tea for t

writing until my heart is full again

[tea-for-t]

and I know, I will love you forever, until our hearts are no more.

[tea-for-t]

I’ll never get to tell you this and most people won't even quite understand it even I don’t I'm trying to send a letter without the address I'm trying to give back what's yours the thick black goo you handed me and then threw on me and shoved down my throat until you knew it was in my veins and heart you know how to play the game so incredibly well I will give it to you you call me so innocently with heartbreak as your tone you pull at all the strings All the right strings because you know I will care until I die and you know I never stop loving you opened me up  and used every part of me until there was nothing left I don't think you ever cared when I look back on every memory they are tainted with your evilness because I don't see you as an innocent boy I fell in love with  under the stars  in freezing cold of august I just see a monster that decided just because I gave a shit the first person in your life to truly give that you had to take every last fucking bit of me I let you every time because I knew you needed it more than me I knew you had no one to keep you up so you took every part of me And tried to fit it into you and you pushed and cut and broke pieces just so they could fit for a little while but they will break more and more and you will be empty again and you will realise how horrible of a fucking person you really are that the person you look at in the mirror isn't who they were two years ago and I wish they were because I loved that boy but now you will forever be dark-eyed with dark circles under your eyes you will always feel sick and weak because you can't take what isn't yours  and place into pieces that don't fit you will never understand the damaged you have done you will never understand the nights I cried all night long you will never understand the anxiety I went through to keep us afloat you will never understand the amount I gave physically, emotionally, financially to us  you will never understand how many feelings I pushed down, how many times I was disappointed by you  because you were never man enough to take anything I said because you were never man enough to own up to the lies, hiding and deceit you would cower away into sadness because you knew that would make me smother you with love you are a coward and that's all you’ll ever be you are so obsessed with what the most unimportant people think you never cared about the one person who meant the most you never cared about what I thought or how your actions affected me I hope someday you learn all of this shit but I know you won't I hope someday someone tells you that you fucked up I hope someday someone tells you that you treated me like shit I hope someday the walls come crashing down and you realise you are surrounded by nothing I hope that you get hit with the reality I must sound so horrible saying all of this but no one knows what happens behind closed doors I lied through my teeth for you I made you seem like an angel because I never wanted anyone to know the monster you really are I wish you would read this so you could actually be hit with something hard for once you fucking broke me  right in half I have never felt so unlike myself I feel 15 again I feel so uprooted from my own life I can barely get out of bed or leave the house or decide what to wear you have crippled me and I let you  I am so mad at myself for letting you do this again and again I am so afraid of love I am so afraid of opening myself up I am so afraid of trusting again I am so terrified of you and what you will do to me because if you did this  what else will you do

[tea-for-t]

you are not yourself

it's traumatic  everything we went through the depression the anxiety the addictions the endless arguments the lies and hiding it was traumatic you broke my heart 6 times  I know them by months I don't know why you did because every time you would cry you would be so mad with yourself I don't think you ever forgave yourself because I never forgave you  you would be screaming trust me but you'd be playing games behind my back you were so good at that game making it seem as if it was me but then throwing in my face that I should just leave I deserve better  but you would keep calling my name I was so stuck in the middle of you and me I had to make sure we were both a float I had to make sure you were ok that you weren't hiding or lying or running  exhausted I just wanted to make things good  but you couldn't grasp the idea of good it was too hard for you it was too out of reach for you  you wanted to slump into everything that made you sad so you could validate  all the lying and hiding and the addictions you tried to get angry at me when you were angry at yourself that I could never be angry at you for you when you lied because it was my fault I didn't trust you you are exhausting you are manipulative you are a liar you are not yourself you stopped being that a long time ago the darkness took you  and they won't let me know where you are

