You Know What I Mean?

id rather follow my brain but my heart is too stubborn. maneuvering through problems like no one is reading any of this.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

i’m still learning how to trust people. how to trust myself.

i’ve had so many people tell me they love me just to leave. tell me they’re fine when they are annoyed.

and i never learned to trust myself. always told i shouldn’t feel the way i feel, that im wrong and my desires are wrong.

i feel like that’s what strengthens my depression. it’s given it so much fuel. so the only antidote is some form of radical forgiveness and acceptance. but fuck. it’s so hard.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

i took 2 days off weed,

and decided life is more tolerable with it.

[perrfectly]

[vanish-cherry-deactivated202509]

[talkingtomyselfblog]

im in an unsettlingly bland room. there are doors and windows all over. i’ve been through seemingly every way out, but i still appear back in this unsettlingly bland room.

i don’t think there’s a way out anymore. just acceptance of this bland, boring, nothingness.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

i start my new job on friday.

it feels like walking into a new dimension. i’m leaving so much behind to start a completely new life.

i’m surprising myself with how much i was able to do these last two days. i did all my chores, i went for a run today. idk, something came back to me after leaving that last job. it’s a bit of a relief.

at the same time, i’m really accepting all my issues for the first time. i have chronic depression, anxiety, adhd, autism, and i have an addition to weed, nicotine, and have a sensory seeking problem that’s really hard for me to control sometimes. i want to go to an inpatient program but im about to start working full time again.

there is a bit of a relief with this new perspective on my life. but it is depressing. hard to live with now that i’m looking at it head on.

the fog has lifted but what i see is still dark.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

hi

i’m drunk with my friend. i love her. she’s really so good to me. i hope i’m good to her.

i just don’t know for sure since i have a history of friends not telling me when im being annoying.

anyway hi i’m in a mood! ❤️❤️❤️

[talkingtomyselfblog]

wow. hi again.

it’s 2026. i think i made this account in 2017.

i reread a lot of what i wrote.

and i’m so sad to say i still feel aligned with so much that was written.

i wanted to make an account so i can vent on. write on without thought. exactly the same reason i made it almost 10 years ago.

so much has changed. i’m a lesbian. a shaved my head. i moved to my first solo apartment. i got a new job. i found out i have adhd and maybe autism.

but i’m also still depressed. still feel alone. still struggle so intensely with friendship.

i’m in a really intense state of depression right now actually. i’ll get into it later.

just thought i’d break the ice with this post.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

my way of coming out is posting playlists on my insta story so people can see i listen to girl in red.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

when i’m alone, i drown in my own self pity and hatred. i convince myself i’m not worthy of real and healthy relationships cause i’m fat, ugly and annoying. the people i’m in close proximity to give me the satisfaction of human company, but nothing more. i don’t feel like i can trust them with my self, i don’t feel like i can be vulnerable. so here i am. alone in my apartment, struggling to find motivation to leave my doors to potentially meet other people.

and i am myself when in the company of others. my color and light is dim when i’m alone. it’s such a toxic cycle i’ve put myself in. i thrived in school because i was forced to be in the company of others all the time. yeah, i’d be around assholes every so often, but the few magical moments helped me ignore the bad. and now, the world feels diluted. who am i? where are my people?

[talkingtomyselfblog]

okay okay okay, i see how bad my negative self talk is. its just so easy to tear myself apart. im so far from where i think “ideal” is. i feel like i should be better. its so easy for me to list out all of my imperfections. 

uhhhghgghhh

[talkingtomyselfblog]

starting off 2020 alone and hungover, hooray. honestly, whats new. the hangover isnt too bad. but im sure the alcohol has something to do with me feeling like a fat ugly worthless piece of shit today. 

i dont feel like i have anyone i feel comfortable spending my time with today. do i truly base my friends on proximity?

god, reading this, im pathetic.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

i want to feel home. that feeling of safety and comfort. that feeling of being loved, so unconditionally.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

i’m in denial about it but the answer to many of my problems is to just go sober.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

i’m angry but don’t know if i have a right to be. you bought me so many drinks. then i black out and we make out and you let it all happen. i mean, i did too i guess, but that wasn’t me. i wasn’t there. it was not consensual. and im not so much mad at myself. i’m mad at you. you knew my relationship with alcohol. but you bought me so many drinks. and it feels wrong to be mad at you cause i should take responsibility. i was drunk. you were drunk. and that led me to yet another non consensual sexual experience that leaves me feeling vulnerable and violated. i feel disgusted when i look at you. i didn’t want you. i don’t want you.

i don’t trust any of my “friends” anymore. none of them deserve it. i’m not safe. i don’t like this. i don’t think i’ve ever had a friend who helped me have a safe and fun experience with alcohol.

i guess i should blame the alcohol. but i’m also mad at you.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

i’m starting to see that the person i vent to matters more than just the act of venting.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

idk why i even want you to reach out. i dont know what id want after that. what am i looking for with you? do i love you? do i want to be friends? do i want you in my life? do i miss you? fuck. i think i miss you. or do i miss the feeling?