The Gay boy's Bible

This is an alternate blog for @breederofbetas centered around practical, real BDSM advice by a gay dominant practicing since 2011. I am happy to answer and post questions from readers so long as they're respectful. Please be detailed in your question and give me as much info as you can so I can give you the best answer I can.

[breederofbetas]

Impostor Syndrome Part 2

Impostor Syndrome and BDSM

Part 2 of 2

How I overcame the impostor within

I don’t want to call anything in this article “the answer” or “the cure”. If you have impostor syndrome the very best thing you can do is find a therapist you work well with and get treated for it. I’m going to talk about what I did to overcome impostor syndrome and hope that any of it helps others.

You’re going to need to internalize some new ways of thinking. You’re going to need to do some self-work. Without careful thought and care my words are just words. You saw in the previous article how I was able to put my internal thoughts to paper and examine them and consider their origins. Not only did I figure out where they came from, but I carefully thought about why they aren’t true. I constructed arguments in my head that satisfied me, that made ME see them as the lies they are. You’ll need to do the same because your specific fears have to be addressed in order to overcome your issues. Remember, fear lives only in unexamined places in the mind. Fear cannot stand interrogation; it counts on your discomfort to stay away and give it life. Because if you can clearly articulate a fear, you can plan the best way to overcome a threat or see how silly it is when it’s written down on paper. Examining fear is TOUGH work. You will want to give up. Don’t give up. Take it a little at a time till you beat it.

The first bit of new thinking you need to internalize applies broadly to sex and dating and it has to do with why people sleep with you. The experience of being with you is a unique experience. It cannot be replicated. It cannot be replaced. It can only be given by you. What the hell does that mean? It means when you’re reading this and you fear your boyfriend will look for a more capable dominant (I raise my hand here). He isn’t just looking for the most capable, skilled man out there when he makes decisions. He’s considering the joys, the inside jokes, the smile, the smell, the insight, the… everything that you are. It all makes up YOU, it’s why you’re intoxicating to others. It’s why being a good person and treating others with kindness and dignity is always a predictor of lasting relationships over being a beautiful vapid ass. Take some time, think about your good qualities. Give yourself ALL the credit in the world. Make a list, be egotistical if that helps you. But in the end, that list is something you need to not only believe, but you need to know it so well you could recite it by heart to others and convince them that you mean it.

This next bit of thinking is unique to the Doms out there. You need to know your source or sources of power. Your source of power is what brings submissives to you. Do men line up around the block because of your great beauty? Do you have a fucking huge dick? Do you have a mind that thinks circle around doe eyed boys? Do you have a charm about you that would make James Bond quirk an eyebrow? Are you so skilled with your body or your tools that you can reduce a boy to a quivering mass? Whatever your source or sources of power are? Don’t just say “dick”. You need to think of it in the same enticing terms above, because when you meet boys, this is what you’re whipping out to distinguish yourself. Thinking of yourself in these terms, knowing you have a secret weapon or weapons in your back pocket is going to do wonders for your self-image.

So now that we’ve changed our thinking about ourselves, it’s time to change how we think about impostor syndrome itself. I had said in the previous article that the two big contributors to impostor syndrome are self-esteem issues and self-comparison. And as you could see it is a useful framework for diagnosing the issue, but not for resolving it. Here’s a short list on how you should think about impostor syndrome when you feel it, because it’s telling you something and what it’s telling you is the question.

For illustrative purposes I’m going to briefly tell a story and tie it into the points below.  I think it was about 2012, a friend asked me if I’d go with a friend of his to a local dungeon. When I went, he got pretty drunk, turned to me, and said “Tie me to that X thingy!” (it’s called a “Saint Andrew’s Cross” by the way). Up till that point in the night a bunch of attractive men had been buying him drinks and hitting on him and I’d felt like no one noticed or cared I existed. So, I certainly wasn’t prepared or skilled enough to do much with the cross. He insisted and against my better judgement I decided to TRY. I struggled to get him tied to the cross and when I went back around in front of the cross, all the men who had been feeling him up suddenly backed away about 20 feet and formed a semi-circle. I’d barely had four subs submit to me and I had an audience of sixty men. Every guy in the club was watching. I felt terrified, I didn’t know what I was doing yet, I wasn’t ready for this. The boy I was with said “just do it.” And that’s exactly what I did. I did the best I could TERRIFIED someone in the audience would call me out for my pitiful display and humiliate me. Instead, at the end of the scene, I had gotten some friendly laughs when I cracked a joke and four submissives lined up and said “me next!”

From this story we can examine three elements of what impostor syndrome is telling us when we feel it:

“I’m out of my element.” Impostor syndrome can crop up when we’re feeling out of our element. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t skilled. What we’ve learned has abandoned us. We’re in a space and time where we can (and probably will) make some mistakes which will lead to learning and growth as a person. Being out of our element isn’t easy for anyone, but it’s also necessary to get out of our comfort zones from time to time and do something that scares us a little.

“This is a chance for me to grow” In the above story, I was confronted with a situation I’d never done before. Instead of backing out altogether. I chose to give it my best (and honestly quite meager) shot and I actually didn’t do as bad as I was afraid I would. Looking at moments where we’re not feeling secure in our skills as a way to grow as a person helps take some of the edge off of an uncomfortable situation.

“This is a chance for me to learn.” So, when I had to tie that boy to the cross? I didn’t actually know HOW to tie a boy to anything. I had no clue. I tied the knots like I would my shoes and if you couldn’t guess, it didn’t work very well. I didn’t learn to tie someone to a cross properly that night. I bungled through it till the rope was an immobile mass. I did however learn  the importance of understanding at least rudimentary bondage for moments like this (and yeah there’ve been more).

As corny as any given reader might consider it? You need to practice some self-love. You need to learn to love and appreciate yourself for who you are, for your strengths and even your frustrating flaws. You’re going to spend your entire life with yourself, the sooner you come to a place where you like yourself, the faster some really great consequences of that love will manifest. I’ve said it before, and I’ll reiterate it one last time. This is HARD WORK but it’s work worth doing.

Have a question or need a friendly ear? Ask me anything about BDSM! And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.

[breederofbetas]

Impostor Syndrome Part 1

Impostor Syndrome and BDSM

Part 1 of 2

Dissecting Impostor Syndrome

I am extremely grateful to the many people who have worked to give this concept a name and language we can all use in discussing it. Impostor syndrome can affect subs or doms, but for the purposes of this article I overcame it as a dominant and wanted to discuss it in detail from that perspective because I know other dominants struggle with this silently. Even amongst each other we don’t often discuss it.

It is always important to start by defining the topic of discussion. Impostor syndrome is a feeling that we’re in a position in life, in love, in our career, or in BDSM that we have not in fact earned and that if others found out we’d be exposed and humiliated for pretending to be someone we aren’t. 

I’d say 2017 was the last time I was feeling impostor syndrome pretty severely. I know not everyone reading this will know who I am, so I’d like to discuss my background and bonafides not as ego on my part but so that you the reader can weigh that against the background thoughts in my head. At the time I’m writing this, I’m 37 (almost 38 years old). I’m a Dominant. I’ve had two mentors, one I paid for his mentorship over the course of about 8 months culminating in an in-person workshop at the end. His name is Eric Pride, he’s an excellent mentor, I strongly recommend his services if you’d like to pay for some mentorship (a simple google search will locate him as a dom out of NYC). My second mentor is the inestimable Papa Tony of San Diego. A man of heroic proportions whose physical size is only outmatched by his warm, loving heart and hearty laugh. He has had 40 years of experience with kink and he taught me a lot about BDSM, BDSM skills, and what it takes to be a good man. Papa Tony has retired from mentorship at this point in time so while I encourage you to google him as well, he is not available to assist students in need. I ran a tumblr with 35,000 followers between 2012 until the day tumblr ended. I was interviewed on a podcast called The Masocast with a wonderful submissive out of NYC. I’ve attended Mid Atlantic Leather here in DC once a year, every year it’s run since 2014. I’ve attended both Dore Alley and Folsom Street Fair and played publicly, with an audience at both. I estimate that over a hundred submissives have served me since the beginning of my BDSM career. And I still have a little bit of impostor syndrome. If you’re reading this and thinking “WOW! He’s accomplished. How can he not see it?” That’s exactly the nature of impostor syndrome. We judge ourselves more harshly than others and have difficulty stepping outside of ourselves to see what we look like to others.

