Life, the Internet and Everything

by Joe Petro

[joepetro]

It's Box Box!

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It’s Box Box! My new monthly box service that ships you a box full of other box service boxes, tailored to match your taste in box services!

[joepetro]

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It would have popped more as an opening track, but sequencing issues aside, “Location 3” is still my favorite song of the year.

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How I Met “How I Met Your Mother”

Sometime in 2007, my friend recommended that I start watching How I Met Your Mother. Since this was the same friend who turned me on to Arrested Development, I took him at his word and bought the first two seasons of the show on DVD, sight unseen. As expected, it turned out to be an excellent purchase and another excellent recommendation.

For the next few months, there was rarely anything else in the disc tray—I got my money’s worth out of those DVDs. I watched them repeatedly by myself, then a couple more times with my family, then over and over again with my college roommates. It was gluttonous and glorious. Forget binge-drinking, we had discovered binge-watching and it was (of course) legendary.

Needless to say, we all loved the show. I was hooked. Even when the quality dipped a little during the third season, I still cared enough about Ted, Barney, Robin, Marshall, and Lily to write (and send!) a letter to CBS urging them to keep the show on the air when it was in danger of being cancelled—something I had never done before, have not done since, and will likely never do again. Out of respect for myself, the contents of that letter shall not be reprinted here…

Except for one line, a line that seemed particularly fitting when I reread it today. It said: “There is something about this show that sticks with people.”

And I think, seven or so years later, that’s still true. I don’t know what that specific “something” is. Maybe it’s the cast’s chemistry? Or the voice of Bob Saget? And of course there’s that mother-shaped carrot that has been perpetually dangling on a string in front of our noses since the first episode (as pictured above). But in my gut, I suspect that “something” is the show’s storytelling ability.

Despite its various lulls or missteps over the years, How I Met Your Mother possessed the ability to—in any given episode—completely knock your socks off with an amazing, originally-told story. And those moments, whether charming or gut-wrenching, were always the show’s best.

I’m optimistically looking forward to tonight’s finale. I trust it will be great, although I wouldn’t be surprised if they had a couple more storytelling tricks hidden up their perfectly tailored suit sleeves. It wouldn’t be How I Met Your Mother if they didn’t.

And when it’s all over…

I’m going to watch the whole show again. Not right now or anything, but eventually. How I Met Your Mother is decidedly more enjoyable to watch in one sitting than it is week-to-week. The highs are just as high, but the lows aren’t so low when you don’t have to linger on them for weeks at a time.

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Test Chat

Tourist: Could you help me with this?

Other: Nope, you poop head.

Tourist: I don't smell.

Other: Yes, you do.

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Title

Here is the introduction writing. Here is some more of it. It keeps going and going and losing and losing—here, there, and everywhere.

Number one

Number two

Number three

Here's the second part. And there's more of it. They have a choice—they can live in my new world or they can die in their new one. I want to know which side you're on.

Bullet one

Bullet two

Bullet three

And the end. If you want justice, you've come to the wrong place.

[joepetro]

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"Hi, yes I’d like to trade in my Connor for something a little less temperamental. Perhaps a Francis or an Eleanor?"

[joepetro]

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If you’re not careful, you could end up listening to this song on repeat forever and ever until the end of time.

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Jessica Simpson Contemplates Each of Her Three Christmas Albums

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"Okay, this one’s for them. People seem to love this ‘dumb blonde’ racket on Newlyweds, so let’s just embrace it. Tis the season, right? So…how about we misspell ‘rejoice’ in the title? They’ll eat that up. Actually, let’s really lean into this. Capitalize the ‘J’, too. That’s even worse. Oh, and you might as well forget about the colon after ‘ReJoyce’ while you’re at it. No need for this to be grammatically correct.”

Later…

"Okay, one more for them. But seriously…7-Eleven? I didn’t know they even sold music. Where do they stock the CDs, behind the Cool Ranch Taquitos and off-off-brand batteries? Disgusting. Could we seriously not get Starbucks or something?

…Wait, you’re telling me that it’s the year 2004 and Starbucks doesn’t sell music? Not at all? God, what a missed opportunity. I mean, digital sales are probably another six years—minimum—from really taking off, so people are definitely still buying compact discs. And it’s probably another couple of years before technology expedites the retail checkout process in any noticeably significant way. Factor in the time it takes for your average, blockheaded barista to not only make your triple, venti, half-caff, soy macci-I-don’t-know-what, but to also drizzle a perfect herringbone masterpiece of non-fat caramel on top of it…

Bottom line is that these trend-chasing zombies are spending plenty of time in front of the Starbucks cashier—their wallets and mouths agape. And what do I always say, Nick? Time. Is. Money. And Starbucks is wasting time. I mean, this is Babytown Frolics. You find an artist whose image and music reinforces your brand, exclusively license an album from that artist, play that album in your store all goddamn day, and then sell that album at the register to the sheep who have just now listened the entire thing while waiting in line for their daily caffeine fix!

Not only are you generating some solid point of purchase sales from all of this, but you’re simultaneously diversifying your business and consumer base. As a matter of fact, it’s not even business—it’s goddamn common sense. And what do I always say, Nick? What do I always say? That’s right. If you don’t have sense, you don’t make cents.

Now what the hell were we just talking about?”

Six years later…

"At long last…one for me. The original title was "Jessica Simpson’s Explicit Christmas," but I decided to change it to something more innocuous so I could maintain the element of surprise. Ten Christmas classics with all the cussing you never knew you were missing. Reindeer? No. This is profane, dear. Merry f*cking Christmas, ya filthy animals."

[joepetro]

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On a list of NASA’s greatest cultural contributions to mankind, the “Potato Chip” sketch ranks only slightly below the Apollo 11 moon landing.

[joepetro]

Dr. V's Magic Putter

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I just stumbled across this series of articles that were published a couple weeks ago over at Grantland: 

Dr. V’s Magic Putter

The Dr. V Story: A Letter From the Editor

What Grantland Got Wrong

If you have the time, you should give them a read—all three of them, not just one. There are, truly, plenty of important lessons to be learned here—one of which being how to take a bad mistake and turn it into a valuable learning experience.

[joepetro]

Everyone saw their faith in Groundhog Day. And it was not really faith in a God, because there’s no God postulated in Groundhog Day. It was a faith in humanity. And I’m nothing if not a secular humanist. You don’t need religion to be a good person. Maybe there’s a simpler way.

–Harold Ramis from And Here’s The Kicker by Mike Sacks. (via joepetro)