Hello, Angel.

On April 27,2015, I lost my best friend. This is my way of coping with this loss.

[hxtlineplug]

[talkingwithchris]

You Fucker.

I knew that this month would always be a bith to get through. i knew that the pain of losing you, while eased by time, would never become non-existant. so now it is four in the morning. i have to be up in five hours for my chiropractor appointment. and i was just sobbing in the middle of the living room on the floor while listening to Sam Smith because i like to truley rub salt into the would that is the gaping whole that you left in my heart. Five years. FIVE YEARS. Its been five years since youve left this earth. And i still cant go one day without thinking of yuo. Of wondering what you would make of the whorld today. Of who you would have been and who i would have been with you. Would we have made it? Would you have been the one i bought a house with? WOuld we have gotten married? Cause lets be honest, at least to me, I have never felt more complete than when i first kissed you in the gangster booth at MP that night .When people talk about meeting their significant other and their lips meet and its almost like your everything is saying to their everything “Oh. There you are. Ive been looking for you.” Thats how i felt with you. You made me feel alive. Adventurous. Happy. And now you arent here and ive been trying to figure everything out on my own because i still dont know how to talk to people about the thoughts in my head. I think i need to go to therapy and that scares me more than anything. BUt my thoughts are manifesting bad things in my body. I struggle to find my breath and that is so terrfiying to me. But im more scared of an inhaler than i am a dab pen. What is wrong with me? I wish i could sit with you for one more night. I just want to sit next to you ad kiss your head and talk to you. Im starting to shake again which means im gonna start panicking again. 

I love you. I love you always and forever. And dont forget...

smell my nose. <3

[talkingwithchris]

I’ve carried a lot of hate in my heart. A lot of mistrust. A lot of stress and wounds and cuts and bruises to my ego and who I am as a human. And I haven’t allowed any healing. So I feel like my spirit... my essence is suffocating. And I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to be free. I want to soar. To kick down all the doors I have. To use all the bandaides. All the antiseptic spray. The ibuprofen, heating compresses, bubble baths, face masks and manicures. To unsuffocate myself.

Here is to forgiveness. Here is to healing. To acceptance that though I may never be healed, that I will be better than I am today. That I find my way back to the path that I started to tredge before I lost you. There is strength in our weaknesses and you always believed in me. You knew I was worthy.

I think of you daily and I’ll love you forever. Thank you for going to my sister. Thank you for telling her that your happy for Jay and I about the house. I needed to hear that. You own a part of my heart.

🧡🖤🧡

[princesconsuela]

“Went to the store, sat on Santa’s lap. Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. He said all you need is to write them a song. Now, you haven’t heard it yet, so don’t try to sing along. No, don’t sing along.”

[chandlerbings]

[talkingwithchris]

I ridiculously high and my body is buzzing in all the right ways. I just want to be touched. Gentle touches. Rougher touches. Fingertips and tongue and teeth. Breath taking touches. Fingers deep touches.

[talkingwithchris]

I don't ask for much. But I just want him to help me. To look at me. To see how much I'm hurting. He saw my eyes were red tonight and thought that I was high. He did not see that it was from tears. From the pain and the feelings that I can't help right now. I want him to help me not spiral out of control. Because I am spiraling. And I can't fix it. I can't help myself and I can't make it better.

My sister said that she wishes something bad would happen to her so that I wouldn't have to endure another thing. I wish that everything would happen to me so that she can have a happy life. I don't know if I will ever be truly and genuinely happy. I don't know if there will be a day where I have actual hopes and dreams for myself. Right now I am just existing and overworking myself because I don't know what else to do and how else to handle myself.

I'm at an all time low for the year. And I know I say this almost every post. But I wish you were here. I wish you were here to help me. Because you saw me. You saw through my fake shit. And while you never pushed me to talk about it, you comforted me. You were there. You stayed home even when baseball was on so that I wouldn't be alone all the time.

I do so much for others and no one ever reciprocates. Jay doesn't even. I come out to bars to see him even when I just want to stay home. I push aside things I should probably do to spend time with him. And he won't even bother with anything I want to do if there is sports on. I'm not a priority. As much as he says I am. I don't think I ever will be number one. Sports and money will always beat me out. Will beat me down and shove me in a whole and make me feel unworthy.

