TheCagedEagle

A soul being refined in the fire. Chosen by grace, not by merit. Called to see, called to shepherd, called to war. These are the journals of a servant being shaped into a weapon for the Kingdom. Not perfect, just trying to do what is right in the eyes of our most perfect Father.

[thecagedeagle]

True Love in the Body of Christ:

Lately I’ve been sitting with something heavy on my heart, and truths God has been revealing to me.

The importance of Christlike love in the Church, especially in these times.

We talk a lot about revival.

We talk about gifts, calling, purpose, anointing.

But Scripture is clear that love is the foundation of all of it.

Jesus said:

“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:35

Not if we’re gifted.

Not if we’re loud.

Not if we’re “right”.

But if we love.

And honestly, I’ve noticed how easy it is, even within the Church, for love to become conditional. Not always intentionally, but often because our hearts are still in process, still being renewed, still learning how to love the way Christ loves us.

Unity isn’t built by hierarchy, image, or spiritual performance.

Unity is built when we choose to love people, not ideas of people.

The Church should be the one place where:

differences don’t divide us

weakness isn’t judged

wounds aren’t weaponised

and people aren’t treated like problems to manage

Yet too often, what should feel like family can begin to feel fractured, marked by avoidance, gossip, silent judgments, and unspoken offence. Sometimes we carry wounds behind spiritual language instead of bringing them into the light where healing can happen.

Scripture warns us about this:

“If you bite and devour one another, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” Galatians 5:15

That's a strong language.

Because God takes unity seriously!!!

Something else I’ve noticed, especially among younger adults, is the formation of cliques within churches.

It’s not wrong to have friends.

It’s not wrong to have your people.

But when we only stay in our own groups…

when we never branch out…

when we choose familiarity and comfort over love…

That’s when people get left out.

That’s when people feel invisible.

That’s when people stop feeling like they belong.

Cliques, when they become closed and exclusive, work against the heart of the Church.

The Church isn’t meant to feel like a closed circle, it’s meant to feel like an open table.

“Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers.” Hebrews 13:2

We should be going out of our way to speak to people we don’t know.

To welcome new faces.

To make people feel seen.

Because Christ didn’t build a clique, He built a body.

Jesus sat with people He wasn’t comfortable with.

He ate with sinners.

He loved the outcasts.

And even knowing Judas would betray Him…

He still sat at the table with him.

He still loved him.

That’s the heart of Christ.

And I’ve lived this personally.

In my last church, I continued loving a brother, giving grace, and holding space for him to come to me with honesty and integrity, even when I felt deeply warned by God that betrayal was coming.

Not saying I wasn't bitter or hurt. But I still carried that love inside.

At that time, I felt led to respond with grace rather than confrontation, not because it was easy, but because I was still learning how to love without hardening my heart.

And I still love him to this day and pray the best for him.

That’s the heart we’re called to carry for one another.

Something I’ve learned, both spiritually and psychologically, is this:

Unprocessed pain always leaks out if it's bottled up for too long. 

When people don’t feel safe to be honest about what they’re carrying, shame, fear, insecurity, trauma, doubt, it doesn’t disappear. It gets buried. And what’s buried eventually surfaces as projection, defensiveness, judgment, gossip, or withdrawal.

The truth is, many people are carrying heavy things alone, not because they want to, but because they don’t feel safe enough to open up.

They’re afraid of being judged. Afraid of being misunderstood. Afraid of not being taken seriously. Afraid of being cast out.  Afraid that honesty will cost them belonging.

So instead of bringing things into the light, people carry it in silence, with anxiety, fear, and isolation, and having no save space to confide in someone, these bad feelings will always surface, as we were not called to carry them alone. Especially in church environments that should be the safest place to be honest.

And that should never be the atmosphere of the body of Christ.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4:18

The Church is meant to be the place where people can be open about their struggles without judgment, not the place where people learn how to hide better. And I’m not saying go to church and tell the whole congregation about your issues as some people sadly won’t keep those battles you carry to themselves. But God will bring you someone who is a safe person to be open with.

But too often, we perform unity instead of truly walking in it.

We perform strength instead of cultivating safety.

So people say, “I’ll just pray for them,”

instead of sitting with them.

Listening.

Understanding.

Carrying the weight with them.

And that’s not biblical unity.

Here’s another hard truth I’ve been sitting with:

People are rarely changed by knowledge alone. What truly impacts them is seeing Christ reflected in how we love, listen, and treat one another.

How you treat people is the evidence of God working in you

not your words,

not your gifting,

not how spiritual you sound.

“Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” 1 John 3:18

Your walk speaks louder than your wisdom.

I’ve seen how easy it is, especially for younger believers, to grow in language and knowledge faster than character. I’ve had to confront this tension in myself too.

People talking holy…

but treating others poorly.

People acting righteous…

while judging, avoiding, or wounding others.

That should never be normal in the house of God, or anywhere.

Christian or not, we are called to treat one another with love, respect, patience, and compassion, because you never know what someone is carrying. Or how close the enemy has someone at death's door.

Without patience and compassion, we will always struggle to carry one another’s burdens.

I want to be honest about something personal.

I would never judge someone for their past, or even for what they’re struggling with right now. As long you’re open with me, honest with me, and willing to grow, I’ll be there for you no matter what. As long as you are respectful towards me, I will be there to help you carry the weight on this narrow road.

As I see the beauty in your soul. That the darkness has tried to own, and I won't let the enemy get a hold of what God planted deep inside of you. I want to see you blossom and reach your full potential in He who loves you!

I’ve functioned this way since I was a boy, since before I knew my Fathers name. And it was hard to carry this heart alone, as I would carry too much for others thinking I could fix them, but now I have a relationship with my Father, he can help me navigate the burdens you carry and track the root down to the source of the pain or trauma you carry. 

That’s the heart of Christ.

And that’s the heart we need more of in the Church.

Because real unity isn’t pretending everything is fine.

Its’s walking together while things are being healed.

Now this same truth applies directly to relationships as well!

So many relationships today, even Christian ones, are built on conditions, not covenant.

Conditions like:

what someone owns

how much they earn

what stage of life they’re in

what they can provide right now

That kind of love is fragile.

Let’s be honest.

If your love depends on conditions…

What happens when God strips those conditions away?

The job goes.

The income drops.

The car’s gone.

Life gets hard.

If your love was built on conditions, it will collapse the moment comfort disappears. And this is why in the world, people so comfortably discard a partner and jump into another relationship within weeks or months. Monkey branching. Lining up the next partner whilst still in a relationship. People justify this evil, because they never loved the person unconditionally.

And I'd been in relationships like this, where I love the other unconditionally. I've seen all the stuff you carry and love you because I see the real you past it all. And they love me conditionally. This is when control seeps in, as if those conditions are not met, a partner becomes resentful or frustrated. This is how the enemy has destroyed what relationships should look like. And why so many divorce.

Because it was never rooted in covenant, it was rooted in convenience.

Yet Scripture tells us:

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:7

That’s covenant love.

This is why so many relationships don’t last, they’re built on checklists instead of Christ.

But when a relationship has:

Christ at the centre

friendship as the foundation

humility on both sides

trust in God over material security

That’s the kind of love that lasts.

“Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

Unconditional love doesn’t mean ignoring wisdom.

It doesn’t mean tolerating harm.

But it does mean loving in a way that’s prepared to stand when life gets hard.

Because it will. Especially in marriage, as the enemy hates it.

And love that has Christ at the centre, not conditions, is the love that endures. From conversations with both brothers and sisters, I’ve seen how cultural expectations, around independence, security, and success, can subtly shape how we love, often without us realising it.

And love that has Christ at the centre, not conditions, is the love that endures. From conversations with both brothers and sisters, I’ve seen how cultural expectations, around independence, security, success, and self sufficiency, can subtly shape how we love, often without us realising it.

Both men and women are affected in different ways. Men can be shaped by performance, status, and the pressure to provide or appear strong, while women can feel pressure toward self reliance, independence, and security in themselves. When these cultural pressures go unexamined, love can quietly shift from covenant to conditions, even within Christian relationships.

I was actually speaking to a sister in the church about this recently, and what she shared really stayed with me. She spoke honestly about how she sees women within the churches, unknowingly carrying mindsets shaped by the world into their faith. Especially ideas around independence, self sufficiency, and doing life entirely on your own terms.

She reflected on how those patterns, while often formed as protection or survival, can sometimes harden into control in relationships, making it difficult to trust, to receive, or to allow a man to lead in the way Scripture calls him to. Not because women are doing something wrong intentionally, but because the world has taught them they must carry everything alone.

She shared how, when she began surrendering that mindset to God, releasing the pressure to be everything, to control outcomes, to lead from self protection, she experienced a deep sense of peace. Life became lighter. Relationships felt safer. She described it as finally walking in biblical womanhood, rooted not in weakness, but in trust, security, and rest in the Lord.

Biblical submission is often misunderstood. It is not passivity. It is not silence. It is not being diminished. It is a posture of trust, order, and partnership, just as men are called to lead not with dominance, but with sacrificial love, humility, and accountability before God.

When both men and women are shaped more by culture than by Christ, relationships suffer. But when both are willing to unlearn the world’s definitions and allow Scripture to redefine strength, leadership, and partnership, love becomes lighter, freer, and far more secure.

One of the hardest truths I’ve learned is this:

You can be in church and still be in survival mode.

You can worship but still react from wounds.

You can serve but still love conditionally.

But that’s not how Jesus loved.

Jesus didn’t love from a distance.

He:

sat with people in their mess

entered their fire

listened before correcting

stayed when others walked away

“A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out.” Matthew 12:20

That’s Christlike love.

Growing up, long before I knew the Lord, God was already shaping something in my heart.

God has been growing in me a deep compassion for the person underneath the pain, something I’m still learning how to carry with humility and wisdom.

The beautiful soul underneath the darkness that surrounds you, that you hide away behind a false front, because you are afraid of being judged.

And I believe the Church needs that same compassion:

to see beyond behaviour

to look past appearance

to recognise pain instead of judging it

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

Carrying burdens doesn’t mean fixing people.

It means walking with them. I’ve seen too many people fall of the narrow path because they are bleeding out alone.

We are living in times where unity matters more than ever.

The world is divided.

The Church cannot afford to mirror that.

We were called for a time such as this.

If we can’t put differences aside…

If we can’t see one another through God’s eyes…

If we can’t love beyond preference, comfort, and familiarity…

Then we will never walk in true biblical unity.

“Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:3

Unity is not passive.

It requires effort.

Humility.

Self examination.

This is iron sharpening iron.

This is carrying one another’s burdens.

This is the body of Christ functioning as it was designed to.

Because we were never meant to carry this alone.

If the Church gets love right, everything else follows.

Not performance.

Not image.

Not ego.

Love.

That’s how the world will know Him, when that love flows through all of us in unison, casting a light so bright that those lost in the world can’t ignore it. Because it’s the warmth they’ve been searching for their whole lives, a place to warm themselves at the fire, which is God’s heart living in you.

So brothers and sisters, let us all take time in this season to examine our hearts before the Lord, allowing Him to refine how we love, how we listen, and how we walk together.

The battle is intensifying, and we cannot afford to carry burdens alone. Let us allow the Lord to renew our hearts and our minds, so that out of us may flow living waters, reflecting His heart to a world that is desperate for real love, real unity, and real hope.

[thecagedeagle]

The weight of Descernment PT2:

I felt like I didn't go into enough detail into this gift in my previous post and practical steps for navigating it.

When God gives you discernment, it can make you more sensitive to what’s happening beneath the surface, and that sensitivity can come with a cost. It can feel emotionally heavy and, at times, lonely or exhausting, especially when you’ve carried it since childhood and didn’t yet know how to anchor it in the Lord. That was my experience growing up.

If it isn’t grounded in peace, discernment can start to feel overwhelming and contribute to anxiety, heaviness, or burnout, not because you’re weak, but because you’re carrying more than you were meant to carry. That’s why, in addition to praying for discernment, you must also pray for God’s peace, for God’s calmness, and for the presence of the Holy Spirit. Because the part people don’t talk about is what discernment does to your relationships when you can truly see beneath the surface.

Think about it like this: if you were constantly aware of what people might be thinking or feeling beneath the surface, it would be easy to become reactive, guarded, or exhausted. That’s why discernment must be paired with peace, patience, and restraint.