So, what does my impostor syndrome look like? I’ll start that list in a moment, but I first want to state that as near as I can tell the thoughts that make up impostor syndrome stem from issues of self-esteem and self-comparison. As I spell out each issue below, I’ll make a note next to it to illustrate where it falls.

“My flogging skills are trash. I once saw a link on recon to a man ten years younger than me who was able to individually flog the petals off a rose.     And the only submissives who serve me are simply unaware there are better floggers out there.” (comparison)

“My husboy is only with me because I was his first boyfriend and his first    Dom. He never had the experience to know me from a better man. Our open relationship will inevitably lead him to find a man he’s more compatible with and then he’ll leave me for that dominant. I’ll be a failure and all my friends and submissives will pity me.” (Comparison and self-esteem)

“Even though I want to play with experienced submissives. If ever actually invite one of them over, they’ll see right through my amateur attempts at     playing a Dominant and will not only laugh their way right out of their  apartment… they’ll make sure no other submissive ever wastes their time  with me either.” (self-esteem)

“Given the great grand world of BDSM and the myriad of more accomplished Doms to play with, no submissive is ever going to choose me over a chance at fat fake over someone actually worthy of their submission.” (self-esteem plus a dash of body issues)

“Every success I have with a submissive is actually some sick trick I’m playing on him because I don’t feel like I know enough to actually BE the dominant I pretend to be. I’m constructing a house of cards that must inevitably fall apart on me in spectacular fashion.”

 So having written them down (and yeah, it’s tough knowing that will be out on the net for all to see) I’d like to actually explore some of these until I reach some true (but actually ridiculous) conclusions they point to. This list is in no particular order.

“I’m uniquely bad in some way.” This is patently ridiculous on multiple fronts. First, the chances of me being a uniquely crappy dom out of the billions of humans that exist today (not to mention those who passed already) is so small, I’d have a wildly better chance of winning the lottery. Even if I was somehow truly uniquely bad, that would in fact simply be a reason to keep at it, to learn more, seek mentors, and practice my skills. Because “bad” at something is not set in stone, that status can change just like I do.

“I’m starting from behind others.” This one is insidious because there is a bit of truth to it. My mentor Papa Tony has a 40-year lead on me. By virtue of having been born first he will always have a 40-year lead on me. But does that mean I have nothing to provide a sub? Does that mean he is the pinnacle of creation and all would rather worship him and settle for me?     Absolutely not! Men have different tastes and different needs. Setting that aside, what DOES comparing myself to Papa Tony accomplish? Does it     give me a measurable and achievable goal to act towards? Does it give me a bulleted list of quantifiably provable skills that would make me his     equal? No. It in fact provides me with nothing but bad feelings. Even if I     wanted to quantify Tony’s skills as an outside observer, there’s no way I     could know everything he’s capable of and definitely no way it would help  me.

“Others will find out I’m starting from behind and uniquely awful at being     dominant.” We’ve already disproven the first two, so what if someone were to “find out.” If my friend Andre came to me and said, “You know our  mutual friend David? I played with him as a submissive, and I discovered  he has no idea what he’s doing! He couldn’t make me feel submissive if his life depended on it! He’s the worst dom out there and I’m going to tell    everyone!” After I picked my jaw off the floor, I would a) Immediately make sure this was the full story and that Andre had not been abused or victimized, then b) immediately defend David and c) chastise the fuck out  of Andre for speaking about a fellow kinkster in this fashion over a matter of personal taste. There are real submissives out there that you can talk to who will actually tell you I’m a terrible dom. That they had a bad experience with me and think poorly of me as a result. I’ve played with men I had poor connection to, and who had in turn poor communication     skills to let me know what they needed from their dom. But I have more men here in Washington who will tell you with their full throat that I am a     GOD among men and anyone who gets extended an offer to my bedroom should take the longest tour of my sheets I offer. We’re all going to have good and bad experiences, if we behave ethically and with safety in the forefront, we have nothing to fear.

“I don’t deserve any boy’s submission.” Who decides who is worthy of     submission? Submissives do. If a submissive decides that he trusts me, I  make him horny, I’m sexy, I push his subby buttons, and signal no red flags… he’ll choose me to be his dom for at least a few hours. I don’t need to be concerned with the why. Just whether or not he gives a yes, and I’m feeling up to providing him a fun time. From here, it’s just a matter of making peace with the realities of getting rejected in our modern gay culture.

“I am scared I’ll never know when or if I’ll ever reach a point, I’m worthy     of my own title.” Writing this, I couldn’t suppress a smile. You see, part     of the actual process for me in getting through my impostor syndrome came when I was telling a submissive who asked what my experience was like. I wrote something pretty similar to the “bonafides’’ above.” I realized in the middle of writing it that in looking back at the path I have travelled, just how far I’d come. How many YEARS it had been, how much I’d learned. My mind snapped to the future, “there’s so much I don’t know.” Yep. That’s definitely true, but it’s a journey. It’s a trip that has a beginning but no end. I’ve simply put one step in front of another not realizing just how much distance is travelled. And when I looked at my own accomplishments, I felt sick to my stomach. Not because I was unworthy of them, but because in thinking of myself an impostor, I had let “me” diminish myself and accomplishments that ARE genuinely worthy.

I hope that using examples from my actual life and dissecting them in this way illustrates part of the process of understanding yourself and your unique sense of “ways in which you are an impostor”. In the next article, I’ll plan to talk about strategies and thoughts I’ve used to help curtail my own impostor.

Have a question or need a friendly ear? Ask me anything about BDSM! And please, repost my answer if you liked it so others who need to hear this can find it.

[breederofbetas]

Just out of curiosity, what do you like about being a dominant top?

Hey there,

Thanks so much for the question! I love this one.

Let's see...

1) I'm a reaction junkie. Seeing boys getting off on how they're being treated, the scenario being crafted for them, how they respond to my commands and instructions, how they quiver feeling my nails... All of that immensely adds to my experience.

2) I love being in charge. It feels incredibly right to be obeyed and listened to (usually) without question. In real life, I don't get a lot of respect out of the gate. So being able to set the terms on which others relate to me is a really nice change of pace.

3) It gets me out of my head. Going into dom headspace lets me really focus on the boy in front of me and what my body and heart wants in that moment. There is plenty of room in my head to keep track of safety, time, when the sub last had water, etc. There isn't a lot of space for the shitty stuff that happened at work or other personal woes.

4) I love connecting with my submissives and knowing them in a way most other intimate friends will never know them. I connect best with subs who are interested in having a connection. Guys who show up and just want to talk about what's hot usually lose me. I get to know some of a sub's most intimate kinks. Some subs have partners who aren't kinky and I get to know their kinky side inside and out and even their partners don't know how much they love flogging (for example).

5) The longer a sub submits to you, the more interesting things get. Over time as I earn a sub's trust and it becomes unshakable that i will do no wrong by him, I've found every one (of the admittedly handful of subs) has revealed. "Sir, I have a secret fetish I've always wanted to do but I've never been able to trust anyone enough to do it!" Some boys want to experience predicaments, others knives, others want to try a session without safe words, etc. And as a rider on this point, yes, i always carefully consider the safety of a sub as well as my ability to carry out their request. I have refused requests that were simply too dangerous.

6) I love it when subs fanboy over my scenes. With some boys I'm able to get into a place with them where they feel comfortable giving feedback and when that happens I make a point of asking about various dimensions of the scene. I've had a few subs who took the opportunity for feedback to tell me how amazing it was. Comments ranging from "I can't believe that's what that feels like..." to "That was the best kink experience of my LIFE!" all the way to the simple "Could you just do that thing you do for the rest of my fucking life? I came like a fire hose."

