanteans. SHIELD has removed all the bodies and given them the explanation of "warehouse fire", but Ben's friend doesn't believe this to be a fire. He's got a tip from forensics that one of the recovered devices has a match to a known build of chemical compositions, and it's not one of the Atlantean weapons. It places the Green Goblin at the scene, but it's still unknown why he'd blow up an Atlantean warehouse. He's a supervillain, maybe it was just for the love of the game.

Ben sets his cop friend up on a blind date with Sally Floyd to repay him, then calls Sally to let her know about this. She's rightfully annoyed, but since she's about to meet a contact for her own investigation, she puts it aside. She meets with Jerry, an obese hairy man sitting backwards in his chair. The reason he's sittng backwards isn't to "rap" with us in a cool relatable way, but because he's a mutant, and the nature of his mutation is that he has a second head named Doug growing out of the middle of his back. Doug is her actual contact. God, comic books are cool sometimes~

So Sally's meeting here is actually so Doug can introduce her to a homeless guy named Stevie who hangs out by the docks. Doug vouches that Stevie is good people, and he has some juicy intel. He's heard some stuff about Nick Fury and the Underground, promising to lead her to them if she pays for his hot wings. Pretty good deal! He'll only tell her in a secluded shed some ways away. Pretty bad deal. However, once inside, "Stevie" drops the act and the disguise. Removing his jacket to reveal his iconic costume underneath, Captain America apologises to Sally for the deception and asks that she not mace him.

Ben and his cop friend (his name's Danny, if you care) get some ice cream together. They watch the villain Big Wheel ride by, pursued by police, and Ben drops his ice cream. Danny has some further tips for Ben, particularly that he's heard that Tony Stark and Reed Richards are putting together a group of some serious bad dudes. It's not to get back the President, though, it's to hunt down unregistered superheroes. Osborn was meant to be part of this, but he's gone AWOL with the help of a traitor in their ranks.

Additionally, Stark's company developed the nanobots that are supposed to be keeping track of Osborn. But who hired him to make the nanobots? If it was the government, why isn't the money going back into his company? And how does this tie back to the Atlantean thing? Well, who stands to gain if we piss off Atlantis? The arms manufacturers. Basically he thinks this whole Registration Act thing has been war-profiteering for Tony Stark. If you already didn't hate Tony for this storyline, good news! This tie-in has made him even worse.

Now we head over to our Speedball storyline. SHIELD director Maria Hill is here to recap the previous events: Speedball was shot (by one of the surviving parents of the kids in the Stamford incident) and rushed to a hospital. On the way, some mysterious power flared up, destroying the ambulance, killing the EMTs, and knocking out the other two inhabitants. Now, Speedball is not supposed to have powers. Hence why Maria Hill is interrogating She-Hulk (blinded by the explosion, but otherwise unharmed) about these events. Good recap!

Anyways, Maria Hill is being her usual hardass self, accusing someone of trying to break Speedball out of jail and holding She-Hulk as an accessory for the added counts of involuntary manslaughter she's adding to Speedball's charges. She storms out, only to be met by her assistant, who gives her more bad news. The press is spinning the whole thing as a setup to prevent Speedball from testifying, the man who shot him is being charged with attempted murder (which spins it in anti-registration favour), and remember Speedball's old cellmate Hickey? Apparently he just up and walked out of custody last night. Now that's mysterious.

The assistant peels off to deal with these events, while Maria Hill goes to check on Speedball's treatment. Now, I know Reed Richards is one of those "I do every kind of science" scientists, but I don't think medical doctor is one of his degrees. Nonetheless, he's in charge of Speedball's treatment. He's got two notes. One, the bullet that hit Speedball has fragmented, so there's little bits pressing against his spine. This means treatment will be very difficult and very painful. Two, the trauma is causing some sort of unknown buildup of power, possibly indicating an evolution or mutation of his powers. Reed decribes this as "something wonderful is happening to Robbie Baldwin", because in this series he is a creepy weirdo who does not relate to the hu-man.

Let's wrap this one up by saying Maria Hill is ever her pleasant self, telling Reed to get Speedball back on his feet and conscious, flooding him with as much morphine as they need to do so. She does not care about either his well-being or any scientific discoveries. All she wants is to tell the President tomorrow that "the prisoner" is fine an receiving no special treatment. This will assure the American public that the government is fair even to its enemies. And Speedball will rot in his cell back in Prison 42, just as he chose to do. Look, I know I already used this one during this series, but it stands:

All right, what's going on in this Sleeper Agent plot that's so important that we need to put it on the cover? Well, Wonder Man's out of the picture. He's in the hospital, but it's nowhere near as bad as Speedball's treatment. There's protesters outside the White House, which, like, name a day that ends in Y. Oh yeah, and there's an international delegation coming from Europe, because hey, guess what, we didn't think about how this Superhuman Registration Act would apply to foreign agents. What a fucking surprise that is~

I don't think Atlantis is a part of Europe, but they're sending their own delegation to meet as well, since their spies were recently killed. Apparently the Atlanteans are claiming there was no hostile intent behind their sleeper agents, they were just part of a fact-finding mission. Sure, that's why they had to be completely in disguise even to themselves! They meet with S.H.E., the Super-Heroes of Europe, who are being led by Red Dragon, the world's only Welsh superhero. They also have a brain in a jar translating for them, again because comic books are cool sometimes.

