All that glitters is gold

Christine. This is a rant page for the less than golden moments in my life.

[the-aureate-blog]

i'm back.

why, you ask? because today was one of those days where it sucks that i don’t have a good friend to rant to. rather than keeping it to myself like i have been for the past 8 (?) months and letting things stew, i decided to find a healthy outlet. well, a slightly better alternative. i can’t say that having tumblr as my closest friend is healthy.

reason why i’ve returned to my high school blog:

Wow I'm going to Berkeley just for Nancy and she isn't even willing to be there at the airport when I land

I have to take an hour-long bus ride and do several complicated transfers just to get to Berkeley and she got basically lost herself the first time

She complains about the $10 it takes to get there and when my mom offers to give her the freaking money to get there she's like "but it takes so longg"

Like really

I'm flying all the way to Berkeley because you wanted me to and you can't even be there when I arrive

[the-aureate-blog]

so much has gone on this summer, and yet so little.

I've been on many adventures, but looking back it was such a whirlwind that it'd be more tedious and less therapeutic to rehash and analyze.

realizations / changes that i believe occurred over the first half of summer:

- gno girls and i have gotten closer on a somewhat shallow level

- i've become quieter in the group now that i see it with new eyes

- theresa and i have gotten much closer. we understand the other and she's the closest person to me in all of gno

- tuyen and tri are cooler than i thought they'd be

- i've realized i treat males less like brothers and more like boyfriends. MUST change that asap and attempt to view them as a normal person.

- i don't know myself nearly as much as i thought i did

- peg is gone. my journey with then ended when school ended.

- i say that i am content with long beach but deep down i feel like i have something to prove to everyone

- i can (somewhat) drive

and that's all i can think of now. it's around the halfway mark of my summer, so it's a good time to review the goals i made at the beginning of summer.

Goal 1: Get driver's license.

- got my permit. practicing every day. test in a week,. so far so good.

Goal 2: Read chem 140 book.

- on the third chapter. so boring. not going well.

Goal 3: Get healthy and prettier.

- lost 2 pounds with healthy diet but gained 3 back. darn you crepes and green tea ice cream. makeup skills no change, no makeup in summer. prettier... no. darker, yes.

Goal 4: Clean room.

- HAH.

Goal 5: Prepare for HT camp.

- um. not. prepared.

Goal 6: Create music arenal.

- 170 songs and counting. steph, theresa, and kimberly ask for songs. found great new bands. success.

Goal 7: YOLO summer.

- gone out numerous times. bonfires. hiking trips. cliff diving. biking to beach. gno's. movies. eating out. tea & boba runs. epic drives. definite success.

it's summer. so lazy. result: extremely succinct posts. wooo.

[the-aureate-blog]

realized that my blog is almost fully composed of rants

about how horrible my life is. i also realized that i haven't blogged for a while. so let's change that. over the last few months, i've graduated, i've been to prom, i've made up with a close friend, i've had an inspiring talk with my english teacher, i've gone on one last farewell camping trip with gno, i've gained self-confidence. today i finally took the driver's written test and passed with 100%. i never knew this point in life- the standstill between high school and college- can feel so fulfilling. so far, everything seems to be falling into place, and loose ends are tying themselves neatly together. hopefully things can continue to go this smoothly.

[the-aureate-blog]

why am i stooping so low to play at her level. i'm better than that.

remember this christine. don't sink this low again. so insults on facebook. no throwing tantrums and slamming doors. it's below you.

[the-aureate-blog]

BITCH.

BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH.

[the-aureate-blog]

I dub thee: "The Bitch"

finally called nancy out on being a bitch.

but i'll get to that later.

i found out that i didn't pass the vietnamese biliteracy test today (92% on the reading comprehension but 4% short on the listening section- still think it's a fluke). how ironic, since i just gave a speech the period before on the importance of believing in yourself and finding your greatness. i am back to thinking of myself as a failure in life. hooray.

