The Enigmatic Mind's Corner of Epic Randomness!

Welcome to the blog of the "Nothing" man with random doodle images, epic music audios/videos of my choice and reblogging cool stuff. This is the blog where I can let loose and post whatever I want...

[theenigmaticmind]

You know that depressing feeling that goes right down to the pit if your stomach?

Yeah that's me right now.

I don't deserve friends...

I don't deserve love...

I don't deserve anything...

I'm a fraud...a blundersome fool...

A nothing...a nobody...a husk...

Don't worry... I'll crawl into my dank rotten hole from where I came from and get out of your sight...

I'm not even a worm...

I'm a maggot.

Nobody likes maggots.

That's fine...hate me all you want...

I give up...I don't care anymore.

[theenigmaticmind]

Can my job not change the fucking rules on me or go against my contract with the business everytime I start to feel comfortable with how things are going?

Just once I'd like to work in a business I know I can do and do well without someone fucking it up for me, without changing the things that were working just fine and not having to fix what wasn't broken! Fuck, I'm not even the problem in the business and somehow I got roped into getting involved in something that isn't even part of my job, but now the situation calls for me to do said tasks that weren't previously involved in my position and now I have no time to finish what my primary job ! What the actual rotten FUCK!

Goddammit, I'm so fucking tired of this!!!! Can the forces in charge of this disgusting, evil, unloving planet JUST LEAVE ME THE EVER-LOVING FUCK ALONE?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

[theenigmaticmind]

God I suck at conversing with people...

2 days. New record. It only took 2 days to make a friend and then lose them over my stupid overanxious self.

Fuck I’m a terrible person.

Why can’t I just do things and talk normally to people without fear of fucking up?

And then my fear of fucking up becomes too much and they leave me for just being too careful.

Thanks dad for this crippling severe anxiety. It’s good to know that I can’t be a normal human being to others without fear of being an absolute vanilla basketcase because your punishments for doing something wrong included being beaten and demanding I say sorry over and over, while I’m pleading for forgiveness and bawling my eyes out.

And now finding and keeping friends has always been at arm’s length because of this fact, because when I start being honest and anxiety kicks in, I cover it up, because I don’t want anyone to hear about it

My life really fucking sucks.

Really...

[theenigmaticmind]

I'll never succeed...I'll never make my goals. Let's just be real here. It's not the case that I don't have the want to do it, it's that life doesn't want me to succeed. Every push I've made that would benefit my success has always failed. So why fucking bother. Everyone else in this world who isn't a Christian and works their asses off and is of a different race, religion, sexual orientation, etc., gets whatever they want and have success. And what do I get? This straight, caucasian, Christian boy who works his ass off, loving and respecting everyone and everything... A lump of shit, the shortest straw, the one who is always ignored. My dad always told me that those who do things without involving God end up going nowhere. That's bullshit. Straight up bullshit. Markiplier, who was a Christian, and is now pretty much an Agnostic Athiest, along with 99.9% of YouTube now for some fucking reason, is getting more success then any other God-fearing person I know... I swear I am the Job (from the Bible) of this generation; the Charlie Brown of YouTube. I will never succeed no matter how hard I try and how much effort I put into the things I do. I feel like I need a Spiritual break and just separate myself from any faith or religion right now...to not think so much and just do what I want to do without fear of consequence. Like...enough is enough. This isn't fucking fair anymore.

[theenigmaticmind]

Welp... there goes another hopeful chance of me getting anywhere doing what I want to do with my life...

I get a job doing some Voice Acting and get paid for it...

A week later they're shutting down.

Great, wonderful, another moment of cursed luck for good ol' me.

It's happened every. Single. Fucking. Time. Where joining something I'll do great in and have fun, and then end up where outside forces fuck everything up soon after and then the business closes down or I end up losing my job I have no control over.

This is the 10th time so far... and I'm getting very...very...VERY...VEEEEEEEEEEEEERY tired of it.

Fuck this life and it's extreme favoritism bullshit where only those chosen by some higher force will get all that they want and have no problem getting it.

I've just about given up...

[theenigmaticmind]

You know what the worst thing was about my birthday? None of my family celebrated it with me this year. Everyone, who lives right around the corner from me, was either working, dealing with their own troubles, or dealt with relationship issues. They all got to celebrate their own days of birth, but I ended up celebrating it on my own, alone. Boy, I'm such a happy guy... full of joy and inspiration to others. Too bad you can't see the water dripping down off my chin under the mask. I literally ended up eating a dessert that I bought with my own money to try and make up for that crappy day. I was Lisa Simpson at the table singing to herself while no one was there to wish her a happy birthday. Forgotten again. Love this life.

