The Blogging Aurora

[sexworkerproblems]

"When I want sex, or companionship, or to watch porn, I do just that. I get turned on by, well, the things that turn me on."

[For context, see the porn for sex workers post and responses 1, 2, and 3. The same Friend of SWP from that dialogue wrote this submission.]

Maybe it’s just in the UK, or maybe it’s just the people outside of my circle of friends; The people, whom upon meeting me and finding out that I’m a sex worker (specifically, I’m a camwhore, coming up to my two-year mark), assume that I’m more driven by the acquisition of money than most. Maybe it’s because they can’t imagine that choosing to become a sex worker was a fairly neutral thing for me. Maybe it’s because to them, performing on camera is something distasteful, and something that they’d need to be paid above-the-odds to do. Maybe it’s because of the stereotype of the money-grubbing-whore, which has so much currency around here (If she’ll “sell her body”, she must be prepared to sell anything). On the other side of that, is the “whore with a heart of gold” idea, in that in being a camwhore I must be on some level a really caring and compassionate person – Someone who’s an “enlightened angelic wh*re who’s dedicated to improving the lives of her clients with her magical compassionate pussy.” – I’m not that either, I care no more or less about my clients than I do about most near-strangers (a vague sense of goodwill and hope that they don’t interfere too much with my lifestyle), other than that I generally want them to be happy for between five minutes and half an hour so that they keep paying me.

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[thebloggingaurora]

Dating in the Industry

http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2013/08/ask-dr-nerdlove-pretty-woman/

Dating as a sex worker can be hard. Really hard. Especially if you are in more “extreme” branches such as escorting or porn. Though strippers, camgirls, “massage” girls, nude models, pro-dommes, and other such workers are still definitely stigmatized. Questions and discussions like the one in the link above are so common amongst sex worker forums, I almost feel like we should have an entirely separate website just to address the perils of dating as a "working girl."

  Dating is already hard. Being a sex worker brings along a whole new slew of complications. When to tell, who to tell, how much to tell. When to have sex to avoid being seen yet again as just an easy sex object. And at the end of it all, you have no real control over how certain people will react or respond or deal with it. It blows – hard – to see someone for awhile only for it all to come crashing down when they find out the truth and run away.

  Some advocate waiting so they get to know the real you and may be able to deal with their prejudices better. Some advocate telling right off the bat so you don’t waste your time with those uncomfortable with it.

And then there are people, both fellow sex workers and men (either in or out of the industry) who advocate that you just don’t date. Don’t bother trying. It’s too complicated. The job is not compatible with a “healthy” and stable romantic life. Just focus on your money and don’t worry about trying to find a respectable man and relationship until you quit and move onto “bigger and better” things. There are even some sex workers who claim they wouldn’t want a man who is ok with their girlfriend doing that line of work – that no decent man would be ok with it. Or they just don’t believe that any decent man would want them.

  Sometimes it’s easier to fall into the first line of thinking and just seclude yourself. It’s a pain in the ass, and painful, to try to find someone you’re compatible with in the first place – especially if you’re a fiercely independent woman working in a world where you can’t help but hate men sometimes – let alone find someone you’re compatible with who is also going to accept and be able to communicate maturely about your line of work. So yeah, I can understand just not wanting to deal with it.

  But I can’t do that. I can’t seclude myself or pretend that I’m not still interested in romance. I can’t believe that sex workers can’t have healthy and fulfilling relationships with decent men who understand and are mature about it. I know it happens. I’ve seen it. There are too many porn stars, escorts, camgirls, dancers, models – both in the mainstream and who I’ve talked to online or in my personal life – who have successful relationships and jobs in sex work for me to believe this line of thinking that it’s just not possible. Or that no decent men are ok with it – or would want “someone like you.” That seems rather hypocritical, if not completely self-hating?

  I don’t have to have a romantic relationship. I’ve had very few in my life, and even fewer that last longer than a few months. I often go years between even being interested in people on more than a superficial level. And quite honestly, I’m generally more productive when I’m single, because the wrong relationship can really bring you down and (clearly) I haven’t found the right one yet.

  But I can’t just say that I’m not interested in dating at all right now or that I absolutely must remain single while being a sex worker. Because if I do that, I’m just setting in motion the idea that I’m not worthy. That no one decent would want me because of my job. That I have something to be ashamed of or nothing else to offer as long as I do this.

