Human form of Mess

SEAN 1997 I write to know that I am not alone, that I am alive, that I still breathe. All content found on this blog are mine unless stated otherwise. Sorry for my old post (2014-beginning), I forgot to give them credits. Also, I am sorry for my wrong grammar sometimes, I will be glad if you will message me and correct me. Thank you! Author's note: Some of the prose and poetry written here are not personal. Some are created by my imagination and creativity.

[thegreatestbreakout]

Hey you, have you bewitched me? why do I suddenly think about you all the time?

Hey you, have you bewitched me? why do you suddenly come back when I'm so close to forgetting you?

Hey you, have you bewitched me? what type of spell did you cast on me that I crave you all the time?

Hey you, release me from this spell. Do not conjure my fragile heart just to watch it break in the dark exorcise me from your hunger, if you have no intention of keeping me.

[freakytikigifs]

Ryan Gosling and James Ortiz as Ryland Grace and Rocky PROJECT HAIL MARY

[sparrow-olli]

This scene absolutely floored me. So much emotion in this moment. It's so beautiful!

[bitesizedpoetry]

Sylvia Plath, aged 18, journal entry #31, from "The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath" (c. November 1950)

[thegreatestbreakout]

I think at this age, it's really hard to maintain a relationship with other people. I'm getting tired of my friends and I sometimes wish that they wouldn't give too much commentary about my personal life or try to make me think like them. But maybe it's my fault because I've given them permission to do this.

When I was young, I always wondered why my parents didn't maintain their relationships with their friends the way we do with our best friends, like talking to them online or updating them on what's happening in their lives. I thought before that maybe life made them busy, but I think I do get it now. The thing I've noticed at this age is that I've lost the energy to talk to my friends and tell them stories the way I did before. I am a very talkative person, but nowadays I would rather do my own thing than spend time having a conversation with someone. It's not that I hate talking to them per se, but sometimes I notice that when I vent or share something, there's a strong judgment. It gets to the point where I feel like they are acting as if they had never made a mistake in their lives and they have followed the rulebook and guidelines of life. Look, I am not here to be a role model nor an influencer acting innocent and having clean principles and morals. I am realizing that I no longer have the space for friendships that feel like performance reviews. I want the freedom to be messy and human without a side of unsolicited lectures. Perhaps the distance I’m feeling isn’t just about being tired, it’s about outgrowing the version of myself that felt the need to explain everything to people who aren’t really listening. I’m starting to value my own quiet company over a conversation that leaves me feeling drained and judged. Again, I am not here to be a role model.

[thegreatestbreakout]

A heart that doesn't need love, a hand that pulls away, and eyes that reflect everything but the person in front of them. You feel like a place that only reveals itself when the full moon rises; a ghost that materializes at midnight and disappears before dawn.

The clock just hit twelve. I’m standing at the station, watching the tracks and waiting for your arrival. Snow begins to fall, and I already miss the warmth. You give me a glimpse of abundant spring, then leave me to face the winter alone. Was it too much if I wanted you close?

[weltenwellen]

A Conversation with Richard Siken by Thomas Hobohm

[thegreatestbreakout]

I am afraid. That's what my body and mind can feel. But some parts of me want to be out there, to experience life, the life I love, but the grip of fear and anxiety has paralyzed me. I wonder if I will be forever stuck inside my room, dreaming the life and the world I could experience if only I can pass through this.

This week I have four plans, and they will start tomorrow. But today, my body becomes uneasy for tomorrow's plan, and I wonder why. What am I so afraid of? Why does my body tremble? Why am I having a panic attack? Is it because of the scenarios and possibilities I am already thinking of? I am capable, I am strong, and whatever it is, I can get through it, but when I scream that at the top of my lungs, it feels like I am screaming into the void, and no one can hear me. My mind cannot hear me. I want to live, I am stronger than my fears, but I can't take that step. I wish I could embrace myself so I could calm down.

[thegreatestbreakout]

Dear friend,

Wow. It's almost September now. The days are really fast, or am I just losing my sense of days because I am stuck in my room, paralyzed with my anxiety?

I had a dental appointment earlier this month, but it keeps on getting delayed because of my fear and anxiety. 18 days later, I'm still trying to go. Actually, I'm going to do it today, and wish me luck that I don't have a panic attack during it. I also haven't been able to get a haircut, and my hair is really long right now since I also keep on delaying this. This is actually the hardest because it's an hour away from our house. I asked my brother to drive for me, so if I am not able to manage my anxiety during the travel, at least I'll have him. I'm afraid to drive because I feel like if I'm going to have a panic attack, I will not be able to make a U-turn back to our house. The thing is, after the flood last month, the main road became impassable. So I have no choice but to drive on the shortcut, which has no access to any toilet or gas station for 20 minutes.

These things were so easy to do before, but as I stay longer in my room, the stronger this fear and anxiety becomes. I want to be free from this. I can't even meet my friends because of it.

What will be the end of me?

Kind regards, Seanu

[gladeflare]

Gustave & Verso ( parallels ) | In the shadow of the monolith

Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 ↳ "You know they gave their lives to lay the trail for us, right?"

[thegreatestbreakout]

Tuning In on Life

The thing about anxiety, especially if you're like me, someone who's been dealing with it for who knows how long, is that it slowly takes up space in your mind. It fills every corner with intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that scare you. Thoughts that make you want to hide.

That’s what’s been happening to me lately.

I always catch myself overthinking how I’ll survive or escape whenever there’s an event I have to attend. Because of my severe anxiety, I’ve developed gut and metabolism issues, and those only make the anxiety worse. I mean, who wants to feel like they’re going to poop in some unexpected place, right? It’s like my body has been betraying me ever since.

I have this endless loop of "what ifs" running through my head. It’s like I’m tuned in to a radio station that only plays one message: you’re going to die the moment you step outside.

Crazy, right?

My brain is so focused on how to survive that I’ve forgotten how to actually live. I’ve forgotten how to tune in on life, to look beyond the fear, to hear the sounds around me, to notice the people who are just going about their day. I’ve forgotten how to be here.

Right now, I feel so far from reality. My mind and body are stuck in this constant fight or flight mode, and I’ve lost sight of what it means to simply exist. To be present, to feel safe, to live.

[songsomi]

We knew not all of us would make it, but we continue. As long as even one of us stands, our fight is not over.

[kinardstits]

clair obscur: expedition 33 (sandfall, 2025) ↳ a life to love | a life to paint

[renegon]

"I'm sorry." Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 (2025)

[hauntedcartridges]

LIGHT-HOLDER.

[thegreatestbreakout]

I was drinking water in the kitchen when I saw this view, and I suddenly felt nostalgic. Funny how I’m fully in the present but it felt like I was looking through a vintage photo.

Anticipatory grief: the emotional distress and reactions we feel when we’re expecting a significant loss. It can involve a range of feelings like sadness, anxiety, and even the physical symptoms associated with grief, and it can occur before the actual loss.

With my anxiety, it’s not just about protecting me from danger, it also prepares me for loss. Whether it’s a thing, a person, or a moment, I can always imagine the end of something.

But that’s not really the reason I took this photo.

I realized… our house grew up with me. The ceiling’s broken, the paint is old, and the appliances are worn out.

[thegreatestbreakout]

Every time this season returns, my soul begins to wonder what would it feel like to finally rest? To be free from pain, from the weight of struggling, from the quiet ache of suffering. To be unalive… and in that, to be free.