7) I love learning about myself in the process. I know this isn't true of other doms, but BDSM has really given me a path to explore myself. My likes, dislikes, who I am, and who I want to be. Not to mention the morality of power exchange and the kinks I engage with. My personal growth has been extraordinary thanks to kink and idle shower contemplation.

8) I love passing on what I've learned. When I started in kink there was no welcoming committee. There wasn't anyone who could guide me. No one to help me sort the fantasy from the actuality and there are signs of that ALL over tumblr and the internet as a whole. That missing welcome wagon also made my kink feel like less of a community and more of an identity. Something else sorely lacking (although I blame that one more on the tumblr purge than much else).

I don't think there's anything that I could be offered to give up being a dominant top. It's one of the things about me I most enjoy. I hope I always do.

If you have a question about BDSM, scenes, terms, how to treat subs, etc. Ask me anything. I've had a decade of experience, 2 mentors, and this long successful blog. I'm qualified.

If you liked what I wrote, please consider reposting this, it helps new people see the blog who may need questions answered about BDSM. I appreciate it.

[thegayboybible]

Hello Sir, thanks once again for your sage advice and patience. As I re-read my questions, I noticed in my haste that I dropped a few words here and there and can see why you would be confused. What I was getting at was, I find it difficult being a sub to an Alpha that’s a lot younger than me because I find the Fatherly/mentor aspect of bdsm to be the most gratifying for me and if my mind goes to “what’s he even talking about, I was already out of high school when this moron was born”mentality, it’s over for me. Kind of like what you touched on with the super attractive boy that you had a mental block and consequently had a difficult erection issue. I think what I was saying, I clearly am attracted to Alphas that are older than myself and probably ought to stick with this sort of relationship. You’re correct however in your assessment that “I’m too much in my own head”, it’s a difficult problem to overcome, a neurotic mind that is always questioning?

Hello again boy,

I went to start writing this and was going to say "why hadn't you mentioned why you want to serve a younger dom?" but I happened to be talking to my mentor and he pointed out that in all likelihood you may simply be looking to serve and that as a sub you are probably trying to work with the doms that come along. As a result, this response will be more about trying to make the most of dominants that come your way that you find otherwise acceptable work for you. And I'm so glad he pointed that out because I think I have some better suggestions this time around as a result.

Issue: "...if my mind goes to 'what’s he even talking about, I was already out of high school when this moron was born' mentality, it’s over for me."

Answer: I absolutely get where you're coming from with this. I actually have a few different responses, first, I want to acknowledge this sounds like a gut response that you have sometimes to a dominant and you might not have control over that. A gut reaction might not be avoidable, and if it's not avoidable don't beat yourself up too much.

I think that this reaction might be coming up because you’re playing with the doms too early. As a result, you’re maybe not feeling a deep enough subspace with this dom that you are more thoughtful than reactive. From what I know of subspace when you're feeling it, you have a hard time thinking about much beyond the present and the experience you're receiving.

Suggestion 1 - Tell younger doms to slow down with sex. As gay men, I bet we've all had the feeling that some men expect us to go from 0-100 in the time it takes to open the goddamn front door. I've known men who literally stroke themselves to erection timing when people arrive so they can invite them in at full mast and get to fucking in about a minute. While I get that there are gay men that do and enjoy that experience, the truth is our bodies aren't actually made for "snap your fingers and I’m ready to fuck". I've found it helpful to make sure that the build up to sex is slower and more deliberate as it helps everyone get comfortable with new kinky partners. For myself, I like to press down HARD on guy's kink buttons and tease them for a while before getting into sex or harder play. In bed I usually spend an average of about 2 hours from entry to the apartment to post orgasm cuddling and everyone's putting on clothes.

The key thing to communicate is that you want to have sex, you just want to stretch it out so you can get comfortable and into subspace.

Suggestion 2 – Prioritize the connection with your would-be dominant. If you respect your dominant, it's clear he has a good head on his shoulders, he's pushing the right kink buttons for you, and you're feeling submissive to him... I think that experience will help keep you out of your head. If he's taking the time to help you feel that you're ready to submit to him rather than demanding you submit that’s going to be a good sign.

If you have someone where you genuinely feel comfortable submitting with you’re probably also going to find it easier to give him a break if he missteps while trying to be sexy.

Suggestion 3 – “Veto”. So, one of the safewords I play with, with all my subs is “veto”. We WANT to say things that are going to make you hard and squirm but even when we talk with subs in advance sometimes things just land wrong. Veto gives a sub the power to simply hand wave away a word or concept that was just used so a dom knows not to go there again. All you have to do is say “veto: [insert objectionable content]”. I insert this into every play session just to help subs feel like they have an extra safety measure. When the safeword is used, the dom simply acknowledges it and continues with the scene so subs don’t have to feel like action comes to a screeching halt. This way at least if a dom says something that riles you up, you’ll be able to give feedback and perhaps getting it out of your system can help you return to your submission if he acts quickly.

If the dom is saying something that finds yourself getting agitated, communicate that with veto and what he said and do your best to keep your head in the moment. It doesn’t need to be talked about right then and that kind of feedback from subs can be rare so I hope the doms you serve appreciate it.

Additional commentary: This part is mostly going to be for any doms that are reading. I want to talk about two quick ways you can help yourself connect with a sub and a sub connect with his subspace.

Lead and follow - This is a technique that allows you to very gently help a submissive synchronize with you. DO NOT fuck with your sub during this time, it is important that this be taken seriously and be about synchronizing the two of you. There will be time to mess with him later if that’s your thing. This will be done right after you get naked but before play or foreplay happens. Both of you are nude. Put your right hand on your sub’s left shoulder. Instruct the sub to do the same with his right hand and your left shoulder. Tell the sub to close his eyes. The first part, is instruct the submissive to synchronize his breathing with your own. Model a slow steady breath for your sub. After 10 seconds of synchronized breathing, instruct your sub that he is to mirror your movements across his body on yours. You then want to gently move fingers lightly across the skin. DO NOT immediately go for nipples or the dick and balls. Instead, play across the chest, the arms, and lightly trace gentle, slow, simple patterns. After about a minute you can very lightly touch your subs nipples or briefly interact with his dick. Part of why this works so well is it’s easy for a sub to focus on the movements and mirroring them as best he can because no leaning, or movement is required beyond a single arm. When you’re doing tell the sub he can open his eyes and ask how he’s feeling. “calm” or “calmer” should be the answer.

Tasks for subs - Papa Tony told me that his preferred method is to make his subs responsible for setting up as he instructs. He often leaves them to the task and waits for them to call him when it’s done. He told me that part of the purpose behind setting up the scene is a few dimensions. A submissive WANTS to be told “ok now you can be my slutty little pig” and so setting up helps a submissive get to experience the toys and furniture involved in play and anticipate that he will soon get to be subject to his dom’s will. The quiet time to think and be in the space of performing the task with the intent of pleasing the returning dom that all is as he wants it can also help a sub enter subspace more slowly.

Statement: “You’re correct however in your assessment that ‘I’m too much in my own head’, it’s a difficult problem to overcome, a neurotic mind that is always questioning “

Response: Yes, it’s something we share in common boy. I’m fairly neurotic myself. My own experience has been that slowing down the experience across talking to a sub, having the sub come over, warming the sub up, foreplay, sex, aftercare/cuddling, and clothes on and heading home leads to much more frequently good experiences. I’ve also definitely had experiences where once I got in my head, there was no escaping and I literally ruined my own good time. Give yourself a pass on those times, because not doing so is only going to compound the problem. Comfort is the only thing I’ve found that soothes a neurotic mind. When I know before he comes over, that I’m about to have a fantastic time and it’s just nice and easy? That’s when my neurotic thinking is nowhere in sight.

Unsure what makes a dom worth your time? Is something about the sub you’re talking to just a bit off? Need some advice? Ask me anything about BDSM!

If you like what I wrote and the advice I gave, please consider reblogging it so others in need of help can find me.

[thegayboybible]

My question is: I’m a beta boi or bottom, I’m finding myself getting a little older (42) and am wondering if could get involved with a younger Alpha considering I’ve always been involved with Older, experienced and more verbally dominant men. I don’t know the answer but I’m thinking there’s some sort of issue in my mind that’s not allowing me to get into the correct “headspace “ I need to be in. Difficult at best to give my all and get lost in the servitude, submission and simplicitic beauty of serving my Domme?