nancy's asb banquet was today. 4 days ago her irresponsible-of-a-secret-buddy messaged me asking me to ask nancy what she wanted for her end of the year gift. thinking that this might be a chance for her to get a good gift, i asked nancy and typed EXACTLY WHAT SHE HAD TOLD ME to her secret buddy. then at 10pm. i get a mass of notifications on my phone and open them up, only to discover that nancy did not in fact appreciate the gift (in fact she hated it) and assaulted me with thinly veiled insults. she storms home and slams open my door and starts yelling at me and insulting me further, causing a great big scene at 10:30 at night. it's not my problem that the list she gave me was crap. it's also not my fault that the gift her secret buddy gave her was even bigger crap (school supplies was what it was. that's the image she gives to her asb and never attempts to change it. i see this as half her fault). when things go wrong nancy always blames everyone but herself, and never apologizes. this is a thing that never changes with her. of course, she's too much of a coward to actually confront anyone outside of her family, so all of her bitchy rants go to who? the family, of course. 

so after 18 long, grueling years of listening to her insults, feeling her fists, watching her shred my self confidence piece by piece, i finally snapped and called her out for what she is- the biggest bitch i know. 

and therefore nancy will now on be known on this blog as The Bitch. it's been long due, both labelling her as this and calling her out on it.

today is a monumental day. mark it on your calendars y'all.

[the-aureate-blog]

am i really that self-deprecating?

friday = senior ditch day = day to help dang with his prom proposal = graduation speech tryouts . nancy was trying out so I was in the classroom with her. my english teacher sees me and asks, "christine, are you trying out?" and i responded with. "nope, i'm not up to par." it was a fact, but for some reason she got so pissed at me and started lecturing me on how i'm always saying things like that and putting myself down, and how that makes her so angry, and that i have to do something with my inferiority complex. she did this with 6 other people in my room, and frankly, it was embarrassing. so embarrassing.

i have to admit, though, that it got me thinking. i know that i have an inferiority complex- a chip on my shoulder related to nancy and other intelligent people, the quick thinkers, quick learners, great writers. but i did not know that it was so obvious. i have spoken to my teacher about a dozen times this year, and i had no idea that that was the image that i projected. actually, she's probably just very intuitive, because when i asked my friends if i gave off that impression, they denied it. that's what i'm sticking with, because i'd  be absolutely mortified if that self-depreciating image is what everyone sees when they see me.

looking back, i think i considered my tendency to put myself down solely the fault of nancy, who verbally puts me down daily. before, if asked, i think i'd say that i know we both share some of the blame, but i know now that deep inside i pinned it all on nancy, what does this tendency say about me as a person? that i'm weak? pathetic? instead of believing in myself and not listening to nancy's insults, i got sucked up in them (she can possibly persuade me of anything- she's debate captain and i know she's earned it) and started saying them to MYSELF. isn't that the weakest thing a person can do?

i have to change that. i want to. i need to, but how? this all stems from me total lack of self confidence and where in the world so i get that? it's not like i can find it at a clearance bin at target, 5 for $20.

ugh gotta go. helping out with a prom proposal. as for me... #forever alone. LOL.

[the-aureate-blog]

downed 4 shots tonight.

felling a bit buzzed but definitely not drunk, after all, gotta build up my tolerance for college ;) 1 grey goose vodka, 1 coconut rum, 1 hennessey, 1 gin. feeling gooood. i now know why there are alcoholics in this world.

[the-aureate-blog]

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Pauvre Coeur by Jillette Johnson

painfully heart-wrenching.

Lyrics:

If I recall it was a Friday Gentle hum before the war You were high and watching poker And I had just walked in the door You started screaming at the TV Saying, make a play you filthy whore And I was trying to make you see me Like the way you did before So I took off my clothes and I opened a bottle And told you I'd do whatever you wanted Naked on the floor, crying I'm too beautiful Oh my poor, poor, pauvre coeur Beats no more Dare I say I was enamored By the stories of your pain You were darkened in the wild fight And I was tangled in your mane But God forbid you would get angry I had to dive out of the way You'd be gunning for me blindly And there was nothing I could say But I love you, don't do this, is it it really worth it That's not very Buddhist and I don't deserve it I'm naked on the floor, crying I'm too beautiful Oh my poor, poor, pauvre coeur Beats no more Poor, pauvre coeur Beats no more Making me nauseous, open elevator I'm stuck in the middle, there's nobody out there To pull me off my sword I am far too beautiful To be yours