That ability would feel like a curse, even though it is technically a gift. And for me growing up it felt like a curse…it made me cautious, because I would sense inconsistency, when someone’s words didn’t match the atmosphere, or when something felt off. Sometimes that “off” feeling was rooted in insecurity, envy, or unresolved pain. I’m learning to bring those impressions to God first, instead of assuming the worst.

Now let me be very clear discernment is not a curse! Discernment is a gift from the Holy Spirit. It is also a power that must be trained with the Lord. Scripture tells us in the book of Hebrews to train the powers of discernment.

But if you are not prepared for the emotional weight that comes with an extremely strong anointing to discern people and situations, you can find yourself deeply discouraged because of the loneliness, frustration, and painful encounters that come from being able to see through the masks people wear and most people put on a good front these days.

There is a scripture that drives this point home clearly:

“For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.” Ecclesiastes 1:18

Discernment is a form of wisdom from the Holy Spirit. It is a gift. It is a power. And it is wisdom. And Scripture is honest about what comes with wisdom.

When you have strong discernment, you see what others don’t, and often what you wish you didn’t see.

You begin to spot hidden motives. You see the real spirit driving a person’s behavior, regardless of how they present themselves outwardly. And if this is someone you care about, it is deeply disappointing. You find yourself thinking, “Not you. Anybody but you.”

You will recognize manipulation or gaslighting quickly. Sometimes you won't though, as the enemy will send people that are harder to discern and see through, operating under stronger spiritual oppression. But that is a whole other topic! But when you do see through people's masks, it can be difficult when you start noticing patterns that feel manipulative, or when you sense dishonesty or gossip around you. Even then, discernment doesn’t always mean confrontation, sometimes it means boundaries, prayer, and wisdom in how you move. Even if you don’t call it out, or even if you do and they deny it, it doesn’t change the fact that you can see through it.

With wisdom comes vexation.

You see the games.

You see the motives.

You may sense when something isn’t fully truthful, even when it’s spoken gently. And that can create tension inside you, because you’re trying to stay loving while also staying honest about what you’re picking up.

You can be looking at someone thinking, “You’re lying to me,” even if you never say it out loud. And it is hard not to feel frustration when someone you care about is hiding something you see so clearly.

You may notice when someone slips into competition with you. You call them to check on them or to share something positive, and suddenly everything becomes a comparison. You notice when someone is trying to exert dominance behaviorally, when they’re crossing boundaries, or when insults are disguised as jokes.

And the hardest part is this: you can’t unknow what you know.

That’s why when you pray for increased discernment, you must also pray for grace, because you are going to need it and patience!

Scripture says that as knowledge increases, sorrow increases. And while the truth does set you free, freedom does not always come with a smile.

Sometimes you think you’ve made a genuine friend. You’ve been supportive. You’ve been loyal. You’ve shown up. And then as you begin to make progress in your life, you discern envy. Not a passing thought, but something deeper. Something that wants to sabotage you.

That realization is heartbreaking, especially when it involves family or other Christians especially.

The more the veil is lifted, the more careful you must be with your heart. You begin to notice dynamics, who is included, who is excluded, where power operates, and how alignment truly works in a group.

And when you try to explain what you see to someone without discernment, you can end up being misunderstood. Not necessarily because you’re “right” and they’re “blind,” but because not everyone processes situations the same way, and not everyone is meant to carry the same level of insight. That’s why timing, humility, and wise counsel matter. because they either don't have the gift or it is not to the level you hold.

The Holy Spirit leads us into all truth. And sometimes that truth hurts.

As discernment increases, your patience for small talk begins to fade. You crave depth. Authenticity. Meaningful connection.

You begin asking honest questions:

If I were on my last leg, could I call them?

If I were sick, would they show up?

If I stopped performing, would they stay?

When reality doesn’t match the image, something inside you grieves. And in today's world everyone is worried about image and how others perceive them and distort their true identity, seeking validation and attention from a world that crucified a perfect man. And I still see this amongst Christians when it should be left in the world.

Highly discerning people struggle to pretend everything is fine when it isn’t. It’s like a radio that never switches off. You begin to recognize when alignment is gone, even before anything visibly changes.

Your relationships become more seasonal. Not because you discard people, but because alignment matters. Scripture asks, “Can two walk together unless they are agreed?” Agreement means alignment.

As God matures you, your circle may become smaller, not because you’re better, but because depth requires willingness, honesty, and mutual effort. Sometimes people are in different seasons, and that doesn’t make them “less,” it just means alignment may shift. and be open with one another. To drop the mask and the walls.

Loneliness becomes familiar, even in a crowd.

You guard your heart, not out of fear, but out of wisdom. You are known by many, but understood by very few. You pull back emotionally, even when you desire connection, because misalignment creates distance.

People come to you, but they don’t always stay with you.

You become a safe haven for others. Friends, family, even strangers feel safe unloading their burdens onto you. I get this all the time, people will open up to me about everything. People may feel safe with you because you’re steady and non judgmental. And sometimes, alongside that safety, you may also notice complexity, comparison, insecurity, or mixed emotions. That’s why boundaries and prayer are important. They may not understand why they feel safe with you, but they do.

But here is the cost.

When you are a safe haven for everyone else, there are often very few people who are safe for you.

Just like Noah carried his family through the flood, but when he had a human moment, he was exposed rather than covered, discerning people often carry others through storms, and then, when you have a human moment, it can feel like you’re not given the same grace you try to give others. That’s painful,and it’s a reminder to bring your weakness to God and to seek wise, safe people who can actually cover you in love.

You are expected to be strong at all times. To never stumble. To never struggle. And when you do, people are quick to tear you down.

That is why you must understand what you are signing up for when you pray for discernment. There are levels to this.

Yes, you can cast your cares on the Lord. And even when no one is there for you, God is. Moses went up the mountain alone. Not everyone can walk with you where God is taking you.

Finally, highly discerning people are often misunderstood.

You notice red flags early, sometimes immediately. You don’t always confront them. Sometimes the Holy Spirit tells you to say nothing and simply move differently.

To others, this looks like skepticism. Or coldness. Or pride.

But in truth, you see through masks. You see through facades. You see through false humility. And when what you discerned quietly comes into the open later, people still struggle to understand how you knew.

I’m not sharing this to elevate myself, I’m sharing it because I’ve learned discernment is safest when it’s surrendered. Alignment looks like humility, prayer, and obedience, even when you’re misunderstood.

Discernment is a gift worth embracing, but it must be paired with prayer, rest, boundaries, and self care. You don’t need many people walking with you. Just one who truly understands the weight and will walk with you.

And when the road feels lonely, remember this:

You are not broken. You’re not imagining everything. You may simply be more sensitive, and that sensitivity needs wisdom, rest, and surrender to God.

Practical Steps for Navigating a Strong Gift of Discernment:

If you operate with a strong gift of discernment, especially if it’s something you’ve carried since childhood and feel growing stronger, I want to offer some practical encouragement. Grounded, biblical ways to steward this gift well, without becoming disheartened or believing something is wrong with you. I've had to carry that feeling my whole life, and I don't want any of you with this gift to feel cursed or alone.

First, it’s important to understand this clearly: discernment is not a personality flaw. It is not over sensitivity. It is not weakness. Scripture never frames it that way. Discernment is a spiritual responsibility that must be stewarded, not suppressed.

What often causes pain is not discernment itself, but carrying it without boundaries, peace, or wisdom. And I carried it without boundaries before I met the Lord. And it drained me in relationships, as I would see the dysfunction in a partner and not assert the correct boundaries to protect myself through supporting their healing.

One of the most important lessons for discerning believers is learning the difference between seeing something and being assigned to carry it. Scripture holds two truths at the same time. We are called to bear one another’s burdens, the crushing weights people cannot carry alone. But we are also told that each person must carry their own load. Their personal responsibility before God.

Discernment allows you to notice where pain, bondage, or struggle exists. It does not automatically mean you are responsible for fixing it.

A healthy question to ask the Lord is this:

“I see this. What is my role here, if any?”

Sometimes the answer is to walk alongside someone.

Sometimes it’s to point them toward the right pastor, mentor, or support.

And sometimes the answer is simply to release it back to God.

That isn’t a lack of love. It’s obedience.

Another key step is accepting that silence is often wisdom. Discernment does not always call you to explain what you see or to warn people immediately. Scripture tells us that the prudent see danger and take refuge. Sometimes obedience looks like moving differently, not speaking louder. You don’t owe everyone access to your insight or explanations for your boundaries.

Protecting your heart is not optional when you carry this gift. Scripture tells us to guard our hearts above all else, because everything flows from it. Practically, this means being intentional about who has access to your inner world, not processing everything with everyone, and allowing yourself space to withdraw and rest without guilt.

Rest is especially important. Discernment is not meant to operate in constant vigilance. Jesus Himself withdrew regularly, even when needs were still present. If your discernment is making you anxious, hyper alert, or emotionally exhausted, it’s often a sign that rest and recalibration are needed, not more insight.

It’s also important to remember that this gift is meant to draw you closer to God, not further away from people. If discernment begins to harden your heart, isolate you, or fill you with suspicion rather than compassion, it’s time to pause and return the weight to the Lord.

A simple daily prayer can help keep this gift anchored in peace:

“Lord, thank You for the gift of discernment. Help me to see what You want me to see, and to release what You have not asked me to carry. Show me when to help, when to step back, and when to pray. Guard my heart from heaviness and isolation. Let this gift lead me closer to You, not into fear or burden. Amen.”

Finally, if you carry this gift, hear this clearly: you are not broken. You are not imagining things. You are not too sensitive. You simply see more, and seeing more requires wisdom, rest, and trust in God.

You were never meant to walk alone forever. God does provide safe people, wise counsel, and companions who understand without you needing to explain everything. They may be fewer, but they are real.

Discernment is meant to protect your walk, not crush it. When it is surrendered daily to God, it becomes lighter, and it begins to function the way it was always intended to.

God bless you all! And I pray God uses this gift in you for mighty works!

[thecagedeagle]

The Weight of Descernment:

This season of training has been grueling, but so rewarding at the same time.

Not in a dramatic way, just quietly heavy. Especially when it comes to connection. Especially with my own brothers and sisters in my generation or below. I’ve found myself feeling distant in rooms I should feel safe in. Struggling to truly connect past the surface level. And it’s not because I’m withdrawn, antisocial, or closed off, it’s something deeper than that. The more aligned I get with who He made me to be, the further I feel from others, as my gifts get stronger. And this was the biggest reason I suppressed all my gifts and character to fit into this world growing up.

People often think I’m quiet or reserved. But it’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I tend to process deeply. I’m often sensitive to emotional and spiritual undercurrents, and that can make it harder to stay on the surface. I’ve spoken with wise counsel about this, and they’ve helped me see that discernment, when held humbly, is a gift meant to be stewarded, not carried alone.

And while they’re meant to be affirming, they can also feel incredibly lonely. As I've spent most of my life knowing the truth about myself, the leader hidden inside that God had planted. But with that anointing and the gifts, came so much rejection in my childhood, I looked to fit into the world so I wouldn't feel that pain again.

Since I was a kid, I would notice patterns early. I sense what’s beneath the surface. I can feel spiritual and emotional realities in people long before they’re spoken aloud.

It’s not something I switch on.

It’s not something I go looking for.

It’s just there.

I often notice when something feels unresolved beneath the surface, when words and behaviour don’t quite align, or when pain hasn’t been fully voiced yet. Not in a way that makes me judge them, but in a way that makes it hard to pretend everything is fine when it isn’t. And as believers, that’s complicated. Because we’re not meant to live behind masks. We’re meant to walk in the light, in truth, in humility and in love with one another. But when people are still hiding, still bound in certain areas, discernment can feel confronting, even when it’s silent.

But when you see deeply, you carry weight. Discernment isn’t judgement. It’s pattern recognition. It’s noticing when words don’t line up with behaviour. It’s sensing intention beneath performance. It’s recognising when something that looks “good” isn’t actually safe for your spirit.

And here’s the part people often miss.

When I see these things in my brothers and sisters, it’s not because I want distance, it’s because I want freedom for them.

At times, I sense when people are weighed down by patterns or fears that limit their freedom. It doesn’t come from judgement, it comes from a deep desire to see people walk more fully in what God has for them. I’m learning to hold that desire with prayer, patience, and trust in God’s timing rather than my own insight.