Hi there beta boi,

Thanks for the question. I found this just a bit hard to follow so I’m going to break it out piece by piece to answer it.

Part 1: "I’m a beta boi or bottom, I’m finding myself getting a little older (42) and am wondering if could get involved with a younger Alpha considering I’ve always been involved with Older, experienced and more verbally dominant men."

Answer: This may have just been an oversight on your part, but I wasn't clear on why you want to sleep with younger men. As it's written it sounds like you're trying it for the sake of trying it? If so, kudos! We should all be so open minded. But also, if that's really the case, maybe you should assemble your thoughts on a paper as to what you're hoping to get out of the experience? If you have thought through your hopes for what you'll find in a younger dominant that you aren't getting from your typically older play partners, it'll be easier to know if you've found the experience you're looking for. If one young dom doesn't satisfy what you're hoping to experience, perhaps the next will. It is possible however, that there's some expectation you have of younger dominants they're not suited to provide. Think through whatever your goal is with them and make sure it's something you can expect with someone who's been at it for 2-3 years. I have a feeling that you already know what it is you want out of it, but that in writing the question you simply forgot to mention it.

Part 2: "I don’t know the answer but I’m thinking there’s some sort of issue in my mind that’s not allowing me to get into the correct “headspace “I need to be in."

Answer: Submission and dominance is all about headspace. In fact, I can't even do my best work when I’m playing with someone I don't find attractive. I think it would be really easy to understand if you weren't attracted to younger doms and that made it difficult to serve one of them, but I can't imagine why you'd want to serve someone you don't find attractive. Why DO you want to serve a younger dom? Unfortunately, there's not a lot of info to go on above that gives me a clue so that I can shine the light on your issue for you. I'd recommend stream of consciousness journaling. You grab a pen or keyboard and just write every single thought that comes through your head. Once you get into the flow of writing try to introduce the issue of serving a younger dom to your mind and write. You might not just think of and write down the answer, but when you finish. Save it. Walk away for 2-3 days. Then sit down again and read the part referring to younger doms and see if you can't see anything in your own writing that gives you a clue to what's going on in your subconscious. I thought of some other questions to introduce in your writing that might help: What would it feel like to serve a younger dom? What do I feel about the bodies of younger doms? What is the most erotic thing about a younger dom? What are the least erotic things about younger doms? What's the one thing I would want to change to make this work?

Part 3: "Difficult at best to give my all and get lost in the servitude, submission and simplistic beauty of serving my Domme?"

Answer: Did you know Domme is how one refers to a female dominant? It confused the hell out of me when I read it. A fair bit of BDSM is figuring out how to let go when you're a submissive. Some subs have an easier time than others doing it and the more I read a lot of this, it sounds like you're in your head too much. Depending on how much experience you have with BDSM you may already know some techniques to do when this starts happening to you. If you don't know any techniques, I have some suggestions. In situations in the past where I’ve been fixated on the wrong aspect of what's going on, I try to keep redirecting my thoughts to another train of thought as many times as it takes to make that successful. It's HARD to redirect thoughts. It takes practice but if (like me) your personality tends to be more neurotic this sort of thing is worth practicing.

For example, in the past I’ve had this REALLY hot guy who came over and wanted to serve. I was so worked up about how hot he was and how I really wanted the play to go well so I could fuck his perfect little ass again that I actually flubbed the entire scene pretty badly. I was so concerned with pressuring myself I couldn't even get hard. That's a pretty serious issue for a dom top. Fortunately for me, that sub bottom is actually still in communication with me from time to time and has suggested he'd be willing to come over again. But that just means the pressure to do well when we next hook up is still there. Where I went wrong initially was spending time worrying about my performance. What I should've been more fixated on was: "He's hot, let's plan out my fantasy scenario with the ultra-hot sub down to the tiniest detail." If I’d focused on that, he probably would've had an exceedingly good time.

Got a question about dominance or submission? Seen some conflicting information you'd like sorted out for you? Ask me anything! And if you like my work, please reblog more than like so others can find my advice!

[thegayboybible]

Hello Sir,

So first off I'd like to say love the blog, an i very much appreciate you for trying to educate your following generations. So thank you for that.

So I have a bit of an odd but very honest question because I'm a bit lost as to where I fit in the dom-sub spectrum. Before that though I need to give you some information on myself. I'm 25, bottom verse, an rather fem. But when it comes to sex all of my parents (when I have one) have told me I have a dominant personality. As I like to be the one in control. I love it when I get to blindfold an tie my partner down to my bed or up against something. An then bring us both to a body trembling exctesy like orgasm.

So the question I have is, in your experience is there such a thing as being a dominant bottom verse or am I just kidding myself an just haven't found the right dom who brings out my sub side?

Hello there malelover,

Thanks so much for saying such kind things. When I first started in BDSM I didn’t find my local community super welcoming to a new dominant. I think it’s really important to be able to share what I’ve learned so that new would-be dominants can get a real taste for what BDSM is actually like to help them decide if it’s for them... and I already count you as one of us.

You’d said: “But when it comes to sex all of my partners... have told me I have a dominant personality. “One of my very big significant past boyfriends told me the exact same thing. He was the first, and he really wanted me to dominate him but at the time I was so unaware of BDSM that I had no idea how. So, it took a few more years and a few more partners before I was willing to try and explore it. “As I like to be the one in control. “But this right here is what has me so certain you’re amongst brothers, sisters, and siblings in dominance.

Question: “In your experience is there such a thing as being a dominant bottom verse”

Answer: I myself have dom bottomed. It’s absolutely a thing. The same is true for dom vers as well. In my experience, naysayers fall into a few categories: Too concerned with what porn tells them, inexperienced, or very concerned with their vision of how things “should be” and determined to make everyone else conform to it. A dominant can be just about anything he wants to be as long as he’s behaving dominantly.

Being a dominant is often about taking our pleasure from someone else’s body. I’ve certainly gotten some resistance to the idea of sub topping or dom bottoming from others. I think I have some insight that might help you show people another path. Here’s what you do, aggressively stick a finger in their chest and ask them if the following sounds dominant. “Boy, your DICK belongs to me. It fucks me when I want, how I want, as long as I want, and god help you if you cum without my permission. All of that is to ensure your dick works for MY pleasure before yours. Do a good job and I’ll be more than happy to make sure you get your one pop gun of an orgasm after I’ve had an hour and a half of good dick that I demand.” The only time I’ve ever heard a no to that kind of scenario is when someone is being intentionally contrarian.

So, what might a dom vers say? In a way that’s an even more complete possession. “Listen up boy. Head to toe you’re mine. You’ll know how I expect you to perform based on the way you’re facing when I push you into my bed. But whatever position that is, I’m in charge. I own that ass; I own that dick. Your body is my personal fleshlight with dildo combo. Do you understand? I expect a ‘Yes, Sir’!”

 Question: “Am I just kidding myself and just haven't found the right dom who brings out my sub side? “

Answer: I doubt you’re kidding yourself. It might take a little bit to acclimate to being a dom and getting used to thinking in that headspace. But I’m pretty sure if you’re getting that kind of feedback from others, dominance lives inside of you. But... just like being vers? I’d encourage you to not think about your role as a binary either. Think back to like... 2019. In the morning you’d go to the Starbucks, get yourself a morning coffee. You knew what you wanted it and you ordered it with confidence. You were dominant in the social relationship with that barista. But then after your coffee a little later in the morning your boss stops by your desk. You submitted to his/her will because that’s what a subordinate does with their boss.

When you do embrace your dominance, don’t close yourself off to the possibility of submission. If submission is within you, it makes you no less a dominant to submit to someone. I would encourage you to think of yourself as a symphony. As you explore your kink side, you will explore who you are more fully. It can sometimes feel like when guys like us had to press back against others telling us we can’t be dominants and that we’re really submissives, that actually embracing submission can feel like a betrayal to the work you’ve already done. Don’t buy into that narrative, just get to know yourself fully. It’s never a bad thing to know yourself better.

