Short Thoughts Before a Move
I'm changing jobs, I'm about to do a Fellows Program at a church in Charlottesville. My job is going to be music.... !!! My whole job! Music! and Worship leading! I'm very excited.
I have not been excited about much recently though. I have felt lonely, depressed, afraid, and distant from God. I run to the Lord in prayer and supplication often, beseeching an answer for my recent despair. I have asked for him to draw near, or at least for him to give me a brief moment of comfort to strengthen my heart in a season of emotional difficulty.
For a whole summer, nothing. No answer, no reasons, no comfort. It has destroyed what should have been some happy moments, some intimate moments. I fear he has left me for good, like my wretchedness has finally caused his departure from my life.
I dress my wounds with the truth of the gospel. "He has you, even if you can't feel it. You are covered by the blood of Christ! Why are you downcast, oh my soul, rejoice!!"
This dressing has proved ineffective. If anything, these words have felt more damning than anything else I tell myself. It's because I have no hope in them. The words of the gospel work their way down to my hardened heart, and are turned away. Every time. I sit with pastors, tell them of my predicament, and they proceed to speak those same words into my situation.
I know they should comfort me. I'm trying, truly, to be comforted by them. But I inevitably walk away with a deeper melancholy than before. No one can make me happy. No one can inspire the hope of the Gospel in my life, except the Lord.
Just now, I'm reading Ephesians 1-3, and a glimmer of hope, or something like it, has reached my weary soul. Just a brief realization. In my time of despair, I've lost all joy in everything. Nothing makes me happy like it used to, I find no peace in the things that once quelled my aching heart. Nothing satisfies me.
It is in this depressing realization though, a small light, a potential answer is found: I think God is distancing himself to force me to realize the depravity of everything without him.
I can never have enough mentors that douse me with love and affection to satisfy me. I can never write enough beautiful (even God glorifying!) music to fill my soul completely. I can never preach the gospel well enough, read the bible often enough, stop falling into sin enough, repent well enough, or anything else to make me whole.
Everything is worthless. That's how I feel right now. And it's true! My heart is longing for things that are worthwhile, but cannot find anything on earth that means anything.
In my despair, I've been searching for anything to make me joyous. But that only comes from one thing: Jesus. Lord, I feel ready to say this: Take everything from me. Anything and everything, but give me Jesus. Jesus who has given everything for me. If you have to rip every single idol out of my hands, deep pain or not, I beg that you will do it. I cannot keep living like this, seeking peace through feelings or people or status or understanding. Everything is worthless in this earth, except Jesus.
You have created it all for good, but it is without worth if you are not there.
Please Lord, please, draw near to me again. I beg you. I am so scared to start a new job while I'm broken this way. I don't have the emotional energy to make this transition right now.
Even still, if it is your will to remain far from me, to hold yourself at a distance for my good, so be it.
Please let me serve you well in this time.
turnnoffyourmind
yousharknotpass
dededos
andulkaphoto
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