the bear is (still) trying

not giving up yet

[thebearistrying]

Writing this with the deepest compassion for those that are not going to be where they want to be this Christmas, but I have arrived with my family, who are my support bubble - despite the fact I have seen them literally once in 2020. They (there's 3 of them) don't have any social contacts so it feels safe/responsible (and also possibly explains why I'm so socially stunted 😂). Drive was exhausting and stressful, and I'm relieved to have arrived safely. Also relieved that the criticism and conflict I predicted hasn't materialised. Yet. Feels like onlyva matter of time but for now we're on our best behaviour. This was my first meal - all prepared and portioned by my mum. Going with it. I know it will get harder but for now I'm so damned relieved to be safe. There is a truly ridiculous amount of food (I was about to say 'the kind of foods I'd b/p' but to be honest that category now includes anything vaguely edible) but I have zero desire to go anywhere near it. I feel safe and contained when I'm with people. (So only slightly problematic that I live alone then 🙄) [Homemade lentil loaf (leftover from last Christmas Day, via 12 months hibernation in the freezer), cheesy re-baked baked potato, tenderstem broccoli and flat beans, homemade cranberry sauce (also leftover from last Christmas from the freezer). Yes, it was really good. Still feeling calm. Kinda proud. What eating disorder, eh?] https://www.instagram.com/p/CJHXUnIJKXOsI8gZGKAbh1yi8-PdOT79ldyglM0/?igshid=4uvlnsotuled

[thebearistrying]

Crap.

I've lost my closest friend.

I don't know what to say.

Fuck eating disorders.

[reverecurrent]

Illustration by Japanese artist, Chiho Makino. // Michael Sowa cover art for A BEAR CALLED SUNDAY.

[thebearistrying]

Welp. I submitted a request to extend my sick note for a week and now my (recently returned from maternity leave) GP wants to see me IN PERSON and now my brain is going wild. I'd just about got to grips with the concept that having a serious mental (and physical) health problem (with a not inconsiderable mortality rate) was adequate grounds for prioritising recovery.... but now I'm convinced she's going to tell me to get my lazy arse back to work and that she won't prescribe another month of pregabalin and she needs to see me in person so she can shout at me and make me feel worthless. Or..... she's picked up on the fact I've had two hospital admissions in the last two months and bloods are heading south again (with possibly a marker for kidney damage as well this time 😭) and I don't have any mental health support or physical monitoring aside from sporadic blood tests..... Nope, she's definitely going to yell at me for malingering 😭.

[thebearistrying]

I can't stop sobbing today. Crying in the street. Crying in a coffee shop. I'm quite sure they don't want a teary weirdo sat in the corner of their stylish hipster venue but I can't move. I don't know what to do, where to go, how to be. Grief is hitting hard.

[thebearistrying]

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

That is all.

[thebearistrying]

Today has been brought to you by the concept: just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

[mush-dooms]

hate to break it to me but therapy is worthless unless I actually apply the things that I have learned to my actual real life. getting overwhelmed at the store? hmm, perhaps a grounding exercise is in order rather than hyperventilating in the kitchenware aisle and next time I should bring my headphones. having a depressive episode? hmm, maybe I should try drawing and journaling instead of lying on the floor for two hours and then finding a way to hurt myself. sad but still functional? perhaps I should go for a walk and call a friend instead of hitting next episode and wondering why no one wants to talk to me. 

the thing about mental health is that no one can fix your brain for you. sure, they can prescribe medications and teach you ways to reprogram your brain and lend a shoulder to cry on, but at the end of the day it has to be you putting in the effort. you have to want to get better and you have to, you know, actually use the techniques you are learning or nothing is going to change. 

I know it is difficult to separate who you are from what you’ve been diagnosed with. letting go of what feels like an integral part of your person is like to detangle a pair of headphones that’s been put through a dryer, but it’s something that has to happen and something that will feel so much better in the long run. probably the best piece of advice I’ve learned in therapy is that I have to do what I want to do, not what anxiety/depression/eating disorder wants to do. managing mental health and trying to recover is so damn hard and requires like, actual work, but hey, we got this. we’re in this together.

