you know, i’ve had my facebook account deactivated since i graduated college in 2017. i also deactivated my main tiktok account sometime in april, i think. but deactivating instagram from time to time has always been the hardest one.
i love taking photos, editing them, and curating my feed. it was my little creative outlet. creating things has always made me happy. but somewhere along the way, i got too caught up in making everything look aesthetic. even my stories had to look a certain way.
the next thing i knew, i stopped taking photos. stopped posting. and weirdly enough, i started missing that part of myself.
so instead of being active on instagram, i went back to this account.
a little space for random photos and videos, messy moments, boring days, things i find pretty, and things i want to remember. no pressure to make everything perfect. no pressure to follow trends. just me trying to enjoy creating again.
i’m hoping i don’t fall back into the habit of overthinking every post because, honestly, that’s what made me lose interest in the first place. i want this account to feel real. i want to share things because they make me happy, not because they fit a certain aesthetic.
not sure if i’ll end up deactivating this account too someday 😅 but for now, welcome to my not-so-perfect little corner of the internet.
i envy people who can freely put their phones on silent or dnd because i simply can’t.
i have my lolo and lola, whom i’m very close with, and honestly, they’re one of the biggest reasons why moving out years ago was so hard for me. i’m the one who supports them, goes with them to their hospital labs and check-ups, and helps take care of them. they’re more comfortable having me around, even more than their own children—my mama and titas.
but what i mentioned in this post, i didn’t get tired naman because of supporting them or taking care of them. i got tired because the people who should’ve been relying on and worrying about them didn’t even bother to remember them, even in the smallest things, because they knew i was always there. when i moved out, that’s when they somehow realized that they should also be taking care of their parents too.
but going back to why i can’t really dnd my phone, that’s also because of them. it’s one of my biggest fears. we’ve had so many emergencies at home, and whenever something happens, i want to be updated. i want to be able to go to them as soon as i can, reply right away, or call them back immediately.
even typing this blog still makes me sad—not because i can’t dnd lang my phone, but because i really, really miss my lolo and lola.
so i try to call them whenever i can, make time to take them out, go on little galas with them, treat them to their favorite food, and even go with them to their check-ups.
i guess this is just one of those things that comes with loving someone so much. you’re always a little bit worried, always a little bit on-call, and you don’t really mind it until you realize how much you miss them.
pero sabi ko nga sa sarili ko, na kung marami lang akong pera, i’ll keep them with me. kahit wala akong makuhang support from anyone else in our family or relatives. kahit akuin ko na yung pagiging anak sa sarili nilang mga anak. kasi confident akong kaya ko silang i-support without sacrificing myself din.
but right now, i’m trying really hard to step back a little. as much as i want to be involved, i’m giving them the chance to think about what to do first, to hear their thoughts on this, and to know what their plans are for their parents.
para ma-realize din nila na may responsibility sila, at hindi lang dapat lahat nasa akin.
ang sad. and from time to time, i still find myself wondering, “am i being selfish?” 🥺
happy monday! just wanna put it out here, the things i need to do today so i’ll be forced to actually do them:
eat breakfast while journaling — done tho hehe
check my calendar for today’s scheduled meetings
check my priority tasks at work
in charge of cooking the rice while alvin cooks our ulam
squeeze in a 1-hour gym workout after lunch
go to my nail tech for my gel polish removal after work
if there’s still a vacant slot, get my eyebrows and upper lip waxed
grocery run (cos wala na kaming pagkain sa ref 😭)
i hope it won’t rain too hard dahil baka hanggang gym workout na lang talaga yung magawa ko huhu natatakot na kasi kami actually lumabas pag naulan ng malakas kasi hindi mo na alam kung saan at kailan babaha. yung mga dating hindi binabaha, binabaha na ngayon eh
hi, riz!! so glad we’re still ig mutuals even after i disappeared from tumblr. we may not always talk to each other, but please know that i’m always silently rooting for you! ♡
i am so, so happy with the video i posted last night. actually, ever since i became active here on tumblr again, i feel like i’ve been feeling creative again. i love being creative.
you know what, some of the people i knew before i became friends with them thought i was a designer or something related to a creative field. i mean, technically, i’m now working in digital marketing, but i’m not the one who handles the creative side of it nor am i part of that department. i’m actually the one who helps with the company’s growth and performance, which, now that i think about it, is something i also really enjoy doing.