[tea-for-t]

wish me luck

if you asked me six months ago back in January if I saw my life the way it is  I don't think I would've believed you I thought we would have spent our birthdays together planned weekends away planned New Zealand together my 45-minute drive would've turned into 15  it's a little bittersweet because I still spent your birthday with you I made it as special as I could with the lack of love around us my birthday was filled with so much love  I had never felt so spoilt or loved in a long time and you weren't even there now I don't drive very far I even get a little scared the anxiety of being that close but that distant to you I'm leaving the country in less than a week and then I go again  3months something I had dreamed about for a long time and you would always push it back as if it was too much to handle that there was no point in spending money on that spending time on that  when you knew it would make me happy it's this deafening reminder that even though I will probably still love you for a long time that you never really loved me that much back all you wanted was things for you that were easy that were lack of effort I remember making excuses for you  pretending that things you did you put effort in  I constantly have to remind myself why I had to leave  why I did us both a favour why I had to choose it still cripples me because I never wanted to make that decision I never wanted to leave it is incredibly hard to forget you it is incredibly hard to let go wish me luck 

[amortizing]

“I have given away my whole soul to someone who treats it as if it were a flower to put in his coat.”

— Oscar Wilde (via naturaekos)

[tea-for-t]

I hope that the next one  is the last one because I don't know how many heartbreaks I could endure I do not wish to break at the seams I do not wish to cry until there are no more tears the lump in my throat the dead eyes the sleepless nights the constant worry of you I don't want any of it ever again

[tea-for-t]

make sure we're both just staying afloat

sometimes I wish you would call just so we could check in make sure we're both just staying afloat but I know I can't know you know you can't know we can play the awkward dance  of missing each other forever pretending that we aren't breaking at the seams because no one will ever match you and I'm sure no one will ever match me I will never find another one like you like us, I cannot fabricate someone to be you I just remember the bad moments now it's hard to think of all the good things because they were so long ago, so distant to my heart and it breaks to think that that I was so in love with familiarity  I couldn't see how stuck I was and I wish I could have another love like that something that started so innocently with no intention of ever becoming anything yet I fell so hard I planned our wedding by month two you told me to slow down you were so scared of trusting again of letting someone down you met the most forgiving girl yet you abused it you let it bleed black and blue because it was a drug the forgiveness I could let you break my heart more times than I could count yet I still held you after the argument told you it was going to be okay when you should've held me you should've said ill be better you make me think twice  you make me cautious some days I wish I never met you

[tea-for-t]

I never meant to point out your wounds

I catch myself missing you more than I wish I knew I ask myself what happened to the  sweet soft broken boy, I met on August 28th yet you never grew better you became more broken  you became harder because I didn't fix anything I opened doors you didn't know you had I opened boxes and letters I wrote them to you I thought that if I could fix you  we could be together until our last breath but god how I was wrong I sent you to the downward spiral I pushed you when I tried to pull you back I thought because I was growing  you were growing too yet I left you in the dirt  I thought you were still holding my hand I hardened you, I made you realise I made you look at the reality we were in and I think I shocked you I never meant to point out your wounds all I ever wanted to do  was love and fix you mend you to the very core

[tea-for-t]

cloaked with grief

I can feel you under my skin one step and you're there you peek through you lash out grab me by the throat watch me as my anxiety cripples the lump in my throat  grows you have me where you want me cloaked with grief I feel as if I can never escape you that no matter how far I run you will always catch up to me pull the back of my shirt and watch me hit the ground you look me dead in the eyes step over my body and start again I am terrified of what is next you are taunting me you are waiting for your numbers  to show up on the dice so you can make your move so you can drown me watch my last breath

[tea-for-t]

we got answers you didn't want to hear

I ask myself constantly did I give you enough time did I ever give you enough of a chance to change your ways, to change your heart to change your make, your DNA you would say I took it too quick that we ran too fast but I felt so stuck so stagnant like you stied rocks to our ankles and said jump? and I wonder why  you always felt that you had to hide and lie and cover up as if my opinion of you was the only thing keeping you tied together that if I ever found a fault in you you would break and crumble into pieces pieces you thought you could never put together you were always so good at being kind, I think you played it very well but you were even better at spitting words in my face you never yelled or raised your voice even when you got too angry you walked away and maybe that's because we both knew  if you let the anger out we couldn't let it back in you were so good with words and you knew how to hurt me you knew which were the ones that would make me unravel I think I’m your quick fix when your world becomes too much you know I’ll answer the late calls you know I will want to fix your heart mend your hands  glue back your mind you know how to play me so well you hit every weak spot I have the kindness, the compassion, the fixer in me clung to you  but you pushed me away every chance we got because if I dug too deep, if I asked the right questions we got answers you didn't want to hear I cannot fit back into old ways, I cannot fit back into the sad broken girl you met shes has gone she burned in that fire along time ago I don't even know if I miss you anymore I miss the familiarness of you but I don't miss you exactly because you stopped being you a long time ago you like to shapeshift, fit to whatever people want to see you as you got a little too caught up in it and you don't know which shoes are yours