  Fuck that. I like my job – a lot, for various reasons. And those reasons can give insight into important parts of my personality. But I don’t think any of those parts are bad. And no matter what, I am not my job. Or, at least, I’m not the Hollywood, stereotyped version of my job that people think of if they’ve never really looked into the industry or had a direct and intellectual conversation with me about it. And to say that my life isn’t compatible to romance or love or allowing other decent human beings to be around me and accept me, is just silly and self-defeating. And I won’t do it.

  The industry is damn lonely enough without adding “I can’t possibly date” to the list. It’s difficult, and disheartening at times – but men who are ok with sex work are not unicorns. They do exist. As evidenced by this fabulous blog written by the boyfriend of a sex worker:

http://christianbvega.blogspot.ca/2013/04/how-to-date-sex-worker.html

[thebloggingaurora]

My Philosophy

I link to this in my previous blog entry, but I feel it also serves as a stand-alone must-read about how I view my life plan.

  My philosophy when it comes to life and going through it, is to have plans, have goals, have dreams, and be passionate about them, but don’t become so focused on them that you completely ignore the random chances that come your way. Because, unless they’re things that have a really short shelf life, like being a professional sports player or a ballerina, you can almost always start over or go back to your plans and dreams. But the random chances… those may never come again. 

It’s good to have goals in life and to pursue them, because otherwise, you’re just sitting around purposeless, but overall, life isn’t designed to follow your exact game plan, and it would just be silly and, in some cases, self-defeating, to try to make it. If you ignore every great chance that comes your way and just plow ahead to achieve your very specific plans, you’ll reach them – probably a lot quicker than you would have even imagined – but once you’re there… then what?

You know, it’s great that you made it to your goal, but besides that, what else do you have to show for all those years?

But if you delayed or possibly altered your goals a couple times as you stopped to take chances, whether they be some cool job you never thought of, or an amazing person you didn’t expect to meet, or the chance to travel the world for a couple years… if you’re really that passionate about your goals, you’ll still make it there eventually, but when you do, you’ll have your dream plus a lot more than you would have if you hadn’t taken the time for any opportunities along the way.

In some ways, life is short, but I also think people really underestimate just how much time they have if they take care of themselves. If you get to your dream job by the time you’re 30, that’s still 30-35 years of doing the exact same thing every single day… if you’re really ambitious and accomplish it by the time you’re 25, that’s 35-40 years to do the same thing every day… that’s a long fucking time. 

I think people are so obsessed with youth and feeling like anything that happens after 30 is too far away, and so inculcated into a culture of instant gratification – gotta be successful with lots of money now – that they really don’t see or appreciate just how much free time they really have to take chances along the way. You always have the rest of your life to work tirelessly every single day. Before that happens, take some time off.

It’s not necessarily that it’s a bad thing that in this day and age people are pursuing power careers before more fun or social things in life, but that’s only if you truly have no desire to take the fun and social opportunities that come to you. If they do come to you, and you want them, take them. Chances are, you’ll regret doing what you want to do a whole lot less than you’ll regret just doing what you think you should.

I’m not a big “everything happens for a reason” person, but I do think that life doesn’t just lead to you to a bunch of opportunities so you can pass them by. And I do believe that even if those random opportunities don’t really work out, that you learn something and can take away wisdom and knowledge for future endeavors from anything, so at the very least, you have experience and stories to tell about your crazy journey to the top. If you get to the top and have no stories to tell because you were too busy working to take any risks, that’s boring. 

Life is meant to be lived, not just conquered. Your dreams will always be there, so don’t waste the other opportunities that life throws to you.

[thebloggingaurora]

Freedom

I love the "You're Fucked, But You're Free" article (posted below).

A personal look at my own life at the moment and how I feel the concept of freedom, youth, and random opportunities applies to me right now:

http://wherethelightscross.blogspot.com/2013/08/freedom.html

[thebloggingaurora]

You're Fucked, But You're Free: A Message To The Class Of 2013

It's May, which means it's time once again for actors and writers and politicians and whatever Thomas Friedman is to hit the graduation circuit and hold senior classes hostage for hours and hours in 85-degree heat. These grad speeches are little more than TED talks in funny hats. Trust me: One day, you will see speakers ditch the podium and go straight for the telemarketer ear piece and microphone, the way TED speakers do it. Here's the format for most of these speeches...

[thebloggingaurora]

Mental Switch

How do bartenders go to bars after work? How do servers go to restaurants? Can amusement park workers still enjoy going to a park on their day off?

A personal analysis of the dramatic mental switch that happens the second I walk into a strip club:

http://wherethelightscross.blogspot.com/2013/08/mental-switch.html