Pokéstuck

A Homestuck fanadventure in which the characters try to be the best, like noone ever was. Originally posted and still maintained on the MSPA forums, and commands/suggestions can either be posted there or asked here; I will take both into account. Written and drawn by Stripe, though tumblr knows me better as tehstripe.

[tehpokestuck]

SON: Approach the one that smells like your MOM!

Uh oh. She doesn't look too good.

==> (Suggestions Open!)

[tehpokestuck]

SON: Approach the one that smells like a cat

No! That is a terrible idea! You are a MOUSE - whatever that means - and CATS eat MICE! Your ingrained instincts tell you not to go that way.

> SON: Approach the one that smells like your MOM!

[tehpokestuck]

SON: Investigate!

Wow, it feels like you haven't been out of your POKéBALL in well over a year! But of course that's ridiculous, as you are still less than a day old. But your SENSE OF SMELL is already top notch, and you sniff a number of suspicious stenches in the nearby area! But which one should you investigate first?

[tehpokestuck]

JOHN: Be the brave one

ok here, i will prove that there is nothing scary out there! i will send son to investigate, and then you can stop crying like a stupid baby that poops in its diapers.

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS A BABY?

> SON: Investigate

[tehpokestuck]

==>

she just said she had some business to attend to. i am sure she'll be back soon-

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

what the fuck was what?

THAT AWFUL STRANGLED NOISE! DON'T TELL ME YOU DIDN'T HEAR IT.

oh that! probably just a wild pokemon or something.  it's not really that big of a deal

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "IT IS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL?" THERE WAS STRAIGHT UP BLOODLUST IN THAT CRY. SOMETHING IS OUT THERE AND IT HAS DECIDED THAT IT WANTS TO EAT A TROLL GYM LEADER AND HIS STRINGY HUMAN TAG-ALONG.  WE ARE GOING TO BE RIPPED LIMB FROM LIMB AND YET HERE YOU ARE SAYING, AND I QUOTE, THAT "IT IS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL."

hey, no offense, dude. but i think you're overreacting here.

I WILL LET IT GNAW ON YOUR DISBELIEVING HUMAN BONES WHILE I RUN.

==> (Suggestions Open!)

[tehpokestuck]

VRISKA: Transform!

Ah, yes! You can feel the power of the MYSTERIOUS VIAL overtake you! You feel a sort of PRIMEVAL CHANGE happening right in your gut! Surely you are now about to become more powerful, powerful enough to rule the hole galaxy! Hey, wait a sec-

OK, that's not almighty power, that's just nausea. Maybe you should refrain from drinking things from mysterious green vials from now on.

==>

[tehpokestuck]

MYSTERIOUS EYES: Very well. Carry on

You continue to spy on KARKAT, using your HEIGHTENED FELINE HEARING to aid you in your on-going surveillance mission. 

LOOK WE HAVE BIGGER PLANS THAN YOU. PLANS SO BIG YOUR MEASLY HUMAN THINKPAN CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO COMPREHEND THEM WITHOUT SHITTING ITSELF.

oh yeah? then tell me! i bet that humans are not as dumb as you think we are.

I COULD TELL YOU BUT THEN I'D HAVE TO KILL YOU.

haha, very funny.

I'M NOT KIDDING. ANYWAYS WHERE THE HELL DID VRISKA GO?

==> (Suggestions Open!)

[tehpokestuck]

MYSTERIOUS EYES: Be distracted from the impurrtant mission by KARKAT

But that's impossible! Watching KARKAT at all times is your very impurrtant mission! And you are definitely never going to be distracted from that, no matter what!

> MYSTERIOUS EYES: Very well. Carry on

[tehpokestuck]

VRISKA: Read the JOURNAL

You suddenly don't understand anything.

> MYSTERIOUS EYES: Be distracted from the impurrtant mission by KARKAT

[tehpokestuck]

VRISKA: Drink a MYSTERIOUS VIAL

That was a really dumb idea! What if that mysterious liquid was radioactive? Better check that journal to make sure.

> VRISKA: Read the JOURNAL

[tehpokestuck]

MYSTERIOUS EYES: Be watching

You are pawlways watching! There is surely nothing in the world that could distract you from your very impurrtant job here!

==> (Suggestions Open!)

[tehpokestuck]

VRISKA: Open PACKAGE

Inside the box there appears to be 2 MYSTERIOUS VIALS and a RESEARCH JOURNAL.  And you're no scientist, but you've got to admit this looks preeeeeeeetty promising.

> MYSTERIOUS EYES: Be watching

[tehpokestuck]

==>

YOU DON'T GET THAT LUCKY WITH MOST OF MY SPECIES.

wow, karkat. that was the lamest story i've ever heard!

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

==> (What could be in that package?)

[tehpokestuck]

I'M HERE ON A MISSION FROM THE FUCKING QUEEN BITCH HERSELF. I WAS GIVEN THE POWER AND PRIVILEGE OF KEEPING THIS WORTHLESS PIECE OF PLANET UNDER CONTROL WHILE SHE GOES OFF TO CONQUER MORE GALAXIES. I HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES! I COULD GET YOU AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS CULLED IF I FEEL LIKE IT, BUT LUCKY FOR ALL OF YOU I AM A MERCIFUL AND WISE LEADER WHO ALSO KNOWS HOW TO TELL A FUCKING STORY. 

==>

[tehpokestuck]

==>

CLEARLY YOU DON'T EITHER.

whatever! you're just a dumb alien with short nubby horns. i bet you don't even have any good stories about your life because it is so boring!

OK FIRST OFF, LAY OFF THE HORNS. AND SECOND, THE FACT I'M AN ALIEN CLEARLY MEANS THAT I ALREADY HAVE A MORE INTERESTING LIFE THAN YOU DO.  YOU DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE YOUR FUCKING HOME TOWN UNTIL THIS MORNING AND I'VE ALREADY TRAVELED THE GALAXY.

so?

SO I'M ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE OTHER THAN HOLDING GRUDGES AGAINST RANDOM ORANGE FISH!

==>

[tehpokestuck]

JOHN: Finish telling your best story to KARKAT

and it was THIS BIG! that's really big for a magikarp, karkat! it's like in the top 1% of magikarp size. anyways so it got away that time but exactly a year later i just found the same magikarp for sale in a pokemart. and i was like "wow that's a killer deal" so i got vriska to lend me some money and then i bought it. and that is the story of how i got nic cage!

YAWN.

hey! what was that for?

IT WAS FOR SAYING THAT WAS THE MOST RIDICULOUSLY STORY I HAVE EVER HAD FORCIBLY SHOVED IN THROUGH MY EARS AND INTO MY THINK PAN. IF I WERE RANKING IT ON A LIST OF ENJOYABLE EXPERIENCES I WOULD PLACE IT ONLY SLIGHTLY ABOVE BEING DISEMBOWELED AND FAR BELOW HAVING MY EYES CLAWED OUT BY A RABID BIRD.

that's just because you don't know what a good story is!

==>

[tehpokestuck]

Where indeed...

==> (Suggestions Open!)