A Letter to Someone I Used to Know
Do you remember when we said nothing would ever split us up? I’m not really sure what happened along the way, but we went from inseparable to couldn’t be far enough from you. We went from writing songs and singing talent shows and pulling all nighters to avoiding each other and backhanded insults at each other.
I’m not afraid to admit that some of all of this is my fault - are you willing to admit you’re at fault too?
I think one of the things that made me pull away was him. I still can’t wrap my head around how obsessed you are with being his friend. What do you have to prove? What is it about him that you can’t let go of? Everything was always him this, him that and I couldn’t handle it anymore.
I can’t handle it anymore.
Now, this isn’t the sole reason I stopped trying. It’s not a reason at all. I just thought after all these years I should say how I really feel, even if it is some anonymous post on the internet you may never read.
I don’t understand why you shaped your life around him. He’s my best friend too, but I don’t find myself trying, trying, trying, to prove myself to him. Meanwhile, you get him to work with you, drive you places, you plan parties for him, you care too much about his opinion…
But no, I think one of the breaking points for me was how little you seemed to care. And I suppose I’m grateful for it, in a way. That I could see and feel your distaste toward me instead of making me listen to bullshit. But it does still sting.
You changed so much, I don’t even know how it could have happened. Somehow, you went from this open, kind, wonderful person to someone who gave people dirty looks in the hallway and tried to be someone you weren’t. You went from someone who was proud of who she was to someone trying to be another popular white girl - someone you never were.
These friendship problems always seem to happen to me - I don’t know if it’s who I am, what I do, what I can see in people, that makes people hate me or leave. I don’t want to play the victim card, because I’m not. I am responsible for giving up in the end. I tried for a while, then just didn’t see the point anymore. So for that, I’m sorry.
Do you remember back in fifth grade, when you tried to take my best friend from me too? We went to the counselor that time; now we just fell apart. Should I have seen that time as a sign? Who knows? I mean, we were just kids then.
I thought things were okay, then I hear you insulting my grades, saying I should be “embarrassed” and “lie to people” about what score I got, and I realized that you had become incredibly shallow. Are you kidding? No “wow I hope her mom wasn’t too mad” or “I hope she wasn’t too broken up about it”. Just “did you hear about the grade she got? I would be so embarrassed… she should lie about her grade instead of telling everyone about it”
I’m not even sure how you heard about it, since I told all of three or four people. And it’s not you knowing that makes me angry. It’s the fact that you insult me, tell me how I should act and how I should feel about it.
This time, I am choosing not to live in the past. I was overambitious, I thought I could do something that I clearly couldn’t. But what happened from that point on is my business. So I’d love to ask you to think next time you want to talk about my grades to my friends. I may not have many, but they will have my back and the second you say shit about me, I’ll know.
You used to be someone I trusted. I wish we could have that friendship again. You knew everything about me, and I knew everything about you. Now I wish you didn’t. I miss the friendship we had, but I don’t miss you. Especially not after who you’ve changed into.
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