[tea-for-t]

I know the look on your face when you try to hurt me when you want to see how my heart breaks

I couldn't tell you where to start  which was the end or the beginning yesterday felt like a year ago I can't quite find my feet in the ever-shifting world I've left myself in I think about you ten times a day probably more I think if your even alive or if your thinking about me or if you're stabbing me in the back or telling lies just so they won't ask you what really happened because you can tell them I realised I was in a loop with you I was on repeat and I kept pressing stop but it just wouldn't we kept going  I kept saving you, you kept lying, you kept hiding I kept running to save you when you didn't want to be saved because the deal was we do this together but you just couldn't take it you couldn't take the dying pressure of goodness of being something great because it was too much for you too much to handle because if you give up there's no way to fail or succeed  you loved the comfort of giving up of running away so did i but that was years ago I stopped running away and started running head first I feel this ball this tight ball of everything you’ve ever made me feel right in the back of my throat every time I think of you reminding me of all the things I never said all the things I kept inside to protect you from you to protect you from the truth because half of the words I wanted to say would've driven you to the ground even when I dressed them up all pretty covered in sugar they still stung you like a bee they made you bitter and deceitful I know the look on your face when you try to hurt me when you want to see how my heart breaks I know it like the back of my fucking hand I grew to stop loving you because of that face I always knew when you would sting and it was never anything small it was like a stab right between my ribs just missing my heart because you wanted me to grovel, you wanted me to really feel the dying loneliness, the hate, the fear you felt every time you let me down  I felt it through my bones it electrocuted me I remember the searing pain in my stomach, the heaviness in my throat my eyes starting to sting because we knew there would be tears the dryness in my mouth because yet again I have led myself here here into arms of deceit that played the game of love so well I believed in it 

[tea-for-t]

you can no longer save them

sometimes you have to make mistakes again and again and again until your heart finally learns you can no longer save them you can only take so many 3am phone calls 1 am messages you can only take so many “I promise I will change” you can only take so many disappointing moments you can only take it so many times you can only have your heart broken so many times before it becomes numb I remember your face when you told me you were trying to play a game trying to see which version of me you were going to reach if I would be compassionate or angry or sad or hurt I looked for something that would scare you something that would make you think twice I could feel myself slipping away I was in a state of panic for weeks I could barely breathe or make decisions I would sleep and sleep and sleep yet I would be so exhausted I would have to untie webs of lies I would have to decipher why you were so mad at me why you were pointing the finger at me when inside it was you screaming out you crying out there is nothing I can do anymore, I can worry every day I can hope every day that you will think about your heart before you make that decision I hope to god that I won’t get a phone call from the hospital or your friends I hope that you will pick yourself up because my heart can only break so many times before I break myself I can only put myself together so many times before I crumble into nothing you said you felt as if you were dragging me down I said I felt like I was pulling you along, carrying you pieces of puzzles that no longer fit together, that no longer become one this time I decided I would not be the fixer again, I would not make myself the one that puts you back together every day just to pull myself apart at night I was selfish and I loved myself for it

[tea-for-t]

you let go of the sunshine

there are moments in my life where I am infinitely sad that you let me go And there moments in my life when I am incredibly happy that you let me go I think you gave me a gift when you left a gift that I had to choose to open I had to choose to be either happy or sad and today I chose to be happy I chose to love myself and not you I choose to keep going even when I can’t breathe I choose to love my friends I choose to cry when I need to I choose to laugh when I must I choose everything but you I’m something you never expected I will always be a surprise I will be an unending star that keeps exploding you let go of the most adventurous loving thing in your life you let go of infinite love you let go of grace and hope you let go of goodness and warmth you let go of the sunshine I promise you will regret it

