So This Is It..
I have read many blogs over the years that have abruptly ended. No goodbye, no explanation as to why they had decided to stop writing. And I always told myself that if I were to ever stop writing this blog I’d write a farewell post. Unfortunately, this is it, and here is why (this is going to be a long post, be forewarned).
Shortly after having my baby I would notice odd flashes of light in my peripheral vision when I would be putting him to bed at night. I’d mentally tell myself to call the eye doctor the next morning, but in my world of diaper changes, school bus runs, making dinners, cleaning house and trying to squeeze five minutes to myself, it was easy to forget to make that phone call. Then one day mid-December, a dark curtain descended in the vision of my left eye. I panicked and immediately called the doctor. It wasn’t good news. I had a detached retina, and apparently had had one for quite a while – with those flashes being the only sign. I was scheduled for surgery the next day; however, the expectation was my vision would never be quite the same (not that it was ever that great to begin with).
Being awake for eye surgery was not the most pleasant experience I’ve ever had but it was the recovery that was the hardest part. I had to spend ten days in a “head hanging” position while a gas bubble that they had inserted into my eye braced the tear that had caused the detachment so it could heal. Basically, I had to lay on my stomach on a massage table with my head hanging over the edge so the top of my head was parallel to the floor. I was only allowed up to eat and shower, and five minutes every hour to stretch. I used that time to hold my baby who was four months old at that time (I wasn’t even allowed to pick him up myself, someone had to place him in my arms). Obviously, I was unable to take care of my children for my upside-down time so J had to take off that time. On Boxing Day I was allowed to sit up again (Yes, I had to spend Christmas upside down) and J could return back to work. We had used up most of our savings/emergency fund to cover him time off but we had survived it.
Then, since life sometimes kicks you when you’re down, J was laid off. That wiped out the rest of our savings and credit cards came to the rescue. Now J has finally gone back to work and we finally have money in the bank again but my perspective has undergone a vast change.
After two months waiting for the gas bubble in my eye to dissipate, I am finally able to see (no pun intended) how much vision I’ve retained. I have several blind spots that my doctor says are unlikely to regain their vision. I am learning to live with these missing spots, but it is a struggle. Unfortunately, having one retinal detachment puts me at a much higher risk for a second, so I’ve always got that fear hanging over me. When J went back to work and I was faced with the prospect of rebuilding the emergency fund and buckling down on the debt again I instantly felt exhausted. We’re still renovating, raising two kids and I’m dealing with the mental aspect of living with this vision loss and the fear of experiencing everything I just went through all over again one day. The thought of going back to living with only $100 a month for fun while I throw everything I have towards paying for the mistakes of my past fills me with dread. Yes, doing so is the responsible thing to do. It’s the grown-up thing to do. But when I think about all the things I want to do, all the things I want to experience with my children, while I still have the vision to see and do those things, my heart knows that paying off the debt isn’t as important to me as those things. So, it may be irresponsible. It may be ignoring my priorities. But at this point, for my mental health, and for my family’s happiness, “my path to the black” (as I’ve affectionately called my life in the red) is going to be a tad bit longer than I had originally hoped.
Having said that, all these debts hanging over us isn’t ideal either. Thankfully, there is an “easy” way out. The city where we live is undergoing a boom in the housing market, with prices soaring higher and higher every month. Coincidentally, our mortgage is up for renewal in a couple months. So, the plan is to take the equity out of our house and pay off the vast majority of our debt (yes I know we are merely moving the debt, but having one payment a month rather than countless higher interest payments is a lot less stressful). Until that point, minimum payments will rule the roost while our saving are rebuilt and our lives can be lived. I feel very fortunate to have this opportunity, and while it hasn’t happened yet I’m hoping there are no issues with our plan. Career wise, I never planned on returning to work when my maternity leave is up. I had intended on starting a home daycare; however, I no longer feel capable of taking care of as many children as I had originally intended without my full vision so I need to decide what I want to do when I “grow up.” I plan on earning a small amount of income by babysitting my nephew for a year or two and build up some savings to finance a possible return to school once I decide what exactly I want to do with my life.
So, that’s the whole story and my whole plan. I’m not sure if anyone will even read this post all the way through, so if you did, I just want to say thank you for reading. Not just this post, but any you’ve read over the years. I’m not necessarily the most “social” person on social media. I write my posts as though no one reads them. I’m not one to reach out to strangers or comment to anyone brave enough to put their life out there for others to judge; however, if I follow your blog I do faithfully read it and will continue to do so. I might start another blog on another subject one day and if I do I’ll write a post with the new name so you may hear from me again one day. Thanks again for taking the time to follow my blog. It was a tremendous help to me to know that there were mysterious strangers out there who would know if I didn’t follow through on what I said I would do, or if I made a stupid decision. I would not be where I am today (currently down $13,574.87) without you guys. And, if you take anything from my posts over these past years, please let it be this. Take care of yourself. If you ever see flashing lights in your vision or anything else strange, get it checked immediately. Your eyes are your windows to the world around you, and you only get one set.
Take care. Tammy