I'm going to be okay!

I used to be "m.l.j recovery" but I needed a fresh start. I’m trying my best to stay well by recovering from my eating disorder Inbox -open

[the13thfloormasterpiece]

TW. I wish people understood that my not sad or “depressed” because I’m “fat” or that I’m gaining weight. It’s so much more than that! I’m upset and scared that I’m loosing my sense of control!! The world is being turned upside down and I gain my control by turning to food of self harm. And I’ve noticed myself ...not directly “self-harming” , but just not caring as much. An example is I work with a lot of chemistry and sometimes I won’t wear gloves because I just don’t care. Or I’ll wash my hands so violently to get ink off- knowing I’m breaking skin just to feel empowered.

[philsbigduck-deactivated2021120]

i know the world war 3 memes are really funny, but it can also be scary and anxiety provoking

i just want to pop in and tell you that you are okay

you are here, you are present, you are you, and everything is okay

you aren’t weird for being scared about something others see as a joke, we all have different perspectives

it’s okay if you need to take a break from the internet for your mental health.

[britp0p-deactivated20210628]

to anyone who needs to hear it: you don’t need to punish yourself for eating. it’s okay if you don’t love your body. i get it. it’s really, really fucking hard. but please eat something today, even if it’s small. it will be okay. i promise.

[desultory-suggestions]

Record the moments you feel most in love with yourself- who you’re with, what you’re doing, where you are. Recreate that feeling over and over until it becomes your normal.

[roseaffirmations-deactivated202]

notes on self forgiveness.

because it’s not always other people. sometimes it’s us.

realize you’ve made a mistake. acknowledge it, but do not let it consume you. think to yourself, this is in the past now and i can move onto better, bigger & brighter things.

apologize if needed. do not guilt trip people into forgiving you. simply acknowledge your mistake and ask them what you could do to repair it. if they do not accept your apology or do not believe you, move on. hold yourself accountable but to not turn yourself into a martyr. 

think of what you can improve. can you be more compassionate? perhaps more forgiving? or more honest? what can you do to make sure you learn from this?

do not dwell in guilt. guilt is useful, but too much of it will leave you blinded. let yourself feel every feeling knowing it is temporary.

remember you are human. each and every single one of us has fucked up. you’re not alone in this. all of us have things we are not proud of, things we are ashamed to say out loud, things we’ve done that we would rather forget.

say it out loud: i forgive myself. give yourself the same warmth and compassion as you’d give to a close friend or relative. do not harm or self-sabotage for simply having made a mistake. remember there are better days ahead of you and if you wish to talk, i am here always! you are loved and capable of improving. there is still hope for you.

[cutegorl]

I do not have to make myself smaller in order to be loved.

I do not have to make myself smaller in order to be valued.

I do not have to make myself smaller in order to love myself.

I do not have to make myself smaller for other people’s comfort.

I do not have to make myself smaller.

[mush-dooms]

I literally hate this so much; you think eating disorders are fun, huh? you wish you had this? you think it’s a bunch of delicate girls in frilly pink skirts and knee-high socks daintily sipping green tea and turning down cookies? mirror selfies with a six-inch gap between your legs and collarbones that resemble the skeleton in your science teacher’s closet? you think you’ll be happy when you hit your gw, that this lifestyle is somehow maintainable and fun and cute and romantic? no! it’s being handed a twelve page packet of foods and realizing you can only eat about 20 of them without wanting to crawl out of your fucking skin. it’s puking into a cardboard box in your room at 1am because you binge ate an entire box of cookies in ten minutes and then crying on the floor because how could I have been so stupid? it’s spending half an hour meticulously removing the walnuts from a packet of oatmeal because you didn’t realize they were going to be in there and I’m not going to eat a walnut, goddammit. It’s staring at  half of a bagel and crying because you have to eat it and yet it’s so fucking terrifying. it’s obsessing for hours over what your next meal is going to be and having a panic attack when that meal is unavailable. it’s spending hours on restaurant websites trying to figure out how to get the lowest calorie menu item possible. it’s a living fucking hell and I wish I had never fallen down this nightmare of a disorder because now I’ve got to claw my way out and it doesn’t want to let me go. it may never fucking let me go. I might just have to learn to live down here as best I can, a life sentence of hell. fuck this, fuck pro ana, fuck thinspo, fuck society for making us think that this is desirable in any way, shape, or form, and if I sound pissed off it’s because I am because no one should ever look at a person struggling to stay alive and wish that would happen to them. if you haven’t fallen in yet, run. run like the devil himself is coming after you. run before it’s too late and you’ve wasted years of your life trying to make yourself disappear. run so that you’ll never have to claw yourself out. and if you’ve already fallen? well, then you best begin that climb. I’m on my way out, too.