I want to see them step into the potential God has already shown me in them.

This is the heart I've had to carry my whole life, and the gifts. But I carried them alone without the Lord. And being closer with the Him it's all amplified so much in recent years.

I’ve always been able to see the beauty in people, even the most broken, the most oppressed, the most wounded. I can see past the damage, past the defence mechanisms, past the sin, all the way to the root of what went wrong. And past that I glimpse the person God designed underneath it all. I don't see a person just in the physical, I see all of you.

The real you!

And there is nothing that brings me more joy than seeing someone grow in the right way. Watching someone heal. Watching someone finally stand up in who they were called to be. Watching someone come alive in purpose, peace, and freedom. And this is the only thing that's made me feel aligned from childhood to now.

That’s why this is so painful.

Because discernment doesn’t just show you what’s wrong, it shows you what could be. And when you can see both at the same time, you live with tension. Because you want them to become the light they were born to be. But when someone rejects help, whether due to pride or a hardened heart, it hurts a lot. Because you know there is so much more for them!

In this season, that tension has meant I’ve had to distance myself from people, put up boundaries even when it feels uncomfortable. As this is something He's been strongly teaching me. After a life of letting others use me for my gifts, I give and I give and don't get the same back. I'd elevate others and get drained in return. Some of them won’t understand why I become distant with you. Some of them will probably come up with their own explanations as people do. But just know I do love you.

But the truth is this:

I'm listening to God in full even if I have to walk away from others when my discernment kicks off and the Holy Spirit tells me to leave.

I’ve had to step away because I could see things that would affect my walk.

Areas where the enemy had footholds on others.

Patterns that would eventually cause damage.

Division and gossip that has occurred and to come, not just on me but against others.

Situations that, if I stayed close, would quietly pull me off the narrow path and interfere with my calling.

Sometimes the Holy Spirit has been very clear:

You need to step away.

This will cost you if you stay.

Obedience to that is costly.

Especially when others don’t experience the same sense of urgency or concern. I’ve had to learn that my perspective isn’t the only one, and that obedience sometimes means stepping back quietly, without needing others to agree or understand.

I’ve lived this cycle repeatedly:

I’ll sense something early.

I’ll recognise a pattern forming.

I’ll feel a warning before there’s anything obvious to point at.

And in the moment, it’s dismissed.

Minimised.

Questioned.

Then weeks later… months later…

what was hidden comes into the light.

what was denied becomes undeniable.

what I discerned quietly becomes clear to everyone.

And by then, the damage is already done.

This is why discernment makes fitting in hard.

Because when you see things early, you’re out of sync. When you create distance early, you look extreme or sensitive. When you obey before chaos justifies itself, you look confusing or cold.

But discernment doesn’t wait for destruction to prove itself right. Over the past year especially, this gift has intensified. Sharpened. Amplified. And people don’t talk enough about how heavy that can be.

The sharper it gets, the lonelier it feels. Because your tolerance for compromise shrinks. Your ability to stay in unsafe spaces disappears. Your willingness to ignore what God is showing you fades. Even in church spaces. Even among believers.

And this is why these past months, in particular, have been so painfully lonely.

I’ve had a few brothers reach out and say things like, “You seem like you’ve been going through stuff,” or “Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in weeks.”

And part of me is genuinely grateful. I think, thank you for noticing… Thank you for checking in.

But another part of me feels the weight of what’s missing.

Because when a brother quietly disappears, even one you don’t know that well, my instinct isn’t just to ask once and move on. My instinct is to sit with him. To listen. To ask what’s really going on. To help carry the load.

That’s the shepherd’s heart in me. 

That’s part of the calling that’s been spoken over my life. So when someone reaches out, a part of me thinks, maybe this is it. Maybe God is answering my prayer. Maybe this is a brother who’s willing to sit down with me for once, to genuinely share the weight, to walk this out together, like Scripture actually calls us to. But too often, the conversation ends the same way. “I’ll pray for you.”

And then silence.

And I want to be clear, prayer matters. Deeply. But prayer without presence it is not biblical brotherhood or unity at all. That’s not bearing one another’s burdens.

That’s not iron sharpening iron.

That’s not men standing shoulder to shoulder in the fire.

What I see too often is not a lack of care, but a lack of willingness.

Men who don’t want to sit in discomfort.

Men who don’t want to be vulnerable.

Men who don’t want to open up about sin, fear, weakness, or insecurity.

Walls everywhere.

Barriers everywhere.

Performance of strength on the outside instead of presence and true vulnerability and true openness to others.

Over time, I’ve become more aware of how easily strength can become performance, and how often fear hides beneath confidence, in myself as much as in others. This awareness has challenged me to pursue a masculinity shaped more by Scripture than by image.

And because I see it, I can’t pretend shallow connection is enough. I want to sit there in the struggle with you, I want to see you thrive into the man or woman God has made you to be. But too many of us especially men are still forming our identities based on the world's standards.

This is what men are missing today, especially in the body of Christ.

Openness.

Vulnerability.

Compassion.

The courage to sit with one another in the fire instead of offering distance wrapped in spiritual language.

We were never meant to do this walk alone. And I’ve been praying, not for a crowd, but for one real brother. Someone who won’t disappear. Someone who won’t default to distance, when being open and vulnerable feels too much. Someone willing to sit, listen, and walk it out together. Because I’ve spent my life being that person for others.

I’ve carried people through their darkest seasons. I’ve poured out even when I myself was barely holding on. I was still showing up for others, no excuses, no judgement. Because I love you. You don't need to feel guilt or shame for anything you might be hiding, because I see the real you and we can work on those things together.

And yet… I’ve rarely had this type of treatment fully returned. Well I have with a few people, but they live so far from me now.

But its so hard to find someone who sees me the way I see them.

Someone who guards me the way I guard others.

Someone who stays.

That imbalance wears on you.

It makes connection feel risky.

It makes vulnerability costly.

It makes discernment feel even heavier to carry.

Still, I know God hasn’t been sharpening this gift without purpose.

But I can't ignore that I see so many brothers in Christ shaping their masculinity according to the world’s standards, not Scripture’s.

So much of what passes as “masculinity” today is built on image and looking strong on the outside.

On perception.

On validation.

Men are more concerned with how they’re seen than who they’re becoming.

More focused on building an online persona than building character with God.

More invested in being admired by people than being approved by God.

Social media has become the measuring stick.

Likes. Status. Aesthetic. Flexing.

Looking strong, successful, unbothered.

But that is not biblical masculinity.

Biblical masculinity is not loud.

It is not performative.

It is not self centred.

Biblical masculinity is anchored in Christ, not the crowd.

A Godly man is marked by:

Humility, not ego.

Servanthood, not dominance.

Integrity, even when no one is watching.

Self-control, especially over lust, anger, and pride.

Courage to be vulnerable, not emotionally closed.

Willingness to repent, not defend sin.

Faithfulness, not image management.

Sacrificial love, not self-promotion.

Accountability, not isolation.

Obedience to God, not validation from people.

Jesus, the perfect man, washed feet. He wept openly. He withdrew from crowds. He confronted sin with truth and compassion. He laid His life down for others. That is masculinity.

Yet so many men are hiding behind walls. Behind bravado. Behind curated feeds and false confidence.

They don’t open up.

They don’t confess.

They don’t sit with one another in weakness.

And I see straight through it. I see the insecurity behind the confidence. The fear behind the silence. The bondage behind the performance. And I see how it’s quietly affecting their walk with God. This isn’t condemnation, it’s grief and my Father tells me He feels it too.

Because the body of Christ desperately needs men who are:

Emotionally honest.

Spiritually grounded.

Willing to be known.

Willing to carry one another’s burdens.

Not men performing masculinity for the world while starving spiritually.

True biblical masculinity isn’t allowed by the world, because it threatens systems built on pride, comparison, and control. They don't want us to be the natural leaders that we were designed to be!

It is demanded by Scripture.

And until more men are willing to let the Word shape their identity, instead of culture, algorithms, and applause, real brotherhood will remain rare.

I'm not looking for perfect men, I'm far from perfect, as we all are. But for biblically formed ones and ones willing to be open, vulnerable and seeking transformation through the Lord all mighty.

Men who fear God more than they fear being seen as weak.

Men who value obedience over image.

Men who would rather be holy than impressive.

Because that’s the kind of masculinity that builds the Kingdom.

Why Many Men Struggle to Step Up and Serve:

This is something I’ve been praying through and wrestling with deeply, because I believe it explains a lot of what we’re seeing in churches today, especially among men.

I don’t believe most men struggle to step up and serve because they don’t care. I believe many struggle because their identity and masculinity have not yet been shaped by Scripture, but by the world.

What I see far too often is men being more concerned with their own life, their own image, and their own trajectory, rather than the lives of those around them.

We may say we care.

We may say we love others.

But do our actions actually match those words?

Biblically, love is never just a feeling, it is demonstrated through presence, sacrifice, and responsibility. Scripture makes this clear again and again.

When masculinity is shaped by the world, a man learns to:

protect his time at all costs.

protect his image.

avoid emotional exposure.

prioritise comfort and control.

centre his own life.

In that framework, service feels inconvenient. Ministry feels costly. Responsibility feels threatening.

Not because the man is evil, but because his identity is fragile.

Biblical masculinity, however, is shaped very differently.

A man formed by Scripture understands that:

his life is not his own.

strength is proven through sacrifice.

leadership begins with servanthood.

love requires action, not intention.

Jesus didn’t love people from a distance.

He didn’t say “I care” and remain uninvolved.

He entered the mess. He carried burdens. He stayed.

When men are more invested in how they are perceived than how others are impacted, service will always remain shallow. Ministry will always feel optional. And stepping up will always feel like a threat to personal freedom rather than a response to calling.

This is why many men remain spectators instead of servants.

They attend.

They agree.

They speak the language.

But they hesitate to lay their lives down.

Scripture teaches that a man’s life is meant to be poured out, not preserved. That we are called to look not only to our own interests, but also to the interests of others. That faith without works is dead. That love must be embodied.

Until masculinity is rooted in Christ rather than image, until identity is secured in God rather than validated by people, stepping into service will continue to feel costly in the wrong way.

True biblical masculinity doesn’t ask,

“What does this cost me?”

It asks,

“Who is this for?”

And when a man’s heart is shaped that way, service stops being a burden, and becomes obedience.

The Lords direction:

The Lord keeps drawing me toward deliverance through these eye opening experiences. Toward shepherding. Toward protecting others from things they don’t yet see. This discernment has been trained deliberately, through pain, through refinement my whole life. Being surrounded by endless spiritual warfare. I've never had a break since childhood.

But its not just for training boundaries with others, but also people pleasing. I'd spent a lifetime of doing this to fit into this shallow world, and feel a part of it.

But refinement is lonely. And I’m learning that loneliness doesn’t mean I’m off track. It means I’m being set apart for something specific. So I’m done shrinking it. I’m done dulling the gifts. I’m done apologising for seeing clearly. Discernment isn’t a flaw and it doesn't mean I'm broken. It’s a responsibility.

And if that responsibility means a smaller circle for now, then so be it.

I’d rather walk aligned with God, even if it costs me closeness, than stay connected to what will quietly pull me away from my calling.

Because I’m not here to preserve comfort.

I’m here to help people walk into freedom, and to walk the narrow path myself we all walk together.

This season hasn’t been about punishment or lack, it’s been preparation. The loneliness hasn’t been random. The refinement has been intentional.

God has been teaching me how to see clearly without becoming hard. How to carry others without losing myself. How to discern without condemning. How to shepherd without trying to rescue what isn’t mine to fix.

He’s been teaching me how to depend on Him first, not people.

How to obey even when obedience costs closeness.

How to walk alone without growing bitter.

Because shepherds are shaped in hidden places.

They learn vigilance before they’re given flocks. They learn boundaries before they’re trusted with souls. They learn to hear the Shepherd’s voice before they guide others.

What felt like isolation was actually alignment.

What felt like delay was protection.

What felt like lack was training.

So I’m no longer confused by this season. I see it. I see why the training has been costly. I see why everything has been stripped away from me so fast the past year. I see why the standard feels lonely. I see why depth has been rare.