So where do you fit in the D/s spectrum? Wherever you want to. You fit, full stop. And nothing about you needs to change to fit. In fact, I assure you that if you are yourself and confident, you’ll find lots of people curious about that fem vers bottom dominant who made their buddy’s toes tingle with that orgasm they heard about last Saturday. I know it can feel like uncharted waters to step outside the traditional dynamic but our world is so much bigger and more diverse now than it ever was in the past. If tradition isn’t enough to accommodate you in all your glory? Good. Tradition be damned. Be the unique, powerful dominant YOU want to be and take no prisoners. Because the traditional Leatherman is kind of everywhere, there are a lot of imitators, myself included. But when there’s only one you? Well... everyone has to come to you to kneel to get the experience of submitting to you.

Conclusion: I hope that you found the answers to your questions up above and most importantly, a bit of confidence to do dominance your way. And when you walk into my local Eagle here in DC? I’ll be the first to smile and welcome you for a drink. If you have any other questions, whether it be for the public, or need some help one on one. Reach out I’m always happy to help.

Think being you fits into BDSM? Need some help finding your own path? Unsure how to get to the other side of your problem? Ask me anything.

[breederofbetas]

Kink mentoring archives

I continue to welcome those seeking advice, but i wanted to take a moment to share a free resource for those of you needing guidance in BDSM. This archive belongs to my mentor Papa Tony. Papa Tony is the greatest dominant I’ve ever had the pleasure to know. He is unbelievably strong, deep, with a wisdom that seems to form a horizon in front of you. Everywhere you look, he’s been. And he is one of the kindest human beings to ever grace the face of this planet. I’ve grown immeasurably thanks to his support and friendship, but the most important thing he’s taught me, is to give away knowledge. To give to the next generation of the community. Welcome them, show them the way of kindness and strength so that we ARE a COMMUNITY. And so brothers, sisters, and siblings, I welcome you. And I bring a resource that isn’t just information. I bring you a resource that is wisdom. There’s so, so much on the net, and this is the sifted gems from the silt. And if you need further wisdom? Ask me anything related to BDSM.

https://tribalvibept.blogspot.com/2018/12/updated-kink-mentoring-links.html

[breederofbetas]

What are your thoughts on raceplay? Obviously, raceplay is consensual and racism isn't, so how would someone go about navigating the thin boundary between the two? It seems as easy as just open communication and setting those boundaries but it is a touchy topic to bring up in the first place so it'd be great to know more about it.

This isn’t the first time I’ve answered on this question, but I think that an update is overdue. This is also going to be long so strap in and each section is going to talk about different angles thoughts and experiences with raceplay.

Trigger warnings: This post will contain discussions or racially motivated sexualized play. It may reference racial violence as part of historical context or for illustrative purposes. If you are not in a place to read this material, don’t. It’ll be here if you really want to read it later.

About the Author: I’m a white man in my 30s. I have engaged with raceplay with submissives (and a few dominants) of a variety of different races. Because of the demographics of the city in which i live, I’m most familiar with raceplay between white men and black men. While most of what I write will be through the lens of those two races specifically interacting, the thoughts I have on the topic have shown themselves to apply to raceplay regardless of the races of the two individuals engaging in it. I particularly fear that some white people will read this without understanding what i’m saying and use this to justify being straight up racist, but i doubt they need my personal permission to do that. It took until the death of George Floyd this past summer for me to pick up several books on race. I realized that if I cannot control others, but I can initiate change within myself. Educating myself through reading would be one step into the gateway to a needed societal change. I’d like to encourage every white person reading this to pick up books on race if you’ve never read any. Here’s a short list (more can be googled very, very easily): White Fragility (Strongly recommended first), Me and White Supremacy, Between the World and Me, So You Want to Talk About Race, How to be Anti Racist, The End of Policing, The New Jim Crow, Notes of a Native Son, and Stamped From the Beginning. If more white people like me take the time to read up on the subject the world will change for the better, it’s a tough, uncomfortable process, but that discomfort is NEEDED. I have not read all the books in my list, I do own all of them and they’re in my queue, from the first book, to “So You Want to Talk About Race” is as far as I’ve read.

Strawman Questions and Answers: 

Does the reading list that, I the author, have read through exempt me from being called racist, behaving in a racist manner, or unintentionally inflicting racism on others? Nope, I’m still learning. Racism is incredibly complex and slippery. I’ll keep educating myself and hope to be and do better as time goes on. Like any other white person, the road to hell is paved with my good but ignorant intentions.

Does the reading list above qualify me to educate you the reader? Nope. But I was asked, and what follows is my opinion. I have done raceplay and am familiar with the ins and outs. I have not had any bad reactions from my POC partners before, during, or after play.

Does it mean I won’t mess up and say something insensitive in this article? No, but I’m going to get my writing reviewed and endeavor not to embarrass myself publicly, nor do further harm opening my mouth that could’ve been saved by keeping it shut. 

Has the author engaged in raceplay? YES, I have in the past, and am open to doing so again in future. I don’t seek it out. Nor do I take up every request to do raceplay. I have to feel I have a good connection and good communication with the boy or Sir to engage in raceplay with them.

Is the author racist? No more so than any other white person out there raised in a racist society (which is to say yes, I unfortunately am and do not wish to be). I do not endeavor to make the lives of POC (People of Color for those unfamiliar with the term) harder, nor to subject them to it intentionally and apologize publicly when I’ve made missteps.

How does the author feel about POC commenting on his writing even if that commentary is negative or critical? Like most people, I want to be liked and thought well of. However, thoughtful criticism should be encouraged even if the view point dissents from my own. I won’t shy away from reblogging criticism if it’s adding to the discussion. I will not reblog criticism to the effect of “fuck you white pig.”

Why on Earth are you writing on such a controversial topic? What could you possibly hope to accomplish? I don’t think not discussing raceplay is actually helping anyone. Not discussing racism among it’s source (white people) isn’t helping deal with racism. I believe raceplay can be done without harm, and (like all kink) education on the topic is required to behave ethically and safely. I want to believe that me talking about it can help POC not be subjected to careless, thoughtless, or harmful racist acts by players who don’t know any better. If I can help set a high bar for such play with this post, maybe it will do some good.

Don’t you think raceplay is inherently racist? In the past I said no 100%. Now? I’m not entirely certain. I think of the words of James Baldwin: “What white people have to do, is try and find out in their own hearts why it was necessary to have a nigger in the first place, because I'm not a nigger, I'm a man, but if you think I'm a nigger, it means you need it.“ Those words have really stuck in my head and I have no good answer for them yet. I hope I figure out the answer some day. My gut feeling is that the answer to the question is probably that the question itself is too absolutist to arrive at the actual truth.

Some DON’Ts: Before we even touch the subject with a very literary 10-foot pole... Let’s start with some “don’ts” I consider pretty basic but aren’t fucking basic because I’ve seen men I care about subjected to them.

Don’t:

Don’t assume any person of color engages in raceplay.

Don’t engage in raceplay with unwilling participants who have not expressly given unambiguous and enthusiastic consent.

Don’t send any person of color any racial slur or epithet without first being provided their EXPRESS permission, which was sought out only after establishing that THIS person of color is in fact into raceplay.

Don’t assume that permission from one POC extends to any other person of the same, or different racial groups. You must obtain consent from each individual before using any slurs or epithets.

Don’t assume that a kinky POC is, by virtue of being kinky, into raceplay!

Don’t assume that any POC enjoys having their race referenced in relation to any part of their anatomy, for example “big black dick” is an inappropriate remark unless it’s in the user’s profile or the user specifically uses the term themselves first.