[and-how-to-heal-from-it]

Your mind is lying to you. 

Your trauma was severe enough, your mental illness is severe enough, your disorder is severe enough. 

You are worthy of help, and all of the love and support along the way.

[and-how-to-heal-from-it]

psa if you relapsed

Take a deep breath. It’s going to be okay.

Just because you had one setback doesn’t mean your efforts are ruined. Recovery is not linear. Today is a new day.

You’re still worthy of love and respect.

Remember: you’re amazing for even attempting recovery, no matter how difficult it might be. 

[the13thfloormasterpiece]

Update:

 If I were to give myself a grade I’d say I’m 75%. I’ve been having some really dark and challenging thoughts. But I’ve managed to get myself out of bed and just keep working, moving, and going. It’s the little things that remind me to stay. Things you would not expect ...mundane things like : closing a window, doing someone a favor, thinking about an assignment due the next day, waiting for the rain to stop in order to walk the dog. Those little things are becoming my benchmarks. Every little thing I do helps me stay here. Does that make sense ? Like it’s a small obligation that keeps me present for a little longer. As far as eating...I’m eating. I haven’t purged in about a month. Somedays I’ll play with my food until I have to consciously spoon feed myself while other days it’s not as much of a struggle. 

I’ve been committing to online therapy/treatment. I don’t know what to call it at this point. Telehealth session have been helping and the TAO modules are informative. But things like seeing my medical team is still odd. I’m supposed to be seeing a doctor about my persistant dizziness and nausea. It’s gotten to the point where every morning I feel so awful and sit near the toilet trying to ride it out. (Before you say anything I’m not pregnant. I already checked.) But weekly therapy sessions are going well. We are figuring stuff out. I’ve had two pretty good body image days. However, I haven’t had much of an appetite due to the nausea and stuff. I’m still eating! Just like at night when I’m high ....or really late in the day when I don’t feel as sick. I am taking a multivitamin with iron to help my anemia... and hopefully it helps everything else. Anyways there’s my update. I woke up really late and feel like a bum. Stay safe and well guys!!!  

[crumblingabbeywalls-deactivated]

GUESS WHO'S BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER 👽👽👽

That's right, ya boi's been in recovery for THREE MONTHS TODAY, and guess what? I am NEVER going back.

It's been hard. The beginning was the hardest part, and every week that has passed has felt easier, but let me tell you right now: full recovery is not only possible, but necessary for living a happy life.

So you're thinking about starting recovery:

Want it. Want it so badly. Think about how people who don't have EDs live. Watch your friends decide what to eat for dinner and want the ability to decide what to eat spontaneously without stressing about anything to do with the food. Think about the Starbucks drinks and Bakewell tarts (seriously good British food, try it) and fruit smoothies you could be eating instead of gradually throwing yourself into the garbage!

FORGET ABOUT "SICK ENOUGH" AND "DO I DESERVE RECOVERY". I can tell you all that you're sick enough as you are, and that you all deserve recovery no matter what, but I remember being told that and I remember it not hitting home at all. So, I say this: who gives a fuck if you "deserve" to recover or not? The world isn't fair. Bad people get into power, there is a global pandemic happening, and good people die ALL THE TIME. So who's really counting here? "I don't deserve recovery". Maybe I don't. Personally, I'm a marmite person, I'm quite abrupt, I get into lots of fights with people. Maybe I don't "deserve" to recover. But fuck do I want to. I don't deserve to recover, but life isn't fair, and I want to, so I fucking will and I'll stay there no matter what.

