Finding Viktor @teemutoivola - Tumblr Blog

Dreaming lately

Leaches on my back - two of them. I try to get rid of them by looking at the mirrow. Soldier shooting at me - I pretended to be dead. He puts gun into my mouth - I wake up. Planecrash - twice during the same night - I died and felt extremely sad and devastated for my son. I was dripping blood End of the world or at least nuclear war. Waking up for the feeling of pressure wave.

#dreaming #nightmare #mirrow #leach #subconscious

Everybody - stop worrying! Super hero will save day. #drawingclass #batman #findingviktor #copyart #parenting

#drawingclass #parenting #copyart #batman #findingviktor

#NowPlaying Main Title Theme - Westworld - Ramin Djawadi

#music #spotify

#NowPlaying No Harm - Editors

#music #spotify

#NowPlaying Au revoir mon amour - Dominique A

#music #spotify

Finding midlife crisis

You don’t know about the crisis until you have passed the moment of no return. Well maybe it is not that dramatic. But I can now sense it someway, the crisis I mean. I expected to be more sudden, maybe even more concrete somehow. For me it seems to be overall feeling of existence. I think it would be different without Viktor - now the crisis involves also issues about him growing up.

So my crisis what is about? Fear of dying definitely, but more I fear the feeling that someone needs feel bad about it. Well for sure, I fear loosing other people as well, the overwhelmed feeling of sorrow. Cultural conventions that take place before and after someone’s death. The whole life seems to me at the moment at least, like act of dying, loosing life. I have noticed to be obsessed about the fiction that in one way or another handles the matter of limits of life.

There are days that I feel that - this is it - I am not able to accomplish anything anymore. I feel that it has been only illusion that my way is upwards in work life - I feel that I lost my chances. I should just have any possible job to have steady incomes to provide my family, all what they need at least in material level. I feel I haven’t had any direction where to aim my efforts. I have always felt that something will come up, some great opportunity - that feeling has turned to feeling of surviving.

So my crisis is also about just hanging there, barely. Paralyzed - nothing matters (Surely everything with Viktor matters). Paralyzed of the idea that one day VIktor will find out the same hoax feeling about life. I hope I can someway contribute to him having better mental health to cope the life after illusion of limitless life.

My crisis is about not having ambition towards anything anymore. Well I want to be better person - but for me it involves also something outside of my head - maybe career, respect, accomplishments...well something. My crisis is about the fact that I am 42 and I feel like this - how will I feel when I am 60?!

But still - there is a chance that crisis is a new beginning that gives you deeper touch to life itself. There are moments, normally at ten in the morning, when I feel some unity with the universe and I am very alert in positive way. This alertness makes me even sometimes smile in the crowd. Signs of madness or hope? Is the answer really 42?

#crisis #42 #answeris42 #dying #living #depressive #mid life crisis

Self-delusion

Lately I have been thinking of self-delusion. Why is it coded in us so deep? Is there logical or evolution based explination to it? (I havent googled this by the way - yet). Is it a help or big damage, waste if time? Oxford dictionary describes self-delusion as a failure of recognizing the reality. But then again what is reality - HUH! Who will define my reality. Surely there is like classical examples of self delusion but my intrest is somewhere else where we try to define ourselves and our capabilities - which are the catgories where self delusion is actually better choise than sticking in so called reality? And does optimistic view of life inherently include parts of self-delusion?

#self delusion #thoughts #evolution #reality