The Positive That Raceplay Has to Offer: First thing I’d like to do, is actually plug a single episode of a podcast: https://www.masocast.com/2013/04/14/mollena-williams/

Don’t worry, you won’t have to stop reading and listen to the entire thing to get the part I’m going to reference. This episode above is a discussion with Mollena Williams and it has a lot to do offer on the subject of raceplay. She shares within a fantastic story I’ve heard from another person in my life who either had a similar experience or heard on the show. In it, she actually details why she engages with raceplay and what it does for her and I want to (roughly) quote/paraphrase her: “For me raceplay is an opportunity to shrink race down and for once engage it on my terms where I’m in charge.” I think that’s quite possibly the very best reason a person could have for engaging in play. And I want to start out with it because I know there are people who are reading this and don’t get it, feel that the play itself is racist, and no good can come of it. I want a reader to be able to see SOME good in it, even if they’ve had bad experiences (even a LOT of bad experiences). I’m under no illusions that all or even most raceplay rises to that height.

Very Brief (and Incomplete) Duo of Connections Between White Supremacy and BDSM: Having done the reading I’ve done; I’ve already come to one conclusion on my own. BDSM has roots in white supremacy. If that shocks you then you probably haven’t ever thought about it before and I’d encourage you to start with the book “White Fragility”. Let’s take one of the most common power dynamics in BDSM: Sir/boy. A white man engaging in those titles with a black submissive is playing out some very old racism. If you weren’t aware, in American history, that dynamic was something white people did to belittle black men. It was a way white people threatened to assert the system of white supremacy over black men (similar to white people calling police because black people are having a barbeque in a public park in Portland). The leather subculture was heavily influenced by Tom of Finland, who’s designs captured the leather style of the Nazi soldiers of World War 2. I’m not saying Tom of Finland is a Nazi, nor that he is aggressively racist, but the Nazis sure as fuck were. And POC familiar with their history wouldn’t be unreasonable in feeling uncomfortable being around people wearing leather that bears similarities to that style or wearing that popular style of leather.

A Model For Any White Person Speaking to a Black Kinkster on the Apps to Follow: Given all that I laid out above. When you message a black kinkster, I would start with the kind of message that I usually put out there by way of an intro: “So, this is a little uncomfortable to ask, but I’m aware of ways in which BDSM has roots in white supremacy. I know for example that “Sir and boy” has historically racist connotations. As a result, I’d like to ask what kinds of titles would you feel most comfortable being called by? I only ask out of care for your comfort and to try to be more considerate in my interactions.” 

This has always gone over well with the black submissives and dominants I’ve messaged. But of course, it also has to be followed up with actual care and consideration for their comfort.

Who Should Initiate Raceplay: I fear that the safest way to engage in race play is to wait for your POC partner to ask you to do so. I say this because POC kinksters DON’T want to be asked by lots of people if they engage in race play. Lots of POC people find the mere question very hurtful and just being asked can ruin someone’s day. It is also very nerve wracking for many POC to bring up the subject of raceplay with their partners as well both fearing a bad reaction and a good reaction that leads to harmful play. As far as I have been able to think it through, even though it is a no-win scenario in terms of how to suggest people initiate the topic. However, I do think that there is a path of least harm. Given that POC can experience distress in being asked if they do race play, but white people are less likely to, I think that I have to suggest that POC need to initiate the subject of raceplay with their partners. In this way POC who don’t care for race play won’t be hurt in two people trying to make a connection on this kink. I believe the pain experienced by POC asked if they’re into raceplay is deeper and more substantial than the discomfort reactions from white people. I’ve experienced plenty of POC kinksters dropping hints that they’re into raceplay. I wouldn’t reccomend asking someone just because you think you’re getting hints. Those hints might not mean raceplay. At minimum, if you think that a POC kinkster might be trying to drop hints they’re into raceplay, wait until you’ve talked for a bit longer and know each other better before you ask. If you do ask, acknowledge you might be misunderstanding and recognize it has a possibility of becoming a blow up, and more importantly it may completely ruin someone else’s day.

Trickier Than Just Open Communication: I hate to say it anon, but “It seems as easy as just open communication and setting those boundaries” this is part true, part false. Part of where white people most commonly stumble on approaching the topic, is that they don’t realize what they’re saying/doing is racist. Furthermore, when informed that this is the case, rather than thanking a POC for illuminating a misstep so that no one else is hurt by the same action or words... white people generally deny, argue, or get angry. None of those things are helpful and often times POC will simply drop hurts because they don’t feel like trying to address it is productive. “White Fragility” will discuss this in depth and in terms I hope everyone can understand, but for the sake of brevity... white people think racism means something different than black people. White folks? (Trigger warning for POC) Racism does not mean that anything short of physically assaulting or using racial slurs violently against POC is not still racist. Racism is more subtle than that. (End of trigger warning) In short, because racism is more subtle, pervasive, and people often don’t realize they’re doing it... that all combines together to make “open honest communication” far more difficult because often times white people aren’t on the same level of understanding as their POC partners.

On the other hand: Here’s where you’re not wrong anon: Just because racism is very difficult to navigate doesn’t mean that careful and thoughtful communication expressed with respect for your POC partner won’t help you navigate raceplay. So, let’s say that you’re white (I have to write what I know) and your partner is a black submissive. He’s expressed to you an interest in raceplay. The first thing you should do is as the anon said “establish boundaries”. For example: “What names are ok to call you? What aren’t?” and “Are there any subjects I shouldn’t cover during play? For example, I had a submissive tell me never to insult his intelligence during play. Does anything like that spring to mind for you?” Recognize that even in asking questions and setting boundaries issues can still occur. Sometimes the person you’re playing with may get caught off guard by something said in the scene that they either never thought to warn you away from or had never heard or thought of prior to now and it turns out to be unsexy. I recommend that for any kink play that we make use of a safeword for verbal play. I use “Veto”. I tell my submissives if I say anything that makes them uncomfortable or is hurtful and they don’t want to hear it again, they can say “Veto: bitch” and I’ll no longer say “bitch”. 

Clarifying Boundaries and Getting Started: One of the things that subs will do that makes me not want to play with them is tell me they’ll do anything. There are men out there who have hugely broad ranges of interest and they mean it, but when I drill down, I often find that it just means a submissive doesn’t know his boundaries. When it comes to raceplay it’s better to be specific. If either party is just beginning to explore raceplay and doesn’t know their boundaries, that’s ok. Ask or offer a starting point. Go slowly, play for a few minutes, and check in. After a little while you’ll both gain some comfort with one another and can go from there. Aside from “Veto” I recommend the common safewords “yellow” (I like what you’re doing, but slow down), and “red” (I don’t like this stop the scene immediately and free me if I’m bound) because tiered safewords means you don’t have to interrupt a scene to clarify if someone needs to stop. If they do need to stop, they’ll say red and if they haven’t said it, the scene can continue.

Aftercare: I strongly recommend aftercare for any race play scene if you and your partner are new to one another. If you and your partner are exploring well known territory before in the scene you just had, aftercare should still be offered, but if refused it’s ok to skip aftercare for that session. Be certain to listen if any criticisms or requests are asked and repeat them back to the speaker to ensure that you understand. If it becomes clear you’re not understanding, try to do some research on your own to see if you can bridge the gap in understanding. A lot of POC have written information available online that might help you understand where you’re misunderstanding. Please only resort to asking for an explanation if you have searched pretty extensively and are lost. 

Make sure to include lots of cuddling and tenderness if your partner is open to that. After care should include these things because that intimacy and tenderness can help both parties create a more solid line between “we do this play together because it is sexy and enjoyable for both parties” and “does he really think those things about me?”

Final thoughts: I’m not here to judge or decree raceplay to be right or to be wrong. Doing so certainly won’t stop it from happening nor will it cause it to blossom and grow more common. Given how tricky it is to navigate, I sincerely hope I’ve conveyed how careful and gentle one needs to be with the topic. Everyone is different and raceplay is unique to each individual, which means words or scenes that are ok with one partner may not be ok with another. I want this response to serve to help educate people on how to play responsibly and take their POC partner’s needs seriously. I do not want it to serve as yet another in the long series of racist bombardments POC suffer on a day-to-day basis. Be good to each other. And for fucks sake, read and learn what it MEANS to be good to each other.

Got a kink related question? Need to know the best way to handle a boy? Got a Sir whose behavior bothers you? Ask me anything.

