It feels as if my system right now is made up of only fragments. I wake up, a completely different person to who went to sleep. I go to sleep, a completely new/different person who woke up. I have no memories of yesterday or even this morning. I told my friend id remember Halloween for a month before it disappears, the memory's already gone. Everything feel fake and uncertainty is killing me. I have thoughts on my head (which I think are past alters) asking "what's happening?" And "I don't understand...."
I'm so tired of not remembering anything that happens in my life. I already cope with memory loss, I'll usually forget what I did quite a lot, it's what DID is. But what am I without a memory (of anything what's so ever) what am I without a sense of self?
We are what our past experiences have made us,, but what if I don't remember any of them?
I don't remember what happened a year ago, I don't remember where I was a month ago, and I don't remember anything that happened yesterday.
I barely remember today. Definitely not this morning.
I feel like I'm in an aliens spaceship and everything I see is a hallogram so I'm calmer when they're doing tests on me.
I know that isn't real, I know what I'm seeing is reality,, it's just,,, it doesn't feel like it at all.
I feel like I'm being ran by fragments and fragments alone. There is no true alter, there is no true subsystem at this time.
All I hear are confused uncertain thoughts in my head, sometimes terrified screaming coming from my past alters. Why is it so scary to just,, be in my head??
People tell me I should be okay with being alone. I feel like if they had to live a day in my head, where in the inner world, we can hear torturous screaming sometimes (a lot ngl) they wouldn't last.
The only reason I'm still going is so hopefully one day, my dormant/past alters can front again, and see the world is forgiving.
I'm so tired guys. I'm tired of hearing screaming.
Sorry if this is too unique of an experience...
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