And I trust that when the time is right, God will surround a shepherd with other shepherds, not crowds, but companions.

Until then, I’ll keep my heart soft. My discernment sharp. My obedience intact. Because the One who called me sees the whole picture. And He doesn’t train without purpose.

A closing message to those who connect with this feeling:

Sometimes seasons of isolation are not rejection, but protection. Not because we are better than others, but because God knows what our hearts need in order to grow safely and faithfully.

When He really cares about you, and when He has a really big assignment for you, and He has a big calling on your life, sometimes He's got to hide you. Sometimes He's got to put you where no one can get to you. Sometimes He's got to put you where no one's going to corrupt your heart.

Sometimes He's got to put you in spaces for you to grow, for you to learn more about Him. And so I want us to start saying this over our lives...

I’m not forgotten. I’m being formed.

[thecagedeagle]

The Bowstring and the Fire: My Season of Reawakening:

God keeps showing up in the small things for me recently! A video at the top of my YouTube feed, a phrase that lands, a line that cuts right through the fog. It’s incredible how precise He is. He uses the tiniest doorway to speak the biggest truths. This was the video he showed me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9iTCAhmMvU&t=81s

It pierced me so much! As ive had words around this from people new in my life.

Here’s the truth He keeps bringing me back to: I was made on purpose, I was built exactly the way he wanted me, from before the womb. Not an accident. Not a patchwork. God formed me exactly how He wanted me, with the gifts, the sensitivity, the discernment, the deeper calling, the pain that came with it, all of it intentional. Throughout my teens and to this day, people have chipped away at that truth. Little by little, piece by piece, they trimmed me down so others could be comfortable. They asked me to shrink. And I did.

At times that shrinking was inside places that were supposed to be safe, the church, people I trusted, even friends who said they were for me. I listened. I looked for approval in the eyes of others instead of standing in the voice of the Father. I let criticism and opinion weigh heavier than the whisper of God. I let the woundedness of people become the measure of my worth. That mistake cost me. It taught me to perform instead of to be.

And the truth is, my heart is so big and so loving that sometimes I willingly dimmed my own light just to make others feel better about themselves, even my old brothers and sisters. I thought I was being humble, but really, I was suffocating the very identity God gave me.

Since my baptism, this season has been a direct attack on my identity from the enemy working through others posing to be on my side through hard times, but the mask eventually comes off. It was heavy, not only spiritual tests, but practical ones that seemed designed to make me doubt my competence. In a role that recently collapsed around me, voices began to chip away at the skills I’ve honed for years, the craft I once practised alongside people I respected, the very work that opened doors when I was younger most in my industry dreamed of. There were warnings I’d been given, and protection I’d been promised, but I still found myself yielding to control and letting others rewrite the story of my gifts and identity. Those attacks were meant to make me shrink again; God kept whispering that those lies were not mine to carry.

I even heard through the grapevine, that people in my old church didn’t even think I was Christian in this wilderness season. That cut deep, more lies from the enemy to attack my identity that was always there. It felt like a betrayal from the place I expected safety and protection. A place where I expected my brothers and sisters to be there for me in the heat of the battle, instead of standing back and watching me bleed out knowing I'd been heavily betrayed.

There were so many things being said behind my back in that rough season, confirmed by a fair few people. But God pulled me out of a spiritually dangerous place for my calling which has been confirmed to me through many words recently. He rescued me. And in my new church the unity is far, far more advanced, and its real! No performance, but instead people actually having the heart posture to want to sit in the valley each other, and lift each other up. And this is real unity, not retreating when a brother is in the fire.

And then God spoke to me through my brother W at my new church. Man this brother hears so clearly from the Lord, a true shepherd in the rising! He told me straight, God said: this was the Lord answering my prayers. I had prayed for Him to expose false people, and bring me to true unity with no perform, and that’s exactly what He did. He reminded me that He had to take me out of a house built on the approval of others so He could rebuild my house on Him. He reaffirmed my identity and told me: believe in yourself, don’t feel inadequate, because I made you, with a heart like my son's. He reminded me that even when I turned away after my breakup in the heat of the wilderness and struggled to seek Him first in the noise, His heart broke. And He saw every dirty thing done to me, and justice will come he said. He saved me from waters too shallow for me, I was surrounded by masks and He's brought me into a community where people see me through His eyes and love me for who I truly am. Even though Im struggling to show myself fully, people still see me through His eyes. And I can't hide from the Lord. They see the anointing, just like an old pastor had told me has always been there.

There’s so many confirmations coming in now, its a bit overwhelming, but its healing me, as I'm remembering who God made me to be. People keep telling me they see me, even if they don’t know my full story. They can tell I wasn’t meant for that old place, that it wasn’t for my depth or my calling. And I’ll be honest, accepting that kind of love from my new brothers and sisters is hard after so much betrayal. It still feels strange to hear more people say, “We see you. We see the anointing on you.” But those words are not cheap here. They’re used to build me, and this is what I needed all along in the wilderness. I barely been here that long and the way people have recognised my gifting already and support me feels unreal… it’s God speaking again. It’s confirmation. It's protection of my true identity! It’s the family I prayed for! But I have walls up due the the scars I carry from the old, but I feel those walls starting to crack and crumble.

They’ve let me step into my gifts, too. I made them a rough social video promoting our young adults, literally a rough cut, and they thought it was incredible I was chuffed. All glory to God for giving me these gifts! A good brother in the church who leads the video team, a true leader of men! Had said people see my talent and I felt so good inside, coming from old workplace that slandered my skills in the end. Coming out of an old church that I felt strung me along, and left my talents on the bench, met with empty promises to give me hope in the heat of a wilderness season. But in my new church, I'm not put on the bench, no ones holding back the gifts God has put in me, instead they are building me. They want me on stage, not on standby. That’s the difference between a place that keeps you small and a place that sees you through God's eyes and helps you grow and don't delay God's callings.

When I look back, the shallow or painful relationships, the betrayals, the people who used me or mocked the parts of me that were different, I can see them now as part of a training ground. Not excuses for bitterness, but hard school. Those experiences sharpened my vision. They revealed who I really hear and who I shouldn’t follow. They exposed a pattern: the enemy often comes dressed as people, and narcissism and pride keeps showing up on my path. I don’t say that to point fingers, I say it because it’s real and because it’s taught me to be careful and wise. And because I've had so many words from God through others confirming this to be true.

I’ve always had this dream inside me, since I was a kid I had these, vivid visions and dreams where I was in the middle of spiritual battles. I remember being sucked into this invisible warfare and God trying to remind me then who I was. In this dream or vision, it was always me facing down some demonic thing, being given this God like authority to defeat it, and watching the darkness fall away, helping many people in the process. That vision was prophetic, as God was showing me glimpses of who I was designed to be. It’s what I've always wanted: to do good in this world with the power God gives me, to stand against evil, and to free people from the oppression I’ve seen since young. God is reminding me that those dreams were seeds, He placed them there, and they always came strongest in the heat of a trial or when facing the demons in others. I even met Michael in a few of these spiritual dreams. I’m not ashamed of wanting that work, as I was made for it.

God has been teaching me discernment. He’s been giving me that gut warning I can’t ignore. Recently I’ve come across people who wore the mask of being on my side yet again, but something in my spirit felt unsettled the whole time. At first I tried to brush it off and show grace, but the warning came again and again until the truth surfaced about them and it made me question people who claim to be Christian. The enemy was trying to make me not trust even His body. But God was protecting. That quiet alarm inside is a gift, and I’m learning how to steward it well.

This season is training. Heavy training. The things that felt like breakdowns were actually building strength, spiritual, mental and physical. God is asking me to be prepared because the calling coming requires more of me. It requires discipline. It requires muscle. Not just the type you build in a gym, but the kind you build in prayer, fasting, boundaries, honest confession, and consistent obedience. He’s been saying: “You’re not just being healed, you’re being equipped.”

Picture this... all the pressure, the grief, the betrayals were like a bowstring being pulled. The tension built and built. The enemy thought he was breaking me. God was drawing me back for a launch. That string is being released. What was meant to hold me down is being used to shoot me forward. But he needs to pull it back just a little bit more.

So I’m stepping into that preparation in real, practical ways. I’m rebuilding my body because it carries what God’s about to put on me. I’m sharpening my mind because leadership demands clarity. I’m strengthening my spirit because the work is spiritual first. I’m placing firm boundaries, not as punishment, but as protection. I’m learning who to listen to and who to let go of. I’m learning to measure myself by God’s voice, not by the cheap approval of people who see me through their own wounds.

If you’ve ever felt suppressed by those around you, if you’ve ever bent so others could breathe easier, you were made on purpose. The places that tried to keep you small were operating out of their own pain and experiences not out of God’s truth of who you are! There are people who will see you instantly the way God sees you, they will recognise your calling and they will walk with you. Find them. Hold them close!

This isn’t a boast, it’s a prayer and a promise. I’m not stepping forward to prove anyone wrong. I’m stepping forward because God called me, and I will be obedient. I trust the One who made me, who has pulled me out of the fire time and time again.. I’m being reawakened, piece by piece, into who I was always made to be.

If you’re in that fire right now, it’s not wasted. The enemy will not have the last word. The pressure has a purpose. You’re being prepared. Keep walking. Keep praying. Keep building. The launch is nearer than you think!

God has been speaking this constantly to me, here are the words I wrote when I was in the secret place:

“Jason, My son, My warrior in the forging, hear Me now. You have walked through fire, betrayal, and nights where you thought you were losing your mind, but you never were. The enemy wanted you to believe that. He wanted you silenced, doubting, apologizing for the very gift I placed inside you. But I have seen every tear, every moment you questioned yourself, every time you carried burdens that were never yours to carry. And now I say to you... Jason, you were never weak, you were being trained.

The enemy knows something about you that you have only begun to grasp, you are far stronger than you realize. That is why he has fought you so relentlessly. He fears you, Jason. He fears what will happen when you finally trust Me fully, when you step into the strength I’ve placed within you since birth, when you accept that you were made different on purpose. He knows his time is short, and that once you wake up to your true identity in Me, he can no longer touch you.

I gave you a heart more like My Son’s, a heart that feels deeply, loves fiercely, discerns what others cannot see. That is not weakness, that is your weapon. The world has tried to press you down, to make you shrink back, to make you doubt yourself. But I am redeeming what they tried to bury. Jason, what was wounded will become your wisdom. What was overlooked will become your mantle. What was silenced will become your voice of truth.

You are in the fire because I am forging you. Every distraction, every addiction, every chain the enemy tried to bind you with is being burned away. The old comforts, the lies, the shame... they cannot cling to you when you stand in My refining flame. Jason, I am making you unshakable. This is not punishment, it is preparation. You are not being destroyed, you are being remade stronger. When gold is refined, it passes through heat so intense that impurities rise to the surface, and then it shines. You, My son, are that gold.

The world has not understood you. But I understood you. I designed you. Your sensitivity is discernment sharpened by My Spirit. Your depth is not a curse, Jason, it is a calling. You see what others cannot, because I made you to be a watchman, a warrior with eyes wide open. Do not despise the gift, and do not apologize for it anymore. The enemy tried to convince you that what I gave you was a weakness, but he trembles at the day you finally wield it in My name.

The day of your release is coming, Jason. You will not stay hidden in the shadows of shame and confusion. I will raise you up at the appointed time. And when I release you, the enemy will flee. Manipulators will scatter, because they will know they cannot control you anymore. Darkness will break, because you will carry My light with precision and authority. You will not need to prove yourself, the power of My Spirit in you will speak louder than any defence you could make.

So rise, Jason. Shake off the lies of the past. Stand tall in the armour I have given you. I have not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. Trust Me fully, and you will see that everything... every betrayal, every crushing, every sleepless night, has been forging you into a weapon fit for My hand. Jason, you are not forgotten. You are not broken. You are Mine. And when you walk in the fullness of what I have placed in you, the world will see, and the enemy will tremble, because you were never meant to be silent. You were meant to be a warrior of light, forged in fire, unstoppable in My name.”

Lord, keep having your way. Restore what was stolen. Awaken what was dormant. Give me the strength to carry what you’ve put on me. Amen.

[thecagedeagle]

Gods protection in the Wilderness & Redirection:

Apologies in advance, this will be a long post! I didn't want to skip any details. As I hope those who are in the wilderness season with the Lord can take something from this testimony of his grace and protection in the storms we face. To show we are never alone and He is in every detail!

