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My last moments with Berkeley

Going through the roughest week of my entire Senior year, during the last week of my Senior year. I only have one final this semester, but it is as if Berkeley just can’t let me off easy. Currently fighting a cold sore virus infection..it is day 7 today. I’ve spent my entire dead week fighting this. This is my first time dealing with the virus so I had multiple severe symptoms besides the painful cold sores on my lip. Fever, headache, muscle ache, not to mention swollen gums that make eating that much more painful. I can’t go out without putting on a mask because my conditions would seriously scare people. Apparently there really isn’t much that can be done since it’s a virus. Doctor said if I went in a couple days earlier, the antivirals could have done more help. As you can probably predict, my studying is 0 mph. When motivation is already zero added on with physical discomfort, it really beats it dead to the ground. I’ve been a downer this entire week and I sincerely apologize to those around me who’s had to watch me be this miserable. Things aren’t getting better much so it’s really discouraging waking up every day to see everything the same. And I don’t know what I’m doing after I graduate. Graduation is exactly 1 week away. Things are a mess. I’m clearly not even anywhere near ready.

I just want to be healthy again...

#sickthoughts

hplyrikz

February Thoughts

People choose the love they think they deserve.

That’s something I read somewhere, or something someone once told me. I can’t remember which, or maybe it was both. I understood it at the time, but couldn’t really resonate with it. Why? Probably because I was torn between knowing that ....at the time in the situation.. I knew I deserved better, yet I wanted it to work. Fairytale endings right? Hence I stuck through all the BS in my past, which to many people, seemed completely idiotic which I do agree in retrospect, to some extent. You see, everyone judges the first split second they hear something or see something. Chances are you only know 1/100th of the actual situation. Given the circumstances, sticking through the BS, the lies, the cheating, the broken promises, was what I needed to give up in the end. Think about that the next time you hear a story and you’re about to say something like“yeah he had a psycho girlfriend”. Also, I guess take things with a grain of salt when your partner says “ yeah my ex was crazy”. Chances are, theres more to that story than you’ll ever really know. Or maybe I’m so jaded by one-sided stories that this is just my cautious thinking now. I may not be a type A, who finish everything perfectly and never stop until then. I leave things in semicolons and more oftentimes than not, I don’t go back to finish with a period. It’s a flaw I need to work on. Unfinished books, unfinished goals. But one thing I always refuse to place a semicolon on is my relationship, not just with significant other but with friends too. I fight till the end. I fight and swallow bitterness, unhappiness, until I overflow. It’s unhealthy, I know. Any relationship requires two to work together. Communication. I know. I know all this. I preach it to my friends. I preach it to myself. But I still catch myself swallowing. The fear to face reality-- to admit incompatibility, it’s like admitting defeat. To myself. That I’ve once again, fooled myself. I think I’ve grown a lot. I know I deserve well, and to be honest I’m treated well. Or at least I think I am. I can’t tell if I’m tricking myself into thinking that or I’m too conditioned by social media standards to a point where I am discontent because somewhere out there someone is treated even better. Or so it seems on social media. Fuck social media. The power that drives temptation, jealousy, infidelity. Why do I keep looking for loopholes? Flaws? Reasons to be unhappy? Reasons to want to jump ship? Is it because I’m jaded and don’t think I deserve genuine happiness? I’m insecure. It’s not my personality nor style to be this internally insecure. The fear of not being good enough, the fear of not being valuable enough to deserve to be loved and cherished. The fear of not being significant enough. I don’t know where the insecurity grew from to be honest. Perhaps it’s due to the uncertainties in my career/life goals that made me feel this way. I feel small. I almost want to say it’s because I’m not ready to accept this genuine happiness. My career is unsettled, I’m not content with myself, I’m not proud of anything. I’m not nearly as healthy as I used to be either. Therefore it seems like the prize came too soon. Way...way too soon. I ate that fruit before it was ripe enough to eat. Haven’t written in forever, it feels good. Feels good to let my thoughts flow. I feel like a clogged up sink. Can’t breathe...

