For people who haven’t seen Riverdale, guess which plot is made up:
An organ-harvesting cult puts on Heathers: The Musical
The main character’s dog’s saliva has super-healing powers
Small Fry attempts to avenge the death of his father, noted mafioso Papa Poutine
A dad attempts to scare his son straight with D&D, the ROTC, and fake poison
One of the characters discovers she has serial killer genes
A straight girl kisses a lesbian to save the world and discusses queerbaiting
After a breakup, a lesbian isolates in her gothic mansion and draws a fursona
The teen gang joins a school drag show to sell drugs known as jingle jangle
A bunch of teenagers get into the tickle porn business
I’ve watched Riverdale and just want to see the results
Thank you for your answers! Hopefully, you enjoyed a small peak into the unhinged wonder that is Riverdale. I know you brought a lot of joy to my life with your tags, replies, and messages. In the end, 5.5% of you got it right. The correct answer is: “The teen gang joins a school drag show to sell drugs known as jingle jangle.”
While there is a drug called jingle jangle (that looks like pixie sticks, by the way)—
—the main gang, the Southside Serpents, do not use a school drag show as a cover to sell it.
Here’s a breakdown of the rest:
An organ-harvesting cult puts on Heathers: The Musical (In some ways, this is a step up from the previous year when they put on Carrie: The Musical, and the student who played Carrie was stabbed to death mid-show by a serial killer who is trying to rid the town of sin. Her corpse was then hung up for everyone to see as a warning. Oh, by the way, her crime was taking some jingle jangle.)
The main character’s dog’s saliva has super-healing powers (Everyone who was in a house that exploded developed superpowers. The dog is included in this.)
Small Fry attempts to avenge the death of his father, noted mafioso Papa Poutine (Other memorable names in the Riverdale universe include: Mad Dog, Baby Teeth, and Peaches ‘N Cream.)
A dad attempts to scare his son straight with D&D, the ROTC, and fake poison (Stick with me because this explanation is long and convoluted, but the gist is—the town of Riverdale has a live-action roleplaying game called G&G, which is modeled after D&D, and everyone gets addicted to playing it. They don't fully explain that part, but I’m pretty sure it has to do with jingle jangle? ANYWAY, there is a figure in the game called the Gargoyle King, and someone is dressing up as him and going around murdering people in the town of Riverdale to "keep them in check." One of the characters is gay, and his dad is the head of the RROTC. He pretends to be fine with his son being gay but isn't, and he enlists the RROTC to put on gargoyle masks and kidnap his son and his son’s boyfriend. The dad dresses up as the Gargoyle King and essentially threatens to kill them using poisoned chalices—the M.O. of the real murderous Gargoyle King. But before they can drink it, he gets unmasked Scooby-Doo-style and the below happens.)
One of the characters discovers she has serial killer genes (My favorite part about this is that Betty, pictured below, later discovers that the guy she's been hooking up with, her coworker at the FBI Academy, has been secretly writing a thesis about her family titled: "Family of darkness: Varying displays of the serial killer gene in the Cooper family tree.")
A straight girl kisses a lesbian to save the world and discusses queerbaiting (By the way, this is because, even though she might otherwise die, Cheryl refuses to cut her skin with a knife. So the alternative for transferring powers is... making out?)
After a breakup, a lesbian isolates in her gothic mansion and draws a fursona (To be fair, I oversold this as a “plot,” but you do see several shots of Cheryl’s fursona after she isolates in her gothic mansion and mourns the loss of her beloved TT!)
A bunch of teenagers get into the tickle porn business (Yeah. No comment.)
And that’s what you missed on Glee Riverdale!
Some other plot highlights include:
A main character tells a story about how he fell into a sinkhole and was only spared by the Rat King (who ruled the sewers) by essentially becoming his bard and telling him stories to entertain him. It is unclear how true this story is.
There is a whole plot following Betty's estranged brother, Charles. Her family thinks that they find him, but he turns out to be a murderous psychopath named Chic (who is dating the real Charles). Charles is also a serial killer (serial killer genes, am I right?), but both he and Chic get caught and sent to prison. Later, during a prison outbreak, Chic and Charles escape to Betty's house, and Betty's mom marries them off. They then play a game called "Pincushion Man" and attempt to get Betty's 9-year old niece to stab Betty's former fling (the one who wrote the thesis on her family) in order to ignite the 9-year-old's dark side and make her embrace her serial killer genes.
Betty and her boyfriend burn down her boyfriend's former trailer home, which is now being used as a drug lab by his mother. They have sex in the car as it burns to the ground about 5 feet away from them and then rush back to school to join the final group number of the musical, Heathers (the one put on by the organ-harvesting cult).
In order to try lure a serial killer (in case you're not seeing the pattern, this show has many of them), the main characters throw a serial killer convention called Slaughter-Con. The characters sing songs from American Psycho: The Musical (whose book was, incidentally, written by the creator of Riverdale).
One of the character's younger sisters (12-ish) misses her brother's attention, so she starts creating fake snuff movies, recreating actual traumatic deaths faced by all the characters, and anonymously sends them in video tape form as threatening messages. This is meant to be a fun mystery for her brother to solve that will then bring them closer together.
The main character fights a bear. Like with his hands. And wins.
