A Vicious Cycle Of Hatred

Never discourage yourself from chasing your dreams 黒 竜 魂

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

07/23/2025

The story below is a description of how depression and anxiety take a strong hold of you

Can't you hear my silent screams?

They are so loud they echo in my dreams.

Behind this face that carries a smile

Lies a dark road that goes on mile after mile.

My silent screams have been going on for years,

But it always falls on so many deaf ears.

How can they hear these silent screams in my mind?

They can't hear my thoughts if I keep telling them I'm fine.

What can I tell them? These silent screams carry no words.

It's just feelings of sadness and darkness that come in its herds.

How can I explain so people understand this?

It's like walking around in a suffocating black mist.

It's holding on to happiness like holding water in your hands.

It just trickles between your fingers and disappears into the sands.

I can't explain how this feels; it's so extreme,

So I hold my mouth shut to cover my silent screams.

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

05/21/2024

A couple months later been working lately thought maybe I'd be happy being able to help and provide again but it's done nothing for my mental state,I'm trying to push through but being left to my thoughts for hours just ain't it fr .

Black is the sky, Black is the water

Black are the thoughts but the mind can't faulter

Black are his eyes, eclipsing all emotion

for Black is the night in this endless ocean

Lost heart, crumbling mind

Lost sands, dark angel clawing behind

Lost meaning, no moral to this play

for lost souls built this god to pray

Broken compass, tattered sails

Broken heart, yet hope still prevails

Broken skies through which heavens guide

for Broken sailors have already died

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

03/04/2024 Februarys end and first week of March as the rains slowly pick up im reminded of my failure as a person, a partner, a son , a friend, and an elder brother.

My soul is as grey

As the weather outside

All I see are dark clouds

For miles and miles

The puddles on the floor

And discarded cigarettes

Finding myself reflecting over

One of many of my regrets

Asking myself

"Where did it all go wrong?"

Or "where do I even begin?"

The edge of that bridge looks nice

I might go for a swim

(splash)

Flashing lights in the distance

Thinking of a mere existence

Addiction and no resistance  

Born with nothing

And leaving with a pittance

I wrote

to what I loathe,

every word I chose

a potent seed of

grief I sowed.

Sturdy oak's,

branches, limbs,

and stoic bones

turning into woes of

a weeping willow's roots

overgrown and exposed.

Grain of timber groans,

bends and bows

in billowing wind blown;

a coat of leaves

in ribbons, clothes,

cloaking grove and

hanging rope below;

around my neck,

coiled and closed,

asphyxiating, chokes.

Ungasping,

thrashing throes,

no breath can flow,

slowly losing hope;

devoted to

an unspoken oath,

towing this

floating ghost and

shadow of an ego

dangling alone

on threadbare throne,

only home

I've ever known.

So what, to this world,

do i still owe

and why can't I

just

let

go?

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

02/04/2024- 10 days before my birthday soon to be 25 still my mind rushes towards the dark ready to accept my inevitable fate , depression is just too much of a weight and I have no real outlet to release the many things that pain my emotional state of mind

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

With Christmas Eve upon me I sit and wonder.. lost to the void of my mind putting on this mask of joy to help those around me feel better, but now I'm beginning to lose myself sitting around with a blank expression trying to piece things together mentally

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

12/19/23

I'm not doing well, the past few weeks have been yet another dark period in my life. So much happening... most of which I can't bring myself to discuss even in an anonymous setting like this…it's not YOU… it’s me, and the fact that I can't seem to admit the truths to myself. I'm falling apart, I know it. I feel myself slipping. I am aware of the panic building deep inside of me. I know what the trigger is, but I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to “fix” it and Everything feels like it’s upside down, I cry one minute and I laugh the next. Sometimes it starts as a laugh and ends as a cry. And I wonder how much strength and will power I really possess, taking a moral inventory, trying to figure out who the I am.

It's just not a good time;

I suppose I should just leave it at that.

I have good ideas,

but not enough heart to stick it out.

Or maybe I’m just not good enough, period?

That's how I feel... not good enough...

not smart enough, or pretty enough,

or thin enough,or rich enough,

or successful enough,

I’m not good enough.

Not Good Enough.

I long to be good enough,

yet that dream has not been realized,

and I wonder if it ever will be.

Lately, I feel nothing...

except emptiness, and hollow...

I can't for the life of me figure out what's wrong.

How did I get this way?

What led to this?

What's wrong with me?

