Rebalancing

The thoughts and feelings that come around when you're facing a blue period. It's time to talk about the good, bad and downright ugly stuff that can run around the mind.

[tgbalance-blog]

September 23, 2015

First day of fall

9.5

              I really feel like I could have had a 10 day today but I just had to ruin it by starting my lady bits construction time. BOO!!! It was a beautiful day out and I didn’t even mind waking up early to wash my hair (for those who don’t know me washing my hair is a big deal), and shaving my legs. I even wore a skirt to work.

              It was a great day at the office, I really wish it wasn’t such a crappy economy because then I could ask my boss for more hours. He allowed me time to meet with friends and family so that I could rock out some new clients. I had yet to do this in the almost four months I have been with the company but I’m confident I managed to sign up at 4 friends today. It never occurred to me that I was going about this the wrong way. I was feeling pressure to perform but I wasn’t, I was failing tests so I couldn’t move up in the company. But my boss was very reassuring even though I know he was losing one of our biggest clients to the biggest loser.

              I somehow felt that I needed to make it up to my boss and go out and get people to replace that one family. The people I managed to talk to will never make up the loss of that one family but my boss was grateful for my effort and seemed impressed that I managed to handle myself alone. I like the feeling of being a useful member of my boss’s team.

              What made this day even better was that I know I am now helping my friends save money for the future I will be able to assist them with their future hopes and dreams. I know that sounds a little over the top but I that is really how it made me feel. I don’t make commission so that also makes others feel that I’m doing this for their best intentions.

              I felt so great that the cramps that signaled the start of my period went barely noticed, and when it started I didn’t even feel the normal upset failure  that normal comes with it. I felt too great that I didn’t even mind that I likely got a parking ticket because I was dumb enough to rush and forget to pay for parking. When I started driving I didn’t even mind that my husband had gone golfing for the third time in as many days. The sun was shining and it was warm on my face the leaves have mostly changed colour but are still hanging onto the trees so it makes it seem so beautiful outside that all you want to do it stay out.

              I pulled up to the house and the dogs were barking and going crazy like they always do and it hit me on such a nice day I should walk them. I got in the door and went straight to the room to change when I saw it…. Mr Kitty’s first hair ball. A new cat owner should be warned about things like this. I actually thought my cat had eaten poop and then puked it back up just based on the shape. When I used a bag to pick it up I almost screamed from the way in mushed in my hand and broke apart. I don’t know what made me look down but I guess it’s good I did or I wouldn’t have known it was hair. I called the vet to ask if there was anything I could do to prevent hair balls and the girl all but laughed at me and stated “welcome to cat ownership.” One every couple of weeks should be considered within normal range. Sweet. And yet this whole puked up hair thing still didn’t manage to ruin my day.

              Jeans on and out the door we go… normally I hate walking more than one dog at a time but today was a cloud nine kinda day I guess and I was loving it. The sun beating down on the dogs and I, the smells of autumn all around. It was prefect why not go through the treed area and straight to the dog park. We barely made it into the trees before I let the dogs go and they took of chasing each other they seemed just as happy as I was. We walked around the dog park and watching the dogs being to so happy made me feel even better about the day. I could see it on Bear’s face all he wanted to do was go for a swim so I took the dogs to water and off they all went. They didn’t even think twice. Bear was like a little kid at the beach, I love when the Hawaii dog comes through in him, I knew we would be there for a while so just took a seat on a rock and waited. They bounded around in the water getting out only to chase other dogs and shake. Man we’re they ever happy!

               I gave them about 30 minutes then took them away from the water so they might have a chance to dry before we got home. They ran and chased just about anything they could. A falling leaf was like crack for them. We ran into a few other dogs and owners and I got the usual questions of “what kinda dogs are those?” and “where did that one come from?” People always seem to be scared on Bear until they realize he is completely harmless. We’ve now been out for a walk for about an hour so it’s time to head on home. I let the dog’s burn off the last of their energy in the treed area right up to the street. They get back on leashes without any trouble. And they drag my tired ass up the final hill. They get in the house and drink up all the water in every bowl before they all pass out on the bed.