LEARN TO BE AFRAID AGAIN. Find the stats. 5% of anorexics die of anorexia. That number drops to 3% with treatment, and jumps to 20% without. "Atypical" anorexia accounts for the vast majority of anorexia cases, and also has a HIGHER MORTALITY RATE. My start towards recovery was when I realised that I was dying, and I was going to starve to death well before I reached the arbitrary underweight BMI cutoff. I went to bed at night and my heart genuinely felt like it was working hard just to keep me alive. I knew that my choice had to be made soon or it would make itself: recover or die.

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN RECOVERY. It's not your fault that you got an eating disorder. It is still YOUR JOB to do the work of recovery. No-one else can recovery for you. You have to recover, and if you relapse, make no mistake, it is because you are making the choice to. You can fight this disorder, but only once you give yourself enough credit to recognize that you have agency, and you aren't just at the whims of your comfort/discomfort.

Unless you're at risk of refeeding syndrome: EAT A LOT AT THE BEGINNING. EAT EVERYTHING YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT EATING. YOU KEEP THINKING ABOUT YOUR CHOCOLATE DOWNSTAIRS? EAT THE CHOCOLATE. Your body will literally only begin to trust you again if you RESPOND TO YOUR HUNGER CUES. Remember, you can never fuck up recovery by eating too much, but you can totally fuck it up by eating too little.

TAKE WHATEVER MOTIVATION YOU HAVE AND RUN. Run as far and as fast as you can in the other direction from your ED, and once your motivation runs out, that's when the real work starts. Some helpful tips here: you are a robot. Bleep bloop. Robot makes food and eats it because it is breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack time. Or, alternatively, when you're getting strong lapse urges, I've found it helpful to say to myself "I know this is really scary, but in response to this, I'm not going to use behaviours. If I want to relapse, I can do that tomorrow, but for today I would like to keep trying recovery."

NUTRITIONAL REHABILITATION COMES BEFORE YOU CAN DO THE WORK TOWARDS FEELING COMFORTABLE WITH EATING. This is one of those things that absolutely sucks, but right now, your brain is dumb as fuck and you're running on nothing. So, you need to eat. A lot. You need to force yourself to eat before you'll be able to justify it to yourself with rationality. I did this by starting recovery (spontaneously) during a big family Christmas where I was home for the holidays and we had a lot of "special family meals". After you eat, sit with the discomfort. You will probably be bloated and feel gross as fuck the first few weeks. Treat it like period pain, get heating pads. Lie in bed. Maybe do some nice yoga on your back to lessen the feeling. Watch TV. Distract yourself. DISTRACT YOURSELF. I know it's hard but eat meals with people. Let them distract you. This was honestly the biggest help and it still is.

STOP EXERCISING COMPLETELY!! I was never much of an exerciser during my ED. I went through phases of it, but it never stuck with me because I just don't really like exercise. However, even I knew that I absolutely HAD TO stop exercising during recovery. It was done entirely to appease my ED and ultimately was fuelling it. Your body needs that energy desperately! You will be exhausted anyway! You absolutely need to rest. Rest a lot. Your body is recovering from a whole lot of trauma and it really, really needs whatever energy you can give it.

LET GO OF THE ILLUSION OF CONTROL OVER YOUR WEIGHT. For this, I would highly recommend reading up on health at every size etc. The current research into weight seems to suggest that we all have a healthy set range for our body to be in, and that set range is different for different bodies. The only way to know what your set range is to eat unrestricted and intuitively, and your body will naturally fall there. You may overshoot a little, and then loose a little, but I promise that the only way to heal really is to just trust your body, and keep trusting it. You cannot change your set range. You just have to learn to be ok with it. That takes effort, but it's not impossible. Also, set weight ranges, unsurprisingly, have no idea what a "BMI" is! Because BMI was invented by an astronomer hundreds of years ago to classify populations of white european men, and also the cutoffs for "overweight" and "obese" have been lowered over the years in response to lobbying from insurance companies! BMI is bullshit!

