library date?? coffee shop date??? museum date?? art gallery date?? stargazing date?? napping date?? picnic date??? yes
I did all this, with my first.
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@thealexandrialing
library date?? coffee shop date??? museum date?? art gallery date?? stargazing date?? napping date?? picnic date??? yes
I did all this, with my first.
I am finally home after so many months, and i can definitely say I'm well rested.
To be honest, alot has happened. I came home after a year, and felt that our subdivision did not feel that there's a pandemic as everybody do not wear their masks, then My partner and I broke up (but this is for another story), and lastly on February 3, I will be relocated at Iloilo City, and I still have not searched an ounce of Hiligaynon Dialect in google!
Am I ready or just wanted to run?
We will know this on the next episode of, Will Al get chismis again by co-workers or will she finally be free from all this, a fucking fun series!
Somewhere along the lines, I've been struggling getting myself back up, and I'm all smile and laughter but I didn't really feel any vibration down the gut, I don't feel the rush of happiness when I talk, walk or even when I do simple nonsensical things. How do I go back, how do I complete myself? How do I stop relying on people? How do I stop blaming people for my misery?
I want to get away, and I think I've been wanting to do this for awhile now. I want to stop feeling lonely and I want to stop relying on people on making me happy
writing-prompt-s:
A friendship between a time traveler and an immortal. Wherever the time traveler ends up, the immortal is there to catch him up to speed.
when we meet, i’m older but born after her, which is confusing. she was immortal somewhere after the 3rd century, we’re not sure. something about an ancient ritual. a sacrifice. she was twenty. if she ages, it’s nowhere i can see. the cut on her ribs from the ritual never heals. she is constantly annoyed by it.
we met in a meadow, by chance, when i got lost after woodstock. she looked at me with these odd eyes as i stumbled out of the loop, still smelling of sweat and other things. for a long time we stared at each other, she in her peasant clothes, me in tattered peace signs. and then she laughed.
she meets me in london during jack the ripper’s reign. we get tea. i tell her about the future where women are rulers and she snorts. i tell her about medicine. she tells me about witchcraft. i tell her about spaceships. she tells me about books that will die before i get to read them. when she laughs my heart feels funny. i think it’s the death on the wind.
she meets me by the berlin wall. we break it down together. she dances her bare feet in the dust. when she laughs something very small breaks in me. i miss my twenty-third birthday by accidentally going back to the dinosaurs. when i find her in the twenty-second century she’s holding a cake for me, telling me she’d found the signs of my travels somewhere back in twenty fifty-three. we sit on a rooftop and look at the stars and eat cake. i save her a slice. when i go back in time, i find her crying. i don’t tell her how i knew. there is something really beautiful in watching someone break into a smile when they’ve been sobbing.
i don’t know what happens. i stop jumping so much. we’re not supposed to. we’re not meant for long stays, we’ll change fate. just in and out. but hours turn into days. we spend a week in paris in her apartment over the city and i’m silly drunk when she leans over to me.
kissing her stops time. kissing her stops everything.
she waits for the future where we are legally allowed to be together. in the meantime i find her in dark corners. she laughs when i get tangled in my own skirts. she shows me a different world. a place where i stay. she knows i have to go. but i can’t help wish i could stay.
time isn’t real. that’s the thing. we experience it only based on our own perception of events. i only realize what’s happening because i stay too long. we are skinny dipping in a cold ocean the first time i notice it. she says something wrong. it’s not a bad mistake. but she doesn’t seem to remember how we got here for a moment. and then, in a flash, it’s gone. we are hiking through the amazon the first time she starts screaming. it’s been a long history. there’s just too much. she has periods of lucidity followed by eons of confusion. everything for her flashes by in an instant. she can’t remember what’s already been invented or what are stories i’ve told. her language is slipping.
i hold her in a future where she is shaking. i kiss her neck. she smells like summer. “i’m losing myself in it,” she whispers. her skin is still bleeding. “i’m losing it.” i don’t know what to say. infinity is a long time to wait. she experiences time in flashes, sees a hundred years at a glance. and me? i show up and evaporate before she even recognizes me.