Why can't I make sense of it all.

I think I'm broken.

I feel a heaviness in my heart

something is trying to happen far away

within a part of me I don't remember how to find.

I feel lost

I'm just wandering around within my mind, waiting.

Wishing for someone to tell me what to do and how

but there’s no one to help me.

I cannot allow myself to trust, to lean on anyone.

Been there, done that,

it only ends in more pain, more shame and hurt.

I am on my own with this.

So I write about it,

because that's what I know how to do

and the writing pacifies me

and teases me out of my own thoughts.

I have so much hurt and anger

it’s bubbling to the surface.

Everything around me, and the very fact that I have to go on in the midst of it, whispers to me of my own failure and horribleness as a human being. I know all that I tell myself is not true, but this is not the kind of thing I can just tell myself to stop and be happy.

I see myself as a child. I see a little boy sitting in a dark corner, hugging his knees and trying to be as small and "out of the way" as possible. When he looks at me, his eyes are full of a terrible anger- rage, sadness and pain. he is scared. I have never seen myself so dark. But he is undeniably me, and he must have existed during that time of my life. I have ignored him, I choose to ignore and neglect him, because he did not fit the image I held for others. he makes me think about everything that happened to me. So much anger, so much hurt. he was rejected, hated, abused; never good enough. he was insulted, ridiculed, heart broken, ignored, and left to the back of my mind. The pain from the aftermath is unspeakable. I try to list the things my father said to me- not to relive the memories but to seek guidance through the suffering I never could when I was actually going through it. I try to describe the pain and it's so overwhelming that no words will come. I don't know what to say to him this child . I don't know how to help him exist, how to let myself be angry and hurt, how to bring to life all of the things that I've repressed. I want to express it all, but I don't know where to begin. And I look for something anything, a book, a person, a therapist; anything to show me the way. I suppose there is no way, no road map, nothing but fumbling in the dark, at least that’s been my experience. I try to ignore him, but every night when I close my eyes and I see him, but I cannot sit with him or tell him I am here for him. I am unable to tell him that his pain is real and that he has every right to be angry. I cannot help him or stop his anger or pain. I don’t know how. No one has ever shown me how. And he wants, no he needs, something, and I don't know what to do, or how to help him. I am so tired of walking this road alone.

I am tired of the pain and anger,

but they are mine- a part of me.

And I don’t know where to go from here.

Or if there is anywhere to go from here.

I will never be good enough.

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

There's times I go to sleep and I can feel my breath leaving me slowly I begin to suffocate. I feel my heart beating through my ears shook with fear of what might happen to me . leaving this world with so many regrets and unaccomplished goals not being able to see the people i love one last time , my eyes begin to swell with tears as the thoughts of my end run rampant through my mind . I black out and wake up hours later hands still shaking from the experience. "Was that a dream" I ask myself , "A vision maybe ", answers I'll never get due to me not being able to talk to others about this without someone looking at me like I'm crazy or worse it gets brushed off .

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

People have told me not to put my hand in fires,

to beware of my youth

and of twisted desires.

Yet when I touched the fire I had lost concentration

on the pain of my thoughts

and their scorching sensation.

My hand touched the flames

then the impact of the flames had inspired me to question

how much I could take from this lethal affection.

I saw how it burned

and I thought, "how could this be?".

Yet the thrill of its heat was intriguing to me.

I began to caress it till I was much to numb to learn

how scars can be as deep as the hypnotic burn.

When the flame goes out I might be well in my grave

but there is nothing to possibly compare

to the temporary remedy that I crave -

to the quick, hot rush of its flare.

So bring me the torch.

Bring the desire.

Bring me the heat

and bring me

the fire.

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

Tbh I wish I could stop caring so much , I never planned to be so attached to you , sadly you'll never fully know nor understand my love for you and how bad I'm addicted to you and your presence

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

Where do we start? I've been gone a while

Let me explain, I've had a lot of time to meditate

I've made my peace

Or so I thought 'cause here I am, with pad and pen again

I only used to write when I was lost and feeling weak

So many nights I thought I'd quit this sh*t, "I'm over it"

Don't need the stress, don't need the pain, I'm done reliving those

But I can't run away, this dream is just a Trance, a phase

I know I owe you everything, My Pain'll help me grow

I see it different now, though I've grown, I'm amongst haters

They'll stab your back, but to your face they're all like, "One favor?"

Truth is, yeah, I was overwhelmed..

