[tfddhjkgfz]

Life is rough and even rougher when you can’t stop ripping your body to shreds and roughest when your boyfriend dumps you (partially bc of the body shredding thing) (fuck) (my) (life)

[tfddhjkgfz]

Lamenting the years lost to abuse I think I’m going to die soon

[tfddhjkgfz]

Have u ever had the epiphany that you’ve been mistaking narcissistic abuse for love this whole fucking time?? And now that u can see, u realize ur nothing more than a dog, a pet to your parents? Holy fuck. I’m 30 how the fuck did it take me so long to figure it out

[tfddhjkgfz]

Nothing is fucking real

[cyberxbattalion]

[tfddhjkgfz]

Posted on the skincare Reddit asking about my skin and within 3 minutes it turned into people telling me I need to go on antipsychotics and urging me to see a doctor promptly (all of this was very warranted in their defense and they are absolutely right). I get this message on Instagram all the damn time tumblr is the only place I can fuckin post without someone sending a cop to my house to do a wellness check.

Anyway. I think I was in and out of psychosis today. I’ve been in it before and it feels the same but I know that I’m right. I keep hallucinating and thinking im seeing things out of the corner of my eye and hearing voices and I fucking hate it. I’m going fucking crazy. I’m losing touch with reality so devastatingly, I just want someone to fucking LISTEN to me and talk to me and explain to me if I’m fucking right or wrong and show me evidence because I don’t fucking know what to believe

[tfddhjkgfz]

[tfddhjkgfz]

Something needs to change in my life

[tfddhjkgfz]

I am praying for death. Everyday I become more and more suicidal. I’m hurting myself more and more. I don’t care about my life anymore.

[tfddhjkgfz]

Always always always covered in blood for this fucking mystery mold disease that I might as well just die for already. Fuck

[tfddhjkgfz]

[tfddhjkgfz]

Brand name Adderall is so evil. I can’t stop destroying my face. It’s such a horrible addiction. I’m not going to be able to see my best friends this weekend bc I fucked up my face again. Its all so sad

[tfddhjkgfz]

The stomach feels like such a disgusting organ eating disorder wise when ur high idk. When im starving and get high if i have an empty stomach and its starting to hurt bc I haven’t eaten so long its all i can focus on how painful and uncomfortable and just. bad it feels while reflecting on how horrible it is how i do this to myself and think a lot about what this means about how i treat myself. Im so bad at taking care of my body and meeting its basic needs its aching in pain because you went three days without food and are feeling week. I thought getting high would feel nice but all it did was make me feel more deeply the feeling of my stomach eating itself.

[tfddhjkgfz]

V interested in starving to death

[tfddhjkgfz]

It doesn’t give me a fraction of joy as it would have 10 years ago but I’ve lost I think 30+ lbs since moving back home w my parents, my scale read that I lost 10lbs since April started which would have thrilled 15 year old me or 19 year old me or 21 year old me but it’s nothing to be but a little hobby I think about sometimes. The scale showed that a lot of that weight loss was from muscle loss. I can feel my body significantly weakening, I get dizzy so easily and lose my breath walking up a flight of stairs, I have to drink protein shakes and ensures regularly so that I don’t pass out. It gives me such a minor amount of pleasure but I’m not going to stop doing it bc any pleasure feels good no matter how small, and anything I can use to fill that massive fucking hole I’m damned with is good enough for me. This is what I’ve always wanted as someone who is a self proclaimed bulimic, and I’m too numb to enjoy it.

[tfddhjkgfz]

When the only time u can be productive and happy and joyful and active and actually fight ur fucking depression and make progress in ur life is when u take ur Adderall and Wellbutrin (new discovery this month!). But u aren’t prescribed enough of either so it lasts for a week and a half max and if you would let urself cry u would sob ur brains out bc ur so close to the solution, so close to solving the problem but u have to be so tactful n careful n smart n responsible about how u do it and it’s so fucking exhausting to even think about when I run out.

If I ever let myself cry as much as I’ve wanted to this past week or maybe month I would sob for so many fuckin hours it hurts just to think about.

[tfddhjkgfz]

All it took was these three messages, spaced out across an hour but said within the same conversation…I have never lost feelings for a dude so hard and so fucking fast holy shit. Talking talking to me in a tone that is condescending, belittling, or mocking is the surest way to make sure you will never see another one of my nudes as long as you live, and you fucking just waved goodbye to the one chance you had to fuck me. :)