FULL RECOVERY IS YOUR ONLY OPTION. You may be tempted to try and dip your toes in slowly, and go into quasi recovery. Are you in "recovery" but you compulsively exercise? Are you in "recovery" but you don't eat certain foods because they're "unhealthy"? Are you in recovery but you won't let yourself gain "too much" weight? If you answered yes to any of these, the chances are you're in quasi recovery, and you're not free of the ED at all, and you are constantly on the verge of relapse. It's not your fault that this has happened. Quasi recovery is serving you in some ways, but it is also holding you back. It might be helpful to list the ways in which is is helping and the ways in which it is hurting your life. It might be helpful to think about what you could do if you were fully recovered. However, you need to do the "work" of doing the hard things and sitting with the discomfort if you want to get out of quasi. I believe in you! Go kick ass!!!

That's all for today folx! Let me know if this was helpful, I will be monitoring my DMs. Needless to say, nastiness will just be blocked! If you find yourself being angry about anything I've said, I suggest you question which part of your worldview it's challenging, and maybe do some research before unleashing the hate!

I want you all to recover! Even the haters and losers! We're beating disorders not eating disorders bitches!!!!

[imlilyxchurch-deactivated202007]

recovery is:

letting go of the past.

at my time in treatment, i learned one very important thing: never look for milk in the home depot. i’ve never let go of this saying because it’s just soooo good! ‘never look for milk in the home depot’ just means, don’t keep trying to reach out to people who aren’t able to support you, which is something that i kept doing. two of my closest friends hardly ever tried to help me when i needed it most. but i kept trying to get their support, even though i knew i would never get it. now, this doesn’t mean to let go of the relationship completely! like with some of my family members; they’re not a part of my support team, but that doesn’t mean that i’m going to drop them completely. but unfortunately, one of my friends ghosted me for it. she hasn’t talked to me in half a year, and it was hard at first, but now i’m beginning to realize that i don’t deserve that, and that i deserve to let go. my other friend, however, just took it as an opportunity to one up me for everything, when in reality, she wasn’t even sick. she only made everything harder for me. i’m still trying to perserve our friendship, but now i’m distancing myself from her. if i’m going to heal, i need to let go of these people. and i will say, i am definitely NOT the best at it. but i’m learning and that’s all that matters! after all, they are just two people out of the many that actually DO want to help me, and can.

[the13thfloormasterpiece]

I feel like I do everything wrong.

[thelightentersyou]

reminder

your intrusive thoughts do not define you. this can be hard to accept at times because they are in our heads. but the truth is that if these intrusive thoughts defined you, they would not disturb or disgust you. so please take it easy on yourself. when you’re having one of those thoughts, acknowledge it, acknowledge that it doesn’t define you and let it go. i know it’s difficult but we can do it.

[sheisrecovering]

Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start. — Nido Qubein

[the13thfloormasterpiece]

helps cope with negative thoughts and feelings

relieves and manages stress

protects self-esteem

controls your weight

helps you feel in control

gives comfort

helps you deal with channeling emotions inward

it feels familiar

helps strive for the protection

focuses and distracts from more difficult issues

gives you discipline or punishment

gives you momentary freedom

numbs your emotions

buffers your relationships

gives you a sense of accomplishment

Examine the functions of your eating disorder. Explain how your eating disorder works for you in terms of the functions identified above.

My eating disorder establishes the ultimate control, whether it is physical, emotional, or psychological. It's the constant in my life that has always been there as a destructive safety net.

You can see that your eating disorder helps to fulfill certain needs in your life. Take some time to think about those needs. What other methods do you have of getting those needs?

It fulfills my need for control. If I can't control certain circumstances around me, then I turn to the restriction as a form of punishment or salvation. I'm finding myself needing something destructive. So even when I'm not restricting, I'm doing something else harmful whether it be drinking, smoking , overworking ...etc. 

Now that you have a better understanding of your eating disorder or eating disorder symptoms in your life, the next step is to look at the costs and benefits of your eating disorder.

The cost of having this disorder is that I'm always exhausted from stressing over food! I don't have the headspace to focus on other tasks, and it tarnishes my quality of life both physically and emotionally.

It's already come up in my relationships. My boyfriend has even mentioned the possibility of baker acting me and hearing that makes me incredibility scared and ashamed/guilty. I don't want to put him through that. He doesn't deserve to be put through that. I want to live a long and happy life with him. I should want to live a long and happy life for myself!

So, I’m trying to recover.

[the13thfloormasterpiece]

I'm starting to get really ballzy with my putting. Like I do it when I stay in my parents house or at friends house in the other room... Like big yikes