if she is mad, i am just as bad. i travel too much to find how to stop this. into parallel universes. outside of the ages. i don’t sleep and i don’t eat and the whole time i hear her screaming.
it comes to me while i am sitting in the library of alexandria. time isn’t real. if i break the law, time could unravel. i think of her. if it’s worth it. what happens if i’m caught. we aren’t supposed to do things like this. even if we’re in love.
but i am in love. i am in love.
i open the loop. i could ruin everything. but there she is, crying on the night she will be taken. and my heart breaks. it’s simple. the only way to undo it without leading to ruin is to make sure it never happens in the first place. i take her hand and i give her my loop. she has all of time to explore now. i’ve already seen it. i take her place.
it is many years later. we meet in a meadow and she laughs.
on a scale of one to ten how sad are you.
you almost say seven but the answer floats in your lungs like rising mud. you shift your shoulders. some part of you is already forming an excuse. that it’s not that bad sometimes. one, two, three on a day that the clouds are out. you’re just complaining about stuff. yesterday you laughed past a brick of a four, does that make the brick come down to a two-point-five. the solid seven panic attack of last tuesday feels somehow like a little thorn, just a regular day full of a gentle three-point-nine earthquake rocking after yesterday’s close-to-an-eight. see but if tomorrow you have a real bad day, it will make today look simple.
and what if. what if tomorrow it’s a big old red eight-point-nine. like one of those days where sirens are going off in every part of you but you’re stuck behind a glass window watching it all burn down. like one of those days that your skin against the air feels foreign. like too much of everything. like sitting-in-the-shower, like can’t-eat, like the tide isn’t just coming in, it came while you were sleeping and now you’ve gotta learn how to swim. like bounce me against a bullet hole kind of day.
you keep numbers like nine and ten way out of reach. those are for the people who really are suffering. you’ve got no excuse. nine and ten are funeral numbers, for real problems, not yours, no. and sometimes you’re fine. and you’re kind of used to it. and it’s not sad, it’s just numb like a television caught on static. numb like i can’t remember if i care about this. numb like nothing works but i can’t be bothered to fix it. that’s not sad that’s every day stuff. everybody feels like this, right? feels like they’ve been shut off. right.
maybe five. right in the middle. like not gonna shoot myself but i’m not wasting your time. a nonanswer. like could be worse could be better. like i need help but i don’t want you to worry even though i need someone to worry about me because i can’t worry about myself. maybe five. but what if five is too small. what if five is too big. what if -
“on a scale of one to ten,” he repeats into your silence, and then pauses. “and please be honest about this.”
how to get away now
from weheartit
Tired and dead inside
I am officially tired, and giving up. I am not motivated to do the things I think I want to do, and now I’m doing things for the sake of money. I couldn’t stop working, and I want to stop working. I am fucking tired. I am demotivated and I just want to get away with everyone.
I began making the list
It was a no ordinary list, it was the list that I hated her for doing, and truth be told it was a list that’s never written but have always been memorized to my brain. How the first months together, her friends hated me for, and I was not properly introduced. So hurt by that notion, it was stamped on to my brain the fact that I had to endure her friend’s treatment. Of how I cried so hard that day at their house when she told me nobody from her people liked me, that I was a slut, or a control freak, and she did not defend me. They’ve thrown their words and she accepted it, thinking they’re entitled to their opinion.
Months came in and the list goes on, of how we talk about her family but none of mine, none on my end were asked whether I missed them or would I like to see them. And sometimes I could hear judgement when I tell updates on my end of the family I have. The list were a great deal for me, because it stayed there whenever I feel hurt, betrayed or sad. Months came in and on my birthday, nothing came in, even had a fight that day, and it was so lonely that the list was added up. I’ve always loved surprises but was never asked about that because she hates one.
