Contained in the flashdrive was a single video file, nothing more. The runtime showed as being a little over 15 minutes. When opened, the scene began in Lexâs motel room, while she had still been there. From the lack of sunlight filling the room from the only window and the abundance of lamps that were turned on in the background, one could safely assume this was recorded either late at night or in the wee hours of the morning.
Lex sat upon the edge of the bed, the recording device (likely her phone) seemingly having been propped up upon the TV stand, given its perspective from within the room. Her clawed hands fidgeted in her lap for several moments as she drew a deep breath that ended in an unsteady shaking exhale. She looked to be trying to gather her thoughts before deciding how best to begin.
âSo ⊠if youâre watchinâ this, it means I didnât make it out alive. I wanna start by apologizinâ. For drawinâ you into this mess ⊠for puttinâ you in a situation to even be so damn invested in me in the first place. You donât deserve to get hurt over my stupid decisions ⊠I never wanted that for you. But, well ⊠we play thâ hand weâre dealt. So all I got left to offer is âIâm sorryâ. Iâm sorry for leavinâ you with this much pain and regret. I really am.â
Her voice had begun to crack partway through those last few sentences, as her throat bobbed visibly after they were spoken, as she swallowed a lump in her throat. She cleared her throat loudly, the sharp inhale of a brief sniffle following after as she steeled herself once more to continue. âI-IâŠâ And yet for all her efforts to prepare, the words cracked almost immediately this time, far more prominently than before, and it seemed to temporarily rob her of her voice as her head hung for a few silent moments. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, she bolted upright and grabbed for the camera to turn it off.
It then cut back to her turning the camera back on and returning to her seated position, though this time her eyes and face look to still be damp from crying, although some effort was made to clean herself back up. She cleared her throat again. âRight. Sorry ⊠Look, Louis, I know things ⊠get weird ⊠whenever we try tâtalk about feelings. Iâm bad at articulatinâ âem and youâre bad at dealinâ with âem in the first place. Itâs a match made in hell, I know. So I guess ⊠I guess this was thâ best way I could think of to try and lay it all out there while I still could. In a way thatâs easier than tryinâ to say it face-to-face. So you can ⊠deal with it however you gotta, without feelinâ watched and judged. You donât gotta manufacture a response for me anymore. Just ⊠hear this anâ take it at face value, however it makes you feel. Iâm âŠnot around tâget my feelinâs hurt anymore if youâre watchinâ this, so you donât gotta react based on how itâll affect me, âcause it wonât.â
She sniffled again, her hands back in her lap as she looked at the floor to collect herself again before continuing. Her gaze lifted and returned to the camera and the lamplight caught the faintest glimmer of wetness in the corners of her eyes. âNo matter how this all turned out ⊠I just wanna make sure you know that I never regretted a second of it. It didnât even matter than I was goinâ into this knowinâ that someday ⊠someday you were gonna hafta push me away to do what you gotta do and marry that doe. And itâs fine. It was still worth it. A day, a minute ⊠even a second with you made every last ounce of bullshit worthwhile. âCause I know that for that brief window of time, I could make you happy. That I could put some tiny bit of light back into those big sad eyes. Even when I was annoyinâ the crap outta you.â A sad pained smile split her muzzle and a sound somewhere between a sob and a half-hearted laugh escaped her.
And then the first drop fell from her eyes before she could stop it. Hissing a string of obscenities beneath her breath, she clawed at her face to roughly wipe them away before frustratedly going back to the camera and turning it off again. And then it cut back again with her having recomposed herself once more, the tears having been wiped away. If the whites of her eyes were still their natural color, they would most likely already be visibly reddened from crying this much. She gave a shaky sigh as she wrung her hands in her lap.
âI have ⊠no idea what happened for you to hurt this bad ⊠tâfeel so alone. And in some fucked up kinda way, Iâm almost glad I never got thâ chance to know. But whatever it is or was ⊠I want you tâknow that I woulda gladly spent every damn fuckinâ day trying to make up for what life did tâyou. So you could know what it felt like to love anâ be loved by another animal. Tâfeel safe. More than anything I just wanted tâbe your safe space, Louis. I jusâ ⊠hope I was enough for you, in thâ short time that we had.â
She opened her mouth to continue but then slowly closed it again, her eyes squeezing shut as again, her throat bobbed from a hard swallow. Fresh tears escaped her eyes, even while closed so tightly. She bit her lip as she fought to get herself back under control, sniffling hard before roughly wiping at her eyes again. She once more tried to speak. âI want ⊠you tâknow that ⊠t-thatâŠâ And then the rest died in her throat with a pained sound, as her hand flew up to her face once more. She shook her head for several moment before angrily getting up and storming to the camera again before once more turning it off.