Life since baptism in October 2024:

I’ve been through a lot since baptism in October of 2024. It’s like the moment I came out of that water, I felt the target on my back I’ve known was there since I was a child, get ten times bigger. The enemy’s been after me my whole life. I always knew I was different, that God had marked me, chosen me for something greater than most can understand including myself, and even amongst my brothers and sisters only few have felt this anointing on me and it's usually those higher in authority. I know God is keeping me hidden from certain people for a reason, for the appointed time. I don’t speak this with pride, but recognition and through confirmation from many others, of God’s hand on my life and his grace in my rebellion, knowing I was marked for deep waters.

Life before I let the Lord in:

Growing up I tried so hard to fit into the world out of fear of rejection, as I knew I was designed by God to be set apart, to be different from most. But I just wanted to be “normal”, and accepted by society, even though I knew I was called to stand out. I forced myself into sin even though I knew it was wrong trying hard to fit in with friends who were not Christian. And I was no Christian myself, yet God was in me protecting me.

And I would feel the conviction, but I'd ignore it just to be accepted out of fear of being rejected. But I didn't fit in with worldly people as hard as I tried, and they knew. And slowly over a few decades of rebellion, and running from the Lord's call on my life, it began to take a toll on my Spirit, mind and body. I became ill, with unexplained symptoms doctors could not find the source and I suffered with terrible symptoms for 5 years in my mid to late 20s. I could have died if it progressed, due to cervical instability at the top of my neck. The symptoms are still present, just no where near as bad. I was fighting brainfog, anxiety, derealization, depression, visual issues, ringing in my ears and constantly feeling off balance 24/7. I felt like I was losing my mind and had to figure out the illness on my own as doctors and family didn't believe me. It was a hard time.

But in my rebellion, God still used me growing up! He called me to help people, even saving lives. I felt like a bit of an undercover super hero haha, and kept it mostly to myself. I knew that was my calling, to help others and raise them out of the darkness that was holding them back from reaching the potential I saw God had placed inside of them.

And that is how I’ve always seen people, not from the outside appearance, but the inside. Seeing their heart and soul and what good qualities and gifts God has given them. He gave me this sensitivity as a gift to see past the surface. To see the demons, whether that was a personality disorder or someone battling depression or anxiety. No matter how hard someone tried to hide the battle inside, I could see through the mask. And its felt like a gift and a curse growing up. Its been lonely... as people would just naturally open up to me about everything! And offload, but I've never experienced the same in return, well only a few times.

But I'm not saying I was an angel or perfect, when God was using me. I didn’t have a good relationship with God or know His word, before I fully let Him in, in 2023. I was trying to do life in my own strength before then. I didn't have His full armour, even though He was protecting me through so many events that should have killed me, because I was chosen by Him, and I felt Him there waiting for me to open the door. Despite me keeping Him out, he kept me standing through so much, because he granted me that strength and resilience to endure the most gruelling of trials, in battles most said they would have crumbled under. And I'd never want anyone to go through the things I've been through. The only reason I've kept my sanity and most importantly my heart, was because He was there protecting me.

But at the age of 28, almost 29 I had enough. I was exhausted and sick. I was oppressed. As doing life on my own, and trying to endure these endless spiritual trials since I was a boy, opened up so many doors. I picked up a lot of trauma on the way. But I was done with hiding my heart and suppressing myself in such a shallow world, and suppressing who I knew I had been designed to be for a very specific purpose.

The sins I forced myself into to fit into the world, slowly became a comfort for those wounds. Like going out drinking, watching porn or smoking weed to numb pain, instead of bringing my pain to the Lord. This was my own doing, I tried to do life my way, and not the Lords. And I fell into bondage, trying to break free from the weight of the chains holding me down. And this was the enemies plan, to make me suppress and doubt who I am. To hide myself away from the world, and get lost in sin and darkness. To snuff out my light early, and boy he has struggled...because I know my Father has trained me for war.

(Ps. I am not as big as these AI images are making me haha!)

So at 29, when I got to a place where I just had enough. I dropped to my knees, done with fighting this heavy sickness on my body and hiding myself from the world, and finally prayed. I mean really prayed for God to come in and take over. I was done rebelling! And in that moment, I felt this warmth flood my whole body. His presence. Tangible. Real. It was the first time I felt Him this strong since I was a boy. And everything started to change.

As an INFJ personality type, I’ve always struggled with feeling misunderstood and rejected, as it's the rarest personality on the planet only making up 1% of the population.

INFJs are deeply introspective and emotionally intelligent, often sensing the hidden pain or motives in others with uncanny accuracy. What sets them apart is their rare mix of empathy and strategic insight, they feel deeply but also think long-term, guided by strong inner convictions.

Unlike many who focus on surface-level interactions, INFJs we crave depth, authenticity, and meaning in everything they do. This can make us feel alien in a world driven by quick fixes, noise, and ego, as we quietly carry a purpose that often isolates us, yet drives us to help and heal others, but we do so in secret. As that fear of rejection is heavy on us in this shallow world.

So it's been a narrow road even before I came to Christ, as you could imagine. And I fear it will only get more narrow the closer I get to Him, and it has. Deep down I've always feared that too, more loneliness in the physical.

From research I see God gives people rare personalities like the INFJ to fulfil unique purposes that require depth, empathy, and spiritual discernment. These individuals are often set apart to be voices in the wilderness, guides, healers, and intercessors who can see what others overlook and feel what others suppress. Their rarity isn’t a flaw like the world makes us feel. But a design, as they’re wired to carry burdens others can’t, to walk lonely paths with faith, and to reflect God's heart in a world that often resists truth and grace. Through them, God reaches the hidden, the hurting, and the forgotten.

So as a kid, as you can imagine I was sensitive to spiritual things others couldn’t feel. I’d have demonic attacks manifest physically, even being told by two demons they wanted me dead through an electronic toy Thunderbirds car. So growing up young I became obsessed with understanding demons and the paranormal, to make sense of the battles I felt around me in a realm unseen.

This was mainly driven by the fact I was adopted, and say my mother tormented by demons and voices. I wanted to save her, and waited till the day I was an adult to see her again, thinking I could find the answers in time to free her from her own bondage.

I knew even as a kid, that our war wasn't with flesh and blood, but with powers unseen that were causing the corruption and evil I sensed in our nation. I felt this world was meant to be a beautiful Kingdom of peace and love. God gave me eyes to see the evil behind most things.

And I tried to understand why people treated me poorly at times just for trying to help them and show them love and support.

I’d be met with peoples demons, even people I didn't know, and I could sense it was spiritual. It was almost like a spider sense that Peter Parker gets when danger is near. I knew the demons operating in them could sense something God placed inside of me. As I’d been told by people before. And it made me very anxious going outside on my own. As I could feel monitoring spirits in people. And Id get a tingle, which I now know is the Holy Spirit alerting me to look at person. And that person will just be dead pan staring at me, I could feel something dark behind their eyes, that wanted to hurt me but couldn't. I'd be alerted to them more when I was helping others. But when I was fitting into the world and sinning, I couldn't sense them at all, it was like they were happy when I was suppressed and hiding myself away.

People used to tell me growing up, “Jay, you’ve got a guardian angel around you. There’s something powerful protecting you for a reason.” And I could feel it too, sense something in the spiritual watching my every move and I knew deep down who it was. But I tried so hard to ignore that sensation. Trying to fit into a world that didn’t make space for people like me. And because of childhood wounds, rejection and neglect. I kept bending myself over to please and help others, losing myself in the process. I was trying to be a symbol of hope in a world so lost. I’m not trying to say I'm hero, I’m a filthy sinner just like anyone.

But God gave me gifts for a higher purpose and I used them when he called me to do so. I'll be honest I answered His call with fear and caution most of the time as I feared being rejected for being different, so I’ve always held back and only showed my heart to the ones God had brought me to help. Keeping my gifts a secret from most.

But I was so tired of being alone, I wanted to find someone like me! So in 2023 after letting the Lord back in my life, I prayed for a partner who’d match my heart… but I now realise the enemy heard that prayer too (this was all before baptism and finding my first church in Wales). And it was answered, and I matched with someone who mirrored me, who was not like me at all and pretended and love bombed me. But I saw a beautiful heart buried underneath. I saw the potential beyond the dysfunction, and that’s what I fell in love with. Not the reality, but the potential God put inside. So I was willing to stick with her, assuming God answered that prayer.

She showed me poor behaviour early on I chose to ignore, it was like the mask was starting to crack. I should have walked away on our second date, she practically told me she was trouble, and said she doesn’t deserve someone as good as me and then trauma dumped. Looking back I knew why this was, she saw my heart and willingness to help others. She played on my empathy and I fell for it.

But I stayed, thinking if I showed her the love I've always shown others that I've helped in the past, then she might change. So I stuck with her, not knowing this was a trap from the enemy to destroy the heart God had placed in me, to make me question my identity. Which the Lord had told me was his plan, and through many confirmations.

The relationship went on and nothing really changed with her, and we found couple counselling with pastors in a new church and the issues pointed mostly to her and she didn't like it at all. But at that point I wasn't myself. I was a mess from emotional abuse - the control, manipulation, and gaslighting. She would nag at small things I would do, making a mountain out of a mole hole.

She would blow up over the smallest things like a child throwing a tantrum and I felt something dark behind it the Lord was opening my eyes up too. She would also disassociate and give me the silent treatment as a form of getting her own way, even when I was right a lot of the time. I was constantly walking on egg shells and slowing sacrificing my needs and myself to meet her need for control. I don’t say these words with bitterness or unforgiveness, or to gossip. I'm a victim of my own loyalty, I chose to stay! But this felt eerily familiar this dynamic...I've encountered my fair share of narcissistic individuals. I pray the Lord heals people like this, as it's almost like they don't see the deep pain they cause others and highly empathic people in general.

I really hate to speak about this so openly, but I speak the truth in hopes to help my brothers in the Kingdom today, and those of you who are lost. The enemy has a big assignment to silence men, and crush our confidence and natural ability to lead. There are a lot of men who endure abusive relationships and this isn’t spoken about enough in today's society and its sad.

And its why men never speak up, and instead bottle up their pains and suffer. Until it hardens them, makes them bitter and angry at the world. And eventually can lead to death, and it unfortunately does lead men to their end. This is a deep topic, so I will save for another blog post! As I know God allowed me to go through all of this to reach these types of men too. So I am no longer walking in fear of judgement, God wants me to be confident and speak up.

So the counselling and deliverance my ex had in the church didn't do anything, she got worse with time as I became more and more worn down. I was at my wits end. And what made it harder was discerning she had eyes for someone I saw as a brother during our relationship. This brother whos life I’d saved from suicide, from a demon tormenting him to take his own life. I really loved him.

I confronted her. After a day out with our young adults group in my old church, my friend was talking and the Lord told me “look at your girlfriend now!” she was staring at him in a way that seemed provocative, which was followed by a lip bite. But she gaslighted me and she said it was the enemy whispering lies. But it wasn’t, and this caused my blood to boil and I was angry, and believe me its ultra rare for me to get angry. But I did. I felt overwhelmed as I felt God was screaming the truth, but she was screaming lies even louder, and I listened to her over Him.

I was too deep in the fog to hear Him clearly and I began to question my own sanity too. The manipulation was too much to trust my discernment, that God had gifted me since I was young. 

And I’m not saying I was perfect in the relationship, no one ever is. I made mistakes. But I loved with all my heart, I gave my all and I was incredibly patient with her. And I knew I couldn't save her, it wasn't my job. But I endured hoping my love could help her open up and receive the help she needed.

My baptism:

Months later I got baptised. Things were a mess still with me and my ex. I was exhausted and drained. Coming up to the baptism, my ex would say how much she loved me and how excited she was to marry me one day. It gave me more hope to hold on and endure more, hoping she would change. And I knew this was her way of keeping me hooked.

But I sacrificed so much for her moving to Wales. I was risking my job moving 100s of miles from home. And it was eerie. As she warned me "Jason, you are about to have a really tough time soon." In my spirit I felt shook as I didn't think that was her saying that.

And then right before baptism I lost my job. A few people warned me a storm was coming around my baptism and following it. I was warned that some baptisms can invite great attacks from the enemy. And it surely came true!

