I'm slowly coming to terms with my feelings about my favorite person.
It's so hard to feel like this toward someone; like you want to be controlled by them, commanded by them, owned by them, but also loved by them, and admired by them, and nurtured by them, and then again you also want to become them, meld with them, become one.
It's all consuming when you realize your entire outlook on life and your mood is dictated by the quality, frequency and intensity of the interactions you have with your favorite person.
It's embarrassing when you realize you've thrown away your own sense of identity, your morals, your standards, just to appease this person, be validated by them, liked by them.
In the end your fear of being abandoned by them makes you feel jealous yet also afraid to show that jealousy. It makes you feel angry when they don't give you that dopamine you need to cope in this otherwise difficult world. You despair when you realize these feelings are utterly one-sided.
I want to be my own person. I want to not care about their validation. I want to be free.