The Atlantean ambassador turns up and the press conference gets underway. A guy from the Daily Bugle raises a good point about how the Atlantean presence is in clear response to Namorita (one of the New Warriors involved in the Stamford incident and Namor's cousin) getting killed, but he's interrupted when suddenly Norman Osborn appears, asks "how fast can a fish move on land?", and pulls out a handgun. He shoots the ambassador in the shoulder, and is subdued by the European superheroes. As the Atlanteans retreat underwater, Osborn collapses to his knees, claiming that he didn't do it.

All right, let's wrap this one up with our usual "take us seriously" war post. It might be our last one, too! This one goes all the way back to the English Civil War of 1642, comparing the Royalists and Parliamentarians with the pro- and anti-registration sides, accompanied by "Into Battle" by Julian Grenfell. In particular, it's a punch-up between Falcon and Carol Danvers, so their aerial battle adds to the supposed legend that you can see the battle replay in the sky above the battlefield on the battle's anniversary. I dunno much about English history, it's just what the comic book is telling me~

Honestly, I have relatively little to complain about with this one. I know, I'm surprised too! Maybe it's a little break, before the really terrible things start kicking in. And let's be fair, the stuff leading into Iron Man's war-profiteering is certainly pretty awful. But it's, like, only the third worst thing in this storyline, and I'm happy to not be apoplectically furious on this nice spring afternoon. I'm taking the easy one out today~

[taiblogcomics]

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Hey there, squirrel form. We're well deep in the Front Lines now, eh? We can get through it! We might even finish by summer! I think that'd be cool. And it'd be nice to have something cool for summer, y'know~?

Here's the cover:

All right, I can't fault this one, coz Speedball did wear his costume in the comic when he got shot. He's still bald, though, so the cover is still wrong. Also, it took me a moment to realise that was his mask in the left corner there. I was like "Why does Speedball have two of the Dragon Balls with him?" Anyways, I know they can't put outright gore on the front cover, but it does look like Speedball wasn't so much shot as he was in a terrible raspberry jam accident. Smeared it all over his torso. The painted style of the cover doesn't help either~

Interestingly, we start this one with a little more crossover. Ben Urich's gone out to cover Speedball's Congressional trial, and he's not thrilled. Robbie Robertson calls Ben and tells him to come back to the Bugle. The Green Goblin story is gaining traction, and Jonah's going to be livid when he comes back from a celebrity golf match. Ben's looking for a reason to bail, it's just gonna be a show trial anyway. That is, until someone pushes past Ben and shoots Speedball. Ben swears it wasn't him~

Hard to say how Ben's day is going, but it's probably better than Sally Floyd's. She's still being detained by SHIELD. Despite her sharp wit, it's getting to her a bit. So it doesn't help that her next visitor is a US Congressman. Sykes here is here with that deal from Reed Richards (though he doesn't mention him). He hands her an envelope, asking her not to open it until he says to. The pair of them start arguing the Superhuman Registration Act, with Sykes revealing he was a POW in Vietnam where he was forbidden to speak. So now he's going to speak his mind whenever he can.

See, here's how he figures it: Ms. Floyd doesn't really have a problem with the Act itself. What she's disagreeing with is the implementation. And just in case you're thinking he's cool, he says she can't admit how hard he works because she would have no one to complain to otherwise. She accuses him of this all being a trick, and he tells her to open the envelope. Inside is a paper reading "YOU WILL ACCUSE ME OF TRYING TO TRICK YOU". Who's predictable now, Sally? And she's stewing, because A) he'll never budge from admitting that the Act is preventative, not conspiracy. And worse, she thinks he's right.

And while that's going down, over in New Jersey, Norman Osborn is having a meeting in his office. Yeah, Ben's very much correct: he's not in jail. The guy he's meeting with is kept in shadow the whole time. He's reinstated Osborn to a position of power, and has even provided a nanite serum that obscures the fact that Osborn isn't in prison right now. He's brought another serum for Osborn, and I bet you can guess what that one is. Osborn asks his mystery man how he's so sure his plan will work, and the guy replies it's because they'll never see it coming. Betrayed by the one man they never expected.