[thegayboybible]

Thank you for your detailed and thoughtful answer. It was very helpful to me to see the distinction between humiliation (embarrassment) and degradation (being placed in an inferior position) and to take in all you have said. Introducing me to the concept of “transgression” was helpful though I have yet to fully process it for myself.

It seem such good advice to discuss kinks with a Dom you trust explore deeper even hidden impulses and in new possibilities. I think for a sub this would be unburdening and for a Dom it would provide a means to assert control.

I understand this would have to occur in the context of consent. On that subject let me say, as a sub, I find myself consenting to things I would prefer not to do but agree because a more dominant person desires it. However, having consented, I am willing to own it and take some satisfaction from having given something that another desires.

It takes awhile of both thinking it through, and experiencing it for yourself to get a good grasp not just on the topics and their meaning but how they apply to you and how you experience them.

Unfortunately not every dominant is worth discussing or engaging with. Some dominants are only out for themselves or use BDSM as a mask to commit sexual assaults. But if you find a thoughtful dominant who has ideas that engage you that person is a worthwhile man to discuss your interests with. Subs can experience catharsis in experiencing humiliation or degradation because sometimes those negative thoughts floating around in their head get worked out through play. For dominants the pay off is primarily psychological although given that you might have a hard dick afterwards there’s a physical component as well ;).

Consent can always be withdrawn. If a sub is considering stepping into a space and doing something he’s never done before, he should consider how long he’s known a dominant, how much he trusts this person, and discuss what needs to happen if the sub doesn’t enjoy it or it’s too intense so the submissive can step away.

I’m happy you’ve found my writing thought provoking. I welcome more questions from other readers if they need advice. But if you enjoy what i do, the best thing you can do for me is reblog my work. That’s how i get seen by other users who might need my advice.

[thegayboybible]

Thank you for your explanation of terms and meanings. I can see that words can mean different things to different people and so it is important for both submissive and dominants to talk about what particular words mean to them. It is valuable to have a vocabulary can use and agree on.

From your description I have come to the understanding that I would be a beta by your definition. “I submit because I am strong, not because I am weak.”

The word “humiliation” is a puzzle to me. I guess is has its root in “humble” and that fits with how I see myself with respect to a Dom. However, the word seems to me to have the meaning of disparagement or debasement. If a Dom wants me to do something, it gives me an opportunity to express my nature and, if it pleases him, it fulfills me. But it seem to have to connotation of being forced to do something that is purposefully belittling. Have you any thoughts?

Hey there!

Thanks for the question. I’m so glad I get to answer more of these!

First, I’m so glad that you understood the intent in my post. I’ve already heard from experienced submissives missing the point entirely which is... aggravating. But I hope anyone who misunderstood the original message reads your first paragraph here in case it better explains what I had been trying to convey. Regardless, let’s answer your question but I’m going to put in some background first because if it isn’t helpful for you, it could be helpful for others. I’ve given each section headers so you can see where each topic begins and ends, but if it’s too much to read, feel free to skip straight to TLDR; for your answer.

Defining terms - Just in case we need to toss this in here, let’s start with a quick definition of humiliation vs degradation. They often overlap a bit, and I’ve seen kinksters use them interchangeably when they don’t quite mean the same thing.

• Humiliation - “I find what you’re doing embarrassing to me, and feeling the exposure of embarrassment in this way is sexual for me.”

• Degradation - “I get off on feeling like I’m less than or less of a person because of what my dominant does, or how he makes me feel.”

What if I don’t find humiliation sexy? - You may be sitting there and saying “But that’s not sexy.” Fair. For you it’s not sexy, but for others, that is what’s sexy about it. It’s ok not to find everything sexy as long as you don’t make anyone feel shitty about their kink. In fact, I’d actively encourage you to talk to people with kinks you don’t like and ask if they’d explain what makes it sexy for them. I wasn’t into flogging or pain play until I talked to someone in a dungeon about what the appeal was. Even if you still don’t find that play sexy, talking to someone who loves it is probably the best chance you’ll have at discovering a new side to yourself. Almost all kinks have a variety of flavor specific to an individual, so as a dominant part of my exploration of whether a submissive is a good fit for me is asking that person to talk about their kinks and what about them is sexy for that person. As a result, I have a lot of anecdotal tales around different ways kink is expressed in different people.

Intro to transgression and societal transgression - Your confusion actually seems to be right on point in terms of understanding humiliation. I think your primary confusion is that you don’t understand why it’s arousing to others because it’s not arousing to you. Humiliation is a belittling sort of play and intentionally so, that’s where the arousal comes from! I think one of the important aspects of sexual arousal to understand is transgression. People often find that they have sexual feelings about things they profess to hate or dislike expressed in masturbation. Transgression can be against society, for example, sex in public is transgressing against society because it is illegal and people could have strong reactions of shock if they caught someone having sex in public. For this hypothetical person, the risk of getting caught and the potential negative reaction add a big sexual charge for them. 

Transgression against the self - Transgression against the self is often much more taboo and much more personal. Transgression against the self tends to have more roots in degradation than humiliation. Here’s a couple of examples of kinks I’ve seen in my journey through the tumblr and bdsmlr space that transgress against the self (and sometimes society): political play (someone expressing what they consider taboo political thoughts and sexualizing it), race play (someone expressing taboo thoughts around race and getting a sexual charge from it), or gender roles roleplay (playing out misogynistic   roles between genders for sexual gratification). I chose particularly taboo fetishes to really illustrate the nature of personal transgression. There likely are democrats out there who really believe that republicans are doing a lot of awful things to the country and sexually play out fantasies of losing control of the country to their political opponents. There are men of all colors that have had awful experiences of race, yet still find sexual satisfaction from it behind the bedroom doors but still take to the streets to fight injustices against their community. There are feminists out there who sexually enjoy the idea of being treated poorly by a misogynist man that would never express it outside of the bedroom. All of those people have in common strong personal beliefs or ethical codes outside of the bedroom that inside the bedroom they play out. In fact, there’s an extent to which the roles and kinks described above are a caricature of how they imagine people who actually believe in conservative values, misogyny, and racist attitudes towards POC. Often the role of sexual transgression against the self, is one of catharsis. Getting to control an experience they have in the world that’s negative and use it for sexual gratification for a short time can purge the buildup of negativity before delving into the outside world.

TLDR; Referencing your original observation: “However, the word seems to me to have the meaning of disparagement or debasement.” Humiliation as defined earlier does have an embarrassment aspect to it. You are also correct that it can be something that the submissive finds embarrassing such as “men who dress in women’s clothes” because they find it humiliating to do so. You’re also not wrong that subs and doms play with the idea that the sub is forced to do it by the dom, but the truth is if humiliation for “being dressed up in women’s clothing” is your kink? There’s little to no “force” actually involved. Just the play of “force”. Any kink or BDSM play has to be consensual or it’s rape, so always understand that underlying principle when you see play that looks particularly harsh. I think one of the important things to understand for yourself is that there are other betas who want to be respected for their role but that enjoy the transgression against themselves, of having just one man in the whole world they’d allow to treat them that way. If there’s any way that humiliation is likely to appeal to you, I’m betting that’s it.

Conclusion - I don’t know you at all writer, but I’m betting that your confusion around humiliation is coming from either a curiosity of “should I look into this?/why are people into this?” or maybe a “I’m into this, and it doesn’t fit my self-image.” If you’re curious about humiliation, I’d encourage you to explore it more. There’s plenty of blogs here on tumblr and bdsmlr that will be happy to explore that space for you. If you explore it and find that it’s really not for you, that’s a good thing. Knowing what you want and don’t want is really important for submissives. It helps dominants know where your boundaries lie and makes you unique as a sub. Now if you’re already found that you’re into it and having complex feelings around your need to be respected vs your need to be disrespected? That’s only natural when you have conflicting desires. If that’s something you need help with, write me back. I think I’ve rambled enough for one answer.

Need help understanding BDSM? Confused on roles, terms, or how it all works? Ask me anything!

