That’s something I read somewhere, or something someone once told me. I can’t remember which, or maybe it was both. I understood it at the time, but couldn’t really resonate with it. Why? Probably because I was torn between knowing that ....at the time in the situation.. I knew I deserved better, yet I wanted it to work. Fairytale endings right? Hence I stuck through all the BS in my past, which to many people, seemed completely idiotic which I do agree in retrospect, to some extent. You see, everyone judges the first split second they hear something or see something. Chances are you only know 1/100th of the actual situation. Given the circumstances, sticking through the BS, the lies, the cheating, the broken promises, was what I needed to give up in the end. Think about that the next time you hear a story and you’re about to say something like“yeah he had a psycho girlfriend”. Also, I guess take things with a grain of salt when your partner says “ yeah my ex was crazy”. Chances are, theres more to that story than you’ll ever really know. Or maybe I’m so jaded by one-sided stories that this is just my cautious thinking now.
I may not be a type A, who finish everything perfectly and never stop until then. I leave things in semicolons and more oftentimes than not, I don’t go back to finish with a period. It’s a flaw I need to work on. Unfinished books, unfinished goals. But one thing I always refuse to place a semicolon on is my relationship, not just with significant other but with friends too. I fight till the end. I fight and swallow bitterness, unhappiness, until I overflow. It’s unhealthy, I know. Any relationship requires two to work together. Communication. I know. I know all this. I preach it to my friends. I preach it to myself. But I still catch myself swallowing. The fear to face reality-- to admit incompatibility, it’s like admitting defeat. To myself. That I’ve once again, fooled myself.
I think I’ve grown a lot. I know I deserve well, and to be honest I’m treated well. Or at least I think I am. I can’t tell if I’m tricking myself into thinking that or I’m too conditioned by social media standards to a point where I am discontent because somewhere out there someone is treated even better. Or so it seems on social media. Fuck social media. The power that drives temptation, jealousy, infidelity.
Why do I keep looking for loopholes? Flaws? Reasons to be unhappy? Reasons to want to jump ship? Is it because I’m jaded and don’t think I deserve genuine happiness? I’m insecure. It’s not my personality nor style to be this internally insecure. The fear of not being good enough, the fear of not being valuable enough to deserve to be loved and cherished. The fear of not being significant enough. I don’t know where the insecurity grew from to be honest. Perhaps it’s due to the uncertainties in my career/life goals that made me feel this way. I feel small.
I almost want to say it’s because I’m not ready to accept this genuine happiness. My career is unsettled, I’m not content with myself, I’m not proud of anything. I’m not nearly as healthy as I used to be either. Therefore it seems like the prize came too soon. Way...way too soon.
I ate that fruit before it was ripe enough to eat.
Haven’t written in forever, it feels good. Feels good to let my thoughts flow. I feel like a clogged up sink. Can’t breathe...