I was never asked whether I like something because we always have to have her way. The list began to pile up, when I began to hate the things I love doing just because she does not like it. I stopped feeling motivated, I started feeling discouraged, and sometimes I feel like the only way to get away from it is to go far far away from here. To accept the opportunity and start afresh.
The list felt like a baggage of things that could have communicated and corrected, but if I become vocal, another list would add up because it would be my fault for making the list.
I started feeling guilty, started feeling like I’m making my own demands at my own accord. But didn’t my opinions matter? Didn’t my decisions matter? Am I sounding like a disgusting lover for wanting something that accords to my love language?
The list is here, does not go away.
And sometimes I just want to go away for it to go away
Far away
Burden
Oh Al the world looks dawn In gracious life it speaks on your soul The sun may set but come the moon Not as full as yesterday but smiles at you
Oh Al you can still cry You eyes will flash, the memories too You still can hope of better life Cheer up thy self you’ll see the light again
Oh Al never try What you feel right now may not tomorrow Death may sound good but does not really No friend or what You still matter
You may not know You may not feel But today is just another thought
Dont die myself
Day 23
Words can’t explain how utterly lost i am. I’ve been slapped with the harsh reality of disappointment and failure while realizing that I do not have an ounce of relevance in this world. Perhaps i will be needing the motivation of the nature.
Or maybe, the after life.
Path to perhaps
I am in a loop... between defiance to my plans and giving up on hope. I don’t know who i am. I could not discover what i want to be. I felt everything about me is fake. That everything i do and decide upon are all baseless and impulsive decision that i dealt with everyday.
Yesterday i opened this blog. And i saw my description, my posts and how utterly stupid this blog may sound. This is not a bowl of plant based smoothy, nor my adventure to my great perhaps.
This were all whines and call for help.
Help because i don’t know what i’m doing. I don’t know if i really am here. Perhaps not.
"Happiness" I'll be the one That stays 'till the end And I'll be the one That needs you again And I'll be the one that proposes In a garden of roses And truly loves you long after our curtain closes But will you still love me When nobody wants me around When I turn 81 and forget things Will you still be proud? Cause I am the one That waited this long And I am the one That might get it wrong And I'll be the one That will love you The way I'm supposed to, girl But will you still love me When nobody wants me around, around When I turn 81 and forget things Will you still be proud? Proud of me, of my short list of accomplishments Me and my lack of new news Me and my selfishness Or me and myself wish you nothing but a happy new version of you Cause I, I, I... I want you to tell me you find it hard to be yourself so I can say,"It's gonna be alright." And I want you to love me the way you love your family, the way you love to show me what it's like to be happy
I want a relationship where we can get drunk at midnight, just the two of us, and sit up talking and making out all night, and go to the beach at four in the morning. I want someone who’s down for adventure. I want someone who will go camping with me, and boating, and fishing, and travel. I want someone who wants me for life. I want passion that doesn’t burn out.
It was mother’s day yesterday.
When I was growing up, I always knew I was different from the usual norm even though I’ve been so used to doing the exact norm. I dressed the same, I talk the same and I love the same as everyone. These same features from everyone told me there was no such thing as different with me as any other ladies out there.
And the thing is, I am really no different than anyone because I love the same. Homosexuality isn’t something beneign from society that could be deemed different. I feel the same. And my rights to loving people should be the same. It’s not something that should question my humane ability to question my faith and morality. I am an advocate. I am also capable of loving.
My mother was wrong about it. When she questioned me she never asked if I am happy, she never questioned what made me feel in love with the person I’m with. Instead she questioned my faith, she questioned my values and the morals I got from her. She asked if I learned better, and she told me I was dirty for being homosexual. She made me hate her and she made me question her ability to strengthen a case because all she did was to demand that i do what she want because she’s my parent. She was once my hero but turned out to be a vilain in my very own story. I didn’t know mothers can hate their children for learning how to love their own way.
So when it was mother’s day I greeted her happy mother’s day. Not for raising me but for raising her two heterosexual children, and for growing up the way she want to. Because I can’t.