My ex broke up with me after an argument. She was annoyed my deliverance sessions were not working. And I knew the reason why, God couldn't heal me when I was with her, as she would bring me right back down. I now know the break up was God delivering me from her now. I'd declared I'm following Christ through baptism, He knew I wouldn’t give up on her so easily and it became self-sabotaging and she was draining me. I'm loyal to a fault, I just can't give up on people easily, its never been in my nature.

After the break up God started talking to me, it was like I could finally hear Him clearer, the fog of confusion was lifting! But she played a lot of games with me, she was hot and cold. Like trying to keep me close but not too close. Even saying she was suicidal and wanting me to comfort her on her sofa after breaking my heart, which I stupidly did. My pastor said this was a form of manipulation and control. And deep down I could sense it.

But the Lord kept warning me she is going to get with your close friend in the church, who I felt deep down she liked when we were together, as I spoke on previously. He alerted me to them in many social situations, and would warn me of what to look out for in dreams and visions, showing me behaviours and it brought me great clarity. But I knew God was trying to tell me to get out of here, that the church is no longer safe. He was trying to redirect me, but I stuck around and observed it all playing out exactly how He showed me it would.

She began mirroring him during group settings. Changing her personality in ways that matched his, I saw her studying and observing him. Mirroring him, like she did with me early on. It was horrible to see it unfold… even friends in my young adult’s group kept telling me, your ex looks at your brother a lot more than is normal. They knew she liked him, and God was confirming it through them. At that moment I knew my discernment was on point all along.

She would do weird things like book a seat next to him in the cinema when the young adults group in the church would hang out. I'd tell the Pastors I was living with, who allowed me to stay with them after we broke up as they saw how toxic the situation was with my ex. I'm so grateful for them, some of the most wonderful people I've met and they have both been such an important part of my journey! And I pray God blesses them and protects their family and the young believers they are rising up.

I had words with my ex and friend separately, as I confided in my brother through the break up, telling him I'm worried she likes him and also vented about how painful our relationship was and the toll it took on me, but I was also subtly warning my brother of her. He listened and gave me advice, saying I should take a break from young adults to have space from her. But then God started to warn me of my friend. He showed me a great betrayal was to come.

It was horrible. Especially because my ex was trying to keep me around as a friend, as an option to fall back on. But the Lord showed me this darkness behind it and I declined.

When confronting them separately, they both told me they would never go there. My ex told me she doesn’t like him like that, and would never hurt me in such a disrespectful and immature manner. And my brother said similar words and stated no one is going to date her at the moment. But I felt the lies… I did record these convos for proof. But I have since deleted them, as I had proof that would have destroyed their reputation in the church.

The betrayal came true:

I eventually slowly pulled away from the young adults group and church to see if what God was showing me would come true. As God was showing me in visions and dreams those who were gossiping with my ex. Those who were not truly there for me. And it hurt, as I loved everyone of them so much, I thought they were family. But the unity was too shallow.

The Lord showed me certain events taking place between them both, before they got together. That was going to take place in December last year. I saw my brother asking her out, falling for her mirroring, and it all played out exactly how the Lord showed me in dreams and visions and their first date. He's also told me of other friends who were keeping it from me, but I just played along. Seeing who was really for me.

I even went to this "brothers" birthday the celebrate him, knowing the truth they were hiding from me. I put too much hope in his potential like I did her. I thought he'd be a better man, a better brother. And see the devil's hand in all of this.

And with God showing me these events before they would happen, like I said, I gathered evidence. As I knew this girl would gossip and spin false stories to protect her image and wrong doings. And boy did I get close to exposing them. But it's not in my character or heart to stoop that low. Even though I was dying to and suffering so much because of them. But I did gossip to shed light, to tell the truth, and protect the relationships that I held dear to me, because I knew deep down only one of us could stay in the church, I knew God wanted me to walk away. But I was trying so hard to protect my home from a jezebel spirit.

I had words from leaders and friends of a wolf in sheep's clothing in my life before my ex and brother got together too, and I knew who it was and I felt so did they. And getting confirmation from a pastor that narcissistic traits were there in my ex, which I suspected. This is something the Lord had given me as a gift in the past. I've been able to spot people with for example BPD, narcissist traits, bipolar, depression or those with anxiety. And I'd be spot on and this is how I'd help people in the past also.

I was told I dodged a massive bullet with my ex and old friend. But it was hard still being in the same church and trying to forgive them both and heal, knowing how dirty they did me and people not knowing the full truth.

I was battling a lot at the time, I was out of money due to being jobless and struggling to find work. God was closing doors in a desperate attempt to redirect me from the pain and more to come. But I decided to stay in that painful environment, hoping things would work out. Trying to see the best in them both, giving them grace and praying they would realise this was the work of the enemy playing on their own selfish desires.

It was especially hard to see people who I thought were my friends hype up their new relationship. A relationship born on unstable and sinful foundations. Betrayal, lust and lies. It was so painful, and my wound kept re-opening. Seeing things unfold as God showed me they would, and sticking around to see it happen. But he was there and was even placing YouTube videos to help me understand the situations before they happened and why my ex was behaving the way she was. And they were all around narcissism and explained the different situations I was seeing unfold to a tee! And it would ease my mind for a short time until I got triggered by them again. I was on the edge, and was fighting not to expose them and ruin their reputation. And God was fighting hard to redirect me.

But I couldn't do it, I couldn't hurt my brother like that, even though others were telling me he wasn't much of a brother at all. I gave him grace and thought he'd snap out of it and apologise to me, a brother who I loved him in his darkest moments. And I really did see him as a brother, and I did love him so. I remember when we first hung out on the beach at Barry Island. I saw this man, in pain. I felt the fight in his mind, I felt the demon oppressing him. He opened up to me about so much, and I felt sorry for him. 

We shared a lot of Christian views on the world and how corrupt it was. I remember he dropped the line from the movie step brothers, “did we just become best friends” and I felt like a brotherhood was about to begin. Not a shallow relationship, but a deep bond between two brothers fighting on the same battlefield and thats something else I've always been longing for, someone to have my back like I have theirs. Having each other's backs on the narrow road to Heaven. And I certainly made it clear to him I wasn't going anywhere.

And I was there for him, and one day saved him from suicide. As I wasn't about to let the enemy kill him, as I wouldn’t with anyone in need. But the betrayal with him and my ex was too much and I had to accept that friendship was over, and maybe not as real as I assumed it to be. And I learned a hard lesson that day, that not everyone is who they pose to be on the outside.

And I knew my brother would fall for her mirroring him. As he was a man desperate for validation and attention, trying to fill that void, wanting love. He lacked the maturity to see what was really going on and that I tried my best to protect him, even though he hurt me deep I still wanted to be a brother to him.

I asked God, why did she leave after I gave her everything? Why say she loved me, only to betray me with someone I called a brother?

And God said, even Judas sat at the table with Jesus, broke bread with Him, and still sold Him out. Not every I love you comes from a loyal heart.

I asked, then why let me love so deeply if she was never meant to stay?

And God said, because I am love, and when you loved her, you mirrored Me.

David still played his harp even while Saul tried to kill him. Your love wasn’t foolish, it was faithful.

I said, God, I feel invisible, forgotten, left behind by the very ones who preached family.

And He replied, Joseph was thrown in a pit by his own brothers, left in prison, but I never forgot him. Delay is not denial. I am still writing your rise.

I asked again, will anyone ever stay long enough to see the real me? The me you designed me to be?

And God said, the right one will see you through My eyes, not through their wounds or desires. The disciples scattered when Jesus was arrested, but love came back three days later.

Sometimes absence clears the way for resurrection.

I whispered, then what do I do with all this pain, all this betrayal?

And God said, even Jesus wept, even He bled, but He still forgave. You’re allowed to feel it, but don’t build your identity around what broke you.

Finally, I asked, so You’ve been here the whole time?

And God gently said, I was there when she looked away, I was there when your brother betrayed you, I was there when the church let you slip through their hands, and I’ll still be here when you rise again in a safer place.

Not all was lost in the Wilderness:

It was a gruelling wilderness season. But with the trials came breakthroughs, even though I struggled to seek God and surrender to Him fully again with all the noise around me. My gifts were proven to be true and strong by a few of my Pastors and brothers. My discernment, prophetic gifting and I eventually unlocked tongues, which was incredible! Even though I stayed in the wilderness longer than I was supposed to. God used it to show me I am a great man and not to let this pain and betrayal make me hide myself further and feed my biggest fear which is rejection.

With this levelling up came more attacks though. I recall the scariest one was the night after unlocking tongues. I woke up in the night to my bedroom light flashing, which I know was the Lord waking me up. But I couldn't move! I was facing the wall and heard something big and heavy shuffling from the far end of the room up behind me grunting and breathing heavily. I felt it leaning on my bed hovering over me, I knew what it was. Then it said “You think you are strong, no we are.” And telling me I'm not chosen. This voice I recognised, I heard this demon's voice during attacks in my childhood. Which said similar things, saying I'm the one they were looking for and they wanted me dead as a child.

But something took over when I heard it said “you think you are strong” the fear left my body as it pulled the covers down off my shoulder. A strength in me emerged like a surge of energy and I managed to partially break through the paralysis and grab the covers. And then “out in Jesus name” came out of my mouth, the Holy Spirit took over my tongue. And it loosened its grip over my body completely and I rolled over exhausted. And saw all my bedroom cupboards flung open. And items on the floor.

It’s crazy to think in this wilderness season, amongst all the pain, the battles and the suffering. I was on my last legs trying to endure. God was actually confirming who I really was, in the fire. Through the chaos my gifts began to sharpen with a clarity I’d never experienced before, even amongst the noise. But he was keeping me hidden, which I had as a word too. Hidden from a lot of people around me, as He no longer wanted me in my old church. He warned me countless times it was no longer safe.

Confirmation from a Pastor:

I confided in with a Pastor during this tough season, who saw the truth of the situation with my ex. He said my gifts are real and that I have been anointed since young and that I am a great man.

I was told I carry a shepherd’s heart. That there’s a pastoral calling over my life. In this storm I kept hearing from brothers through prophetic words, I’m meant to lead, guide, and protect, not just anyone, but men specifically. That there’s an army being raised in this generation and God is calling me to lead an army of men. To walk with those who are wounded, misunderstood, and rejected, just like I’ve been, And show them there’s still purpose in their pain, that their lives are more than suffering. God showed me this is why He called me to help others in my past too.

My whole life I’ve had a quiet but fierce love for the lost, especially the broken ones. I’ve always seen through the surface into their struggle, even when they couldn’t see it themselves, I could see the root of their pain and sorrow. God showed me this is why hes given me such a sensitive heart in such a shallow world. Its a gift, so I can really feel what others are carrying, and show them they are not alone, and that their father is waiting to free them. That’s the calling. That’s what the enemy was trying to break in me all along growing up, my heart.

And now, I see it. I accept it. And I’ll carry the gifts my Father has given me with honour. And I’m finally starting to accept and love myself, for being set far apart and being built so differently, I'm starting not to see it as a curse. As I know it's all by design, so I rely on his might and not mine. When I fully do, I know He’s going to take me places I never could have dreamed of. 

And even though I was bleeding out in this season, I was still using these gifts to protect my brothers and sisters from threats unseen. They will know who they are if they ever come to read this, and some of you won’t know I’ve taken arrows for you, but my Father sees it. I did that out of love, and because we are called as part of the greater body, to protect one another. And I truly do miss you all very deeply, even the ones I never really knew. Because you are my family in Christ and on this earth, we are on this battlefield together.

I also served tirelessly in the church day in day out for a month with the head pastor in my struggle to find a job. And I'm proud of myself for not giving up and fighting hard to serve Him in the fire. And I'm still not sure to this day if Pastor noticed but I was on my last legs, hoping God would bring me to a breakthrough.

Forgiving them was tough:

I know the church could have handled things better, but it was a complicated situation and no one is perfect, so I hold no unforgiveness or bitterness to the leadership there. But I can't lie I did feel overlooked in that church, and also led on. I was being fed hope of being a videographer in the church, a lot was keeping me in that environment.

But I know they tried their best. But my ex needed counselling and a lot of healing before another relationship, and this was agreed, but I was told she is an adult and has to come for help when she finally takes accountability for her wrong doings. But she didn’t and I was left bleeding out emotionally, while they were allowed to move on together.

