The D.C. Brief

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Wow! Pharrell Williams To Sing At Trump’s Inauguration (although it might be Rudy Giuliani in a hat)

WASHINGTON – Donald Trump has had a difficult time booking talent to perform at his inauguration Friday. But in a major coup for the President-elect, his transition team announced today that they have booked Grammy winning singer-songwriter and producer Pharrell Williams (although it may be Rudy Giuliani in a big hat).

Williams will perform the National Anthem for Trump on Friday, a major honor for the singer behind such hits as “Happy” and “Blurred Lines” (it has to be said, however, that there’s definitely a chance it is actually Rudy Giuliani in a hat).

The question of which artists would and would not perform at the official inaugural events has been fraught since Trump’s election in November, with many artists publicly declaring they would not perform. The news of Pharrell Williams performance has, of course, delighted Trump (I’m pretty sure that’s just Rudy Giuliani wearing a hat though).

Others who have agreed to perform at the inauguration have received backlash on social media. So far Pharrell has received little criticism for his decision to perform (probably because that’s definitely just Rudy Giuliani wearing a big hat).

By Tom Flight (@tomflight)

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New Poll Shows 100% Of People Believe Polls Are Not Rigged

PRINCETON UNIVERSITY - A new poll from CNN/ORC (Opinion Research Corporation) has shown that 100% of people believe that polls are not rigged. Of the 40,000 asked, amazingly, every single person said they believed that poll results, in general, are not compromised by the officiators.

The poll was introduced as a response to Donald Trump’s criticism of the polling industry, specifically his historically low approval ratings. In a Tweet Tuesday the President-Elect said, “The same people who did the phony election polls, and were so wrong, are now doing my approval rating polls. They are rigged just like before.”

I’m sorry Mr. President-Elect, it seems like the people just aren’t with you on this one.

By Tom Flight @tomflight

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Trump Tweets He Is A Better Actor Than Meryl Streep

 BEVERLY HILLS, CALIF. - President-elect Donald J. Trump dismissed Meryl Streep early Monday morning after the actress, in a speech at the Golden Globes award ceremony, denounced him as a bully who disrespected and humiliated others.

Mr. Trump, in a brief telephone interview, said that Streep is overrated and that he is a “much better” actor than the 3-time Academy Award winner.

In a Tweet Monday, Trump compared his cameo appearance in Home Alone 2 with Streep’s Oscar-winning performance in Sophie’s Choice, stating that Home Alone 2 “made way more money” so he must be the better actor.

Trump went onto say he should have won 1992 Oscar for Best Supporting Actor instead of Jack Palance.

By Tom Flight @tomflight

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Breaking! Swamp In Washington Flooding Severely

WASHINGTON DC – Reports are coming in that the swamp of our nation’s capital is flooding rapidly at a severe rate. The flooding has occurred with the news that the House have voted to gut the Independent Ethics Office.

The announcement came from self-confessed “ultra-ethical” Representative Robert W. Goodlatte.

The House tried to show how super ethical they were by having the vote late Monday night, a national public holiday, with no advance notice or debate. The measure will all but terminate the ethics watchdog. 

And now the swamp, that President-elect Donald Trump promised to drain, is severely flooded.

By Tom Flight @tomflight

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Santa Criticized For Politicizing Naughty or Nice List

NORTH POLE – Democrats in Congress have criticized St. Nick for allowing his political opinions to sway who he places on his annual “Naughty or Nice” list, his system of determining which children deserve presents on Christmas Day.

“We believe we have evidence that Santa is purposely putting the children of Hillary Clinton voters on the naughty list,” said Nancy Pelosi, Minority Leader of the House.

Many have been surprised to find that Santa is staunch Trump supporter, but many Washington insiders have long suspected him of having strong Conservative views, with the liberal ‘war on Christmas,’ being an issue St. Nick is passionate about.

Last year’s sightings of Santa’s sleigh showed bumper stickers saying ‘Stop the War on Christmas,’ and ‘Boycott Starbucks.’ Rumors that today his sleigh will be adorned with a ‘Build the wall,’ banner are unfounded.

By Tom Flight @tomflight

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“Youtuber” Enjoys Good Payday

LONDON – The news media was dominated today when an attention seeking “social media star” was reportedly thrown off a Delta Airlines flight for speaking iarabic in a phone call to his mother.

Now we still do not have all the facts, and it is possible that the actions of Delta Airlines were wrong. But what we do know for certain is that, on some level, this whole episode was fabricated by Saleh in order to further his own image and fame, and in the process Saleh will undoubtedly make a ton of money.

Saleh has been responsible for numerous pranks at airlines, and is the same person who has tweeted that the Boston Bomber was innocent, that 9/11 was an “inside job”, and in video has referred to black Americans as “abeed,” a derogatory Arabic term meaning slave.

Also, his phone should have been in flight mode.