3 months

In three months, I’ll have my degree.

In three months, I’ll (hopefully) know what I’m doing with that degree. In three months....adult world officially begins. Three months. A lot can happen, but only if I put in work and cherish each and every day. I’m afraid of goodbyes to familiarity, yet excited for great change. What is change without some goodbyes right?

#endofweekendthoughts

karolinaone

thebasicfeel-blog

11.9.2015 I miss spontaneity. I miss living in the moment. I miss being in this romantic city. Crazy to think that I came to this place, thanks to guidance my then- boyfriend. Experiencing the beauty of this world, peering into this land of unknown, trying new foods like Escargot and drinking the too- expensive, richest money worthy hot chocolate in Paris. Eating a four entree meal of Soufflés, or authentic cheese fondue with wine. And my favorite-- eating endless baguettes and crepes while strolling on the streets to art museums and ancient churches. Watching Les Miserables live show in London. These are crazy college memories I will look back upon, and forever remember. Adventures. My crave to travel again-- This is my goal. To live and experience everything this world has to offer, beyond the safety bubble of home. Maybe this next year is really the chance to step out and really live.

#strivingtobecultured #priceless

Happiness is so fragile, and so easy to revert

Cherish your stability, you never know when you might lose balance

what.

The insurmountable amount of disgust and disappointment. What have you become lol or I guess in a way this is who you are and I just never saw that. Unfortunately. Maybe that’s why I felt like there was so much character conflict. I liked you because you weren’t like one of them, you preached that you were able to get away from invasive poisonous gang mentality. But now you’re the leader of it. You’re the exact version that you used to talk down on. I think this is where we always struggled. What you say and how you act were always in incongruence. Have fun, I guess. Carry on, sorry for disrupting your game. Good to know you’ve gotten that “skill” back, maybe NOW you feel more wholesome

currently feeling so dumb. wishing I can rewind a week back and redo everything. Some things are best not rushed. sigh and one would think I should learn that by now....

oh what I would do to be able to live in balanced peace again and not be so influenced by this

9.28

Lesson to learn: Not just be thankful but vocalize your appreciation for others Today at work, I was shifted alone during a busy hour. I was bombarded with printing issues and log in problems from multiple clients. Being in the midst of midterm stress this week (i have 4), frantic stress got to me and it made me want to give up and cry. However, after resolving issues one at a time and calling my supervisor for advice, I managed to keep the computer lab in control. I wasn’t in a great mood, since I intended on studying during my shift but instead spent 2 hours dealing with computer stuff. Thirty minutes later, a middle aged man who I always see, came up to me to thank me for being here and helping everyone out. This wasn’t the first time I’ve seen him thank our consultants for our work. It definitely brightened my day. It’s important to remember that even though someone is doing something they should be doing, whether it’s because they’re paid to or it’s part of their responsibility, you should always make sure they’re recognized and appreciated for their efforts because a little encouragement can go a long way.

Highs and Lows

I wish we never talked. Although circumstances made us face logistical issues we had to resolve, I wish it wasn’t now. Because I know we’re on very different frequencies right now. I imagined this first conversation to be way smoother, more gentle, and even loving. But it wasn’t. It was distant, foreign, and ...logistical. I felt no warmth anymore. Maybe you’re bitter, or just not there yet. I don’t know. In a way this saddens me quite a bit. I’m beginning to think that I probably lost my best friend forever. The version of you that I grew comfortable to, the version of you I opened up to and trusted wholeheartedly--- probably won’t ever come back again. Because inevitably, people change. If that really is the case, I wish I took more time to say that last goodbye to the you that was a part of me.