anyway, i just hope this creative side of me—or this excitement i feel whenever i get to create things—never leaves my soul. ♡
"sana malaman ng araw at ng buwan, gagawan ko lagi ng paraan, gagawan ko lagi ng paraan."
these lines from paraan always remind me of alvin.
although technically, i think this song was written during the vocalist's time when he thought he was losing hope, it's these particular lines that stayed with me. and every time i hear them, si alvin agad ang pumapasok sa isip ko.
we love attending gigs, and whenever mayonnaise plays this song, grabe yung pagpipigil ko umiyak. pero pag nasa bahay lang ako at bigla ko siyang marinig, wala na. naiiyak na lang talaga ako.
i remember 2021, when i moved out of our family's house kasi parang bigla na lang akong napagod at sumuko sa pagsalo ng lahat ng kailangang isipin sa bahay—physically, emotionally, and financially. salo ko halos lahat. you know... the usual filipino family culture.
pero kahit ganon, si alvin yung lagi at lagi talagang nandyan para sa akin. i'm the kind of person who's scared to ask for help, and i'm not really good at opening up about sa mga naiisip o kailangan ko. pero si alvin, kahit wala akong sabihin, parang gets na niya agad.
i think that's what i love most about him. he's just... kind. genuinely kind. hindi lang sa akin, kundi sa lahat ng taong nakikilala niya. kumbaga, wala talagang masamang tinapay.
fast forward to, i think, sometime in Q4 of 2024, when he officially moved in with me. kahit dati pa naman, ramdam ko nang priority niya ako. pero mas lalo ko lang siyang naramdaman nung magkasama na kami sa iisang bahay, 24/7. kahit sa maliliit na bagay, mapapansin mo talagang inuuna niya ko.
hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan yung time na isinugod niya ako sa ospital. nagpapanic na rin ako nun kasi suka ako nang suka. sinubukan naming mag-book ng grab pero wala kaming ma-book. buti na lang available yung friends namin na malapit, sila yung naghatid sa amin.
matagal na niyang pinag-iisipan bumili ng kotse noon, pero hindi niya ma-justify. kaka-promote lang din kasi niya sa work. pero pagkatapos ng nangyari, sabi niya, hindi pala pwedeng ganon. hindi pwedeng kapag may emergency, hindi niya ako agad matatakbo sa ospital.
grabe. isa lang yan sa napakarami niyang sacrifices para sa akin.
kaya to be honest, naiinis talaga ako sa mga insensitive na tao na paulit-ulit kaming kinukulit tungkol sa pagpapakasal. na parang bang sila ang sasagot at bubuhay sa amin? hahaha.
dati, winiwish ko talaga na pagdating ko ng 30, sana kasal na ako. pero ang dami ko pa palang di nagagawa sa buhay? kasi prang ngayon lang din ako nagkaron ng opportunity sa mga bagay bagay. isa rin pala sa mga dahilan kung bakit ako nag-move out. akala ko, baka this time, mauna ko naman yung sarili ko. ngayon, priority ko pa rin naman yung family ko. pero simula nung mas nahawakan ko yung sarili kong buhay, mas marami akong nagawa para sa sarili ko. nakapag-travel ako. nakapag-try ng dalawang trabaho. nakapag-explore ng iba't ibang pagkain at hobbies na gusto ko.
tapos na-realize ko rin bilang si alvin na 2 years younger than me, kaka-promote lang sa work a couple of years ago, parang ang unfair ko palang hilingin na magmadali kami. lalo na kung ang gusto lang naman niya ay mabigay sakin yung best life he can give.
naiinis din ako minsan sa sarili ko. na parang hindi ko naman siya kilala?
ang dami-dami niyang gusto para sa sarili niya, pero halos lahat, hindi niya agad binibili o ginagawa. gusto niya laging sigurado muna siya sa mga susunod na mangyayari. minsan nga, kakaisip niya, nawawala na lang yung gusto niya sa isang bagay.
pero pagdating sa akin? kapag may bigla akong naisip na gusto kong gawin, puntahan, o subukan sa buhay... support lang siya. wala akong naririnig na reklamo o pagdadalawang-isip.