[tea-for-t]

this brittle bitter thread

and I am holding on by this single thread this brittle bitter thread it is stained with everything of you it has frayed everywhere it is stained with blood I have no idea how long it’s been this way one day I just looked up and there it was it wasn’t this strong tree that had its root deeply invested into the ground it is nothing it’s so badly wanting to hold itself together but every smile and every conversation takes so much strength that is no longer found and I am this thread I have never felt this dark in such a long time I think it’s scared me shitless how pathetic you sent me into this downward spiral I let you send me into a downward spiral I am trying so hard to piece it together to get my life back to where it needs to be but I have no idea where to start I have no idea which door to open which one to close which one to lock and throw the key away which one to burn which one to run from I have no fucking clue what to do I’m 19 fucking years old keep it together I am trying so hard I just keep finding myself on the floor completely empty crying my heart out I don’t even know what for I just know I can’t get back up

[tea-for-t]

the darkness biting at my cheeks

and I have never felt so alone in my life the swallowing darkness I'm trying to breathe  I am so utterly lost I cannot tell you what my heart is screaming or what my head is thinking the darkness biting at my cheeks  pulling at my skin turning me around and around making me dizzy, weak at my knees I'm trying not to remember what your touch felt like but it’s imprinted in my mind I'm just drowning in my memories of you all the memories that I lost, that I lose every day I feel so jumbled, I feel so completely out of place I have no idea where I'm going I just ran head first my eyes closed, I could hear the wind sweeping by and then I fell  hard my face hitting the ground the cold dirt kissed my cheeks I am entangled in the vines of you, the vines of us, the vines of me they're strangling me, they won't let me go I have lost the path, I don't know where to begin  my heart is so heavy in my chest  I feel so lost in this world I feel so deeply alone without you

[tea-for-t]

I am trying to be graceful

I'm not sure what I would put in a letter to you I don't know what the pages would entail I’m stuck between betrayal and longing stuck between dissapointment and heartache I wanna reach out to you  see how you're doing  because god I’m worried as hell the last time I saw you you were grey faced a war inside you brewing you seemed so angry with the world I think if I touched you the bomb would explode I’d break your skin I want to see if your world is still turning if you have settled  or if you’ve become a new person I have to pretend like I don't care as if it’s something I don't think about but all I have ever wanted for you  is the best I have always believed you could do much more then you ever thought you could it’s just sad I can't be on that journey with you that I can’t cheer you on anymore I can’t hold you when your sad or answer your phone calls at 1am yet again I remind myself the betrayal the hurt the anger you gave me reminds me I shouldn't care this much I shouldn't be kind and soft because you threw away every reason for me to you just crumbled it all away with a grin on your face it’s so hard to think back to see what was fake and what was genuine   it’s hard to pick apart an entire 15 months god that’s a long time I am trying to be graceful I’m trying to survive something that makes no sense something I will never get an answer too yet my anxiety is screaming for answers it doesn’t quite understand that your not you you can say all you like that maybe this is the real you but don’t kid yourself  we both know it isn’t I think that's the worst of it all you pretending to be something your not you say all the things that might make me hate you  so it’s easier for yourself to move on so you can pat yourself on your back and say I did good I made it better for her trust me you didn’t you made it much much worse I wish I could just point out where the light is for you just so you know when your ready to turn to it because I just think you are so lost in feelings that hit you like waves again and agin your trying to breathe but it hits you so hard your lungs are filling up with water your losing hope of ever finding the light  but just look up  I swear to god you will find it

[tea-for-t]

a flame at the least

it's such a wicked thing that somehow you made me feel  like I never gave enough that I never did enough to keep us together that I didn't love enough I didn't call or message enough that I didn't care enough I didn't hold you together that I didn't drop my everything for you I would’ve done anything in this world for you you saw my generosity as something sweet yet you used it in the worst kind of ways you used it against me made me feel as if  I was never enough  that no matter how much I did  it was never enough I haven't felt like that in a long time how dare you burden me with this make me feel small make me feel unworthy I am so much more than generosity much more than just a small chapter in your life don't even think that my life stopped when you left I will keep going and going and going you have no idea what you sparked a flame at the least a roaring fire  I will grow and grow I will be the flames of red and crimson the flames of orange and sweet yellow a force to be reckoned with