why am i like this

🪼

[tenderturquoise]

170914 0128

if the amount of effort I put in for you was a 10, I guess the amount of effort I’ve been putting in for everyone else so far hasn’t exceeded 5…

i don’t think..ill ever be able to love someone as much as i loved you and that’s a terrifying thought to think about haha fuck my life. even if I don’t love you anymore i think that statement will still hold. and that’s scary to think about…..really scary

[tenderturquoise]

for 2025 me to find

@ 2025 me, hope you give a satisfactory update

but 240923 me would like to say, i still believe in this, and after all these years, i have never been able to love someone as much as i love you

oh well

jiayous to us

[tenderturquoise]

2025 me is back to say i was prob high on some shit, no satisfactory update to provide.

i think i can tell my 2024 self that the statement above wasn’t true

[tenderturquoise]

170914 0128

if the amount of effort I put in for you was a 10, I guess the amount of effort I’ve been putting in for everyone else so far hasn’t exceeded 5…

i don’t think..ill ever be able to love someone as much as i loved you and that’s a terrifying thought to think about haha fuck my life. even if I don’t love you anymore i think that statement will still hold. and that’s scary to think about…..really scary

[tenderturquoise]

for 2025 me to find

@ 2025 me, hope you give a satisfactory update

but 240923 me would like to say, i still believe in this, and after all these years, i have never been able to love someone as much as i love you

oh well

jiayous to us

[tenderturquoise]

after a long break from tumblr, i think i've finally figured out. early 2024 me was just GUILTY over what i did in 2017. i didn't miss you as much as i thought.

i really wanted so much more with someone else and i'm sure a BTO would have been on the way if i didn't get so sad and afraid and ended up pushing him away. he's really gone now. i'm so sad about it but it's all my fault. i've never felt so low before. i want to kms so badly

i'm stuck here in limbo unable to move on and also somehow still guilty over 2017 and also the fact that we started talking again in 2024 and it obvi always doesn't end well, what did i expect?? haha

[tenderturquoise]

as each day passes i’m more certain that i don’t know what i’m doing and i’m a mess but one step at a time, i can finally admit i’m not even looking forward in the slightest bit to things like having kids, starting a family, getting married, getting a BTO. idk it’s really not in my priority list and i don’t really know why, but that’s what it is for now and i can’t figure out the other parts of this story since it’s still being written

idk i know i’m a huge mess to everyone i’ve dated and i know i screwed up in so many ways but it’s a bit too late to do anything is it

i think that’s why 2023 me wanted to end things and actually be single for a good period of time so that i could just take some time to heal properly but hahahaha oh well. fake it till you make it or something, it’s already august 2024.

i guess last year i felt like i hadn’t healed from us, in 2016, but i didn’t realise the emotions and the signs pointing to that

but yeah idk i guess i just ended up trying to heal all while juggling everything else, not the brightest idea but it’s all i’ve ever known

idk what will happen next year but we’ll see, maybe in 5 years i’ll be single and actually healing myself for real instead of this fake recovery that i think is happening, bc it’s clearly not, since i keep coming back to this spiral every now and then, and it’s always the same issue over and over again, which just means i haven’t properly healed ig

[tenderturquoise]

dk what the fuck i was on cuz i'm absolutely fucked rn like i miss him so badly i can't even put it into words anymore

[tenderturquoise]

:/ sigh dk if i made the right decisions tbh but oh well it’s too late at least i let him go instead of having him suffer with intolerable me that was getting sad so often

i’m still sad, just without him

[tenderturquoise]

HAPPY 2025! i want to die! i don’t know what’s up with me! i got what i kind of wanted in the first half of 2024, but why am i so fucking unhappy with this outcome

[tenderturquoise]

i guess at least this year i KNOW beanorockzz will be sending me a message :-) and i don’t have to second guess it and overthink it and stress out over what to reply

[tenderturquoise]

2024 is ending guys are we ready for another round of my birthday blues because i am not

[jetvk]

a minute of silence for all the personal things confided to people who really didn't deserve to know

[tenderturquoise]

ok for real, to myself, let’s get started on reflecting on 2014-2024 soon, i need to get this story out.

and i think more importantly than not

my sis alr has an inkling

i should just confirm it someday

[tenderturquoise]

jk i’m fine now love it i have issues fr but ok im ok all is well i think heh

[tenderturquoise]

i am so numb it’s so funny reading my sep - nov posts bc rn i am so tired i don’t even feel anyth at all i just want to shut down and cry and not think anymore. i think i am not as big of a sucker as i thought, i have realised things that tick me off and i will mention them at some point maybe

[tenderturquoise]

sometimes i imagine handcuffs with teeth on them, or like blades, and i imagine cuffing my wrists to them and maybe slowly moving it along my arm so i get a whole rounded cut. do such things exist, feels like they would for meat

idk self harm tendencies are high high these few days i’ve been holding my feelings in ig, it’s so ugly now that it exploded

[tenderturquoise]

maybe i should go for my heart checkup again why is it physically hurting again LOLS

[tenderturquoise]

am i asking for too much, i just…want to hear the words “thanks for planning” or “thanks for checking”…hits different compared to saying “sorry i haven’t done much” yknow…idk maybe i am asking for a lot i don’t know too

gonna post my ig story below for ref, thought about it since last night.

rn idk, i had more time to think and like i am more than ok to do all the planning, but ofc the people pleaser side of me will get worried that everyone else won’t like the plans and eventually i get so scared to plan anything without approval from others. but yknow at the same time i also get worried if things don’t go fully my way, in the sense that if i feel like i’m out of control or out of safety nets, it’ll be absolute hell for me. but if i don’t ask for approval before setting plans in stone, it’ll also be hell. but that also means i need to check in on safety nets and everything else. and that means i end up being less independent in this planning and yes planning should take more than one person and everyone should be somewhat involved right? yeah but yknow i just cannot let things go fully sometimes because having other people involved also means i cannot set up my backup plans sometimes or maybe things will bounce back and forth and idk but then if they don’t bounce and if i don’t get feedback i will also suffer. but if i’m less independent in the planning, and in the end the others have to get involved then i guess i might as well have not planned it myself to begin with. but if i don’t do anything to plan a bit before everyone i won’t be able to get a sensing of what is comfortable to explore with everyone too. but if i do my research and check on things while in that phase, i also end up having too much time spent on it and then i get frustrated if the thing gets removed eventually because it feels like a wasted effort and time wasted that i could have spent on other work if i just knew it wasn’t going to be liked by others. but idk its such a weird feeling that i always over complicate for myself and it happens so often it’s so exhausting to be in my head

[tenderturquoise]

maybe if i close my eyes hard enough it would be ok and i wouldn’t be spiralling again i thought it was fine idk i think i was getting better last week after the last spiral like sometime ago in early nov but idk why i feel it crashing again idk this is really not it

[tenderturquoise]

so random i feel my heart sinking down into the depths of hell again but i really don't know why, i don't know how this happened