By Tom Flight @tomflight

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Trump Won’t Rule Out Using Nuclear Weapons In “War On Christmas”

WASHINGTON – President-elect Donald Trump on Wednesday refused to rule out using nuclear weapons in the war on Christmas that rages in America every December. Trump stated he will not be a “happy trigger” but that, “in war you need to have an element of unpredictability.”

On the campaign trail Trump said he would be “the last to use nuclear weapons” but when it came to war he would “never rule it out.”

Many American’s believe that “progressives” are trying to create a secular country in which Christmas will take no part. But we must ask ourselves this season, at what cost? Every time an American utters the phrase “Happy Holidays” they are bringing the country closer to nuclear disaster.

By Tom Flight @TomFlight

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Trump Slams “Dishonest” Ghost Of Christmas Future

NEW YORK – Donald Trump has taken twitter to criticize the Ghost of Christmas Future for foretelling a bleak future for the President-elect.

The Ghost, which was the third to visit Trump in recent days, reportedly showed Trump his future in which the majority of his campaign promises failed to happen, including the Mexican border-wall never being built, a continued sluggish economy, and a sharp increase in natural disasters due to his undoing of climate control legislation.

“The Ghost of Christmas Future is totally dishonest. The future is gong to be amazing. Ghost knows nothing!” Trump tweeted Tuesday.

Merry Christmas

By Tom Flight @tomflight

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Big Win For Trump! Santa Relocates Workshop To Pittsburgh

PITTSBURG – President-elect Donald J. Trump claimed credit on Sunday night for persuading Santa Claus to relocate a large part of his workshop to in Pittsburgh.

Mr. Trump wrote on Twitter shortly after 9 p.m. that St. Nick had just told him that he “will be bringing his workshop to Pittsburgh, to bring jobs to the American people and Make America Great Again.”

Construction on the workshop will start in January, to be completed by May ready for Fall operations. The workshop will focus mainly on the assembly of “wooden toys” and “puppets.”

The elf community in the North Pole are reportedly very worried, and have been told there will be job losses. Rumors of a move have been circulating for months, at one point Mexico was considered Santa’s preferred location, but since Trump’s election in November he decided western Pennsylvania was the ideal place for this venture.

The only wriggle for Trump is that the workshop and tools can only be operated by workers under 3 feet tall, which will certainly narrow the competition for jobs in Pittsburg.

By Tom Flight @tomflight

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Sad! Billy Joe Armstrong Upset Trump Never Tweeted About Him

LA – Billy Joe Armstrong is reportedly disappointed that his performance with the pop band Green Day, in which he modified the lyrics so the words, “No Trump. No KKK. No fascist USA,” were repeatedly chanted, was not deemed worthy of a retort in the Twittersphere from the President-elect.

“I was absolutely certain that Trump would twee,” a disappointed Armstrong told reporters Monday. “He tweeted about Hamilton, and Baldwin. We’re way more hardcore than Baldwin man.”

Armstrong was hoping that a social media war of words would help spike interest for the upcoming tour, but it seems more likely that the story will fade.

When asked by reporters Tuesday if he would be responding to Green Day’s performance, Trump responded, “Oh I’m supposed to care what the lead singer of Green Day said? I didn’t realize it was 2004.”

By Tom Flight @tomflight ([email protected])

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Trump Promises Tiffany A Free Tour Of White House

WASHINGTON DC - President-elect Donald Trump's transition team asked the government about the possibility of getting Donald Jr., Eric and Ivanka Trump, along with Jared Kushner, his right-hand man and Ivanka Trump's husband, permission to receive top security clearance, according to a transition source. In the interest of not showing favoritism to his children, the transition team have reached out to Trump’s daughter Tiffany to offer her a free tour of the White House in the not too distance future.

Trump’s three eldest children along with Kushner, who has been one of Trump's most trusted confidants are, expected to be heavily involved in Trump's White House, perhaps in a formal capacity. And Tiffany will receive a full, self-guided tour of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Tiffany is reportedly thrilled with the offer. President-elect Trump himself has suggested the tour take place while he plans to be overseas sometime in the Spring.

By Johnny Woods

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Trump Appoints The Joker As Chief Strategist

WASHINGTON - Critics have denounced President-elect Trump for appointing super-criminal and crazed psychopath, The Joker, as his chief strategist.

“The Joker was terrific for me throughout the campaign. Yes he has murdered a lot of people, but people should look at the full résumé,” Trump said today in an interview with CNN.

The Joker endorsed Trump early in the primary season. When asked what drew him to Trump as a candidate for Trump, The Joker replied, “I just want to watch the world burn,” before laughing maniacally for 5 minutes.

The Joker’s greatest foe, Batman, commented briefly on his arch nemesis’s recent appointment:

“The Joker is one of the most dangerous, psychotic, deranged forces in the world today. For him to join forces with the Republican Party at a high level could bring about the destruction of the world as we know it,” the Caped Crusader said today in a statement. “He is, however, a much better choice than Steve Bannon.”