[the-aureate-blog]

gorgeous and i want it so bad

but it's online

and my dad has the credit card

yeah

that is a conversation that i do not want to have

[the-aureate-blog]

generic ap test post

8 ap tests. 6 over. just gotta make it through 2 more.

i'm confident about having passed all of the ones i've taken so far. except ap spanish. really, collegeboard, mooing? other totally random animal sounds? salsa music? really? not to mention we took in the the gym, where the speakers SUCK and half the spanish native speakers couldn't understand it. yup not passing that one.

macro, i'm ready for you. BRINGIT.

music theory... ehehehe. haven't studied for that. at all. cramming all this weekend to hopefully get a 3... cadences. progressions. self-studying for this exam sucks.

[the-aureate-blog]

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Venice by The Lighthouse and the Whaler

Lyrics:

In your eyes, I have seen All the feeling and the rains And death is cold, death is sure Why don't we all fall in love? Oh, whoa, oh oh Why don't we fall in love? Oh, whoa, oh oh Why don't we fall in love? In your eyes, I have seen All the feeling and the rains And death is cold, death is sure Why don't we all fall in love? Oh, whoa, oh oh Why don't we fall in love? Oh, whoa, oh oh Why don't we fall in love? Oh, whoa, oh oh In your eyes, I have seen All the feeling and the rains And death is cold, death is sure Why don't we all fall in love? Oh, whoa, oh oh Why don't we fall in love? Oh, whoa, oh oh Why don't we fall in love?

[the-aureate-blog]

screw the ap bio exam for being on the day after mother's day. i'm having a nice family dinner tonight, don't have time to study bio shit

[the-aureate-blog]

tired of using the same adjective to describe the bitch in your life? fed up with sounding repetitive all the time? here are some alternative words you can use next time he or she exhibits bitchy behavior. use accordingly to the situation.

[the-aureate-blog]

8 ap exams. kill me now.

why did i even sign up for all this

all nighers every night

i want to die

[the-aureate-blog]

Christine is made of tree bark, lemon, and innocence. With a dash of James Bond.

What Makes You?  

ShidanMaker

[the-aureate-blog]

Today is my birthday.

I didn't know what to expect when I woke up. But I was foolish for thinking that it could be a good day. My history of birthdays hasn't been been pleasant since my tenth, when my "special" day morphed into a screaming match between my parents. Just like that, a war of words became an annual tradition. Nowadays I associate this day with dejection, despondence, loneliness. I don't want much for my birthday. I want to wake up in the morning with a smile as the sun shines as Nancy and my parents wish me a happy birthday. I want to go to school and see my closest friends and feel lucky to have them when they wish me happy birthday. i dont want the world's attention, i just want some recognition by the people who matter to me. i don't need nor expect gifts. I just want it to be a happy birthday. Is it that unattainable? Is it that unattainable to have a birthday where my closest friends sincerely wish me happy birthday? Where my mom doesnt't forget but gives me a warm hug and her well wishes? Where my dad doesn't use this chance to give pompous, holier-than-thou speeches aimed to make himself look like a good and moralistic person but just cheerily tells me to have a good day today. I don't need cake or hastily-bought balloons or a bouquet of flowers -that make me wonder if my parents know me at all, because all they do is remind me of the fast and fleeting quality of life- if it's accompanied with frustration and fighting and falseness and pain, and at the end of the day leaves everyone feeling injured and alone as we all go back to our separate rooms. Tonight was so tense, gloomy, and painfully awkward that my limited vocabulary and woeful lack of skill in writing fail to decently conjure up the miserable image, so I won't even try aside from a few lines describing the basic scene. Four people perched stiffly on a cold, hard sofa set, facing each other with looks that range from stiff to uncomfortable to sullen to forced nonchalance. The atmosphere was so heavy that I felt as if there was simultaneously a weight on my back the tried to prevent me from sitting up straight and a steel stick up my spine that locked me into rigid position I couldn't get out of even if I tried. Angers flared, thinly concealed insults were exchanged. Many things happened before this little gathering, and many things after, but this image is what repeatedly flashes into my mind. Sitting there like that, we didn't look like a family.

  We looked like strangers.