9.22

Currently: Growing and learning through the tension of uncertainty

Sacrifice

Balance and perspective. The two key things I learned to value these past year or so of my life. As I scrolled through the 46 slides of dense information on dietetic internship, I couldn’t help but feel my stomach turn. The last time I felt this anxiety was probably around end of summer before Senior year of high school...when I sat in on a seminar discussing college admission/application. The feeling of regrets and inadequacy suddenly overwhelmed me. I felt my ears ring and blood rush to my head. The admission statistics. I’m barely good enough. What happens if I don’t get matched this year? My science GPA isn’t high. That cuts my chance. Letters of recs? Interview? Personal statement? What if I do get matched but it’s out in the middle of nowhere? My eyes glazed over the application timeline....now till December. GRE. Letters of Rec. Straight As. It’s a must. Time is ticking way too fast. Then January: Applications and personal statements. Feburary and March, interviews.

The unknown future is looming over my head. Not knowing where I’ll end up in the country is even scarier than college apps, when at least at that time I knew I could at least get into a school SOMEWHERE in California. I quickly pulled up my transcript. My mind flashes to moments of ups and downs in my life, poor decisions, lack of vision, immaturity...mirrored directly onto my transcript that is summed up with a number. GPA. I’m writing this post-- to remind myself to take it a step at a time. Balance. I know I will be making lots of sacrifices this next school year, until April when results come out. Friends, fun leisure activities, it’ll be worth it. I’m glad that I’ve settled down after this summer. A necessary first step. Time to get your shit together and make something out of college. What’s the point of attending a great university but walk out empty handed? I can do this. But for now I must not be overwhelmed. Perspective, Amy. It’s not too late. It’s never too late. Bigger picture. Even if you’re knocked down, just stand back up again. Don’t give up

On a brighter note, I kicked ass during TSA interviews today. I better get that position. Here's to new connections and challenges

#breathe

Toxic unhappy thoughts

I’ve been poisoned. Last night, I was spontaneously invited out by mutual friends to go to kbars with couple business frat people, including my ex. We’ve been on ok terms so it didn’t seem like it would have been a problem. Man was I wrong. We all chilled at the house afterwords and it was a downward spiral, a backwards retrace of my darkest stroll down memory lane. A stroll that was completely unnecessary and hurtful to my stability and mental happiness. Don’t get me wrong-- I had a great time eating good food and playing drinking games with all these people. However, interacting with him at a social setting just reminded me of every reason why he turned me into the unhappy person that I was before I pulled myself out of that relationship. And sadly, not a single part of these flaws changed, while I’ve changed so much on my end. It was like revisiting a place you grew up at-- a place you had so many memories with and then being there again years later. And being disappointed because everything felt different, in a negative way. The me now could not tolerate him the way I used to. The old me was able to handle it, over look it, endure it, and see the good in him even as a friend. But not anymore. The me now , with a lot more self respect and self interest, I’ve come such a long way now. I’m at a much better place--- so much so that it’s making me realize how toxic it is to be even acquaintances with him because we are on such polar ends of the spectrum. His manipulations, shady ways, and shameless lack of integrity. Some people are best left in memories.

I used to have an attachment for you, but that was all because of the memories. That is all gone now. I’ve been running on “memories” for so long that it has depleted pretty much all faith I have left in you to become a better person. That’s probably why I never outwardly hated you or bad mouthed you to others the way people think I should. Not that I will do that now-- but I got nothing good to say. Today has been a moody tough day for me. I was thrown off track by toxins that suddenly came into my life. I couldn’t even hang out with all of you in that room or hold a decent conversation with you without feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was physically being pulled down from my ladder that I worked so hard to climb. That’s why I walked home by myself-- 3AM. I caught myself thinking: what the hell am I doing here? I have nothing to gain and everything to lose. I had to remove myself from that toxic environment, from toxic people in my life. But I shall learn from my mistakes. It won’t happen again. Today, I also hung out with another toxic person in my life. My once-close-friend who has completely lost herself to her own toxic relationship, turning into a toxic person. Today I asked her if she sees a solid long term future with him, after hearing her vaguely telling us the shit she’s been dealing with yet defending him at the same time. Her answer ? “I see a solid future with him and that’s why I’m sticking through this. We just have to get over this hump that’s all.” What hump? This cheating thing is just a hump? It has been the bulk of your entire relationship. What grounds of a future are you building off of? Have you really degraded yourself to a point of no self respect? Where even at times like these you’re going to defend him when we try to tell you to see things for yourself? wake UP. Everyone agreed- hanging out with her was miserable. She is such an unhappy soul yet doesn’t want to be helped.

