Hey, just a heads up that this is definitely going to warrant a serious trigger warning, for a few reasons but mostly SA. I'm not going to go into much detail, but I don't really have anyone to talk to IRL about this and I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I don't say something to someone, so here you go followers and the void.
So, you've been warned.
It's been longer than I care to admit since I have been intimate with anyone, at least until yesterday morning. I was heading home from visiting friends after going to PDX pride, I was stuck overnight in PDX and had to figure out what to do for the night. What started out as a consensual encounter turned into a borderline assault - I'm not sure I can even claim that, considering how it started and there was some alcohol involved, but that's how it feels. He got really rough and I just froze up, reliving some of the hell that happened when I was a kid. I came out of it and just instinctively cleaned up, there was blood and I just felt completely out of touch with everything - I needed to leave but had hours until I was able to get where I needed to be. I should have gone to the Multnoma county health department when they first opened, but I was heading home and didn't want to miss my bus and be in a similar situation for another night. I made the bus and got very little sleep last night.
This morning I went to urgent care and got turned away until later in the afternoon, even after telling them I needed an exam and more than likely PEP, which is frustrating but small towns play by their own rules. Got back for my appointment, which they called an hour before and pushed back an hour, and got told they needed current lab work and their lab was closed... But the good news is the hospital lab will run it all in house and I just have to go there and wait for that to get done. I get there, spend a half hour waiting and actually checking in so I can go to the lab, again small town charm. I do the blood draw and then they tell me that only 2 of the 4 tests can be run there, the other 2 have to be sent off to a different lab. At 4:45 I got a call from the doctors office telling me that they got the results and it wasn't what they were really looking for, but they sent my prescription for Biktarvy to the pharmacy anyway and the regular blood work came back looking good. The two tests that got sent off were the critical ones, the HIV and Hep B+C tests. So that's fun, but I got the PEP, and the state of Oregon covered the costs - I went in expecting to lose all the money I have and still not be able to get the meds, the list price for one bottle is over $5,000.
Now, I get to wait on the two blood tests that are off to a different lab. Wait two weeks and get another full STI panel. Get tested for HIV in a month, 3 months, and 6 months. Possibly have to treat anything that comes back positive on the STI panel. On top of all of that I get to deal with not knowing exactly what happened, new fucked up memories from childhood, and increased hypersensitivity. Fuck literally all of that, I'm already so tired.
I think I'm done with finding new people, if anyone needs me I'm going to go start eating my feelings again and hiding in layers of blankets and an oversized hoodie. Apparently I've lost 10 pounds in the last month, so everything is getting too big as it is. I'm starting to regret getting rid of all the fat clothes from 250 pounds ago.