[breederofbetas]

I am confused by the term beta. Is beta different from slave? How inferior is the beta

Hi there,

Thanks for the question. I think you might be pretty new to BDSM so, let me start by saying when it comes to identity, recognize that bdsm has an unbelievable spectrum of people within it and identity is often more complicated than a single title. Maybe all of them are part of you but some are more pronounced than others. You don’t need to adopt any of them, but at least you’ll have the language to talk about different approaches to BDSM.

A faggot, omega, or boy could all identify as a title other than the ones I use to describe them. But that’s a great conversational point. Both submissives and dominants have a duty to talk about what their title means to them, and how it is unique to them. Just because someone calls themselves an Alpha does not mean that all Alphas have the same set of traits as one another. In this way you can have a title that’s unique to you, but still lead someone to get to know you in the first few minutes of conversation.

I’ll go into some definitions below but all of the titles mentioned in this article are different flavors of submission. They are different and one should respect whatever title is given to you by a dominant or a submissive. Not respecting titles is rude and will cause you to miss out on play and deservedly so. Be aware that more experienced kinksters can tell a newbie apart from an experienced player in just a few sentences of conversation. It’s ok to be new, but listen when other kinksters who’ve been at it longer tell you how BDSM works. You’ll grow much faster.

As to the second part of your question, please also note that no submissive is inherently inferior, and there aren’t gradients of inferiority defined by a title a submissive takes on. A submissive’s inferiority is defined by the submissive himself. If he feels inferior and wants to be treated that way, he’ll tell his dominant as much. Not all submissives feel they are inferior, but all of them do feel the call to serve a dominant of whatever flavor they prefer. Make sure you take the time to get to know a boy and his kinks before treating him as an inferior or you could get a quick rebuke.

Recognize that behavior and titles are not linked. Not every submissive you meet is a boy. Not every submissive you meet is a faggot. Take a moment to get to know them a little and ask about their preferred title and use it. One of the number one ways people have accidentally pissed off @bredbeta was to refer to him as a faggot. He is a boy and despises the term faggot.

Please also note that when it comes to these definitions? These are more guides to display how a view point a submissive has on his submission is what’s important. There IS NO one universal definition for these terms in the BDSM culture and many people will give you slightly different definitions.

- Beta/Boy: A Beta’s primary motivation is respect. A beta will often say to himself “is this person worthy of my submission?” He takes a great deal of pride in his submission. He prefers that he feel respected and protected by his Alpha/Dom/Sir. That respect is central to who he is. Betas draw confidence from the one they serve and are often personally bettered by serving one they deem fit to serve. Their submission is strength to them because they feel like a better stronger person by giving up control to someone worthy of it. Beta’s often seek out Alphas who exhibit strengths where they have weaknesses or who embody ideals, they wish they had. 

Beta: “I submit because I am strong, not because I am weak.”

- Omega: An omega’s motivating factor is to be treated as “below” others. An omega wants to be at the bottom of any established pecking order. He desires to be made to feel that he is rarely (if ever) considered. Whether that consideration be his feelings, his well-being, or his needs. His NEED is simply to be used and then ignored. He enjoys being used in absolutely any way he can. Note: it is abuse to completely disregard another person’s needs and wellbeing even when they ask for it. Don’t do that. Be a responsible dominant. Establish limits for yourself. Stay within them.

Omega: “I submit because I am weak and you are stronger/superior.” 

- Faggot: A Faggot is motivated by dick (and many times cum). They revel in the sensations of being a slut. At the end of the day a faggot is most happy when he has taken all (or given) the dick and/or jizz that he possibly could. If that goal is accomplished, faggots don’t seem to usually mind putting up with insults or disrespect so long as they are allowed to meet their goal.

Faggot: “I’m a bitch huh? This bitch took 30 dicks today. No one fucks better than me.”

- Slave: A slave is motivated by service to a dominant. Sometimes that service is domestic, a slave will clean, get dry cleaning, run errands, and often gets a great personal pleasure knowing that the man he deems worthy of his service doesn’t have to “waste his time” on the little things. Often a slave’s service is sexual. You can see examples of this all over tumblr, but a decent example is any of those instances you see a guy sucking off a dominant while gaming, eating, or reading. Slave is also one of the titles that varies the most in terms of what the speaker means when he says “slave”.

Slave: “Please Sir, don’t lower yourself to menial tasks, I’ll be more than happy to clear the table and suck your dick for the honor!

[servanttrainer-deactivated20201]

why do some of us crave to be disciplined and controled by men

Years ago I used to contemplate such questions.  I not only asked why submissives need what they need, but also why we Dominants need to control other males and why some of us need to hurt males.

I never found an answer and decided it was more important for Men to focus on satisfying their needs and for males to do the same than it was to spend time and energy wondering why.

[thepleasurequotient]

At none of the stages in my life when I came to the realisation that I was gay, cocksucker or a faggot did I ever wonder why. I literally rejoiced in being who I am. Like peeling the layers of the onion to reach/reveal the inner core

[mastertonysir]

As Dom, Ive never seen myself as a control person. As  Dom, while I spank and offer some sensations that might be considered painful, I never hurt anyone. I relish when a submissive gives himself totally…and sometimes I have to work his body to bring out that gift

[breederofbetas]

For each boy out there, there’s a different answer. There are subs who will tell you they loved spanking because their father spanked them and they have feelings that have somehow become sexualized around being “bad”. By the same token you can meet subs who NEVER got spanked by their parents and found spanking to be “forbidden” and it became sexualized that way.

What I take from these conflicting experiences is that sexuality is complex and there is no one answer, and unlikely a simple one. After all everything we do when it comes to sexuality has two components: our bodies, and our minds. If it was all a mental construct then we could not FEEL that need within our bodies. Why? Because in the case of being spanked at least… there are chemicals fed to our minds when we experience a spanking. It’s part of our biology. But even so, if it was all simply chemicals… then anyone would be turned on by spanking in the same way almost all men are turned on by stroking their cock.

So that’s a lot of preface to give a more direct answer to this anon’s question. “why do some of us crave to be disciplined and controled by men?” For the reasons stated above, NO ONE can answer this question. The answers are far more individual than this writer allowed. But the author CAN delve into it and find some answers. Maybe there’s a mental component to his craving to submit, answers in his past. Maybe he can through that submission come to terms with who he is or was. Maybe he’ll never find the answer, but through self reflection grow profoundly as a person. I couldn’t say, but i can say that for me? That self reflection and self work has lead to an explosion of personal growth. No answer i’ve ever learned has been a bad one. I just… get to know me better.

So let me ask you anon, why do YOU crave to be controlled and disciplined by Men? Spend a life time working on that answer and let me know. I bet the answer will be more profound than anything you’ve ever answered. I’d love to hear it.

[breederofbetas]

My Birthday

It’s my birthday. I’ve turned 36. I’m still out here trying to educate folx on BDSM. Feel free to drop some happy birthday wishes but i’m just off having a fantastic day!

[breederofbetas]

Discord link

https://discord.gg/y8wjqP

Apparently these expire. If this does and you want in the discord just message me!

[thegayboybible]

I am still here

If you need any kinky advice, I am apparently still here and happy to help.

Ask. me. anything.

[breederofbetas]

Discord link

https://discord.gg/y8wjqP

Apparently these expire. If this does and you want in the discord just message me!

[thegayboybible]

Try bdsmlr to continue your blog. It is slow at the moment because so many are moving over from tumblr but they are working on it. Very much the same as this site. Worth a try.

One of the persistent flaws Tumblr had was an inability to “pin” posts. Thank you very much for trying to help! I love that spirit of determination everyone has. Here’s the places I can be found.

Twitter: @betabreeder

Discord: https://discord.gg/pefwEs

Email: [email protected]

Blogspot: https://alexbdsmadvice.blogspot.com/

Curious cat to this list: https://curiouscat.me/betabreeder

BDSMLR: breederofbetas.bdsmlr.com 

I also have a fetlife and recon but not certain that either of those are effective ways to keep in touch with me nor am i certain i want to connect those particular profiles to this account.

BDSMLR is in need of a lot of work to get itself to become a duplicate of tumblr that is good, useful, and a replacement for tumblr. I have an account, but i’m sitting on an account with my name on it until their site is stable and up to snuff.