Wendy's Late Night Drive Thru
After a solid night out at the Wreck Room for some chick's birthday, Dave, Bobby (fake names) and I stumble out of the bar looking for some bacon wrapped street dogs. Just as we find a guy making those delicious treats, we all realize we have no cash. So naturally the back up plan is Jack in the Box, which happens to be conveniently two blocks from my apartment. Bobby wants no part in J-I-T-B since it's the opposite direction of his house so he splits and starts his long journey back to the Marina.
Dave and i make our way to the mecca of late night drunken food and absolutely rape the value menu. 2 tacos, double bacon cheeseburger, crispy chicken sandwich, fries, and coke. Each. No big deal. After our lovely late night dinner date, Dave and I are sitting on my stoop waiting for his cab to arrive and his phone rings. It's Bobby. He answers and puts it on speaker.
(Keep in mind Bobby broke up with his gf of 4 years, 3 days ago)
Bobby: "Yoooo duuuuudes! you're never gonna believe what happened! I was walking home to the Marina down Vanness St. and this car pulled over, rolled down the window and asked me if I wanted a ride. I looked inside and it was this really cute chick driving alone, so I figured fuck it I'll go. Her name was Wendy. While we were driving she was talking about relationships and said that her boyfriend has erectile dysfunction. Then when we pulled up in front of my apartment, she told me to take my pants off. Then she busted out a bottle of lotion out of no where! She started massaging my thighs and then she took my dick out and started sucking on it! Can you believe that? Then when I finished, she gave me her number and said to call her ANY time I wanted to do that again!"
Me and Dave: SIIIIICK!!! BAHAHAHA (we high five as if Bobby was there with us)
Cut to next day.
Dave and I make our way to Tim's house for Sunday football to watch the Pats game and nurse our hangovers. I start telling the story of Billy's success to Tim and his roommate (both have lived in SF for a long time), and Tim cuts me off 3 seconds into the story.
Tim: Bobby got his dick sucked by a tranny bro!
The room goes dead silent, Dave and I look at each other, and we all bust out laughing.
Tim and his roommate both confirmed that there is a tranny that drives around looking for drunk guys, so he/she can suck on their wangs. Tim had an encounter with the same girl but realized she had an Adam's apple and bounced.
Meanwhile back at Bobby's, he received a group text from Dave and I that says, "We have confirmation, you got your dick sucked by a tranny last night".
Then Bobby goes dark. We didn't hear from him for hours. We were imagining him Googling the funniest shit "Am I gay if I accidently got my dick sucked by a tranny?"
Then he writes back to the group text. Here are some snippets:
Bobby: Are you guys sure about this? She had tits tho!
Dave: Bobby, do you know what a tranny is?
Bobby: Dude this is not cool. She had a vagina tho.
Dave: She does now.
Bobby: I swear to god if this is true, I'm moving back to Boston.
Needless to say Bobby was freaking the fuck out. We all decided we'd put him through enough and he might go insane if we kept teasing him about it. So we said we wouldn't bring it up again.
Cut to 2 weeks later at a bar watching the Red Sox World Series game. I'm at the bar trying to order a drink and I oversee Bobby open an email on his phone and whisper "YESSSS" to himself. I ask him what the hell that was about, and he said "Shhh... I got an STD test just to make sure I was okay and I'm all good!" I give him a high five and yell to Dave, "Hey Bobby got tested after the whole incident and he's good!". Dave replies, "What'd he get tested for??! Bein GAY!?"
We all had a good laugh. Except for Bobby.