personal vent that i was trying not to post but tbh need to rant it out so i can (do literally anything) come back without going mental and deactivating because highkey i’m so bored i need tumblr x
this man is so fucking evil i’m going to kill him. like i genuinely don’t know why he is doing this to me and i’m so done, which is what i said like a billion times but omg like how do u get so fucking evil. i just want to cry for like eight hundred years because just why, we were talking so much for a week and then someone sent me a video of him singing the song he literally wrote for me and now everyone is going to think it’s about her and if i said anything that’s obviously psychotic but literally nobody is going to know that’s my fucking song and i feel like an idiot because i literally made fun of his songs to everyone after we broke up but it was actually so beautiful i just can’t. and i don’t know why but he calls me or messages me and we talk for like days then he blocks me randomly, it makes me think they have broken up and they haven’t and i feel like the fucking other woman but i was literally the first woman and they cheated first, that was also my fault and my fault we broke up obviously but why can’t it just go back to the way it was. I think he thought i didn’t love him and like i keep telling people i didn’t but i did i was just like stupid and bored and being fucking self absorbed but it would’ve worked out by now if i we had just made up when i asked him to, i literally forgave him for everything then and i still don’t blame him for the cheating ffs i just wish he would make up his mind. it sounds so bad but i know that i know him better like we have more in common and we were better friends before and when he messages me it’s always about stuff he can’t say to her or just films or shows only we’ve seen, and i just think he’s with her because his friends rlly like her and she’s a lot fucking prettier and cooler or whatever. she’s rlly nice but i just don’t know why they r together when they don’t seem that interested in eachother and they r leading me and other people on…?
and i see them everywhere and i see him so much and i’m expected to be friends with him by everyone when like i can’t do that, it’s either we r together or i never want to see him because i actually can’t. and i get that my friends just all want to hang out without it being awkward but i’m literally like can u guys not just choose me, like he fuckwd up not me, i’m going to scream. but they all also want me to stay away from him at the same time like he’s here so u have to play fucking twister together and be normal but don’t talk to him, like wtf, and they feel awkward too but at least they have other friends, it’s like everyone insist on putting me throught the most evil humiliation ritual possible.
but i do genuinely still love him even tho i’m mad and i try to make fun of him to my friends but like i know him and he was like the only person who really genuinely understood me and shared all of my interests and he is such a like decent person like maybe it’s manipulation but i feel like he didn’t mean for all this to happen like he has always been so lovely to me when we were together. plus i know i wont be with anyone else for ages because idk i just feel like i’m losing confidence in that, like the other fish in the sea don’t fucking want me and i don’t want them so tf idk. like i have tried to move on but i just don’t care, like i didn’t care at all about them and like i felt actually evil when i got annoyed with them for like existing near me. and the only person i feel at all normal around is him and he knows that so like that’s why we still talk but it just makes it so much worse but i can’t not do it cuz idk id just kms because i can’t tell my friends about it because they already think i’m pathetic with him and like yeah it’s absolutely true, literally proven by the fact that i embarrass myself every time he’s brought up.
worst part is that he came to my house and gave me a present for finishing exams and a letter and he signed it i love u so much, because what does that mean. i hate him so much rn, i want to ask about it like a month ago his friend said he was annoyed when i started talking to my other ex and then at my friends party he literally didn’t stop talking to me. i can’t rlly tell if it’s like manipulation or if he’s genuinely jealous because he rlly isn’t the kind of controlling person. i don’t think its delusional to think he still may want to be with me but if that’s true like he literally just could because he’s the only person i want to be with
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