I needed a break, for the madness to be over, hell

I needed the chain to be broken, so Red Rover, help

I had to step away, now a contender, so who holds the belt?

Victim to the Vicious Spell, This Time it's me

To be a victor, I really needed help

In Rhymes I Plead (RIP)

A diamond in the rough

My heart is Djinn, no tonic, therein lies the rub

No parting gift, no homage, where we signed our love

We went from talking every day to resenting all that we were

And I know you hear me now, I know that I'm on your mind

These obstacles in front of you, toss 'em all to the side

Crazy, what I say relates to everything

Is he referring to his music or the love that she brings?

More like the love that she brought, gotta toughen up for these kids

We're not an "us" anymore and I've had enough of this shit

I've given up, I feel torn, inside these cuffs I feel sick

But while the Army is worn, believe it's war on the brink

3 years later they still tell me they're feeling so cold, hopeless

Leave my problems aside, then I tell 'em to Hold Forward

What's common inside, is we're keeping the ball rolling

Let them hear you roar potent

Now proceed, the door's open and..

I've thrown so many songs away

Wrote everything By Your Side, your presence? It mended stress then

You were my Onyx, my rock, now nothing's the same

Been trying to write this verse since the very day you left, man

I love you more than you know, I'm glad you're resting now in paradise

I know you're here but goodbye to my best friend

If you're listening now, we mustn't give up

I'm Home again, the pain we endure is just a test and..

I learn by failure now, in class, I'm life's student, I can't deny I'm one

When cold, hopeless, it forces some bold moments

So I ask you, please forgive me for all that I have done

The past is on tombstone but I rise

The vast fuse blown, but who's Home?

Yeah who can advise now?

When cold, hopeless, it forces some bold moments

So I ask you, please forgive me for all that I have done

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

If these walls could talk I'd wonder what they say to me

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

During this past two weeks I've began writing again , the reason why this is a big thing is because I only do this during a bad state of mind

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

What is a man to do with no one to cry too with no one to voice out my emotions to without feeling like I'm being a burden or brushed off , I got this constant ache in my chest from the many things I hold back sometimes I just wanna grab someone and make them listen but whose to say they'll even get it , anyways good day and god bless Kings

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

My toxic trait?

I tend to shut down and push people away.

Even when its a time when I need someone the most and as much as I don't want to, for some reason , I do it anyways. I isolate myself from emotion and force a numbness because I feel like its what I have to do and that I don't deserve help.

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

I know my posts won't be viewed so imma use this platform to vent out my deepest inner thoughts and feelings

[theboywhocriedinsilence]

Here i am. Cigarette lit wandering the hills as i burn in my thoughts. Blowing my stress deep into the wind drowing out her voice. here I sit in peace. Watching over the city as it burns to ashes in the bright of its own desire until its a mere skeleton of its true greatess. Ive watched the scene play a thousand times in my head. Its the product of a heartbreak. late night these bad habits hunger to prowel on the nights surface Like a second face to me I walk with bad intentions. I find myself lost upon a rooftop while I stargaze contemplating the meaning of the constellations & the moons true name while she whispers her beautiful lies to me in the form of lunar winds. reminiscing on the better days spent in the presence of a dawning sun like a solar wave calling out to me. Ive never been so in love. Its crazy right. Because when you love someone you throw yourself into the fire just to see if it burns. to see if she cares. or if she realizes that your even ablaze. Its so easy. i mean we can just fall off the grid together. But Im not too well. Im filling my lungs with different enemies choking to keep my senses alive. My ribs crush in & collapse while my liver curls to the acid. the pain is what keeps my chase flowing. Carbon breathes crackle in the hush of the wind & im too busy playing cold. Like i dont love it. I search hard for my salvation but the pain is deep in my side. & here I am looking for a different reality. Even now The alcohol doesnt burn like your lies. I shy away to close my eyes from the pain & each tear is made of glass. Each tear a forgotten memory selflessly cast aside & hurts. My eyes fill with blood and slowly my passions suffer as I cry. Im starving myself eating away all that is plentiful until Im bone dry. soon my light will sleep. & only all that is real will walk besides me. I am dogma. I am conviction. I am poise I am ash. Id say this is just a test to see if I deserve to die. I dont. I havent earned my peace. until long salvation is a dream. The real commemoration is when I achieve end. Only then will I find my place amongst the giants. Id be able to see you again. only if that girl knew. Id bleed for this.