I’ve been trying to type something out, but I’m having difficulty. I just sound so pathetic every single time, but I’m not sure what else to do
I guess what I want to say is that, if you interact with art in any way shape or form where you have the ability to say something whether the artist sees it or not, please say it
I’m struggling a lot lately, and the fundamental issue I have with my purpose and motivation to create is really making me crumble. my debilitating violent self loathing affects everything I do, but especially art. it’s a very direct connection to who I am and what I can do, my skills, my values, etc. I’m struggling to bear my art, the process, the final product, whatever. it’s all just so unbearable, so unimpressive, so uninspired, so ugly, so nothing. I feel nothing looking at my art except for loathing. I’m really struggling
I can’t emphasise how huge the impact of lack of engagement has had on this feeling. I cannot bear playing to an empty room, I can’t stand it. I can’t stand posting anything and all the fucking empty likes I get. no comments, no tags, no comments from anyone who isn’t one or two maximum dear friends or someone who barely says anything they actually like about the art that isn’t something superficial
I don’t care about posting anymore. I don’t look at notifications. I see the numbers but they’re always empty. I really feel crazy, and at a loss
I can’t bear my own art, I can’t bear myself nor anything I create, I believe I have no artistic value nor do I have anything worth saying. I create with no purpose, I create ugly images that make me feel nothing and that mean nothing and that, as far as I can tell, has no impact on anyone nor means anything to anyone
whenever I engage with art that connects with me, I leave these long sentimental comments that are humiliating to post, but I want to leave comments I’d be thrilled to see on my own work. when you’re screaming to an empty room for so, so, so long, that loathing you feel for yourself feels universal. I hate everything I create, I believe it’s hideous and purposeless and meaningless, no one else has told me otherwise. no one who isn’t my friend, or someone who I believe is forced to say something nice
I remember these tags I got years ago from something I drew, it was someone expressing how it made them feel, and later, they reblogged it again and spoke about coming back to it. I remember that still, it’s so precious to me. that doesn’t happen anymore
I just feel nothing, I feel like stone. I am just consumed by loathing. if I cannot make anything as meaningful to anyone else as my favourite things are to me, then I don’t know what the point of anything is. if I can’t make something even bearable to look at for me, how can I believe that anyone else could feel differently if no one is telling me
I’m at a loss, really. if anyone is reading this, if you have the opportunity to say something about a piece of art you love, say it, please. say it in as much excruciating detail as you possibly can. the artist will remember it. you don’t know how important it can be