[mush-dooms]

rock bottom…. is where you stop digging. 

there is no sick enough. there is no point that you’ll finally decide you have suffered enough, that your debt has been repaid. you do not have to keep waiting for some event you believe is tragic our traumatic or painful to justify your pain. that moment will not come. rock bottom is where you stop digging. put down the shovel. start to climb your way out.

[thebearistrying]

I'm posting a bit more on my ~recovery Instagram~ (currently slightly more shitshowcarcrash than recovery but there's an underlying intention/desperation for recovery) than Tumblr these days. In case anyone over here is interested, here's where my life is at (tw everything):

I guess the first thing to acknowledge is that I have gotten quite unwell. Difficult to say that word.

ED Service don't want anything to do with me, which is Fine. I don't want anything to do with them either as I know it gets really dysfunctional because deep down I just want to be cared for (zomg so much shame).

I asked my GP whether I could be signed off work for a little while and she readily agreed. Now I just need to actually use this time to get more stable... Last 2 days have gone okay-ish.

I'm going to start pregabalin again tonight (if I go collect prescription) which I remember did help with the whole debilitating anxiety thing when I took it previously.

My weight is really nowhere near healthy and whilst my eating disorder is thrilled I'm super-frustrated because at some point (um, like now would be a good time to start) I need to regain if I want to be warm and more mentally/emotionally stable (I'm so fucking irritable and bitter right now and I am not a fan of this aspect of Bear).

I'm trying really hard to maintain/grow/nurture connections/friendships despite big old pull to isolate. No one will need me to explain how the pandemic situation is conspiring with my AvPD traits to make that freakin' tough.

I'm very fortunate to live in Tier 1 (for now) but we're definitely teetering on the edge of Tier 2 (and very much the wrong colour on the government arcgis map).

Okayyyy. When there's a break in hurricane Epsilon I'm going to waddle down to the doctors' surgery to collect my prescription for pregabalin and super-strength haemorrhoid cream 🤦 (hence the waddle, and yes I Googled the spelling on an incognito tab in Chrome but oversharing all over Tumblr because that's what it's for, right? I feel my existence here helps other people feel better about their lives...). The GP surgery is hilariously apocalyptic: one person at a time may enter the porch and they refuse to communicate with you other than through the intercom to a back office. Eventually you might summon a member of reception staff in mask, gloves and disposable apron who will post the prescription underneath the locked door.

I also need to return library books that I have somehow accrued a £25 fine on through a mixture of forgetfulness/apathy/executive dysfunction/fear of misunderstanding whatever their Covid-secure measures are. Most libraries round here seem to be closed on a Wednesday though but I really need to bite the bullet today whilst I remember and feel sufficiently motivated not to accrue another day of overdue fees.

[thebearistrying]

Today I did a social thing (had a cup of tea with 3 other people) and dusted one (1) item of furniture. I am killin' it.

[thebearistrying]

Listen brain, I know you've got a lot of bullshit and emotions that need processing but I don't think I'm going to be the person who can help you with that. I'm just... not in a good place, not very stable. Take what happened at lunchtime: really simple meal with your friends J and E... and you just... lost your shit. That cannot keep happening. Because meals need to keep happening. And you cannot hijack the entire body with your wild display of emotional distress each time. It's not cool. Not productive. And can ultimately take us to some quite dangerous places. So just stoppit, 'kay?

[thebearistrying]

Ooh 'eck - I wonder when I get to stop crying so much?

[thebearistrying]

So aware that I need to change and that is really fuelling the fire of panic and hopelessness and rage and this feels impossible.

[thebearistrying]

Disconsolate, irritable and bitter. That's the price I'm paying for restriction. Get it into that stubborn bear brain that THIS IS REALLY NOT WORKING OUT VERY WELL FOR YOU.

[thebearistrying]

Weather is unexpectedly lovely. Why can I not get myself out the door to enjoy it? Oh, I'll just sit here being thin and sad, that'll do me. No. No it won't. I want better. I can do better.

[thebearistrying]

Did outsiding. Glad I did. It was very beautiful out and felt like The Right Thing To Do™️. Some autumnal melancholy feels. But mostly still emptiness and boring repetitive worries. Nearly through another day.

[thebearistrying]

Weather is unexpectedly lovely. Why can I not get myself out the door to enjoy it? Oh, I'll just sit here being thin and sad, that'll do me. No. No it won't. I want better. I can do better.