@th3pumpkinqween-blog - Tumblr Blog

I think I'm done writing. Not just in roleplay but as a whole. I'm done begging for consistency just to be told over and over and over, "I'm going through a lot." "I'm tired." "I don't have any motivation." For literally months and months. I may sound insensitive but I can only hear that so many times before I stop believing you.

I don't know what I do wrong. What I did wrong. I am nothing but understanding a majority of the time and I've started to notice that people take advantage of that. People go through stuff. I get it. Writer's block is a real thing, I get it. However it's different when your talking and writing and interacting with everyone else just not a certain person. You may think they don't notice but they do.

I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of my kindness and empathy being taken advantage of. I'm tired of being excited when no one else is. I'm done.

I'm done. Just completely done.

how long is depression supposed to last?

#{ leave a rose 🥀 ; mun post }

i'm over being a writer. i'm over being an artist. because turns out i'm not actually good at either of those. not enough to keep people around anyways. so, what's the point? why should i keep trying?

#{ leave a rose 🥀 ; mun post }

i think im done with writing

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Sometimes I wonder if me missing this place is just a side-effect of how lonely I feel.

#{ leave a rose 🥀 ; mun post }

confessionsofa-roleplayer

I spent all afternoon finishing my pages and presented my finished work proudly. I announced to be active for memes and interactions. I was so motivated and ready to work on things. Not a single mutual reacted. I could just go offline and walk away to do something else and no one would give a fuck. My motivation to do anything rp related died instantly. That's why so many people quit or go on indefinite hiatuses. You don't appreciate your partners, AT ALL.

What's my problem? My problem is that it doesn't matter how long I hang out with someone and it doesn't matter how much fun we had, I will always believe that the other person was miserable and hated every second of being in my presence.

Another problem, reassurance does very little to ease my nerves. You can tell me over and over that you aren't angry, you aren't annoyed, you're not uninterested. I can't and I don't believe you.

#{ leave a rose 🥀 ; mun post }

I want to dissappear. Out of thin air. Like I was never here to begin with. Maybe then I'll be able to find the joy I had so long ago. Or maybe I won't feel just....so much pain. Maybe I won't cause so much damage to the people around me. Maybe then I won't be such a burden to others.

I ruin everything.

i wish i didn't always feel like this.

#{ leave a rose 🥀 ; mun post }

Finally after over a month of applications, phone tag and pharmacy hopping, I can finally have my insulin. Yes, insulin. I am diabetic and have been without my medication for over a month and no one in the Healthcare systems even tried to help me. Not even with an emergency vial or insulin pen. American Healthcare is a scam. Thankfully, the pharmacist who i spoke with today was actually caring and understanding and she ultimately made sure that I could get it. America has a serious problem when it come to the overall wellbeing of its people and its that they don't care as long as they can milk every last cent out of us.

Let's hope 2026 is the year of change. Good change. Positive change. Not only individuals but for the national as a whole. We all deserve a break from this seemingly never-ending nightmare.

#{ leave a rose 🥀 ; mun post }

I wonder if I'm the only person here who's never truly felt part of the RPC. A lot of people I see get welcomed so easily. Coddled. And cared about by so many. Yet, anytime I've tried to be a part of that, I get shunned. I get ignored. I get ostracized. At first I thought it was because I only had OCs. I didn't have a fancy lay out. I didn't have a whole page of links. No, it's not any of that. It's because the RPC isn't about community, it's about clique and status. Who cares if you're a genuine person who just wants to make friends and write and have fun? If you don't fit into their standards you might as well abandon your blog. Which happened to me. I tried for years to be part of something I thought would accept me but, clearly and per usual, I'm just not good enough.

#{ leave a rose 🥀 ; mun post }

What do i hate today?

I hate that I let other people ruin the things I used to love for me. I hate that I bond over things with people just for them to ghost me or just leave me. I used to love so many things but I let attach it to a person who probably never cared about me in the first place. And no I can't stand to watch it.

#🥀 hazbin hotel used to be my favorite show and now i get nauseous just thinking about it #🥀 i used to be really into anime more than i am now but it feels like i'm ostracized #🥀 i used to love drawing and art. but i was told i wasn't any good. and i haven't picked up a pencil or a sketch book in years.#🥀 am i so weakminded that i need another party to genuinely enjoy things?#🥀 or am i so pathetic that i let people have that mucj control over things i used to love on my own?

All I want to do is scream. Throw things. Punch things. Yell. All these emotions are ready to burst but I have no safe place to release them. I don't think I ever have. Not even here. This isn't a safe place. Safe space. No where is a safe place me to express my feelings. I don't have anyone safe to spill my guts to. All I get is a lecture in return. I get therapy shoved down my throat. All the kind words are lies. A filter to hide how annoyed and disgusted everyone is with me truly. They don't want to help me because they care, they don't care. They just want me to shut up. To be silent. To hide my pain so it doesn't make them uncomfortable. What's worse is that they don't even have the guts to actually say it. They hide behind empathy and compassion like they're shields for their disdain.

I just want to be loved and cared about. I guess that's too much to ask for even the people who claim to be close to me and want what's good for me. Because it's clearly not true. I could disappear tomorrow and no one would miss me. No one would bat an eye. No one would check on me. I check on everyone and here I am in the dust and the dark just wishing someone would care enough to ask if I'm okay. The answer is no. It's always been no. I don't think I've ever been okay since I was 11. I'm 24. When will my life stop being this dark and empty and cold void that I don't know what to do with?

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