ngayon, sobrang proud na proud ako sa kanya. i think this time, unti-unti na rin naman niyang nabubuild yung mga gusto niya sa buhay. actually, siya na nga yung boss ko ngayon sa work!! pero sa next kwento na ’yan (wow, may continuation pa pala? 🥲)
grabe, napahaba bigla yung kwento ko???!
siguro kasi may sakit siya ngayon. nilagnat siya kaninang madaling araw. at ang sarap lang pala sa pakiramdam na maalagaan siya. parang ngayon lang ako kahit papaano nakakabawi sa lahat ng panahong siya naman yung nag-alaga sa akin kapag ako yung may sakit.
naalala ko rin kung paano niya inasikaso yung birthday ko. ni minsan, hindi niya pinaramdam na pagod siya. tapos ngayon na siya naman yung may sakit, gusto niya siya pa rin yung kikilos at mag-aasikaso ng lahat.
kaya araw-araw, nagpapasalamat na lang talaga ako na siya yung kasama ko ngayon... at yung makakasama ko pa habang buhay. 🥺
nandito na tayo. onting tiis na lang… at sa lahat ng bagay, gagawan natin lagi ng paraan.
never thought we'd be coming back to baguio soooo soon. plus, what was supposed to be just a weekend gala unexpectedly got extended dahil sa bagyo... (sa baguio? lol)
yung simpleng "tara" lang sana, biglang natuloy. 🫣 grabe, ang layo ng narating namin para manood ng spider-man!!
share ko lang din. on our way home, alvin and i kept looking back on our stay in baguio. kasi kung puyat at pagod lang din ang pag-uusapan, doon lang namin siya naramdaman pag-uwi na o kaya noong nasa kalagitnaan pa kami ng biyahe pauwi. habang nandun kami kina rej, parang hindi namin napansin. puro lang kami kwentuhan at tawanan. akala pa nga namin sa apat na araw namin don, mauubusan kami ng pag-uusapan. pero hindi pala. lalo nung dumagdag pa si third, grabe walang nagpapatalo sa kwento?? lahat may entry???
ang nakakatawa pa, may isang beses lang kaming natahimik sa taxi. as in yun lang. tapos parang 10–15 minutes lang yata? pero binabalik balikan namin siya kasi don lang natigil yung mga bibig namin HAHAHA
tapos nanghihinayang pa rin ako kasi hindi ko na-videohan yung kwentuhan nina alvin at rej about GOT. parang 30 minutes silang dire-diretsong nag-uusap tapos di na ako makarelate. kung hindi ako nag-cellphone non, aantukin na ko (as a lola. 😭)
pero sayang talaga kasi gusto ma-capture yung mga ganong moments. ewan, natutuwa lang talaga ako tuwing nakikita kong nakakasabay si alvin sa mga trip at kwento ng friends ko.
alam niyo ba yung feeling na kapag busy ka sa work o kaya sobrang stressed ka, nagiging reflex mo na lang biglaang mag-browse sa social media? pero hindi mo naman talaga iniintindi yung mga nakikita mo. basta scroll lang nang scroll.
simula nung bumalik ako dito sa tumblr, napansin ko na ito na yung naging reflex ko. dito na ako napapascroll, tapos ang cute lang kasi kahit papaano, napapabasa pa rin ako ng konti (kahit kunwari busy sa work). natutuwa akong magbasa kasi parang nagbabasa ako ng kanya-kanya niyong journal. huhu cute 🥺
i can't wait to deactivate my instagram again. 😭 sa totoo lang, ni-reactivate ko lang naman yon para i-update yung recent happenings sa life ko. para ma-document lang ba in photos lol. kaso sabi ni instagram, after a week pa daw ulit pwedeng mag-deact hays!
ang saya lang kasi ang dami ko nang na-chika agad dito. feeling ko kasi lahat ng tao bago, tapos kakaunti lang yung kilala ko at nakakakilala sa'kin. so free si ate mo girl mag-chika nang mag-chika.
na-drain lang din talaga ako sa instagram. dati, hindi ko ma-imagine na magde-deact ako kasi sobrang saya kong balikan yung mga pictures at memories ko doon. yon nga actually yung ginagawa ko pag bored or sad. browse lang sa feed tapos magigising ako sa reality na ang dami nang nangyari sa buhay ko. ngayon pa ba ako mag iinarte. pero idk at some point, bigla na lang akong napaisip na mag disappear!!
ewan ko ha, baka ako lang talaga to!! 🥹 pero minsan feeling ko may mga taong hindi na genuinely concerned sa'yo. parang gusto na lang nilang makibalita o makasagap ng latest chika tungkol sa buhay mo.
