TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT 1/?
[ text ]: STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
[ text ]: Also there's a guy walking around in the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked is we've ever smoked weed with a shark being. i'm dying
[ text ]: Accepting his friends request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex
[ text ]: What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
[ text ]: I have a knack for carnage and poetic language
[ text ]: Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast:1, Fucks given: 0
[ text ]: But how MUCH of an emergency? Like should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
[ text ]: And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
[ text ]: And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified
[ text ]: my bed is a shrine, and i am its goddess
[ text ]: you got into a really intense argument about protecting bees. it was weirdly arousing.
[ text ]: THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!
[ text ]: i need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
[ text ]: i just told the sun to stop. That hungover
[ text ]: I know you're asleep but i just had a motherfucking epiphany
[ text ]: jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said I love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
[ text ]: just got yelled at by a priest...again
[ text ]: i don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me
[ text ]: you. me. a bottle of vodka. The Wilderness.
[ text ]: i mean obviously i like your dick, jury is out on you but your dick is good
[ text ]: i swear to the sweet baby jesus i didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
[ text ]: NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
[ text ]: because of him my new motto is 'Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
[ text ]: FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
[ text ]: I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
[ text ]: I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that.
[ text ]: drunkeness level: fluent in olde norse
[ text ]: I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
[ text ]: dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
[ text ]: on a scare of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
[ text ]: there can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. get your shit together.
[ text ]: you are like the bill nye of illicit activities.