Never mind that ominous portent, though. Instead, Speedball's been shot on the steps of the Capitol building. They must've gotten the same complaints I made last time, because Speedball's composing another letter to his mother to form our narration captions, but it's not in cursive this time. That's a victory! The paramedics manage to arrive and load Speedball into an ambulance in record time, despite everything else going on around them. For her part, She-Hulk stays with him the whole time, because her heart's as big as her muscles. (It has to be to pump her blood efficiently!)

Speedball slips into a flashback, and if you remember a little running gag we used to have on this blog, I would joke how flashbacks are tinged purple. Well, these ones are tinged yellow. Been pissing your flashbacks, Speedball? He reminisces on how he got his powers (maybe a little regretfully), and how he formed the New Warriors with his friends. And then this slips right into another flashback: Hey, what if we started a TV show? And of course, that leads right into the memories of Nitro in that fateful fight at Stamford, and the big explosion he did.

The memories of the explosion seem to trigger something in Speedball, because all of a sudden, all the equipment in the ambulance also start sparking with blue energy. She-Hulk tells the driver to speed it up, then leans in towards Speedball, who's trying to admit something in his daze. It's basically his confession. He can never admit that Stamford is his fault… because then it means admitting his friends are dead. And man, doesn't that just hit home. Everyone who's mad at him for the loved ones they lost? He lost his loved ones too.

Well, on that somber note, what're we doing in the storyline we care least about? Whatever was going on last time, well, now that warehouse is a pile of rubble, and there's a load of dead or unconscious Atlanteans in the wreck. Those two detectives are here again, inspecting the crime scene. They even ID their guy Joe. Also in the wreck is Wonder Man, and he's still alive, at least. He's only able to revive long enough for a very short flashback, and not even yellow-tinted. Long and short, he called for backup. Whether they arrived or not is tough to say, because who did turn up and blow the place sky high was our friend the Green Goblin.

All right, so what's going to be our heavy-handed real-war comparison this issue? This one surprisingly continues the flashback (still not yellow), using a few lines of an A.E. Housman poem alongside the carnage of the Green Goblin attacking the warehouse to compare it with the lives lost during the Somme offensive. I don't think I've mentioned it yet, but I'm obviously not a history buff. In fact, it was my worst subject after math and gym. But every issue has had a lengthy paragraph explaining not only the significance of the event, but also the writing they've chosen, just so you really grasp the deep meanings they've put into their superhero comic.

Well. All right. I've made it no secret I don't like this storyline, and I don't even like Civil War in general. And I especially don't like what they do with his character after this issue. But this part right here, where Speedball's just a scared teenager in pain who hasn't even had the opportunity to mourn his friends? That hit me a little. That got to me. It'll make what I know is coming suck all the more, but that moment was well written, I will give credit where it was due.

I think I mentioned during the Avengers Arena reviews that when Juston died, rather than hate-read more of that series, I went out and picked up the Sentinel digests that his original story came from. I did the same thing here. At a con some years back, I found a big hardback copy of the Marvel Omnibus for The New Warriors for only $15. It might be the thickest and heaviest book in my entire collection! I got it specifically because I hated what they did to Speedball in this story (and keep in mind, this would've been, like, ten years later, too), and wanted to read him in his prime. I dunno if I have a point here, but, like... keep your scales balanced, I guess. Especially if you have a really huge and heavy omnibus~

[taiblogcomics]

Out With a Bang

Hey there, bark censors. We're on issue 6 of 11, so I daresay we're about halfway through this one! In fact, since the comic is broken into two storylines (we don't count "Sleeper Agent"), there's actually an exact halfway point! Like, maybe not by pagecount, but it's the vibes. Vibes are important, and they have been rancid lately.

Here's the cover:

You know, on reflection, I'm glad we still get to see the real Speedball on the covers, since the bruised, depowered, bald man in the comics barely resembles him anymore. Like, honestly, I only keep calling him Speedball because it makes it very clear who I mean. I just don't want to have to remind you his real name is Robbie Baldwin every issue, and also Robbie Robertson from the Daily Bugle appears in the other half of the story. Confusing! So he's Speedball. Anyways, Speedball seems very confused by these protesters using A4-size paper for their signs.

Anyways, we open with Ben Urich packing up after his firing last issue, while his co-worker comments on how he shoul register a superhero identity with the government, just coz it would beat covering the Jets over and over. If I ever cover Avengers: The Initiative, I'll show you how wrong you are about that, my dude. He says this while watching another costumed guy get arrested outside, and his costume is so generic and the image so far away, you could be forgiven for thiking it was a generic character, but it's actually an extremely obscure guy named Captain Rectitude, who actually has never appeared since~

Anyway, Robbie (not Speedball) tells Ben to hold up on being fired. It's, what, the 15th time Jonah's threatened that? Ben replies it's the 23rd. He's never actually been fired, but you could say the charm has worn off a bit. It's not just that the story is important to him, his family is literally being threatened. Robbie makes him a deal: He'll let Ben run the story and back him up if Jonah complains, as long as Ben remains staunch in his convictions if the Osborn thing comes up again. There's a pause for hesitancy, then Ben relents and returns to his desk. Good deal, frankly.

