i remember you was conflicted
misusing your influence
sometimes, i did the same...
- kendrick lamar | to pimp a butterfly
the summer of 2010 brought about a number of realizations. one of them was that i wanted to become a public defender after i passed the bar. but the more significant realization was that i wanted to be known. known as the greatest trial attorney of my generation. i felt i had the raw talent to do it. just needed the right place to hone it.
as an impressionable intern, i saw the doors that opened for lawyers who had a reputation as a great trial attorney. they pretty much could call the shots for the rest of their career. work on big cases. draw attention from law schools who wanted them to teach on their campuses. each accomplishment leading to a more prestigious responsibility.
when all would be said and done, it would be known that i was the greatest. and i wouldn’t have to say a word.
i got a bone to pick
i don't want you monkey mouth motherfuckers sittin in my throne again!
- kendrick lamar | king kunta
hip hop is steeped in competition. in it’s infancy, battles would break out among artists to determine who ruled the day. or the era. MCs would rap in circles (ciphers) to see who could snap off the best lines. DJs would take turns seeing who could come up with the slickest combinations of scratches and blends, or who could make the crowd react with the next record to touch the needle. breakdancers would show off moves for hours to see who could contort themselves best to the rhythm.
i grew up a fan of hip hop. i loved having to rewind tapes to capture a line that just blew my mind. or to the favorite part of the song where the producer does something to the record that totally changes the feeling of it.
and aside from the music that was the soundtrack to my upbringing, hip hop always seems to attract discussions of “who’s the best” or some iteration of it. everyone has their own subjectivity of what artist is the best.
for most artists in hip hop, if you’re not trying to be the best, you shouldn’t bother.
i’m trapped inside the ghetto
and i ain’t proud to admit it
institutionalized, i keep runnin back for a visit
- kendrick lamar | institutionalized
if i was ever going to do something, i wanted to be the best. lack of talent be damned, i’d work my ass off at it. and at the end of the day, if i wasn’t the best despite my best efforts, so be it. but i’d drive and will myself to be the best and no one could stop me.
the legal profession is full of ego. so perhaps, this was the right profession for me to choose. no one believes they’re wrong. everyone believes they know it all. no one is above them. everyone is the best.
except when it comes to trial.
trial seems to be that one equalizer. of course, you have to have a certain amount of smarts to be a good trial attorney. but the best? not only are they prepared, but they just have the ability to own the room. the ability to be the calm in the middle of the storm. something doesn’t go your way? fine. i’m still in control here, and everyone in this courtroom knows it.
as a law school intern, i had the fortunate opportunity to learn from some of the best trial attorneys around. watching their attention to detail, their passion for strategy, i wanted that. i wanted to be the best.
being the best comes with a cost, of course. everyone had warned me that being a public defender comes with working long hours with little pay. oh well. that’s fine by me. it would be temporary. once i would become the best, this would be a footnote in my story.
it took jordan 7 years for his first title. so i knew being the best would take time.
the world don’t need u
don’t let them deceive u
numbers lie too
fuck your pride too
that’s for dedication
thought money would change u
made you more complacent
i fuckin hate u
i hope u embrace it
- kendrick lamar | u
i’ve become that fan. the one that believes that the music of my teenage and college years were the “golden era” of music, hip hop and r&b in particular. that the younger generations don’t have an appreciation for good music. for substantive lyrics. for albums that are cohesive. for incredible story tellers.
i’ve slowly gotten over that. there are a number of newer hip hop artists that i really appreciate.
kendrick lamar is one of them.
his first album, good kid, maad city, was critically acclaimed. many people compared this album to another critically acclaimed debut album, nas’ illmatic. so kendrick’s next album had some weighty expectations to live up to.
his latest album, to pimp a butterfly, does not compare to his debut album.
in fact, TPAB stands apart from GKMC in the best way possible. where GKMC felt like you were watching a movie and was incredibly cohesive from a storytelling standpoint, TPAB is different. to pimp a butterfly is the most important hip hop album to be released in quite some time.
regardless of genre, to pimp a butterfly is an important album for this generation.
without spoiling you of the experience of listening to the album, kendrick tackles the perils of being a star, the ails that african americans face in this current day and age, and the burden of being a person of influence.
he does all of this without sacrificing his lyrical and poetic ability, with an incredible sound to provide a backdrop for the emotions he is trying to convey.
it is certainly worth listening to, from start to finish.
guilt trippin and feelin resentment
i never met a transient that demanded attention
they got me frustrated, indecisive and power trippin
sour emotions got me lookin at the universe different
i should distance myself, i should keep it relentless
my selfishness is what got me here, who the fuck i’m kiddin
- kendrick lamar | how much a dollar cost
when i became a public defender 12 months ago, i thought it would be a continuation of the experience that i had as an intern 4 years prior. that i would be able to represent my clients by being the best trial attorney around. no matter the fact pattern, i would find a way to demonstrate that when the facts were in front of a jury, i would shine and my client would benefit because of my abilities.