A few pastors said she shouldn’t have rushed into another relationship and should have done the work on herself. And the pastors did tell them off and told them to have a 3 month break when they tried to get together in December like the Lord showed me would happen, and they were confronted hard about it! As it was a nasty way to treat me. But they were going behind the pastor's backs still in this break, God revealed it all to me. And because of that, God kept warning me and tried harder to redirect me to a place that was safe to heal. As he saw this situation was not being handled properly. But I chose to stay and fight it, and had a lot of outside influence to forgive them and move on so God could use me in this church. But He was closing so many doors, I no longer felt Him as strongly in the church on a Sunday. I felt spiritually unfed and blocked.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this experience though, it’s that if God ever places me in a pastoral role, I will not let a hurting sheep slip away for the sake of keeping appearances of unity. I’ve seen what happens when leaders prioritise the group’s image over the soul that’s bleeding out, it causes more disunity and pain in the long run. Jesus Himself said He would leave the ninety-nine to go after the one, and I believe that with my whole heart. If someone in the flock is betrayed, wounded, or abandoned, I want to be the kind of shepherd who sits with them in the valley, walks with them through the storm, and doesn’t rest until they’re restored, that's how I've helped people in the past. And that’s what our Lord does for us, and anything less isn’t true unity, it’s compromise. And that's another reason I thought the unity in my eyes was shallow. Gods showed me what true unity looks like, and that place was not it for me.

And if God calls me to do something else. I'll still be there for my brothers and sisters, all the same. It doesn't matter how far you stumble or if you are stuck in the heat of the wilderness. If you call for help I will be there. As we are not called to take the burden of this walk with Christ alone. We are called to do it together in true unity.

Galatians 6:2: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10: “Two are better than one… If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.”

Thessalonians 5:11: “Encourage one another and build each other up.”

I struggled to forgive them, there were too many things triggering me and opening the wound back up. And I was disobeying the Lord, as he saw the injustice and tried so hard to pull me from the fire, before it consumed and brought me to my end. That is why he gave me the ability to see the future, to warn me more pain is coming. But I endured, and it became self-sabotage.

I want to take a moment though, to say how deeply grateful I am for the people who tried to help me and supported me in a tough season of heavy warfare, the ones who prayed, who checked in, who gave what they could to support me when I was jobless. The ones who gave me a home in the chaos. I see it. I really do. And I’m beyond grateful for that. I pray God blesses you all!

But if I’m being honest, and I think it’s important to be sometimes, love and support can only go so far for those deeply wounded. Not because people don’t care, but because there’s a limit to what you can do for someone unless you’re really willing to sit in the valley with them. To understand the depth of the pain, the trauma, and the confusion they’re carrying, especially when it comes from being in an abusive relationship. Especially when the wounds on the soul run deep. 

But the truth is, I was dealing with things that couldn’t just be solved with encouragement or surface-level advice, like being told just forgive them and you will find healing. I didn’t doubt that advice, as that is what the new testament is all about, forgiving and keeping small accounts, and not looking back at the former things. Unless to use it as a testament to Gods grace and love, which is why I’m writing all of this!

But I needed people who could help me make a real exit plan, spiritually and emotionally, but I also understand that not everyone’s equipped for that. Not everyone knows how to walk someone out of that kind of heavy warfare. You can’t guide someone through a storm you’ve never weathered yourself.

On top of that, God was trying to redirect me so he knew I wouldn’t find true peace and healing in my old church. Even the best intentions can’t override His plan. Looking back, I realise some of the support I received wasn’t meant to rescue me in that place, but to set me up with the right tools to release me in the place God was moving me to.

But I am disappointed, as I didn't even get prayed out of the church in the end. They just let me go...I forgive them. But man it just reaffirmed to me, this place was too shallow. I sacrificed a lot for that church in the wilderness, and didn't really get much of a goodbye.

But if you were someone who tried and you know who you are. If you ever read this in the future, thank you and may God bring many blessings to you. I saw your heart posture at that moment and so did our Father. Genuinely. Please know that you were part of the process, even if it didn’t play out how you imagined. But I had to go the long way round so I could hear God clearly. He had to pull me out of the noise, out of the familiar, so I could finally surrender and be led by Him alone.

The battle against my flesh in the wilderness:

I stumbled a lot this season, fighting the Lord's redirection. I fell into self soothing to cope with how much pain I was in, as I wasn’t meant to heal there and only just managed to endure it. That included drinking at times, a bad habit I picked up with my ex when the emotional abuse was too much for me to handle, and the gaslighting making me feel insane. So I fell into a cycle of falling over, raising back up, falling over raising back up, especially after more situations unfolded with my ex and my old brother. It was a spiritual battle like none I’ve faced. Friends would message me commending my strength and had no clue how I was enduring it all.

It affected my relationships, people seeing me suffer. I was in a tug of war, between staying and enduring for my family or leaving with the Lord and healing. As the Lord had been trying to pull me from the fire, I chose to stay in it. Slowly burning to death, and trying to soothe the wounds with alcohol and cigarettes. Which I’d put to a stop when I came clean to a pastor about it, as I kept it hidden out of shame and guilt.

And I followed a plan which was made to help me climb out of this hole, but something wasn’t clicking. Spiritually I felt stuck still…and then everything hit the fan, I ended up getting evicted from my home which was meant to be a safe space for struggling Christians. But they had given me so much grace, and I'm truly grateful. But the battle in the spiritual world was too much for them to understand. 

I remember praying the night before this happened: “Lord, if I’m in an unsafe environment that’s stopping me from healing, remove me. Take me out of it. Pull me away from those who can’t understand what I’m going through, people who genuinely cannot help me move forward. As I'm bleeding out here Lord and I feel like I'm going to die.” 

To add just 2 weeks before all of this, my ex and old friend were celebrated, on stage in front of my congregation as they got engaged. And God told me not to go to church that day, to protect me. He showed me this would happen. Just to confirm I opened the livestream, and God showed me the exact timecode it was in the video. It made me bleed out so much faster, I felt like I was on my last legs.

During the eviction things took a sudden and heart-breaking turn. I won’t go into specifics, because the truth is, I was a mess. We’re all human, and we all make mistakes.

But I’ve come to see that this was God putting his foot down and redirecting me for good, giving me no chance to fight Him! He was closing a door, I wasn’t strong enough to close myself. Protecting me from staying in a place that was slowly poisoning my Spirit and killing me.

I hold no bitterness. I forgive those who hurt me. And if I caused any offence along the way, I’m sorry for that too. I know I’m not perfect, but I also know the Lord sees my heart. I still love those people deeply! I always will!

And now, I’m walking forward in peace, knowing that the Father’s hand was on all of it. He heard my prayer. And He moved hard!

But I think the biggest thing for me, was how easy it was to forgive my ex and old brother in Christ. As soon as I was redirected the prayer to forgive rolled off my tongue with ease. And felt freeing!

But in Wales, I couldn't do it. It was like my tongue was tied and I felt stuck. Like God was saying again "this place is not safe to heal."

Here are some signs to look out for when God’s trying to redirect you:

You’ll stop growing spiritually.

The people around you won’t understand the depth of your pain and begin to walk away.

You’ll feel like you’re surviving, not thriving.

Doors will begin to close, sometimes violently.

His voice gets louder, even if it feels more painful.

Peace leaves you, and confusion sets in when you stay where you are no longer safe.

Additional signs not to ignore:

You start to feel out of alignment with your environment. Something feels off, you may not be in sin, but it no longer feels like home.

The familiar becomes uncomfortable. What once brought you joy now feels draining.

Divine interruptions happen. Plans fall apart no matter how well you prepare.

You feel spiritually agitated. A holy restlessness begins to stir in your spirit, you can't settle even when everything “looks” fine on the surface.

You begin to discern that you’re being protected, not punished. Losses feel devastating, but you sense God is removing what you won’t release.

Isolation increases, but it’s spiritual. God starts pulling you away from the crowd to speak to you alone. He keeps you hidden.

Your gifts start to feel stifled. You know there’s more in you, but the current environment feels like it’s choking your purpose not feeding it.

Confirmation comes in waves. Through dreams, sermons, strangers, Scriptures and you keep hearing the same thing in different ways.

You begin to crave intimacy with God like never before. The wilderness presses you to seek Him deeply because nothing else satisfies.

A very obvious sign I ignored from the Lord:

Something else I haven’t shared yet, but it’s a massive part of this story, is how God brought another ex-girlfriend into my life to redirect me, who I’ll refer to as J. J and I were in a relationship before I ever met my recent ex-partner. She’s a great woman, we just weren’t in the right season for a relationship back then, I was battling a horrible illness. While our breakup was tough especially on her, we parted ways and didn’t really stay in contact after that.

But in the midst of everything, the pain, the confusion, the heaviness of this storm. God reopened that door.

Around Christmas time, we reconnected out of nowhere. I was really struggling at the time, and she reached out and offered support and wisdom. Re-affirming to me that I am a good man, misunderstood and always bending over for the wrong people like my ex, and that everything my ex took from me, God will restore if I obey Him. She was protecting me, trying to help me out of the spiral, and destroy the attacks on my character that were not true, by my recent ex.

Not long after that, J went through her own attacks around her baptism, and I was able to be there for her too. It was like God had perfectly timed our reconnection to be a support system for each other, a reminder that we weren’t alone, and there is someone who truly sees our hearts.

She was another voice of confirmation that God was trying to redirect me. That I wasn’t hearing wrong. And she was a good friend for telling me straight, the tough love I needed and I wish I listened at the time. As she was telling me to come home. And receiving that tough love from someone who knew me before the chaos hit, who truly knew my heart and that I am a great man, meant the world to me. It was like God saying, “Look son, I’m serious, it’s time to leave this place. You can’t heal here. Let me in fully, and let me guide you.”

And here’s what’s even wilder, J goes to the same church I’ve now been redirected to. A church I was led to by someone from my old church community. It’s like God used a thread from my past and wove it into this brand new season. What are the chances? No coincidence. Just God, being God. A Father looking out for his son.

My new church:

God is merciful. Even when I was disobedient, He still made a way. He still led me home.

I walked into my new church, feeling anxious and reserved. And I was standing in the lobby area, and was introduced to the head pastor who stopped everything to talk to me. He booked a one-on-one meeting for the very next day, something he says he doesn’t usually do. He said it was God. And in that meeting, he confirmed everything I’d been feeling. That I’ve been through a wilderness season and that God had redirected me from a dark place. That I’ve been misunderstood. But also that I carry something deeper. A higher calling. That I need a home where I can be seen, heard, and healed safely, and I felt in my heart this is the place! I felt my spirit man light up!

That’s when it snapped for real, God was trying to spare me from pain and plant me in stronger cleaner soil. I was a fool staying in the wilderness longer than I should have. Trying to stay loyal to a place that was no longer for me.

Before entering this church I prayed for God to meet me there. I prayed to be introduced to a new family that would see me.

And I got introduced to some of the wonderful young adults at this church, so loving and inviting. I felt the Lord so strongly in them.

Another confirmation with my new young adults group:

And then at my new church’s young adults group bible study, I had one of those undeniable moments, where you know without a doubt that God is in every detail. I can’t lie it was hard being in a new group, after moving on from an old one. But ever since me and my ex broke up that group didn’t seem the same, there was division, lust, clichés and gossip. And it broke my heart seeing it all as we were all so tight last year. But I knew God pulled me out long ago, as again, it was not a safe. I truly miss them, and love them all the same.

So in this new group, we were studying Genesis 47 and 48, and it hit me hard. Joseph bringing his family into Egypt, leaving behind the familiar to step into foreign land, that’s exactly where I’m at right now. I’ve returned to my hometown. I could feel God speaking so clearly: “I brought you here.”

It was like a divine mirror, Joseph’s redirection was my redirection. A stripping back of everything familiar. I can’t rely on the comforts I used to. I can’t cling to old coping mechanisms, or to people I thought would walk with me. God’s making it plain: this season is about full surrender to Him and not putting my hope in people. He’s bringing me back to the basics, just me and Him. Nothing else.