[theenigmaticmind]

I hate the fact that my birthday is a day of sadness for all around the world.

I swear I’m going to bring the end of the world somehow, someway, and I can’t do anything about it.

A sealed fate I can’t escape from.

[theenigmaticmind]

Birthday is coming up again... 33 years of age. Hm... Time to blow out one more candle again; another year come and gone. My silent life. My quiet life. My lonely life... 33 years of it. Just when will it all stop? My jar of fireflies...filled with imagination. It feels like they're going dim... like I'm almost out of energy. Happy Birthday to me... The mistake.

[theenigmaticmind]

I've been reminded why I don't open my mouth in group settings: Everything I say is juvenile and foolish. I try to be funny, but it comes out childish. I try to laugh at the humor from other people, but it feels far too high for me to grasp and understand sometimes. It's time to hide under a rock for the next 32 years. I'm um...I'm done being social. I'm done talking in a social setting. I'm just done. I'm plagued with horrifying conservatism when all I want to do is laugh and give laughter without a filter and without my brain shutting down halfway through my sentences. God I feel like I'm trapped and constantly cursed to never be understood or taken seriously. I try to talk and give an opinion on something in a social circle, but no one cares... It's time for bed...I think I'll just...live my life...working and making videos, live on my own and shut out the world. My biggest fear is that how can I even attempt to have a girlfriend if I can't even make her laugh, let alone happy? ...funny that I say that since I still believe I'm gonna be alone all of my life, living as God's mistake. I'll keep walking down this lonely road, the only one I've ever known. Fuck my life...

[theenigmaticmind]

I'm always the last one to be remembered...

And I always will be.

[theenigmaticmind]

As soon as I talk about money...

Everyone fucking leaves.

Anything that has to deal with crowdfunding or patreon or anything of the sort, they all nope the fuck out. As if everything should be given for free you know? Well guess what, sometimes that just isn’t a thing. Get over it.

Besides, all I asked for was a dollar a month to pledge.

........................................

I’m also getting the overwhelming sense that my channel is dying...

And not because of the fact that I’m not posting anything on there no, because I’ve been more active on there then usual...

It’s that I’m not as relevant as I was a year ago and no one wants to watch some old fart like me who isn’t as edgy as most YouTubers.

I just...wanna play a game and share it. Do I need to involve all the stupid gimmicks and memes?

Come on, man...

[theenigmaticmind]

And now I found out the person who got the VA job was just before me one day ago and supposedly the deadline was that day without me knowing.

Late to the party again...story of my life.

[theenigmaticmind]

Sometimes I wonder...

I wonder what it would be like to be noticed…

I wonder what it would be like to achieve your dreams without taking another piece of your soul away from it…

I wonder what it’s like to be able to just record something with your voice and people would just instantly take you in, no problem…

I wonder what success is like when you work so hard that you get a piece of paper for proof and get the jobs that you strive for, yet you’re an old farting goat that no one wants anything to do with…

I wonder what living is like…

I wonder what it’s like to be alive…

I wonder what it’s like to be happy, to be joyful, to find meaning…

I wonder what it’s like to finally get to that stage where you don’t have to do any more tedious amounts of useless reading and baggage just to be accepted as an actor…

I thought having a degree was enough.

I thought having that talent that everyone loves listening to was going to help achieve my dreams.

Boy, was I fucking wrong.

Guess I’ll just go to bed early and end this fucking depressing day of rejection.

I love feeling like no one wants me.

Goddammit.

Loneliness…why do you constantly have to ruin my life…?

[theenigmaticmind]

So not only am I going to die alone, but I have to sit through garbage after garbage after thick layers of disgusting garbage of people who just want to promote hatred, death, destruction, segregation, madness, and sadness... Why can't the world just end...?

[theenigmaticmind]

I honestly thought I had a chance...

There’s this very sweet asian girl that I’ve known for a while, knows perfect english, and we’ve kicked it off as friends, me giving her compliments and heart felt sayings like how cute she is and how awesome her voice is for VA work. She tells me that she likes the compliments and that if I continue I’d embarrass her but she likes them anyway. I’ve been ridiculously sweet to her because she honestly looks like someone I’d go on a date with, and she was being ridiculously sweet to me. I thought about her and I, and I’d be so so happy to be with her...

then I look at her twitter and find out she has a boyfriend...whom she loves dearly...

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of course she does...

of course she fucking does...

OF COURSE SHE FUCKING DOES...

OF COURSE SHE FUCKING DOES!!!!!!