              I figure that I won’t have a better chance to write me landlord to inform her that my husband and I are considering moving out in the next couple months. I’m still in a great mood so I leave out the fact that the mold in the house is scary and the constant construction next door has finally pushed me over the edge. I ask my landlord for assistants in finding a place nearby. I even mention that all be sad to leave this cute old house (not a lie) but we feel that we might need something a little bigger.

              She didn’t email me back tonight, hopefully her email still works. And the reason today isn’t a full 10 outta 10 is because I called my dream house but he didn’t pick up or email me back either. But that still didn’t get me down. My husband cooked up perfect meal and we even had enough left over for me to take for lunch tomorrow. Hopefully I won’t forget it.

We are now sitting with the dogs and Mr. Kitty watching season two of the X-files. My husband went out to get candy which I am sad to admit I destroyed along with a Cherry Coke. Again all in all a pretty good day.

Sorry for the boring read tonight but I sure hope I have more days like this one. Here is my happy thought for tonight…. 

                                      “Well I see trees of Green and red roses too.

                                        I’ll watch them bloom for me and you

                                        And I think to myself

                                        What a Wonderful world.”

[tgbalance-blog]

September 22, 2015

Hello McDonald’s!!!

7.5

Today was a day of not much….. and that is a dangerous thing for me.

I started the day by sleeping in till almost noon, thank you! I know you guys are jealous. After finally figuring out I couldn’t sleep anymore I went on to looking at new places that the husband and I could move to. A home that maybe wouldn’t been surrounded by construction or have a basement full of mould. Fingers crossed. I found more than a few dream homes but I heard nothing back. So I guess the hunt will continue tomorrow.

After I was done looking at homes I showered and got ready and went downtown for my chiropractor’s appointment… strangely enough I never used to believe in chiropractors but man they sure do work fast. The doctor made his normal jokes and forcefully snapped my body back into place. I will admit I hate what the doctor does during the appointment but I sure to love how I feel after.

Following the snap I went downstairs to visit my brother who seems to suffer from the same mood swings as me. He was in his normal grumpy work self but everyone else seemed to be in good spirits and going back to my old work place always seems to cheer me up. Something about walking into a place where all the staff is excited and happy to see me. My brother and I chat about work things and what we should do about him working too much. I manage to snag a free late lunch (SCORE!) and it’s always nice to see my brother. Even though we fought almost all the time when we worked together I still miss seeing him and to be honest I miss fighting with him.  

It’s around 3:45 and I have to head home and get ready for work so I start making my way to my car…. What a mistake I made parking at the down town mall. I see all the sale signs and I’m like a kid in a candy store. Have you ever noticed that when you having a slow day or a bad one you do something that you think will make you feel better… this is what shopping is for me. I was upset to hear about my brother’s unhappiness and I didn’t want to go work so why not take a look at my favorite store. I took about 5 steps towards the store and there it was, the sweater of my dreams!!! Getting that, score 30% off even better. The discount makes it totally justifiable. Might as well not try it on… I’ll just get it. But what is this? This shirt is the perfect shade of blue and its nice and light… 60% off all sale items, yep. Well I guess I can just take a look at the back sale section, I mean it is 60% off… wrong choice. I left the store only spending 197.98 and I have to say I do like what I got… but why do I feel so guilty? Oh because I shouldn’t be shopping I should be repaying my debt. And the cycle or being poor begins again… spend faster than I can repay. When will I learn?

I look down at my watch 4:16, now I have managed to spend money I shouldn’t and I will now be late for work. Good job retard. I rush home and refuse to bring the guilty new outfits inside, I can maybe sneak them past my husband later. Bad bad bad! But it’s time to head off to work. Make sure you don’t speed you can’t afford the ticket!

I get to work with time to spare so I settle in and get ready, somehow I forgot that I am working with the manager that doesn’t really like me… god I hope it’s busy so I won’t have to deal with her much. Her fakeness is overwhelming. Slow start to our dinner service. Bored…. Bored…. Bored. It finally starts picking up around 6 and I do my work with very little thought. Serving is a simple pass time for me. It requires very little thought and even less effort, smile ring in, run food, check on, bring bill, complete. Around 8 I ask to be cut at which I get and home time is around the corner. But then it happens anger TG is bubbling from far below I am HANGER!!!!!!!!!!