When the footage next picked back up, it was evident by the faint amount of light filtering in through the window blinds that a significant amount of time had elapsed. Possibly even hours, depending on when she had begun recording in the first place. The puffiness beneath her eyes made it evident that much of that recovery time was spent in tears. But stubbornly, she labored on. This had been important enough to her that despite having to stop and start so many times to get through it, she felt she had to get that message out to him.
âI want you tâknow, Louis ⊠that I wasnât scared tâdie. I was scared tâleave you behind. Scared about not beinâ able to make sure you were okay anymore. That was my only regret. Not goinâ out there and gettinâ my ass killed. That woulda happened sooner or later anyway, whether I went through with this or not. And before I met you, I probably woulda cared even less, because there wasnât anyone who I felt wouldnât be alright if I were gone. But youâŠ? I always worry about you. You matter tâme more than anyone has for ⊠a really long fuckinâ time. Even if the âwhyâ doesnât make sense tâyou. Even if yâthink no sane animal would think or feel like this. I do. So thatâs why Iâm sittinâ here right now, talkinâ to a phone like a psycho, at 5 oâclock in the god-damn morning. I needed tâleave somethinâ you could hold onto, even if Iâm not around anymore.â
Near the end, her voice had once more broken completely and her eyes had begun welling up again. This time, however ⊠she didnât fight to hide it. Didnât turn off the camera to have her recovery off-screen. She powered through, even as the tears flowed again and her bottom lip began to quiver ever so slightly. âAnd I know yâhated not beinâ able to do anythinâ about this. Yânever said a thing about it when we were together that last day ⊠but I knew. I could see thâ frustration. The angry hurt. Beinâ on the sidelines of somethinâ like this sucks ass. I know ⊠Iâve been there. Itâs thâ worst helpless feelinâ in the world, knowinâ someoneâs jumpinâ headlong into danger and you canât do a thing about to help them through. And thatâs gotta feel a thousand times worse knowinâ that I didnât survive it, but donât you dare think that somehow you coulda stopped me from dyinâ, Louis. Donât you fuckinâ dare do that to yourself. All that woulda changed is both of us goinâ downâor worse, you dyinâ instead of me. And Iâd never forgive myself if that had happened.â
Halfway through, she had devolved into a crying mess as she spoke, not letting herself stop to recompose. She just kept going. There was a growing sense of urgency to get it all out while she still could. Nothing would slow her now, even as her breath periodically hitched with soft sobs. The fur of her cheeks was soaked completely through. âBut now that itâs done and itâs over, even though it didnât play out how I wanted it to ⊠there is still somethinâ you can do for me. You can live your life, Louis. Live it as full and amazinâ as you can. Marry that doe and make some beautiful lilâ fawns. Maybe name one after me, if ya want. But live, Louis. Let that be thâ last most important thing you ever do for me. And jusâ know ⊠that if itâs possible from where I end up, Iâm gonna stay as close tâyou as I possibly can. And even if yâcanât see or hear me, Iâm gonna be there. Nothingâs gonna stop me from beinâ there. Not even this.â
A pained silence hung in the air for several long moments as Lex stared at the camera through a haze of tears. It felt as though she were deciding how to end this. Figuring out whether she had already said enough or if she needed to close it out somehow. After a short time, she finally made up her mind. That hurt smile found its way across her muzzle once more as she almost whispered, her voice struggling to make itself heard.Â
âI love you. Always have. Always will.â
And then she got up to shut the camera off one final time, the videoâs runtime now complete.
As soon as he opened the video, he knew what it was: a goodbye message. That fit right into place. He couldâve stopped there, but once he knew what it was, he had to know what Lex thought was so crucial for him to know in the event of her death. If she had only fifteen minutes of thoughts to leave him with for the rest of his life, he had to know what had made the cut.
Clearly, making the video had not been easy for Lex. He had never seen her struggle so much for words, and frequently she had to pause when her eyes got too blurry with tears, her voice too strained to continue. With a disjointed sort of feelingâshock?âLouis realized she was crying over him, at least partially. Part of it was probably also she didnât want to imagine dying, which was fair. God knew what heâd done to ensure his own survival.