CHARIZ FEELING KO LANG NAMAN! SORRY NA AGAD HAHAHAHA
bigla ko ring naisip yung pagiging shy ko sa pag-label ng relationship ko sa mga tao sa paligid ko. i mean, specifically sa mga kakilala at friends ko.
lagi kong sinasabi kay alvin na sobrang precious sa akin ng friendship. i may not be available 24/7, pero kapag kailangan ako ng friends ko, lahat ng kailangan kong gawin o nasa calendar ko, ica-cancel ko talaga. minsan hindi na nga nila kailangang magsabi. kapag feeling ko hindi sila okay, ako na mismo ang mag-aaya.
as someone na sobrang nahihiyang mag-aya lumabas most of the time, lagi kong iniisip na baka ako lang ang may gustong magkita, baka hindi pala nila kailangan. kaya every time na nag-aaya ako, lagi kong sinasabi, "kung gusto mo lang ha. huwag kang ma-pressure kung hindi ka pwede." i always respect their space and how they choose to cope.
ewan ko ba, feeling ko may trauma ko sa mga nagla-label sa aking "friend" o "best friend" nila ako, tapos kapag may pinagdadaanan sila... bakit hindi ako yung unang tinakbuhan? bakit hindi ako yung unang naiisip? akala ko ba best friend ako? ganon yung atake. hahahaha.
ayoko sanang i-entertain yung ganitong mindset kasi feeling ko unfair siya sa ibang tao. baka ako lang talaga 'to. kaya ang ending, minsan ako na lang mismo ang nagdi-disappear. parang defense mechanism na rin para mabawasan 'yung attachment ko.
kasi alam niyo ba... grabe akong ma-attach sa friends ko.
for sure, karamihan sa kanila hindi nila alam yon kasi hindi naman ako expressive sa salita. hindi ako yung laging nagsasabing "i miss you" o "i appreciate you." pero i value them so much.
siguro kaya rin ako nasa-sad kapag hindi nare-reciprocate yung level ng concern na kaya kong ibigay. pero baka nga ako lang 'to. baka OA lang talaga ako. o baka hindi lang talaga ako marunong magsabi ng nararamdaman.
naalala ko rin, sinabi ko kay alvin dati na nalulungkot ako kapag naiisip kong ikakasal kami. kasi sino bang magiging bridesmaids ko? ang lungkot ko non kasi siya, may mga best friends siya since childhood. tapos ako, iniisip ko pa lang, sino bang magiging partner ng mga groomsmen niya? HAHA
pero ngayon... i think mayroon naman na?
maybe not a lot. maybe not the kind of friendships na araw-araw kayong magkausap. pero i think i have a few people i can truly call my friends.
and maybe that's enough.
siguro kailangan ko na lang tanggapin na ganon talaga ang buhay. habang tumatanda tayo, iba-iba na tayo ng priorities, iba-iba na rin ng schedule, energy, at paraan ng pagharap sa buhay (wow? haha). darating at darating talaga yung panahon na hindi na kayo ganon kadalas magkausap o magkita.
grabe, okay. oa na kung oa pero jusko bat kilig na kilig naman ako sa meetup ni ate telle (@telle-tale) at rej (@herjourne)????? na para namang power couple ko yan sila???? WAAAAAAAHHHHH grabe, sobrang kilig na kilig ako huhuhu panindigan niyo ko pls hmp, iiyak ako sige kayo :(((((
tracey, you're one of the few people who still messages me and reaches out even though i disappeared and haven't been active here on tumblr. just know that i really appreciate all your "kumusta"s, and i still get all kilig every time you give me the sweetest random compliments.
i hope people see me for who i am, not for the work i do, not for who i'm with, and not for the life i've built. i hope they see the soul that's always been mine. 💌