Half an hour has never gone by so slow. I must have food! Now! I text my husband to see what he is up to, maybe he will come have dinner with me so I won’t have to eat alone. No response. Getting really grumpy. Table asks me for low sodium soy. Ya like that’s gonna save your big asses! Oh man it’s happening I’m like a volcano ready to explode I must leave. I cut out of work at 8:27 (sorry) but it is for the greater good, I get to the car and call my husband, nothing. I call his other phone he picks up (“where the hell have you been? Why wouldn’t you answer me? Who are what are you doing? What is more important than me?!?!”) hi babe I’m just finishing and heading home but I’m going to grab my last guilty pleasure of the day MCDONALD’S!!! My husband doesn’t judge and even says he will join me. Phew.

I speed all the way to the closest McDonald’s to our house, I literally almost ran a man over in the parking lot. I order way too much but I know I will eat it and feel bad later but I don’t care. “Would you like an apple pie for $1.39?” Do I dare? “I’ll take two.” I can sense the judgment in the girl’s voice but what do I care. McDonald’s is all of three blocks away from the houses but in that short drive I manage to eat one of the apple pies. I consider eating the second, I mean that way my husband wouldn’t even know that I ordered them. Discipline TG discipline. I arrive home and barely say hi before I sit down on the living room floor and dig in. Shame. But I even have to nerve to ask if I can eat my husband’s apple pie, oh I’m such a lady. I don’t want to make you sick so I won’t tell you everything that I ate, all you need to know is yes I am ashamed of myself. But I am no longer hungry. I strongly believe that I will also not need to eat McDonald’s for another month.

It is now almost 10:30 and I’m slowly getting ready for bed. I don’t want a repeat of last night. I will watch tv for another little bit and possibly draw penis’ on my husband’s face while he sleeps on the couch. The rest of the night is a game yet to be played. Maybe I’ll just tickle his feet till he rolls off the couch. Oh all the possible options.

Have a good night and I will be back tomorrow to spill the day’s events. Hopefully nothing to crazy but you never really know. Always remember that you must first spin a strong yarn before you can weave a good tale. Night

[tgbalance-blog]

September 21, 2015

Look who has a “Case of the Monday’s”

7

I was woken up this morning by the sound of a crashing baby gate on hard wood floor. Not the best way to be woken. This sounds was quickly followed by feet stepping all over me. Dogs begging for their breakfast is no way to be woken on a Monday. But soon I was dozing off to sleep again with the happy knowledge that I wouldn’t have to wake up for almost 3 more hours. WRONG!!!

Que the husband… I understand that I am not the only who doesn’t like to wake up Monday but come on how many times can one person hit snooze!!! Around the four or possibly fifth snooze I am quickly entering into irritated TG mode. Every time the alarm goes off the dogs go into full blown hyper they must be getting up to fed us craziness. Stepping on everything and anything in their path… this makes me wonder why I didn’t put up the second gate at our door (like that would stop them). Breath. Breath TG. Breath.

A few hours later I wake up to a sight I can’t believe. Our new Cat is cuddling with our biggest monster. Puts a smile on your face. I proceed with my normal work day routine of checking my phone for emails, text or calls… zero. I then move on to looking at my facebook and Instagram… such an exciting start. I come across a picture on my favorite beach in Maui and it feels like a small stab somehow. This marks the first time in over 10 years that I haven’t gone to Hawaii (cry me a river I know) but Hawaii is a place that sooths me.

This is normally how a rough day would start, an overly harsh awakening followed by a cold reminder that I am not living my dream, but hey who wouldn’t that effect? For those of you that don’t know how depression works it’s rather simple, every day is really a completely different challenge. Like most people it doesn’t take a lot to set you off and create a “bad day” but unlike other people recovering from that set off can take days or weeks and in some cases longer.