Listening to Lex talk about how much she had enjoyed being with him was something he was glad he was seeing over video: he wasnât sure he would have responded well in person, if only because he had no idea how. And in cases like those, he tended to panic and say the worst possible thing. Louis had long nursed a sense that if anyone really knew him, they wouldnât like him. It was hard to escape when so much of his life was shrouded in mystery and so much of his personality varied based on the face he was presenting at the moment. But Lex had gotten a pretty unvarnished look at him, so for her to say even then, that she didnât regret what she had gone through for himâŠâlost for wordsâ was a bit of an understatement.
Haru had said something similar, onceâthat Louis had âsad eyesâ. They had immediately descended into a terrible fightâwhich Louis would now admit was mostly his faultâand he had not spoken to her for several days. Did all females see some wounded bird look in his eyes? He had liked to think it was his charm that won them over, not some Nightingale effect. Just what was it they saw in his face that made them feel what Lex and Haru felt?
And there was the problem with Lex seeing so much of himâsheâd gotten beyond âsad eyesâ to guess that something had happened. She had seen the tattoo on his foot, but he had waived it off: if she knew the truth about it, sheâd never asked or called him on his âgood luck tattooâ bullshit.
She did know some things about him: she knew if she died heâd spend the rest of his life blaming himself for not being there. Blaming himself for being an herbivore; for being weak. It was exactly what he was doing with Ibuki, and he wouldâve done it with Lex too, if she had died. Spent the next fifty years berating himself for not being there, for being helpless and pathetic and feeble. That she was telling him not to do that wouldnât have stopped him, but he appreciated the forethought and the effort.
And anyway, would Lex not have blamed herself if he had died, either by Ibuki or by Legoshi or by Riz? Wasnât there a bit of hypocrisy there? He knew she blamed herself for not being around to save his leg, even though she wasnât 100% clear on what had happened.
There it was again. How was Lex so sure of that? How was she so willing to put it out there, especially when he had not yet returned the sentiment? She was a bold hyena thoughâshe didnât hold back, even to protect herself. AndâŠshe seemed genuine. Once, he could brush off as post-coital euphoria. ThisâŠhe supposed he could chalk up to a near-death adrenaline high, but that seemed disingenuous. Lex meant what she said, or at least she was convinced she did.
There was a curious tightness in his chest, and he squirmed in his desk chair, aware of how infrequently that particular phrase had come up for him. Mara had said it when she left, but he hadnât believed her, and had not bothered to go down to say goodbye when she departed. A few girls had said so, in notes they left in his locker or on his desk, but he didnât count those, because they didnât really know anything about him.
His father had never said it, not once.
Louis wasnât sure he even did.
But that was another issue.
And she had mentioned Azuki.
âWhat am I doing?â he asked aloud. This was the second female he had engaged in a relationship with, knowing he was engaged, and had no intention of carrying that relationship forward to any future. Haru had loved him, even if she didnât say so outright. How many times had sheâspeciously jokinglyâsuggested they elope? How many times had she tried to weasel more commitment out of him? Heâd broken her heart, and left her to die at the hands of the Shishigumi. She had Legoshi now, and he was glad for that, but was he really going to do the same thing to Lex now? Use her and accept her affection and eat up her attention until he decided to walk away?
What the hell kind of starved beast was he?
He hadnât broken Haruâs heart onceâhe had done it a hundred times, in how he brushed off her declarations of love, in how he prioritized academics over her, in how he reminded her that they had no future. Was he going to spend the next three years tallying up instances of breaking Lexâs heart too, before he finally told her it was over, time for him to get married?
If he had any honor, he would end it now.
He would stop being the pathetic succubus that he was, latching onto anyone that would give him genuine affection and ravaging them for every drop he could get before dropping them to the curb and carrying on his wretched way. Did he think this would somehow make up for the past? Prepare him for a future in an arranged marriage?
Lex had meant to comfort him, or merely to unburden herself, but the guilt felt like a weight on his chest. He should have cut ties with her when he left the black market. He shouldnât have slept with her; he shouldnât have given her hope. No matter what a girl said about understanding, there was always hope. Haru had known from the beginning Louis was spoken for, but even practical Haru had been seduced by hope for more.
She didnât understand that Louis had nothing to give; he was empty. He was broken. The black market had not killed him, but they had snapped off something crucial inside him. Lex wondered what had happened to make him the way he wasâhow could he explain? What had happened, what was wrong with him?
If he didnât stop it now, he had no one to blame but himself for whatever pain he visited on Lex, who had already lost too much.
Louis pulled the USB drive from his computer, and presumed this was a quick comeuppance for stealing.
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