to start with, I got incredibly drunk today at 11 AM but everything was too much. I didn’t eat but one chocolate today, I can’t touch food right now. My body doesn’t want it. I’ve lost 28 pounds in the last two months. I’m walking on a minefield and I’m terrified all the time. What is my purpose? Every single time I feel like I’ve found it, it slips out of my fingers.
I spent two nights in the hospital this past week due to very abnormal T waves in my EKG. When I stand up, my legs, arms fingers and toes turn red and purple and swell. This happened the other night and my pulse soared to 162 within seconds.
I went to the ER with those symptoms plus a tremor in my right arm and leg specifically, trouble speaking and confusion. They found the abnormal t waves on my first EKG. I was so scared I was crying and the lady asked if I’d had one before. She didn’t know I’ve had so many it makes me feel sick to think about it
but this time felt different. I really felt like this was it. I was all alone and so fucking scared. If I’d had someone with me, I think I may have been less teary. Who knows. They monitored me for those two days. They kept injecting me with something that caused the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had in my life, plus hallucinating.
They’d then wheel me over to wait for the frequent xrays and EKGs and the tile floor looked like the ocean. I remembered being younger, running around in a bikini on the beach. I wondered how I got here and got the overwhelming urge to rip out my IV and just bleed out on the floor.
In the end it turns out my heart is perfectly healthy, as are my lungs. This is my brain, they said, and they let me know that if they tried calling a neurologist to the hospital I’d be waiting until I dropped dead of old age. At least that made me laugh.
When I got out I felt the sun on my skin, which is nearly impossible to tolerate now. My body hates it, I get dizzy and itchy immediately. It felt nice for a moment before my system reminded me that we don’t like it. I ripped my vape sitting on the ground under cover as I waited for my ride. My one act of rebellion, aside from the occasional hard drugs and binge drinking. How could I not? What’s it gonna do, kill me? Ha
my own body is trying to suffocate me. I haven’t been able to play darts in a few weeks. I fainted today and barely missed cracking my head on the dresser. I’m filled with terror. When I wake and it’s cold my hands lock up, curled inward like I’m making a fist. My nails have turned paper white and my lunula have disappeared. I get infections so easily now that I feel trapped in my home.
the doctor who was working on my case tried absolutely everything to find a diagnosis for me. This past visit she was very quiet and eventually told me that this is out of her specialty, that I need a neurologist. She wrote me a referral and uploaded it to my portal.
“assess for MS” was the note left. My heart dropped into my stomach and I felt myself almost dry heave. Why the fuck is this happening to me? I then researched and wouldn’t ya know, I fit it to a T. I know I have brain damage due to extensive lack of oxygen to the brain when I was born. My mother tells me sometimes “you’re lucky that midwife delivered you fast because you almost came out r*tard3d” (don’t want to get flagged)
I know I have lesions in my brain where the speech aspect is handled, hence the lifelong stutter. It has been so bad lately because not knowing for sure whats disabling you is obviously…well, similar to slowly eating yourself bite by bite
and in true schmemily fashion, I fall apart. Never strong enough to stand on my own two legs. I’ve done it many times, but I’ve never done it without destroying myself in the process because my anxiety won’t stop
I feel at times like my stomach is just consuming itself as I sit trying so hard to think happy thoughts. I wonder if I’m dying, and if I am dying will I be a fleeting memory?
or
Will I be the bad chapter in nearly every life I touched?
there’s something about being very, very sick that makes you reflect on every bad decision you’ve made that screwed you along the way. That hurt people. That kept you from the dreams you hold in your heart even if they’re not so realistic anymore
all I ever wanted was a loving husband, to give that husband children of our own, and to have a safe place that was all ours. I feel that I’ve chased security for so many years, making any choice I felt would get me closer to it, that I threw all my best years to the wind
if I find out I’m dying, I can’t lie, it’s game over. I’ll likely try those iv droogs that turn people into zombies on the streets. Fuck it, right? I’ve always been self defeating even before my body betrayed me, but when I have nothing to lose I so strongly fear what I will do
whatever I do, I can’t Kurt cobain it. That man had nads of steel. Or sorrow so strong it swallowed him while. Or perhaps a combination of both. Maybe jumping off the Portland bridge after the iv droogs is the way
I’m so so so so a shell of who I was before. I still look like me but I don’t feel like me. I don’t feel like fighting anymore. But I won’t give in now. Instead I’ll self medicate and listen to all the music that calms my soul
Music is to suffering what a good doctor is to someone like me. If I didn’t have it I fear I’d already have hit the streets looking for a score. Or ran my suv off the bridge. Who knows
all I know is that I’m so terrified I can barely sleep, the lack of sleep makes my body upset, and when my body is upset my mental is even more upset.
I’m terrified and I’m pretty close to having nothing to lose anymore.
I’d read back on this blog and fondly remember the lives I have lived. The people I have loved, even the ones who were cruel. The chapters of my life that brought me joy.
I’m so glad my father isn’t alive to see me this way. I fear it would break his heart and he had enough heartbreak during his time.
I’d give anything just to hear him call me Emmy again.
the strange things we remember from years long gone when we don’t know how many years we have left