But hey. I have a salt lamp.

[talkingwithchris]

I think I have some form of depression. And I'm getting bad again. And I haven't seen jay in a week and have maybe talked to him for an hour combined all week.

I wish you were here. Sam Smith released his new song. You would love it. I could see us listening to it over and over while smoking a bowl and cuddling on a couch. But it's just a dream. And you are but a fantasy.

I'm alone, my dear.

My heart is empty.

[talkingwithchris]

Today is one of those days where I don't want to get out of bed. My drive to do anything is shot and I have work in an hour and a half.

[talkingwithchris]

Dear Best friend

I haven't talked to jay in two days. Griffin is going to die if he doesn't get a liver transplant. Hannah is potentially going to fuck up jordan and Natalie's relationship. My mom had a hysterectomy and she's having good and bad days. My dad sucks. I'm 23 and have no idea what I'm doing. I don't think I actually have friends I feel like Jade wants nothing to do with me. Jamie and Anthony can go fuck themselves. I think Zack was only my friend to see if I would ever have feelings for him. He has a girlfriend now and he blew me off on my birthday and I haven't talked to him since. I'm feeling very alone. And the only reason any of us are even friends is because of you. If you hadn't have died, I don't think any of us would really be a family. Or maybe things would be different because you would actually be here. Did you send the rain to me just then? I'm lost baby. I'm lost and I'm scared and I don't know who to talk to any more. I don't think I've ever felt this alone. I'm sorry.

[earth]

[earth]

[talkingwithchris]

Hey Best Friend,

I miss you. We are a month out from it being two years of you being taken from this world. My heart is starting to hurt again and my world is closing in. I knew it would never be easy, but I didn't expect it to still hurt like it does. I just wanted to tell you that I love you. I still think of you every day. Muah love.

[vangoghcean]

there’s just something better about sitting on the kitchen counter I can’t explain it

[thelovejournals]

Come back! Even as a shadow, even as a dream.

Euripides, Herakles (via thelovejournals)

[yaushie]

as much as i love the trope of a character falling fast and hard for someone, i also love the subtle decent where they don’t really think about it; where that person is just kind of there until one day they realize that person is so ingrained in their lives and they cannot do without them. where there is no conscious effort on either ends to become romantically involved but somehow the thought of them being with someone else is disconcerting. where “i enjoy being with you” unwittingly turns into “i want to be with you”

[talkingwithchris]

Dear best friend,

I haven't talked to you in a while and I apologize. It's all been too much and I've been too much and I haven't known how to process it. Anthony kissed me. I feel like I'm going to get fired. Jade had acknowledged she was put in my life because of you without me mentioning my conversation with you when she first entered. I'm unsure about jay. My dad had a stroke. My mom is the strongest woman I know. And I'm a disaster. I don't have anyone I can truly talk to. Because I want to talk to someone about you but Jade didn't know you so she doesn't understand and everyone else knew you and it's like they blame me for bringing them down with my feelings and memories. So I'm stuck here in limbo trying to make it day by day without bashing my head against a wall. And almost everywhere I go I have a memory of you but going to your grave doesn't help. Because while that is where your ashes are, I do not feel like that is where you are. And Jordan and Natalie are engaged even though Jordan things Natalie is cheating on him with Anthony and heather and griffin are engaged but heather is only in it to save griffys life and here I am not able to commit to jay because I miss you everyday of my life and you were supposed to be the one o end up with. I really feel like I was supposed to be with you for the rest of my life. I was supposed to marry you and have little breezies with you. And it really hurts that you chose heroin over me. I told you to call me and you didn't and you did it without me being there for you. If I hadn't been drunk I would have been there and you wouldn't have died. And I have never said it before but now I have and my heart hurts and you aren't here to put it together with a bowl and some tv show that we can binge watch over Chinese or a home cooked dinner. I miss you and think of you every day. I havent had a dream of you in the longest time and I long for it. I long for you to tell me that you miss me and love me and miss me because that's what I need to hear from you.