FUCK MY GODDAMN LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JUST FUCKING KILL ME AND END EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

...

...I hate it.

...I hate being lonely

...I hate being alone...

...I hate being depressed...

...I hate being the only one...

...I swear I’m going to fucking die of old age and never be loved...

...And what will be there after I die?

...Nothing but a blank white universe with just a floor to walk and wallow on...

...I’ll be alone forever even in the afterlife...it’s just my destiny...

...one of life’s cruel jokes...

...fuck.

[theenigmaticmind]

I know I shouldn't be envious...it's wrong, again I know...it is wrong...but goddammit it's really hard not to be regarding how my life has been lately...especially when this has just happened now:

So to set this up: I lost my job on the 14th of January, I'm dropping resumes left and right, every single day, mostly online because businesses do not accept resumes in person. I've been doing this for 11 days straight now...no luck.

My roommate lost her job last Friday, started putting in resumes on Monday and got a job today.

Wonderful...

Peachy...

Isn't it great...?

It's so awesome how she can get whatever she wants without trying in no time flat: first a boyfriend, and now a job.

You look at me and it's like pulling teeth to even get an employer to look at my resume, full of work experience that expands from being a small item stocker to a full fledged Store Manager...but NOPE... I'm underqualified, or worse, I'm overqualified~~~!!!

Male, 32 years of age, University Degree, SHOULD BE LIVING MY DREAM, but now I'm unemployed, dropping hundreds of resumes to businesses that need what I can give them because I have the experience, but alas, no phone call, no email, no nothing...all while HOPING that Service Canada will accept my EI claim...

......

Nothing's fun anymore. My passions are dying because no one will give me the time to show them what I can do.

God...I just want to kill myself and end this cursed life. What did I do wrong...where did I go wrong...?

Was it my need to find myself? Was it when I finally stood up for myself and wanted to do what I wanted to do? If so, is this my punishment for being human? Am I meant to be a Non-Playable Character force to survive in a life of fake passions and dead dreams while I watch others pursue and achieve their life goals while I just suffer in depression and accept it like a slave/prisoner? Am I just a joke? A mistake?

...yep.

Not every kind, well-natured, good person wins...some are forced to fail through life even if their intentions are pure.

I'm ugly as sin, I have no humor in me, I can't make people laugh, I'm a fake and a phony, a joke, and I have no future...

My life's a cruel joke, plain and simple.

Just let me die...I haven't changed anyone's life anyways. I wish I've never been born.

[theenigmaticmind]

I think I got blacklisted in my city here...

For theatre I mean...and I do not know why.

I wasn't even given a word of notice, or email about the new plays happening at the Shakespeare Festival this year and then found out I was given an email from them stating that I didn't get a role in any of the shows...3 days ago... in my spam folder!

Gee... thanks for letting me know when auditions were and what shows were going to be done this year, considering I ASKED AND GOT THEM TO CONFIRM TO KNOW ALL INFO IN ADVANCE LAST YEAR!!!!

Did I mention how much I abhorrently hate this city...rather this province? No words can express my absolute distaste for this place; how much I detest this choking, garbage, hate-filled, arts-hating, single-minded, politically trashy, deep, dirty asshole of Canada, bent on keeping a stone-age mentality and excreting with the most judgy people who want nothing to do with the arts, but stay in their safe zones and accept the mundane, piss poor way of life which is work a measly 8-5 job and be absolutely depressed. Even to those who want the arts in this city, they are afraid of change, so they'll keep shoving the favorites in despite the fact that no one wants to see the same damn actors playing major roles again and again and again and again AND AGAIN!!!

Favoritism, lack of change, conflict of interest, and not taking risks...that's why I'm not participating in anymore plays here. It's plain as the nose on my face that this is the thing that's going on and I'm tired of it...TIRED OF IT!

All the more reason to get into voice acting so I won't have to deal with and look at those selfish, prideful, self-righteous brats from university ever again.

I'm done with this shit...I'm over it...this province can go suck a fat one because I want to get out as soon as possible. I know I have friends here but I can't stay...I'm suffocating. My luck as an employee and a hard-working one at that has been so worse for wear this past two years, it's a miracle I'm not on the streets begging for spare change thanks to employers who don't want to hire anyone during the dead season of January and February...SO THANKS MALL OWNER THAT KICKED OUT MY STORE EARLIER THEN INTENDED WITHOUT RECONCILING IT WITH ME AND THE OWNER FIRST!! FUCK YOU!!!!

.........sigh.........

Something's gotta give...and soon...I'm at my limit and don't know how much more I can take...