Now, can Sally Floyd get out of her bad cliffhanger so easily? Doesn't seem like it's going great for her. She's in one of those interrogation rooms with the big mirror you know is one-way glass. Despite this, she's in good spirits, refusing to give the interrogators anything until she's been formally charged with something. She actually manages to annoy Agent Marshall enough that he comes out to talk to her personally. As she keeps up her snark, we switch perspectives to see who else is behind the mirror: Mister Fantastic, who tells Marshall to offer her a deal. I'm detecting a theme in today's issue.

So, to get his mind off Osborn, Robbie gives Ben an assignment: hey, go check out one of the worst parts of the main Civil War story. It's the part where Yellowjacket (Hank Pym) fights Goliath (Bill Foster). And then the clone of Thor comes in and murders Goliath. Yeah, this rant should probably be saved for the main series review, if we ever do that, but one of the few actual casualties of Civil War was a black guy. Because of course it was. Anyways, Ben and his cameraman are just as shocked as the readers were. Iron Man shows up to answer questions after, but Ben starts pressing him on whether his current authority extends to known criminals like the Green Goblin. Iron Man clams up and ends the interview, which says it all, really.

All right, here's our halfway point. My very first complaint with the Speedball story today is that we start with his narrative captions in cursive. It's because he's writing a letter to his mom (the one who abandoned him a couple issues ago), but that doesn't ease my ability to read it, now does it? It's in the style of a kid writing home from camp for funsies. You know, so that it really eases you into the reveal that Speedball's cellmate used his tech-shifting powers to take his own life the day previously. You know, just to let you know how much you'll enjoy this right away.

Anyway, since we didn't get much time with ol' Reed Richards in Sally's story, we instead have the guards truss Speedball up Hannibal Lecter-style and "escort" him to a private room with Mister Fantastic. Speedball greets him by that name with all the sarcasm quotes it deserves. Reed is trying to play it friendly, but Speedball isn't having it. Honestly, "I have a lot of friends in here, and I'd like to improve their situation" followed by Speedball's retort of "Then leave" is absolutely savage. Devastating, even.

Coz, you see, while Reed might be the first guy who's saying the Stamford incident wasn't Speedball's fault, it was him and his pals Iron Man and Yellowjacket who put this whole situation together, including this hellhole prison. So Speedball isn't inclined to be charitable. Reed wants to hear about the boxing match where Speedball's powers flared up, and Speedball tells him to go to hell. Reed shoots his final shot: he's got an in for Speedball at the US Capitol the next day, to hear his side of the story. This is all Speedball ever wanted, so he agrees.

Sure enough, next day, he arrives in the Capitol with his lawyer, She-Hulk. He's dressed in an old costume, which She-Hulk points out is going to make people mad. He shrugs. They're out there with signs like "BURN THE BABY KILLER" because they think his actions killed 60 kids. How much madder can they get? Unfortunately, he's about to find out, because the Secret Service who show up to escort him actually lead him into a side alley, where he gets shot. And just to hammer this point home, the panel is a full-page splash that's a re-creation of the famous photo of Lee Harvey Oswald being shot, down to the expression on Speedball's face.

Well, let's lower ourselves from that into the dumb Atlantean sleeper agent plot. After two pages of our blue boy Joe hanging out with jellyfish (near the New York docks?), he hauls himself out of the water and begins walking around. Wonder Man has eyes on him and reports in on his wrist communicator. Remember when wrist communicators were cool and not Apple Watches? Joe leads him to a warehouse off Pier 83, and when Wonder Man gets a look inside, he calls for backup. The place is full of Atlanteans, and they've got weapons and are clearly plotting some sort of strike.

And of course, we can't conclude this issue without the heavy-handed war parallels, because the literal Lee Harvey Oswald photo wasn't enough. Anyways, today's uses a poem by John G. Magee titled "High Flight", which is two pages of side-by-side panels comparing the aerial conflicts of the pro-registration heroes with the Battle of Britain. In particular, Nighthawk is seen fighting here until he's struck by clone-Thor's lightning during the same fight that killed Goliath. And despite this, according to his wiki page, he ends up defecting and joining Iron Man's side after that. Yeah, your guess is good as mine.

Hey, what a surprise that the halfway point is when things really start going downhill. At least you can sort of get a timeline from this, since Goliath's death took place in Civil War #4. But it also is confusing, coz is Reed Richards watching Sally's interrogation on the same day as he's meeting Speedball? Got your fingers in a lot of pies there, eh, Reed? Don't you think you're stretching yourself a bit thin?

Oh, shut up. Let me have this. It's the only joy I can possibly wring out of this thing~