my experience could be nothing further than what i expected. i’ve been to trial twice in 12 months. not by my choosing. but because more often than not, i get the results my clients demand.
but even this doesn’t capture what i’ve learned.
i benefit more from my clients more than they could ever benefit from me.
i’m humbled by the stories they come with. i constantly come away with a feeling of honor and privilege to be able to advocate for them in a system that is often stacked against them.
aside from wanting to be the best, i’ve often longed for a place in my professional career where i wouldn’t have to sacrifice who i am and i could be my true self. without looking over my shoulder. without filtering who i am. simply being. and using this to connect with people the best way i know how: by being honest.
i’ve learned more from working for my clients than i have ever learned in my life.
i’ve learned about how gripping chemical dependency can be. i’ve learned about how much people don’t know about mental illnesses. i’ve learned how severely undervalued and unappreciated social services are. i’ve learned how much people turn a blind eye to the complex dynamics of domestic violence. i’ve learned how individuals in positions of authority and power can abuse the discretion given to them. i’ve learned how all of this grossly incarcerates the poor and communities of color.
i’ve learned these things because for reasons unknown to me, my clients trust me. they open up to me. they’re honest with me because i go by my first name with them. i’m not their public defender. i’m not mr. so and so. and they’re not the defendant. or a case number.
they have a first name, too.
and the world don't respect you
and the culture don't accept you
but you think it's all love
and the girls gon neglect you
once your parody is done
reputation can't protect you if you never had one
jealousy (complex)
emotional (complex)
self-pity (complex)
under oath (complex)
the loudest one in the room, that's a complex
let me put it back in proper context
- kendrick lamar | you ain’t gotta lie (momma said)
kendrick recognizes the walls and the facade that artists try to put up to be accepted by their audiences. and in the past 24 months of practicing, i’ve seen the ugly side of being in my profession. the lengths that people will go to in order to be recognized. the lack of civility in a profession that often demands it. the partition that seems to be drawn between who a person is with their clients and who they are when they are in the comfort of their homes.
there are times where i wonder, is this the right place for me. is this the profession for me? is there room in this profession for someone who doesn’t want to “play the game,” to make every single networking event, to do something to stand out amongst your peers, to keep track of wins and losses in case someone wants to judge you by your record and nothing more...
is there room for someone who just wants to serve their clients and nothing more?
if im tried in a court of law
if the industry cut me off
if the government want me dead
would you judge me a drug kid
or question my character
plant cocaine in my car
or see me as k-lamar
and degrade me on every blog
- kendrick lamar | mortal man
when my clients are sentenced, they’re essentially hitting the reset button on their lives. they become detached from society, expected to be rehabilitated within an arbitrary number of days that a judge believes will protect the community and allow society to be restored to its proper balance. or something like that.
and when they’re released, they’re trying to reclaim the individual that they were before their incarceration. and then to become something better. often, with less pillars of support.
and more often than not, they return to the community with the stigma of being a criminal.
i don’t care about being the best anymore.
if i’m good at trial, then great. if i’m good at being a public defender, that’s cool. and honestly, that doesn’t matter to me anymore.
for me, it’s about the stories. when i get to tell a client that their parents still love them, that there’s still love surrounding them despite their flaws and to keep their head up, that’s all that matters.
when i get to tell a client that it doesn’t matter what their being accused of, but it matters what they choose to do next, that’s all that matters.
when i get to tell a client that it’s been my utmost honor and privilege to serve them, that’s all that matters.
i relate to kendrick’s album because he’s already confident in his abilities as a MC. the debate of who is the best is not for him to argue. all he can control is what he creates.
all i can control is what i can create. i want my clients to know that someone in this system cares about them.
and that person that genuinely cares about them just happens to be a pretty decent attorney.
the caterpillar is a prisoner to the streets that conceived it
its only job is to eat or consume everything around it, in order to protect itself from this mad city
while consuming its environment the caterpillar begins to notice ways to survive
one thing it noticed is how much the world shuns him, but praises the butterfly
the butterfly represents the talent, the thoughtfulness, and the beauty within the caterpillar
but having a harsh outlook on life the caterpillar sees the butterfly as weak and figures out a way to pimp it to his own benefits
already surrounded by this mad city the caterpillar goes to work on the cocoon which institutionalizes him
he can no longer see past his own thoughts
he’s trapped
when trapped inside these walls certain ideas take roots, such as going home, and bringing back new concepts to this mad city
the result?
wings begin to emerge, breaking the cycle of feeling stagnant
finally free, the butterfly sheds light on situations that the caterpillar never considered, ending the internal struggle
although the butterfly and caterpillar are completely different, they are one and the same.
- kendrick lamar | mortal man