Toxic people frustrate me now. Do you guys ever stop to self reflect and think of the kind of person you’re becoming? I’ve come such a long way, I can’t help but feel the necessity to really remove/ distance myself from anything that harms my happiness and mental health. This makes me miss you terribly, Sam. Me running into all these negative things in my life that I disconnect with. You were my detox as well as my healthy dose of supplements that helped build my health. Today is an off day. But tomorrow will be better. I will be on track again.

Thank you to my best friend @braediii for this heartwarming, delicate 21st birthday present. A personalized rose gold bracelet engraved with the coordinates of where we first met. The day my life changed forever. Thank you for being the amazing sister that I'm so lucky to have beside me day in and day out. Hands down the sappiest present that I'm madly in love with. I love you 💕 #youknowmetoowell

#youknowmetoowell

Thinking Twice

I still think in twos.

This is probably the strangest healing process I’ve experienced. I’m not lost but instead, I feel alive. All this stability amongst what was suppose to be chaos just reconfirms one thing. Breaking up was the right decision and that I was in a healthy relationship that added positivity into my life and my personality. The relationship made me more grounded, selfishly goal oriented, patient, and mature. That is why when the relationship no longer exist, my thought processes and personality remains the same. I have developed my own stability throughout the past 7 months, and not dependent on the relationship, which was a problem I struggled with in the past. I’m not just surviving the “post breakup days”, but I’m actually living presently.

Every day I catch myself looking forward to new challenges, with an inner excitement to discover more about myself and others. I’ve always been an optimistic person but now I feel a growing fire inside me. A drive to succeed in my own definition of success. It could be because I’ve adopted a new mentality entering senior year--- Time is precious, make decisions that your future self will thank you for. But I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I know you are running the same marathon as well. In a way, we are in this together.

However, as the days go by, I catch myself still saving a mental list of things I want to share with you because I still think in twos. New thoughts, discoveries, and achievements. Especially the little things in my day that make me happy. Like how my $10 salad today turned out to be $5 AND came with a free cookie due to a special store promotion that I was not aware of. Or that I tried 9 different angel food cakes in food lab today and felt so nauseous because I’m not used to eating sweets anymore. I never thought this day would come. Taste buds do change!

Until we reconnect again, I guess I will just save all these little moments into a memory bank. I hope you are finding these little joys in corners of your life as well, so you can share the happiness with me some time down the road.

The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Honestly Tuesdays with Morrie was a hundred times better but I liked the idea of this book. The fact that every story is intertwined with another, and one life effects another regardless of whether it was intentional or not. Relationships---- each person bringing something they have to offer into another person’s life during the relationship. An exchange of each person’s strengths while accommodating the other’s weakness. And when their paths no longer cross, they go their separate ways, but dramatically influenced by their “person”. Then life moves on, each person crossing paths with the next.

My favorite part:

Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.

I wouldn’t necessarily agree with the theme tho. The fact that Eddie’s life had to be “defined” by someone else in order for him to be “content”. To me, life is about creating and adding your own meaning and interpretation. Eddie was discontent. Yes he did change many people’s lives by protecting them, but he died unsatisfied because it wasn’t what he wanted to do, it wasn’t what he saw as “meaningful”. It may be meaningful to others-- such as the lives he protected but I don’t think it was self fulfilling enough. He didn’t push himself, instead, he settled. And Mitch, you let him off the hook way too easily with that, when he got to heaven. This is almost a free pass--- an “ it’s ok if you settle and live life the way Eddie did, passively. Because somehow it will be meaningful in the end.” As if interpretation from that little girl reversed all the regrets Eddie had about his life. Sorry Mitch Albom, I didn’t like how you strung that theme.

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