Pizza
Bullying. That's what this is about.
Let me begin with some background info for you all. My childhood wasn't the best, it was actually something I try to forget. I never let on that it was something terrible, I just pretended it was all a dream. I went to school during the day, not making a peep in class, continually making all A's, ballet in the afternoon, then home to deal with very private, awful things.
While I was attending school, I became bullied. I was the redhead who can't tan and was in a training bra in second grade. I was chubby. I looked like no one else, in which I was constantly reminded of. I loved to draw Lola Bunny on pretty much everything. I was told that I was "fat", and a "tattle tail mommy's girl" because my mom taught second grade at the same school I attended. Any time someone made fun of me, they would snort "Oh no, Amber's gonna tell on us to her mommy!!" Everyone was getting a "boyfriend" and I was getting a Lola Bunny wrist watch.
Junior high was everything dark and terrible. The time where girls become little women was something I came to terms with way before junior high, but it was nice to hear the slip of the packing in the stalls next to me as I unwrapped mine, too. Boyfriends became more "serious", and I just became a better flautist. I began to like boys more and more, but I never had anything reciprocated. I tried. I started wearing makeup and lady spirit that had the glitter packaging. I specifically remember having my makeup pointed out by a boy that I liked that it was too dark for me and I looked stupid. The one thing that was supposed to help boys like me was only hurting me (we didn't have a local MAC counter back then!!).
High school began the era of the school uniforms. First chair flute player, show choir allstar, leading roles in the musicals, and all A's. I liked boys and yes, I'll say it, I liked some of them too hard. My childhood plays a big part of how I dealt with men because they were my only way to validate myself. I would have marching band in the mornings, skip lunch, and have show choir rehearsals in the afternoon. I became anorexic. I stopped eating because the guy I liked talked to me more when I was skinny and had my boobs out on display for the role I was playing in the musical. And then it stopped. He stopped talking to me. He was a "cool" guy and couldn't have someone so nerdy and overachieving in every aspect of the arts like me. Another guy and I started talking, but he broke it off on Valentine's day because I wasn't good enough. People would talk about me, and use my talent as a turn-off. The harder I tried to succeed, the more it hurt me. People hated me because I got the lead in the musical AGAIN, when someone cooler "totally deserved that role". I was nominated for Homecoming Queen as a joke. People laughed at me because I was never pretty enough to be one of those girls. A joke.
While it may seem that I am asking for pity and that I'm the only person who has gone through something like this, I assure you that this is nothing of the sort. This is for that girl sitting in her room crying because no one likes her. This is for the guy who is afraid to tell his parents, friends, loved ones that he is gay. This is for the redhead who is constantly burning herself in the tanning bed to be like everyone else. This is for the six year old who is barely old enough to say the alphabet who is getting molested over and over and over again by a family member. This is for you.
Most of the people from my hometown have gotten married and started to have beautiful families. I am overjoyed to see so many of these people having a happy life, despite what they did to me (and others) growing up. Bullies are also victims, too, so I choose not to stay mad at anyone. I greet my hometown friends with open arms because we all are aware that high school isn't our most mature times. God has taught me how to forgive people without having to hear an apology.
I guess the moral of this large spill of younger-Amber-angst is something you hear every single day: treat people kindly. Bullying is something I witness people of all ages participating in, so anyone can take a lesson in this. You truly don't know what a person is going through internally, and you never know when that mean comment you said could be their last straw. Many times did I consider taking my own life because it was all too much for me. But if I did, I would have never become the aunt I am today to my niece and nephew. Never could I have become the Walt Disney World cast member that thousands and thousands of children look up to when they watch their favorite mermaid. Never could I have become the representative for my Southeast region two years in a row for the Alcone theatrical hair and makeup design for the American College Theatre Festival at the Kennedy Center in Washington DC. Never could I have become a FREAKIN' MAC Artist!!!! Never could I have become Audrey, Mame, Hedy LaRue, Salome, and all the other crazy characters I have been. Never could I have become the Disney Pinup (ok ok roll with me here, people). Never could I have won a Jessica Rabbit lookalike contest by a landslide on Facebook (because this is a huge lifetime achievement, FYI). Never could I have gone on to see that being a redhead is something beautiful, unique, sexy, and inspiring. Never could I have gone on to see that God has SO much more in His plans for me. I am so glad I never ended my life on those nights when it just became too much.
So with that, I *chink* this slice of pizza against my computer screen in hopes that the poor soul who is still reading this finds a new hope in life, a little spring in your step, and a new way to treat the people you're now worried about.
