Sometimes I feel like as if my enthusiasm for my corps is misinterpreted. Yes, I know I get excited about camps, I get fired up when I hear our corps song or our 2012 show, I love seeing the people and talking with them, but I don’t think anyone really understands why I’m that way.
Because those things are the reasons that everyone does drum corps.
My love for the Crossmen is so intense for a reason I think. Crossmen sort of feels like the only place in the world that is “home”.
The concept of home is such a hard one to define, but after growing more and more distant from my parents and going through a lot of stress and issues with friends in college, I honestly feel like Crossmen is my safe haven. I don’t know how to explain it to other people most of the time, so I just let them call me a bando or whatever else, but to me, my love for my corps is so much more than just that.
Crossmen is the only place where I don’t feel like a constant failure.
Real life gets pretty frustrating sometimes. Some nights I study so hard that I’m not sure how much more I can take, and then I take the test and completely bomb it. Sometimes the friendships I make result with a knife in my back. There were a few days in there where I just sort of forgot to eat. Then I go back to my hometown where my family’s at, and there’s just a lot of arguing that ensues. I don’t think anyone means for that to happen, but it’s hard to look forward to just about anything when it feels like even my family is just going to be waiting for me to slip up.
Monthly camps have kind of been getting me through this year. Being able to look forward to something, anything to keep me going, has helped me so much. When I show up to camp, or a place with Crossmen people, I immediately feel better. The people are so warm and caring and they think highly of me there. Everyone believes in each other. I don’t have to ever tell anyone that anything’s wrong, because it’s like the rest of the world completely stops existing when I’m with them.
Whenever I need anything, whether it be advice, or consoling, the first people I call are my Crossmen family. Being able to call up Tim, or go to Diego’s room, or text Caitlin or anyone else has kept me right in the pocket of “I’m okay.” When I go to rehearsal, I get to play my heart out and forget about what’s going on back home, or about how disappointed I am sometimes with myself at college. I get stronger alongside my friends, and I push myself to limits I never knew existed. I become the person I’ve lived my whole life wanting to be when I’m there.
I sit here at school, and I’m trying as hard as I can right now. Most of the time it seems like it’s just never enough. Then when I just feel like giving up and locking myself in my room and sleeping for a week, I grab the cross around my neck and remember that I’m not even doing this for me right now, that I do it for them. The mere thought of putting in maximum effort for my corps, at all times, is what pushes me most days. So I suck it up, I go to class, and count down the days until the next camp.
I hate the idea of being dramatic, and saying that this corps is all I have, but there’s so many days where I feel like that’s true.
I never expected to find home at the Crossmen. I originally intended to stay one year and move on to the next corps I had in mind. Then one day in Allentown I looked around and realized I had found all I had ever wanted right in front of me.
Our corps directors are the sweetest, most supportive people I’ve ever met. Our admin trio, Chelsea, Joel and Rico are so much fun to talk to and you can tell that they took on the jobs in the corps they did cause they care about the organization so much. Our staff pushes us past the breaking point, but they do it to make us great, but they maintain a good enough relationship with us that we can joke around and have fun with us. Our food truck/uniform/driving volunteers are saints, taking time out of their schedules to provide us with the very best services because they love us. The drum majors are some of the strongest leaders I’ve ever met in my life, and are determined to make the drum corps the best we can be. The leadership is so cohesive and encouraging. The membership is my family. They’re there for me to hold me up just like I’m there for them. They see me differently there. I’m valued as a performer, I’m valued as a leader, and most importantly, I’m valued as a person and a friend. The relationships I’ve built here are unlike any I think I’ll ever have for the rest of my life.
And our alumni are so involved and dedicated that I can’t wait to call myself an alumni of this organization someday, when I’ve got all this mess in my life all figured out and be able to say, “Yeah, Crossmen kept me going. And now I’m here, exactly where I was supposed to be, it just took some time.”
This corps is the most important anything has ever been to me. I cherish every single moment I have with them. I live for the energy I feel there, the electricity of performing, falling asleep with 150 of your best friends in a gym, baking in the sun in the long hours of the day. I long to go home because it’s the only place on this planet where I feel like I belong and where I’m successful at something. Crossmen makes me want to be a better human being, and wow, I hope someday I will be. I want to feel like I’m at Crossmen all the time. Then I think I can really be happy.
Summer please get here faster.
jbbartram-illu
tangentwithtanner
dededos
areudirty