I am currently going through one of my ‘Lower Periods.” This might be the reason why I’m writing at 3:20 am. The effects of an erratic mind. I can feel this lower period coming to an end, but again it doesn’t take much to fire it up again. I believe I can pin point the beginning of this low to Monday August 31, 2015. That was the day that I began yet another miscarriage. I was flying high that day having a great time I had managed to have a great month with only a few dark days but then it happened… I was leaving work and I felt that numbing pain come to a full blown kick and gush of warm made me feel like I peed my pants. I knew what it was but I didn’t want to let it affect me so I did my best to ignore it and drove home. When I got home I prepared for what I knew would start in the next couple hours, this wasn’t my first and according to 3 different doctors it wouldn’t be my last. Around 9:45 the real show started and I did what I normally do I lay around and wait for it to pass. Since I have never made it past 8 weeks it normally goes by pretty quick. And I tell myself that it’s all good, just another bump in the road. I tell this to myself while crying uncontrollably.

After around my 4 miscarriage I stopped actually telling my husband. I can see how this seems weird if not down right bad, but he has gotten to a point that he himself doesn’t need to be told. He, like me, just knows. He holds me while it happens and tells me it’ll be okay and that it’ll happen when it happens. I don’t have to heart to tell him that those words sting just as much as the physical pain I’m going through. It never gets easier. For some reason it hurts more everything time.

For the next couple days I up my meds as recommended by the Dr. I wait around for the “fog to clear” or at least the thickest part of the fog so that I can go about my daily living. I surround myself with my family while forcing my husband to keep his at bay. I just can’t handle seeing his family because I believe they won’t understand me. They have never done anything mean to me, ever. But again a depressed mind can warp just about anything into something. I fear my husband friends like the plague because I know all they will ask is when will we being having kids and we better get moving. I feel like a robot I have very little control I become the happiest fake person in the world after a miscarriage.

Now after that lovely rant I would like to fast forward back to present day. I have just finished my lunch shift at work when my boss lets me know that I have again managed to over step my boundaries with another manager. I’m getting irritated again. But then we go to get our nails done and my irritations mellows. This is a good sign… this means I managing my feels. Low TG would have allowed this to become a point of explosion but I take it stride and enjoy my new nail colours. There has to be some irony in the fact that I picked dark colors for my hands and blue for my toes….

It was a less than exciting night shift but still better than the week before. I am on my way home when my husband calls to inform me that he would like to chat. When I get home we chat about how he feels that he has not be handling our losses correctly. He believes that I has not been supportive enough and that after talking to a friend (one I’ll admit to not being the biggest fan of) he has gained a different prospective of how I might be feeling. He reminds me that though having our own kids would be unbelievable he married me for me and he doesn’t want anything affect that. What a GREAT MAN!!!!!

Most of the things he brings up I hadn’t given much thought, but one was something that had been bothering me but I had been trying to handle myself. Without getting into too much detail tears were had and feelings aired out. Man that feels good! It makes me wonder why I keep things inside and to myself when I know it would feel better if I just let them out.

I hope I haven’t bored you with my first post… or creep you out. Hopefully tomorrow will be more interesting but who knows. I would like to leave every entry with a happy thought though….. so here it is….. I’m pretty sure I married a saint!!

[tgbalance-blog]

Hello Everyone.... Anyone.

My name is TGBlance and I will be challenging myself with the task of writing my feelings out for one whole year. I should give you the heads up that I am not a writer… I repeat I am not a writer! There will be grammatical errors, horrifying spelling mistakes and downright horrible structure. I apologize.

                I would like to give you some background so that you might understand why I have created a task such as this. Three reasons, first I suffer from the inability to follow things through. Second I am a person living with depression. Third and most importantly I wish to no longer suffer from bouts of sadness!

                I don’t want to scare people away, or make them feel bad for me. Please understand I am not having a life and death struggle with my depression I merely strive to find a more balanced way to overcome my illness. I am a person living with a mental illness but I will not allow my illness to define me.

                I will grade every post on a scale of 1 to10 1 being the low and 10 being happy.

                I can’t promise that all these post will me great reads or even enjoyable but they will be honest. I can promise however that not all the posts will be doom and gloom, I will more than likely have just as many happy rainbow and butterfly posts.

                So I hope that if nothing else in one years’ time you will at least have had a few laughs.

(I’m sorry if I hurt people’s feelings, if I upset you, if make you question yourself. This is a medically proven way to help address and manage triggers and cycles of depression.)

[spread-meditation]

Slow progress is still progress

Patience is the best meditation

[tgbalance-blog]

And it starts