Senator for Massachusetts Elizabeth Warren has seen one positive way of looking at the controversial decision, saying, “The Joker doesn’t discriminate who he terrorizes, black, white, latino, Asian. It is refreshing to see Trump appoint someone who comes with no racist baggage.”

By Tom Flight @tomflight ([email protected])

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Part Of The Wall Could Be A Very Big “Do Not Enter” Sign

WASHINGTON DC - Certain areas of Donald Trump's promised border wall with Mexico, a key part of his White House campaign platform, could be a larger than normal “Do Not Enter” sign, the US President-elect says.\

Asked in an interview with CBS' 60 Minutes whether he would accept a big sign instead of a wall or fence, Mr. Trump said, "for certain areas I would", according to excerpts.

"But certain areas a wall is more appropriate," he said. "I'm very good at this, it's called construction. It will be beautiful sign, huge sign. The biggest you’ve ever seen."

Asked whether Mexico will pay for the sign, Trump replied, “Mexico will pay for the sign.”

By Tom Flight @tomflight ([email protected])

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Congress Trying Frantically To Pass Amendment Banning President From Owning Smart Phone

WASHINGTON DC – The Republican led House of Representatives and Senate are in the midst of trying to pass amendment to the Constitution banning the command-in-chief from owning a smart phone.

The President-elect Donald Trump has admitted the role of social media played a huge part in helping him win the Presidency on Tuesday, but do those within political establishment now fear that the thin-skinned President could trigger international events with an impulsive Tweet sent at the wrong?

“This is a simple security measure,” Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told the Press. “It is in the interest of the national security that we defend against hackers.”

After a few seconds of the press looking incredulously at Sen. McConnell, McConnell replied quietly, “Look, the guy’s a freaking maniac, we’re just trying to do what we can, alright.”

Any attempt to pass the bill is likely to be vetoed by President Obama who thinks Twitter is a great communication tool for the President, adding, “We shouldn’t really need our Constitution to to tell the President of the United States to stop trolling the American people.”

By Tom Flight @tomflight ([email protected])

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Which New York Based One-Percenter Do You Want To Lead The Country?

The One Who Represents Everything Wrong With American Politics, or The One Who Represents Everything Wrong With America?

AMERICA, USA – The country is divided. So the nation agreed an election between two historically unpopular candidates would be the best way to sort this great nation we call America the heck out.

And nothing gets American to the polls quite like a race between two hated candidates.

But American’s are encouraged to keep perspective and a sense of history whatever the outcome. Either candidates, should they be the winner, are destined to be hopelessly unpopular one-term candidates. This means we only have to wait 4 years for President Kanye to save us.

 Remember that whatever happens we will all still have a country in four years.

 #GBA

Written by Tom Flight (@tomflight)

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Area Man Just Absolutely Loves Hillary And Trump Equally

ROCHESTER, NY – Many have been calling this election a choice between the worst of two evils. But not for Simon Rayburn of Rochester, NY.

“I just love both candidates so much, I’m having a devil of a time choosing,” said Rayburn, who works in sales for a printing company. “Build the wall? Yes please. Expand Obamacare? Um…hell yeah. Can’t we just have both candidates and they work kind of like a tag team? That would be absolutely awesome!”

“Best election ever!” said Rayburn on his way into the voting booth.

Of course Rayburn votes in the strong Blue state of New York, so his vote is absolutely meaningless.

Written by Tom Flight (@tomflight)

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“Sexual assault allegations are outright lies!” Says Man Who Bragged About Sexually Assaulting Women

FLORIDA – Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has emphatically denied allegations today that he sexually assaulted women. Mr. Trump has attacked news organizations and Hillary Clinton’s campaign as perpetuating the claims.

“These claims are all fabricated. They’re pure fiction and they’re outright lies,” Mr. Trump told supporters at West Palm Beach, Florida.

The most damning piece of evidence as to whether Trump has sexually assaulted women is the 2005 Access Hollywood video tape of Trump boasting, to Z-list celebrity weasel Billy Bush, that he enjoyed sexually assaulting women.

When the tape was made public Trump described the video as mere “Locker Room Banter.” Many, including top sports stars, gave ben quick to argue that his comments could not be further from typical locker room conversation.

“That’s not banter,” said Tom Hanks, Hollywood actor and well known banter merchant. “That’s not even Shanter (Shit banter).”

Most of Trump’s supporters, however, have not been put off their candidate by information that Trump has lived his life as a proud groper. Future Bible villain Jerry Falwell Jnr. claims he has evidence that will prove Trump’s accusers are lying. “I have a whole box of emails proving Donald is innocent,” said the morally pernicious Falwell Jnr., making things up like he does for a living.

The question remains what is more disturbing? That Trump’s supporters actually believe that Trump has never sexually abused women? Or that they don’t care that he is a abuser of women?

By Tom Flight @tomflight

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