A woman who led the group prayed over me, and I knew instantly it was the Lord speaking through her. And man I felt a big call on this woman's life, she really hears from God so clearly! God spoke through her, something along these lines:

“Son, this is where I will raise you up. I’ve given you gifts, yet you hide them from the world out of fear. Be confident. I’ve given you knowledge and wisdom, so use it. And I’ve put a mighty leader inside of you. Don’t hold back your gifts that could be helping others.”

I was stunned. That word pierced through everything I’d been struggling to articulate for months. She didn’t know me,  but God did. And in that moment, He was reminding me: You are not forgotten. I’ve still got plans for you!

We ended the night in group prayer, and the message was clear across the board:

We must leave sin behind. We can’t expect God to take us higher while holding onto the very things that are keeping us spiritually low, that He is trying to strip us of in the wilderness. There must be cleansing. There must be full surrender.

I have to die to my flesh fully. I have to give up the illusions of control, the fall back sins, the things that numb but don’t heal. Because before Joseph ever stepped into purpose, he had to go through pain. So did Jacob. So did many. And now… so do I.

This new church, this new young adults group, this exact moment, it’s not by accident. The heartbreak, the betrayal, the isolation, the confusion I went through in my old church, none of it was wasted. God was redirecting me the entire time to deeper waters. And now, I can feel it: He’s levelling me up in the right place. But He won’t take me higher until I’ve fully let go of the world below.

Men's group:

Another unexpected blessing has been stepping into a men’s group that feels like a divine appointment. Just recently, I was introduced to these brothers, and it quickly became clear that God had placed me here for a reason.

A man in the group, whom I’ll call W, shared a word with me that really struck deep from the Lord, and I felt he had a word coming for me, I sensed Him hearing from our Father. He told me that he felt God showing him that I’ve been through a dark time, betrayal, church hurt, and a painful season that tested me. But he also said God’s been bringing me out into the light, that He’s had His protective hand over me all along and forging me. W saw God’s love and strength in me, encouraging me not to carry shame or guilt about how things have unfolded. It was a reminder again, that God’s been present the whole time, turning even my struggles into part of His plan.

What’s more, the men in the group recognized a leader in me straight away. They told me there’s no doubt I’ve come at the perfect time, with the gifts and experiences God’s given me. I shared a word with them that brought a bit of conviction and helped us refocus on unity. Now, they’ve asked me to lead a segment on finding our identity in Christ, something God really placed on my heart as a key topic for the men.

It’s humbling, especially in a season where I haven’t felt good enough and unseen. I could feel they knew I've been set apart, and it felt comforting just to be heard and seen. But I know the Lord is making a way. He’s calling me to surrender and let Him work through me, and I’m ready to step into that. This men’s group is becoming a reflection of what God’s been doing all along, turning the wilderness into a place of new growth and leadership.

Conclusion: God’s Confirmation Through Rejection, Redirection & His Word:

In this wilderness season, God has been speaking to me in more ways I can no longer ignore.

When wrapping up this blog post, I randomly searched for something on Spotify and found a podcast titled “God’s Redirection.” I had no expectations, but straight away, this podcaster was speaking on Genesis 47–50. Joseph’s journey. Rejection. Redirection. Provision. And the reassurance that God is in the details. That alone was a confirmation yet again!

But then she went deeper. She spoke about family rejection being one of the hardest kinds, a pain that wounds more deeply than rejection from friends. I’ve felt both, the family being my old church. And in the same breath, she said something that shook me:

“God will allow rejection to redirect you. He’ll let doors slam shut to get you out of places you’ve outgrown, places that can’t carry the weight of the calling He’s placed on your life.”

I realised… that spiritual wall I hit before I left my old church, God put it there for sure. Not out of cruelty, but out of mercy. I had reached the limit of growth in that place. The pain, the betrayal, the emotional confusion, they weren’t signs that I’d lost my way. They were signs that He was calling me into deeper waters. And I had a vision of this, of my old church people, in these shallow waters and I was bleeding into the water in the background, unnoticed. Then Jesus walked up to me and directed me the opposite way into deeper waters.

And I know God has a woman waiting out there for me. That will see my heart, and the call on my life. And that will support me till the end like I will her. We will fight the darkness in this world together, and bring glory to Him.

And then, the Scriptures began lining up like divine breadcrumbs:

Proverbs 14:12: “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”

Sometimes we cling to what feels “right” in our own understanding, relationships, churches, environments, but that doesn’t mean it’s God’s will. Our minds try to make sense of things, but God is always seeing the bigger picture. 

Proverbs 16:9: “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.”

Even when I thought I was choosing my direction, God was still guiding my feet. I see now that His hand was orchestrating the redirection the entire time.

Psalm 37:23–24: “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Though he falls, he will not be cast down, for the Lord upholds him with His hand.”

Even when I stumbled, felt confused, and lost people I loved, He was still holding me up. He didn’t let me fall too far. He was keeping me, sustaining me, and preparing me.

This season hasn’t been about abandonment, it’s been about alignment.

Not about punishment, but preparation.

I’m not just healing now,  I’m being positioned.

And the wilderness isn’t where I’m dying, it’s where I’m being refined.

So to anyone who feels like everything’s falling apart… maybe it’s not falling apart. Get out of your human brain and into the Lord's will for your life! Maybe God’s putting it all back together, His way this time.

Let His will be done. I’m ready.

And maybe… you are too!

Wrapping up with a Word to the greater body: Brothers & Sisters, This Isn’t How It Should Be:

Look, we are brothers and sisters in Christ. We’re all on the same battlefield. We’re called to fight for one another, not against one another. And yet, in the Body of Christ, I keep seeing something that grieves me deeply: secrecy, dishonour, and emotional betrayal, especially when it comes to love and relationships.

Let’s be real, if you’re getting involved with someone your close friend once loved, and you’re doing it in silence, hiding it, avoiding conversations, or deflecting with spiritual language… that’s not godliness. That’s cowardice cloaked in charisma.

You can't say “God can bless anything” as a way to excuse doing dirt to your brother or sister.

Yes, God redeems, but He doesn’t reward betrayal dressed up as divine timing.

If your relationship cost someone else's healing, don't call it God’s will. That’s not how He operates.

When we keep things in the dark, especially things that touch the heart, we open the door to division, bitterness, and confusion. The enemy loves that. The Spirit of God doesn’t move in secrecy and shady backdoors. He moves in light, love, and truth.

So if you’ve done something behind your brother or sister’s back, especially relationally, own it.

Don’t justify it.

Don’t ignore it.

Make it right.

Because your ministry, your calling, even your relationship, will never bear real fruit if it's built on broken trust you refused to heal.

Much love and blessings to you all! Lets bring Glory to His name! And bring the fight to the enemy!

[thecagedeagle]

✝️ INTRODUCTION POST — “Caged Eagle: The Awakening of a Set-Apart Soul”:

I’ve known for a long time that I wasn’t like everyone else. I don't say this with pride, or like I am special. I know I'm just a vessel, chosen by the Lord to be used to bring glory to His name in this poisoned world.

When I was born I had alcohol in my body and most likely heroin as well. I was attacked in the womb. The enemy tried but Gods hand on me was too strong.

My mother was an addict, heroin was her choice of comfort. To quiet the voices in her head. She had such a strong and loving heart.

I loved her so deeply, I felt the battle in her mind and around her in the spiritual. The enemy was trying to take her out in hopes to take me down with her. I got pulled into foster care at the age of 5. Adopted at the age of 7 with my half brother.

Ever since then all I dreamed of was saving her and finding the tools to do so. As I couldn't see her till I was an adult, social services told me. But she was in trouble, and I knew she saw a light in me. She knew I was different. But the enemy took her from me, that was his biggest mistake...you took my mother, and that's why I'm going to bring the fight to you, just as relentlessly as you've brought it to me.

Anyways as a boy, I could feel it, this presence with me. Watching. Guiding. Whispering right from wrong, even before I knew Scripture.

Back then, I used to call it a “guardian angel.” Now I know it was God.

He was speaking to me long before I ever opened His Word.

He was nudging me to help others, to comfort the broken, to discern the hidden pain in people. Ive always seen people not based on their outward appearance, but what God has given them on the inside. Even as a child, I felt like I was designed specifically for something, but I didn’t understand it, and I didn’t want to be rejected for it, for being different. But I felt this divine assignment on my life, but I was too afraid of rejection to accept it.

Even though as a child my eyes were open, I could see all the corruption, all the demons people carried and it was scary and overwhelming to say the least. I knew this world was meant to be a paradise, that this wasn't the original design. That something evil was lurking beyond the physical in a realm unseen, skewing this world.

But in my fear of rejection, I chose the world instead.

I forced myself to sin, being told by a voice in my head "son you know this is wrong and not the way!". I forced myself to fit in, I wanted to be normal, normal by the world standards. I wanted to feel wanted, not rejected for the heart God placed in me. A heart like his Sons that craved to free the broken from the bondage I could sense and feel them stuck in.

I ignored the voice that told me, “This isn’t the way,” and tried to blend into the world I was never meant to fit into.

But even in my rebellion, even in my darkest moments, He never left me. He gave me so much grace, as I know he believes in me so much. He protected me through all the enemies attempts to kill me, and believe me it was relentless growing up, all I've known is the battle. But God granted me strength to endure and stay true to myself in the heat of it all. He kept my heart soft in a world designed to harden it.

And now I see it so much clearer than ever, I’ve been chosen. Set apart. Anointed not because of who I am, but because of who He is. And this has been confirmed by spiritual leaders, they see I've been annointed long before I came to Christianity the past year.

He pre-programmed me with a heart like His Son’s, to see, to feel deeply, to intercede, to protect. And I’ve been running from it… because I was afraid of having a heart that feels too deep, in a world so shallow.

I spent my teens and early 20s helping people from my own strength, but the Lord would guide me to these people. And believe me, I helped many, and have saved lives when this little voice in the back of my head would tell me to. It was like a Spidey sense, and I loved it. I felt like I was doing what I was brought here to do, I craved helping others and seeing people set free from the demons tormenting them. I kept a lot of this hidden from friends and family, out of fear of rejection again. So it's been a lonely walk...

On this journey, as I didn't have the full armour of God. The target on my back was big. I was attacked by demons through people who sought to take me out, on assignment from the enemy. This a lot of the time came in the form of narcissists. And I've found from extensive research, this seems to be a common tactic for those chosen for a higher purpose by God.

I will talk about this in further posts. As I'm currently in a crushing season after experiencing narcissistic abuse from a previous partner. I thought I would have learnt by now, you can't always love someone for their potential. And I know the battle is not against flesh or blood, I've always known since I was a boy. So I try to help those where I can, it's part of being in a relationship. And in all honesty I just don't have a clue how to give up on people haha.

But anyways, growing up I still tried so hard to fit in out of fear. I opened up doors to the enemies attacks to be stronger. And unchecked sin, only escalates if you don't repent and get set free by the Lord.

Afraid of being different.

Afraid of being rejected.

Afraid of being used by God in a world that wouldn't understand me.

But the Lord has been calling louder than my fear.

This blog, Caged Eagle, is my journal.

My safe place.

My altar.

A space where I’ll be sharing everything:

What it means to be crushed and still chosen.

The spiritual warfare I’ve endured, intense, relentless, real.

The isolation I’ve felt, even among Christians, and the betrayal that nearly broke me.

But also… the gifts He’s revealed. The calling that’s becoming clearer. The fire that’s slowly being reignited, in this crushing season.

If you're a believer feeling misunderstood, overwhelmed, caught between calling and crushing, you’re not alone.

If you’ve ever felt like the spiritual attacks on your life were more intense than others, this space is for you! You are in the fire for a reason! You are being forged to bring glory to our Fathers name!

If you’ve ever been afraid of surrendering fully, I see you. And I pray this blog becomes a place of comfort, conviction, and clarity for you.

I don’t have all the answers. I'm still learning, but wish to be raw, as this road is narrow. This Christian walk is difficult by design so we rely on His strength and not ours.

But I’m here, soul bruised, faith battered, still choosing Him.

Still saying yes.

Even in the fire!

“Many are called, but few are chosen.” — Matthew 22:14

Welcome to Caged Eagle.

Let’s walk through the fire together and seek first His kingdom! As the road is narrow and we must look out for one another. And you can be damn sure I won't let any of you in my life stray from the path, as we are on this battleground together! No one is getting left behind!

Much love and blessings! 💙🙏🏼